Wednesday, August 03, 2005

A Phat Interview With an A** Clown

I wanted to give Reverend Phelps a call to see if I could clarify his line of reasoning. Unfortunately I don’t have that kind of time so I decided to make up a fake interview with him.

DPT: A** Clown Phelps (Do you mind if I call you A** Clown?) explain to me exactly your reasoning is when you say that God is killing our soldiers because of homosexuals?

Reverend Phelps: Me and my followers use the tried and true triangulation logic to justify our belief that god kills soldiers because of gays. For instance, god hates gays; terrorists hate gays; god equals terrorists. Therefore, terrorists kill soldiers; god kills soldiers; it’s all the homos fault. It’s the only way to think.

DPT: I see. Does this use of triangulation logic work for everything? Can you give me another example of your amazing analytical ability?

Reverend Phelps: Sure. The devil takes delight at people dying; soldiers are people; I take delight in soldiers dying. That can only mean I’m the devil.

DPT: Actually that makes a lot of sense. How do you hide your horns so well?

Reverend Phelps: Wait, that came out wrong let me try again. It’s evil to protest at funerals; I protest at funerals; I’m evil.

DPT: Well that’s the only kind of devil I know, an evil one. Do crosses burst in to flames as you walk by them?

Reverend Phelps: No we have to light them….wait a second that example didn’t come out right either. Let me try again.

DPT: Be my guest. How large a hole do you want to dig?

Reverend Phelps: This isn’t going the way I wanted it to. You’re twisting my words. One more time, god hates America; I hate America; I’m god.

DPT: You’re a loon. One more question A** Clown Phelps. Did you say A good left hook makes for a right fine wife. Brethren, they can lock us up, but we'll still do what the Bible tells us to do. Either our wives are going to obey, or we're going to beat them!” during a sermon?

Reverend Phelps: I sure did, and I’ll tell you why: god hates my wife not obeying me; god hates gays, my wife is gay. Therefore: I’m married to my wife; my wife is gay; I’m a gay evil devil woman and should be beaten. Wait that one didn't work either umm....

DPT: Well that about sums it up for me to A** Clown Phelps. There is a special place in he*l for you.


At 10:56 AM, Anonymous mensa B said... you "REALLY" helped define this looser's google search! Good going! (^_^)
Count me in.

At 11:51 AM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

There is a special place in hell for each of his personalities.

At 11:52 AM, Blogger a4g said...

Oh man that was funny, Doctor. One of your best.

But I may have been to hasty on hating this Phelps guy. I'm starting to like him.

I think he should start a blog. Heck, I'll blogroll him.

At 12:02 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

His quote sounds like a woman joke. sort of like, "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?...Nothing you already told her twice."

At 3:59 PM, Anonymous Fitch said...

I love the triangulated logic jokes. Classic work Tony!

At 5:46 PM, Blogger Uber said...

I gotta say I was wrong in doubting I'd be able to find anything concerning this Phelps maniac funny.
Way to work it Doc!

At 6:03 PM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Carnival material...

At 6:11 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

I already submitted. This will go towards next week I guess.


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