Joe Porter Runs Shit Around Here… (A Phat History Lesson)
I know I cursed, but I had to, so that Google would link to this when it was searched. I will censor myself for the rest of the article.
I’m going to let you in on a running gag that has been going on for years within my old unit. There was a soldier named Joe Porter. Joe Porter thought it would be funny to get some business cards made up that said "Joe Porter’s house of sh** Joe Porter runs sh** around here". Two other soldiers thought it was incredibly stupid, and took it upon themselves to make sure that everyone in the world knew that "Joe Porter runs sh** around here". So these two soldiers carved this into every bathroom stall they ever went into. You go to Grafenwere, in the porto-potties, in the training area, Joe Porter runs sh** around here. Go to Ireland, in the bars, Joe Porter runs sh** around here. Go to Amsterdam, in the bars, Joe Porter runs sh** around here. Go to Ranger school, Joe Porter runs sh** around here. Over 15 different countries, and probably close to 1000 bathroom stalls, this saying is carved into the walls. Of course, Joe Porter is not aware of this, and most people never connect the sayings since they aren’t paying attention and only visit a few of the many bathroom stalls this is carved into. It’s the modern day "Kilroy was here" gag.
I have a story to go along with this running gag. My platoon was on QRF (quick reaction force). It’s basically like camping out. You don’t have anything to do with your time besides catch some sun, and listen to the radio waiting for a call to action. Now in Kosovo they have an abundance of tortoises. They’re all over the place, and are quite large. We had come to call them Serbian attack tortoises. I had gone to use the latrine (find a nice plant to fertilize) and noticed a tortoise slowly walking by. Now all soldiers in my unit had a Sharpie marker on them at all times.(not sure why, it was handy though) Now me not being one to end a gag, decided it would be cool to use the tortoise to further the Joe Porter gag. I grabbed up the tortoise and with my permanent sharpie quickly scribbled "Joe Porter runs sh** around here" on it’s shell and let it loose. Of course I told all my buddies once I got back to the QRF site about it. I think everyone agreed that it was pretty funny, and no harm would come to the tortoise.
3 weeks later, my buddy comes back to me, and tells me of what he was told in the chow hall by some SF soldiers. He was sitting there eating his chow when he overheard them talking about finding a tortoise with "Joe sh**s here or something like that". My buddy asks them "Did it say, Joe Porter runs sh** around here?" The SF soldier said, "Ya, how did you know?" My buddy responded, "Joe Porter runs sh** around everywhere." He then got up and left to find me and let me know about the encounter.
Now I have furthered this gag on my blog. What’s great is years from now, I’ll probably turn on the Discovery Channel and see a documentary about this running gag, with some academia type posing questions like "Who is this Joe Porter, and what kind of sh** did he run?" So now you know and can keep an eye out for it, or participate. It’s up to you.
For more Phat History check out these articles.