A Phat Interview With an A** Clown
I wanted to give Reverend Phelps a call to see if I could clarify his line of reasoning. Unfortunately I don’t have that kind of time so I decided to make up a fake interview with him.
DPT: A** Clown Phelps (Do you mind if I call you A** Clown?) explain to me exactly your reasoning is when you say that God is killing our soldiers because of homosexuals?
Reverend Phelps: Me and my followers use the tried and true triangulation logic to justify our belief that god kills soldiers because of gays. For instance, god hates gays; terrorists hate gays; god equals terrorists. Therefore, terrorists kill soldiers; god kills soldiers; it’s all the homos fault. It’s the only way to think.
DPT: I see. Does this use of triangulation logic work for everything? Can you give me another example of your amazing analytical ability?
Reverend Phelps: Sure. The devil takes delight at people dying; soldiers are people; I take delight in soldiers dying. That can only mean I’m the devil.
DPT: Actually that makes a lot of sense. How do you hide your horns so well?
Reverend Phelps: Wait, that came out wrong let me try again. It’s evil to protest at funerals; I protest at funerals; I’m evil.
DPT: Well that’s the only kind of devil I know, an evil one. Do crosses burst in to flames as you walk by them?
Reverend Phelps: No we have to light them….wait a second that example didn’t come out right either. Let me try again.
DPT: Be my guest. How large a hole do you want to dig?
Reverend Phelps: This isn’t going the way I wanted it to. You’re twisting my words. One more time, god hates
DPT: You’re a loon. One more question A** Clown Phelps. Did you say “A good left hook makes for a right fine wife. Brethren, they can lock us up, but we'll still do what the Bible tells us to do. Either our wives are going to obey, or we're going to beat them!” during a sermon?
Reverend Phelps: I sure did, and I’ll tell you why: god hates my wife not obeying me; god hates gays, my wife is gay. Therefore: I’m married to my wife; my wife is gay; I’m a gay evil devil woman and should be beaten. Wait that one didn't work either umm....
DPT: Well that about sums it up for me to A** Clown Phelps. There is a special place in he*l for you.