Tuesday, July 26, 2005

You’ve Got Questions…I Got Answers

Well here are some of the questions asked by my brilliant readers.

Kate from Kate’s Korner, asks “Why don't men ask for directions?”

The answer to this is not quite as difficult as it seems. Most men know how to read a map and those who don’t are gay. You’ll never hear a man ask a woman riding in the passenger seat, “Where are we?” This question is more often asked by the woman in the passenger seat that hasn’t been paying attention to anything besides a magazine and/or radio for the last 3 hours and truly doesn’t know where she is. Now the woman, who has a genetic predisposition to distrust a husband, can not comprehend that the man driving a car has paid anymore attention to their whereabouts than she has. Since the woman doesn’t know where she is, she must then assume that the man driving also doesn’t know, regardless of what he says. I learned long ago, that once a man is married he will spend the rest of his life being wrong. So my response to the direct question is, “O.k. let’s ask for directions. How abut that man selling boiled peanuts on the highway, he looks like a Rhode scholar?”

The next question is from Pop, and he asks, “Why will my son allow others to post articles on his web page, but will not print the article his feeble, old, and nearly blind father submitted? Could it be he is afraid others will think he isn't as smart as his father?”

Alright, who left the computer on at the old folk’s home? Relax, don’t get your depends in a bunch, I’m getting to it. Here have some apple sauce and mashed potatoes.

Insolublog asks, “Are we all made of particles, waves, strings or ... ?”

I’m figuring that all living things are made from poo. It’s that crazy circle of life. Plants eat poo, animals eat plants, you eat plants and animals, and you’re full of poo. Non-living things are made from anti-poo.

Cove Rebel asks, “You are 40 and fall for a girl who is 10. You can't marry her because you are 4 times older than she is. You wait 5 years. You are now 45 and she is 15. Only 3 times older. You wait 15 more years. She is now 30 and you are 60. Only 2 times as old as she is. How long do you have to wait until she catches up?

So, when you are 50 she’s 20. What the hell are you waiting on? Any mileage put on a woman is high mileage. You test drive one and the blue book value just plummets. If you’re waiting for her to catch up with you in age, you are doing a disservice to men everywhere and I’ll have to ask for you to give up your man card.

Jimmyb a Conservative UAW Guy asks, “Why are pictures of monkeys funny, but real monkeys are evil and stink?”

The reason the pictures are funny is because, just like raving moonbat Democrats. What they say and do is quite humorous for the non-criminally insane, but left to their own devices, without being locked up cages, they can wreak havoc in the streets.

Pop asks, “Why is it when you’re outstanding in your field you’re not actually out standing in your field.”

It’s probably the same reason you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway, or they call packages that are sent by ships cargo, and packages sent by automobile shipments. The English language has been purposely designed to screw with the rest of the worlds heads. Advantage USA.

PebblePie from Blue Star Mom in the Pacific Northwest asks, “How do scientists know cats don't have "Sweet" taste buds? Wouldn't you have to be a cat to know if you can taste sweet or not?”

I’m more of a dog person but I’ll give it a shot. I did some research and found that we’ve been transplanting cat tongues into small tongueless children for years. The best thing to do, is to wait until you see a small child with hair on his/her tongue, who’s breath stinks like rotting, sour fish and offer them a piece of candy.

A4G from Point Five asks, ” I hate hippies. Does that qualify as a question?”

Because this was typed I will assume that the statement “I hate hippies.” was said while slightly raising the octave of the voice when getting to the word hippies. This would imply a query and the answer would be; yes, you hate hippies. This would also mean that it qualifies as a question.

Thanks for the wonderful questions if you feel that any of my answers are not correct, or offend you, please email me at Lightenup@youhumorlessjerk.com


At 1:15 PM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

You realize that when Kate reads your answer, she's gonna go jihad on your ass, right?

At 1:27 PM, Blogger PoP said...

A standing ovation is in order.
I'm so proud.

At 1:27 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

It comes with the territory. I've been looking forward to my first hatemail anyway.

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Hmm. Maybe this explains why poo comes from black holes.

At 1:59 PM, Anonymous Larry Morin said...

Well done. Wish I arrived earlier to ask a question. :)

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Uber said...

Good stuff :) But I missed getting to ask for advice that I won't follow :( Will "I Got Answers" be a reoccurring theme maybe?

At 4:44 PM, Blogger Kate said...


If I weren't laughing so hard, I probably would kick his ass.

Thanks for the laughs, Dr. =)

At 5:42 PM, Anonymous B-Cack said...

I see I am getting edited..........

At 6:02 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

You really do need to call me at my house.


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