An Explanation for Expletive Delph
For those who are not my regular readers and who have not read “A Phat History Lesson (Part 2)”, Expletive Delph is an Army buddy of mine. Delph had gone through RIP (Ranger Indoctrination Program) with me and it turned out we were sent to the same unit in Germany, where we ended up being roommates. Now the relationship between us was more like being brothers, seeing as how we always ended up together; even if we really didn’t want it that way. For any one that knows Delph, they know there is only so much Expletive Delph one can handle before you kill him. Yes, Delph would get wound up, announce”Delph is on baby” and then at like an ADD bastard child that got into a case of snickers bars.
I couldn’t get rid of him. We even ended up being roommates when we were both sent to ILRS (International Long Range Surveillance) school. By the way, the chose who would room with each other by initial test scores and because we had both been prepped the same, we both made about the same on the test, and hence being roomed together again. This is where I first learned that Delph had a bad habit of locking doors. Ya, at the German barracks we were staying at during the school, the doors locked and unlocked with a key only, form inside and outside. We had 1 key for the two of us. One morning he asked if I was going to breakfast. I told him I was going to get some more rack time instead. He left and locked me in the room without my knowledge. Needless to say when I woke up to get a shower, shave and get dressed for class, I couldn’t leave our 10 x 10 room. I ended up, banging on the door and cursing at a Royal Marine Commando by accident thinking it was Delph. It was about 5 minutes before class, while I was contemplating jumping out of the 2nd story window, when Delph showed up.
This was not the last time Delph had screwed me over with door keys. We both went on a single soldiers retreat (no not to meet women it was sponsored by the chaplain for something, it was really just a good way to get a three day weekend) to Bavaria. We were staying at the AFEES hotel, again with only one key between us, and the first night he locked me out of the room. He decided that he was going to stay at the hotel bar and drink (did I mention he was a lush), and I decided to go out on the town and drink with the locals. I wasn’t going to hang out at the hotel bar; it was like a sausage fest there. So I came back to the room about 2 am, knocked on the door to be let in and….nothing. If you wanted to see one pissed off Phat Tony, you could have walked down the hall of the hotel and seen me cursing Delph as loud as could, while giving the hotel door a sound beating. (Ok, so I had a few chardonnays what of it?) I eventually had to walk a few blocks to the front desk (the hotel was split into two different sections almost a half mile apart) and get a spare key. So I walk into the room, see Expletive Delph passed out on the bed, curse him a few more times, take his meal tickets for the free food, and lay down on my bed to get some rack.
Does it stop there? No. later that very night I’m woke up by the sound of rain, and realize that the window was open. I sit up and was ready to jump out of bed to keep our whole room from getting soaked, and instead of rain coming in from the window; I see Delph standing in front of the TV relieving himself. I say, “What the F**k are you doing?” He replies, “Delph is on!” and then moves over to the window so he can continue urinating hoping to keep it off of the carpet. If he wasn’t so drunk, he might have realized that there was a screen on the window, and while some of it was making outside some was splashing back on him. (I did say he was a lush right?)
Aaah the Army life. It’s like a frat house with weapons.