Thursday, August 25, 2005

That’s Not Funny! (A Phat History Lesson)

I guess B-Cack’s entry into my Swag Contest touched a nerve and set off a decent debate. After reading the comments, I started thinking what made things like that funny to me and B-Cack. I thought back to the funny things I witnessed in the army and realized that, unlike my more civilized standards now, most of the jokes I found funny then, are now too disgusting, crass, gay, or cruel to share with people that were never in a combat unit in the military. I’ve tried to explain them before, but most people looked at me like I was a freak (in a bad way), because most of them involve nakedness and violence (but rarely together). I’ll list some examples and you can decide if they are funny or not. (‘Of course in bullet form. Hooray bullets!)

  • In every unit there is always one guy that will take off his clothes at the drop at the hat. We had one that would stand at the back of formation before we would take a company picture and then right before the picture was taken he would step out from behind everyone naked with his "stuff" tucked, so it made him look like an extremely ugly lady.
  • Skinny pimp and I bought B-Cack midget porn for Christmas one year. It took us a long time to find it and then had to take it back to get it put in the right format so it would play on U.S. VCRs. How is Gidgette B-Cack?
  • After a long night of drinking, when some one had to take a leak, we would wait till that person got in front of a bush and started, then push them into the bush. Let the hilarity begin.
  • I laughed hard when a guy passed out from fear of a needle, while practicing giving IVs. We even took pictures. He turned gray, said, "I have a wife and three kids" then bam, out like a light.
  • Crack head Gilbert fell asleep first on a field exercise and Izzy pulled down his pants, steadied himself over the top of Gilbert, tapped Gilbert on the shoulder, and then had another soldier take a snapshot with his camera just as Gilbert looked up to see what was going on.
  • I laughed every time Expletive Delph busted his head on something.
  • I laughed every time that I heard soldiers scream in pain as they were being dragged in a skidco. A skidco is a piece plastic that you drag on the ground with a wounded soldier in it. We had to pull one 200 meters in a certain amount of time. It made for a very bumpy ride when two soldiers are hauling a$$, dragging another soldier across un-even ground, plus it was like 100 degrees that day.
  • I laughed when I heard that Puffy jumped out of the third story window to avoid an a$$ kicking by another soldier.
  • I laughed when I heard Sgt. Downey beat up a guy while wearing flip-flops.
  • It was funny when B-Cack came into his room drunk and puked on the floor, after his roommate had spent hours buffing and waxing it.
  • It was a laugh riot when Skinny Pimp told me about the time he woke up one night, saw a flicker of light from beneath his bunk (bunk beds), and caught ODB (Old Dirty Bowers) floggin’ the dolphin. It was even funnier when Skinny Pimp said he just shouted, "Get some!" at ODB.

These are just a few of the things I thought were funny. Even B-Cack doesn't find everything funny though. Ask him about the "your the winner game". The way you know you crossed the line in the military is the other guy that you're sharing the joke with will try to hit you. Most of you are probably readjusting your thoughts about me, but the truth is combat arms soldiers are just that way. It’s like a bunch of 13 year old boys with weapons. I guess I’ll always like the potty humour.

You know I took advantage of Basil's Blog and the free trackbacks.


At 7:36 PM, Blogger Tyler D. said...


At 7:37 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Most of this looks like healthy hilarious male bonding humor to me.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

At 7:39 PM, Anonymous B-Cack said...

First of all, I have to give props to Phat Tony for stealing my LURP scroll off of my website. ( I lurped it first). Second I have to say that he is dead on with his interpretation of the matter. I guess it is just a way to blow off steam when a bad day at the "office" usually ends up with someone dead or horribly injured.

By the way, Gidget is fine.. damn it she was a good actress. I would give her $50.00 to go up on me!

What about the time Babijida Akiode offered the BC an Axe handle to take a whack at Fish's car.!

At 8:15 PM, Blogger Nightcrawler said...

I've never been in the military or in combat but I found all of those to be quite funny! I think it all has to do with the audience and the fact that many people don't know teh funny when they see it!

At 8:28 PM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

That stuff looked funny to me.
Of course, I am a crass, rude foundry rat...

At 8:30 PM, Blogger GunnNutt said...

I think they're funny, too.

At 9:29 PM, Anonymous Fitch said...

The part about Crackhead Gilbert is REALLY funny.

At 5:47 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

I had to add that part in there B-Cack as it might bring google search hits.

At 6:40 AM, Anonymous basil said...

That's Army humor. And not related to combat units, by the way. I was in Maintenance, MI, and Artillery units. Similar stuff went on in all those.

The "skidco" story reminded me of a field exercise we were on in the MSB unit (C 724 Spt Bn). The exercise had us in MOPP 4 and undergoing an attack that included gas. And there were observers around.

Some soldiers who were "injured" were to be transported on a litter. And we had more "injured" than litters. A group of us, lead by my squad leader, were transporting them. The observer saw that one "injured" soldier didn't have his mask properly in place (or some other such fatal mistake) and declared him dead.

The Sgt immedidately dumped the "dead" soldier off the litter and went back to get another "injured" soldier who was awaiting transport, in an attempt to "save" the living.

The "dead" soldier was not happy. And I started laughing so hard, it lead to my being "killed" within minutes.

At 9:00 AM, Anonymous MEGABRAD said...

Funny funny. All good stuff.

At 2:03 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

I'm glad to see Basil actually takes the time to visit the people that use his site to increase their ttlb title.

At 3:03 PM, Anonymous B-Cack said...

Funny how all the "casualties" are always the biggest mofo's around (usually me). Hey Phat Tony, you remember the time dumb ass Gilbert burned down his room (a.k.a. sparky) What a retread

At 5:22 PM, Blogger Peakah said...

I called it "tool use" when recalling stories about guys you refer to as: skinny pimp, crack head gilbert, expletive delph...

My days in the military were way too much fun and possible future blog-post material now that Doc has me thinkin about it again. cheeks hurt...


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