Friday, June 24, 2005

Things That I Was Not Allowed to do in The Army

Reading the Carnival of Comedy today I read a post about a soldier who documented things that he was either told not to do or witnessed other soldier being told not to do. I have to say that it was the funniest thing I read today. After seeing this list I realized I had been told by officers and NCOs (and witnessed other soldiers being told) not to do a lot of things, of course always after I had done them. So here are a few choice lawful commands given in bullet form:

• You are not allowed to call your weapon a “gat”.
• You are not allowed to hold your weapon “gangsta” style.
• You are not allowed to beat a car with a baseball bat in the barracks parking lot. Even if it’s your car.
• You are not allowed to pull fire watch in LBE, gas mask, flip-flops, and nothing else.
• You are not allowed to display your liquor bottle collection like trophies.
• 1 case of beer and 1 bottle of liquor per barracks room, does not mean one of each per person, for everyone who happens to be in your room.
• You are not allowed to give the first sergeant the “finger”.
• You are not allowed to use a spotter scope to hunt down officers to salute.
• You are not allowed to put naked pictures of men in the lieutenant’s equipment.
• You are not allowed to make a “special” box of MREs, filled with nothing but chicken stew, to give to Ranger Mac.
• You are not allowed to pretend to be SF to get a ride across Camp Bondsteel.
• You are not allowed to tell a new private to “go to commo and get the PRC (pronounced prick) E-7, but don’t get the black one; it doesn’t work”.
• It is not appropriate, during a urine test, to take a dump.
• You are not allowed to curse during a brief back to an officer, even if you are using the word as an adjective and adverb.
• You are not allowed to place bets on who can stay in the gas chamber the longest with out their gas mask.
• In conjunction with last order, you are not allowed to fight in the gas chamber to make the other soldier lose.
• You are not allowed to let Albanian children wrestle for MREs.
• You are not allowed to throw white pepper at Albanians.
• You are not allowed to write “Joe Porter runs sh** around here.” on any wildlife.
• You are not allowed to write “Joe porter runs sh** around here.” on anything anymore.
• In a SITREP report, for the weather conditions, you are not allowed to write “..partly cloudy with a 100% chance of suck a$$”.
• You are not allowed to say “Halt oder Ich sheisse!” on QRF patrol in germany, no matter how funny it is. (yes sheisse means sh**)

5 Comments:

At 2:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Phat Tony,
I fell out of the chair laughing... mostly because I was there for pretty much all of those. By the way Joe Porter does run shit... everywhere...

 
At 2:32 PM, Anonymous B-cack said...

B-Cack said the comment above, by the way..... stupid blogging ... blog b,obng blog... blogger

 
At 3:01 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

heh I'm the poop huh b-cack?

 
At 8:12 PM, Anonymous B-Cack said...

Dude.... if only I had some pics of the Opel getting the Shit kicked out of it by Babijita.... it would be worth millions

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

You just made me smile. If i had a picture of a hmwwv driving down the stasse with white smoke pouring out of the back....it would be worth millions.
one more to add
You are not allowed to put antifreeze in the engine oil.

 

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