Friday, June 17, 2005

A Phat History Lesson (Part 4)

A Phat History Lesson (Part 1)
A Phat History Lesson (Part 2)
A Phat History Lesson (Part 3)

So there I was, no sh**, minding my own business when a muslim and MI weenie wrecked 6 months of my army career. Before I continue I will need to introduce three more characters. First Pvt. Mohammed (the muslim, an Albanian to be more precise), second Spc. CID, and last SSg. Wrinkle Grommet (my team leader, notice the capitalized SS). All names except mine have been changed

I’ve now been in the army long enough to not be the new guy, and have been gaining respect from SSg Wrinkle Grommet and the rest of my teammates. What’s even better is there is now a new guy, Pvt. Mohammed, that is going through the LRS (long range surveillance) indoctrination class and will be assigned to my team. This is great news to me. Now I will no longer be the lowest rank, and I will move up the chain as far as seniority. Basically, I won’t have to carry all the heavy stuff anymore and will be able to off load it to the new guy. Unfortunately, Pvt. Mohammed is one of the few that slips under the radar in basic and airborne school. You see, to be a soldier (much less a combat arms soldier), you must be mentally fit and emotionally strong as well as physically able. Pvt. Mohammed was only physically able, and lacked the other two characteristics that make a good combat soldier. He was slow to learn and because he didn’t drink, smoke, womanize, or fight (all the things that combat soldiers like to do) he didn’t fit in real well either. Now, I’m not saying that he had to do all those things to fit in, I’m saying that he didn’t make himself available to go with soldiers that did those things. Nobody I’ve ever met minded if some one hung out with them but decided not to humiliate themselves. Hey everybody loves the designated driver. So he was one lonely soldier, and it showed. I began to worry about him because he would ask me stupid questions like, "If I gave myself an IV of bleach, would I die?" No joke, he asked me that in formation one day. I did the right thing and told my team leader SSg Wrinkle Grommet. He had a talk with him and everything was to be o.k. I knew it wasn’t though. I had been coming back to my room for a few weeks tell my roommate, Expletive Delph, that the kid was going to lose it. So the night that my teammate came to my room and told me that we needed to go to the MP station I said, "What Mohammed killed himself?" The answer was yes, at least to me.

They did a long investigation and ruled it an accident. I know that there was no way to get down to the train tracks where he was hit unless he was meaning to get down to the train tracks to get hit. It wasn’t like he was crossing a road. He had to climb down an 8-foot slope to get to the tracks. (Warning insensitive part) Now this upsets me a lot for a few reasons. I was mad because I knew that he was ready to break. He just couldn’t get things right and although SSg. Wrinkle Grommet was being way nicer to him when he messed up then if I were to mess up, he still couldn’t pull it together. Also I’m back at the bottom of the ladder again. To top that off I have a team leader that’s worried that he didn’t do something right and that he’ll be investigated for the death of one of his subordinates. So army life had gotten more complicated and then MI Weenie showed up……

I was going to finish the story but it’s gotten to long and complicated for one post stop by tomorrow for the conclusion.

A Phat History Lesson (Part 5)


At 9:30 PM, Anonymous Little B-Cack said...

Hey Phat Tony!! big brother B-Cack gave me your link. Your stories are awesome,but you need to add more B-Cack stories!! I need the dirt on the brother. Oh! and I still have your M-4 magazine...

At 11:10 PM, Anonymous B-Cack said...

You are heading towards a 15-6 investigation......... TURN and SLIP AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At 1:40 AM, Blogger mensabarbie said...

I always wondered what it would be like not to claw you way to the top
(just kidding)

b.t.w: "Softer Side of Phat" is a
definate classic!

At 8:00 PM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...


Uhhhh... you have an M4?

At 9:24 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

No, funny thing is my friend B-cack's friend found a magazine down range in Iraq(u) that had Phat tony written on it. I'm famous you know.

At 11:24 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

"Ping"...I think I heard my rank just fly off my collar.

At 1:29 PM, Anonymous Little B-Cack said...

Actually, the Wild Horn gave it to me Phat Tony. And I'm holding it for ransom. You meet my demands or the magazine gets hacked.... ( WEll, that would be a waste of a good mag, but if you don't meet my demands, I will never give it back!)

At 4:37 AM, Blogger PoP said...

And all these years I thought you were just whining about having to lay in poison ivy. Love ya


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