B-Cack's the Poop
So, here goes the crapped my pants story. No sh**, there I was on my way to a BBQ and some heavy drinking with my good buddy Tony Scarboni. ( Tony Scarboni is a baby gun pilot, see attached link to 58D's[nuts!] photo. Not to be confused with REAL gun pilots. Sorry Tony Scarboni.
Anyways, I am driving onto Ft. Rucker and am a scant 3 miles from his house when I feel an awful sensation in my gut. (Kind of like getting kicked in the belly by a donkey) So I am thinking that a little one cheek sneak action will alleviate all the "gasses" built up inside. (Anyone who knows me can vouch that I am full of hot gas). So, well sorry Phat Tony, there is no gentle way to put this, I let go with what I think is gas, but to my surprise, I crap my pants, bigger than Dallas! I went through a myriad of emotions, denial (no... I haven't crap my pants since I was about 8, FEAR, SHOCK.... and finally ACCEPTANCE!!!!
Well, being a self-respecting LURP, I decided I would pull my car off the side of the road into a small logging trail that many a flight student had gone 4wheelin' on. (Note to you all, I am in the Ford Escort, not the Bronco.. this means I can only go about 30 meters down said road.) Fortune smiled upon me as I had a glove box full of napkins! So I head for the wood line and take care of my business, sadly enough the "leakage" has permeated my underpants (drawers for all you who live in the south) and made a small "impression" on my jean shorts. Not a problem, I decide to wrap all said clothing items in hand and carry them the 50 meters or so to my trunk. This is where the story gets interesting, I have to mention that several people had gotten in trouble for accessing this road to 4 wheel, apparently the MP's don't allow it. Well, it just so happens that fate decided to crap on me (pun intended) because EXACTLY the precise moment I walked out of the woods, with only T-shirt and shoes on, an MP decided to drive up behind my car with what I am sure are intentions to ticket the crap out of me (pun definitely intended) for trekking onto the forbidden path! As I see this kid drive up, about 300 excuses run through my mind as to how I am going to explain to my company commander why I am naked on post because I know nobody will believe me if I were to tell the real deal. As the MP put his car in park, he looked up, caught me mid-stride and we made eye contact for exactly .002 seconds. I don't know who was more embarrassed ( I know I was bare assed) but he threw his car into reverse and drove off before I even knew what happened.
Well, being caught with my pants down once was enough for me, so I decided to throw the "drawers" into a handy dandy Wal-Mart bag, and clean off the shorts enough to wear in the car. ( don't get grossed out, I used some gauze out of my first aid kit as an ad hoc seat cushion) Well, on the way home I see a Ryder truck with the dolly ramp sparking on the road. It is creating quite the traffic hazard so when the lady and her 10 year old son decided to stop in the middle of the road and try to push it back into the truck but failed, I decided to pull off and help. I walk up to the car parked straight behind the duo and ask if I can help. The two middle aged ladies said that it would be a Godsend, so I walk right in front of their car, bend right on over and pick up the ramp...... YES... I thought about my soiled trousers right as I came up... paused momentarily and then ran to the car, drove home and cleaned up. I can only hope that these ladies thought I sat on a Hershey's kiss or something! Well, I get home, clean up and decide to call Tony Scarboni..... I am late of course and his wife says to him "what did he do, crap in his pants???" Oh, I imagine this story may be somewhat odd to "normal" people, but it is kind of just in stride with my life. I hope you all enjoy, maybe someday I will tell about the time I took a dump in some unknown driveway in Belgium..... B-Cack OUT!
Dr. Phat Tony's Note: Because B-Cack put my unedited picture on his site. I'm going to put his pics on mine, and yes this is what he looks like all the time. The lush!