Saturday, July 09, 2005

Reasons to Join the Canadian Army

So I stirred up a hornets nest over at Jimmyb’s. All was going well until an officer in the Canadian Army decides to call me lazy and a coward for not re-enlisting. I know; I am as surprised as you are. There’s a Canadian Army? Apparently so. After he made quite a few personal attacks against yours truly, I decided to just let him run on at the mouth. He had already said that troops were targeting civilians, so arguing with that kind of moon-battery would have been an exercise in futility. I do want to thank him though, ‘cause he gave me a great idea for a post. I started thinking; "Why would anybody join the Canadian Army?" So, I did an informal poll asking everybody I could think of (who had ever drank a Canadian beer), "Why would anyone join the Canadian Army?" These are the most common answers in bullet form:

  • It’s like joining the American Army lite. All the uniforms and bullets, but with less real fighting.
  • If you are going to be un-intimidating, you might as well join the Canadian army and get paid to be un-intimidating.
  • It’s easy to be in the Canadian army there is only three things to protect: prescription drugs, socialism, and the virtue of the prostitutes in Montreal.
  • Since the NHL has been on strike there has been no reason to riot. ‘Figured why not join up, maybe they would let me break something for no reason, ay.
  • It’s better than joining the French army, ‘cause you got some place to run to after dropping your weapon.
  • Go off, see the world, just anything besides sitting on the American border.
  • Have been wanting to go out and spread our quirky accent. That’s what Canada is all aboot.

Feel free to add any that you have heard. I could only find 7 people that have ever tried Canadian beer. Hat tip to Pitt for the great idea.


At 10:26 PM, Anonymous b-Cack said...

I left a post at that linked site, what a bunch of BS..... since when do Canadians get off talking shit like that to us? Any country that is going to build a monument to draft dodging hippies should just shut the fuck up. Now, Canadian "soldiers" if you want to use that term loosely....I saw the pics of the dudes in T-shirts and plum smugglers drinking beer together.... I know they are the perverbial "Mini-Me" to France, but who thought they were as gay as Pierre? Later, I have a militia to run...........

At 3:05 PM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

When's b-cack getting his own blog?

At 3:23 PM, Blogger GunnNutt said...

1. You thought it was the "Mounties"
2. Your name is "Rocky" or "Bullwinkle"
3. Its the same thing as being a U.S. draft dodger
4. You're an NHL goon who's needs sensitivity training

At 3:31 PM, Anonymous B-Cack said...

I love it... I have people asking when I am getting a blog! Thanks, but.... I stay pretty damn busy as it is already.... although... I would love to get it on like Donkey Kong in cyberspace... maybe Phat Tony can help me out..... I have to tell you all about 1) My experience with shitting in my pants and the MP's. And 2) The timeless debate about Wookies.... amongst other things.....
And to quote someone out of the movie "Canadian Bacon"... "Yeah and their beer sucks too!!!!!" Those draft dodging hippie fags can go suck on a LaBatt's eh!

At 3:37 PM, Blogger GunnNutt said...

I second the motion that b-cack needs a blog!

At 4:04 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

call it a co-blog with me and b-cack.
He sends me stories about poo, midgets, and wookies, and I post em.
If we let him loose on the internet he would poison everyone's mind with profanity.

At 4:06 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Oh and monkeys, he's got this thing for monkeys....

At 5:33 PM, Anonymous Larry Morin said...

And what the hell is wrong with profanity? :-D

At 6:32 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

For you, completely appropriate, for me, trying to keep it PG.

At 6:42 PM, Anonymous B-Cack said...

Cock... Balls... shit....fuck...Yeah baby Yeah....

At 7:43 AM, Blogger banjodude said...

Huh, wonder dumb butt pitt isn't sharing any of his "wisdom"?

At 7:47 AM, Blogger banjodude said...

Yeah, let's keep the profanity down a bit, guys. You rock Dr. PT!

At 12:22 PM, Anonymous Stretch said...

PG? Does that mean I can take off my top but I gotta leave my pants on?

At 12:34 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

For the sake of all that is good and holy....yes.

At 4:02 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Why join the Canadian Army? Because the waiting line for health care is shorter.

At 10:16 AM, Blogger Muskokan~Diva said...

Hmm..reasons to join the Canadian army..well lets see...We are paid a hell of a lot better then American soldiers, Our Husbands COME HOME!, We DO have better healthcare!, Our tours dont keep us overseas soo long that wives cheat or leave, ANd yes our Beer is MUCH better than that american WATER in a brown bottle!

At 5:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

b-cack, you are the typical american fool. why do you mock canadians? why are we hippie fags? is it because we are not as barbaric as (not all americans) but the majority of them, because when we have a problem, our solution does not involve a gun or an act of violence. i feel bad for the intelligent americans who have to live amongst your kind of intellect. good luck with life, karma is a bitch, but u will realize this when it is too late.

At 12:47 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Heh people are posting comments on old posts. Good thing site meter lets me know that this post is still popular.

Diva: You called a soldier a peace keeper; that's gay.

Anon: you're mocked because you're funny, smelly, and live on the US border.

At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

we sit on your border, fuck u americans are ignorant sons of ignorant bitches

At 7:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This site is the second hit on for 'Join Canadian Army' so thought I'd check it out. Anyways, lets see, reasons to join the Canadian army...Oh, yeah, our corps has been proven better trained then the US corps (but much less better gear), we're better liked to the places we go because we aren't war mongrels, we kicked the US' ass in the war of 1812 and burned their white house, we're the only country in the WWII to accomplish all our D-DAY objectives ON TIME, we have a better military history/success rate then the US does, our army makes due with what we have because our government doesn't give us everything and anything we want.

Really, only reason why Canada's army has a bad rap is that we don't have the equipment because those tree hugging liberals cut our army budget. As soldiers go, 1 to 1, Canada has much better soldiers then the US.

At 10:46 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Better trained to do what? When your claim to fame was in WWII, exactly what do you base you oppinion on?

At 7:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The reason that Canada's military has crappy equipment is twofold. One - because the Canadian military is a big huge bureaucracy that does'nt know how to spend money efficiently. Two - because there isnt much of a sprit of professionalism in the Canadian Forces. Anyone who has seen the big uniformed groupies smoking and fucking around outside a Canadian Forces Armoury for hours on end will know what I'm talking about.

At 6:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The fighting abilities of the Canadian soldiers are well known to real soldiers,the usa soldier was never known as a quality soldier,except to himself.
You lost against a lightly armed peasant army in vietman,ran like hell in korea until more equipment and cannon fodder could be brought to bear ( a few canadian soldiers probably saved Seoul and received a presidential citation whatever that is )

You faced no opposition in the gulf wars yet claimed a super duper victory.who were you fighting? you killed more of your own then the " enemy " did.

ww1 you showed up when the dying was done,fucked some french women,went home made movies about how you saved the goddamned world,way to go.

ww2, well ya`ll got bombed into that one,now didn`t ya.67% of your incompetent army were drafted ( great soldiers there )
miscellaneous wars fought by the usa were numerous and as usual involved beating up on some little guy,making a bunch of cheesy movies,patting yourselves on the back and declaring to world how good your military`s the bottom on your mob:over equipped and undertrained amateurs who are a real danger to themselves and those around them.

At 10:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Outfitted with British desert fatigues and an array of equipment from all over the world, the five Canadians divided into two detachments earned the respect of their American brothers-in-arms after helping rescue dozens of paratroopers pinned down by enemy fire.

The five have been nominated for one of the highest awards given by the United States military - the Bronze Star, two of them with Vs for Valor, marking exceptional bravery.

Awarding of the American medal, which was to have been done at a ceremony along with other Anaconda veterans in Kandahar in April, has been delayed by Canadian protocol officials.

But more important to the Canadians are the gestures from their American brethren who, while nearly killing them several times over with friendly fire, owe many lives to their shooting skills.

"They trusted us to do our job, without question," said Master Cpl. "James", a 31-year-old native of Kingsville, Ont., who also asked that his identity not be revealed.

At one point during a series of battles, one of the Canadians was without his rifle. Enemy bullets were hitting the earth all around.

Mortars were dropping in front and behind them, some within 10 metres, bracketing their position and getting closer all the time.

"They really hammered us," said Bill.

He tried to get to their rifles but couldn't. Finally, an American sniper tossed him his rifle and said: "Here, you know how to use this better than I do."

They held off the enemy until darkness descended and they escaped.

"They were instrumental in helping us achieve our goals out there," said 1st Lieut. Justin Overbaugh, 25, of Missoula, Mont., the soldier who recommended Bill and James for Bronze Stars.

"They are professionals; they are very good at what they do; they train hard, they are very mature, they are tactically and technically proficient so when it came time to do business, they were on," he said.

"If they told me I was going out right now, I'd be begging, kicking, screaming, crying for them to come with us."
Bill and James said they pulled off several shots from 2,400 metres or more.

At 4:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is how the pros do it.

U.N. soldiers pinned as heroes

by Darah Hansen

It's been nine years since Mark Lundie, a former reservist with the 2nd Battalion of Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry, found himself under fire in Sector South, an area of Croatia known as the Medak Pocket.

"The Croats were trying to stop us by force of arms," Lundie, now a constable with the Richmond RCMP, says of the little-known battle that ensued.

The year was 1993, and the complicated politics and bloody civil wars that had split apart the former Communist-bloc country were coming to an end in most areas. Sector South was the exception. Breaking a United Nations-imposed cease-fire, the Croats had launched an attack against the area's minority Serbs, burning houses, looting and killing civilians.

"They killed people, dogs, cats, all the livestock. They looted everything. Burned the houses. Anything that wasn't nailed down, they took," Lundie says.

The Canadians were called in to push the offensive back and establish a buffer zone. They were met with machine-gun fire and artillery bombardment that lasted 36 hours. The peacekeepers were forced to fight back.

By the end of the battle, the Croats officially reported 27 soldiers killed by the Canadian army and several Canadians suffered shrapnel injuries.

Over in the nearby Serb town of Medak, meanwhile, smoke rising from the rubble of houses torched by the Croats as they beat a retreat acted as a reminder of why the U.N. forces were in the country in the first place.

"We found huge piles of rubber surgical gloves all covered in blood," Lundie says. "That's what they used to bury the bodies."

It was one more example of a savage civil war that really had no good guys.

"The whole place is just a crime scene," says Graham Barlow, a Richmond resident who, like Lundie, also served with the 2PPCLI in Croatia. "It probably makes that Pickton place (in Port Coquitlam) look pretty tame."

It was not a battle, however, that the Canadian government was quick to make public.

At 12:36 PM, Anonymous Marcus Cromwell said...

You know what .... Im just tired of people , that are negative against their own country . Why are people alwasy making a laugh about Canada ? Canada is not only a beautiful country , but also a friendly and kindly country . So instead of talking bad about your country , be proud to be canadian ! I am and i alwyas will !

At 4:50 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

You canucks are so easy to rile up. Take a step away from the border and realize that you live in a sucky place.

At 10:34 AM, Anonymous Aro said...

Tony's never been to Canada or met a Canadian. He bases all his opinions on the fact that fox's crossfire told him America was the bestestest and Canada is all like "please we want to be le french!!"

You know, I'm sure there are a lot of dumbasses in the american military that fuck around and are generally worthless. A lot more than the Canadian military simply because of the sheer size difference.

And I'm sure that tony needs to grow up and show a little more respect for people who are willing to die to protect the ones they love.

The politics of the two armies are different, but that's not the business of the enlisted. They're soldiers. And true soldiers are soldiers all the same.

And yes, WW2 was a long time ago. But, who the fuck are you to disrespect the 100,000 canadians that died fighting that war? They were braver than you'll ever be.

At 1:29 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

You're right Aro, because arguing on a website is the height of maturity, and cursing is the highest form of respect. You've showed me the error of my ways...never mind I just met a Canadian, and my opinion still stands.

At 6:50 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Dear Canukistanis,
I'm sorry that you are all frustrated that my article that I wrote over a year ago remains at the top of the list for Joining the Canadian Army on google. This alone should prove my point fairly well. I understand that you have low self esteem because you live so close to the U.S. but are not Americans. Now do me a favor and piss off, the whole lot of you. Comments on this article are closed.

Go on. Get! Go speak French and snow ski or whatever.


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