Tuesday, August 09, 2005

You Can’t Handle the A

Wow! You guys had a lot of questions yesterday. Luckily I’ve been resting my mind playing Tiger Woods and I’m ready to hand you your A. It looks to me like there is a little competition between the men and the women. I’ll try to be as impartial as possible.

On to the questions.

Fitch asks: “Why don't women ever admit that their period might be at least partially responsible for the argument you just had? I need to know doc.

Let me tell you, because of the experiences that I have had, I know that there is only 3 days every month when a woman isn’t crazy (those days aren’t necessarily together). PMS is actually an abstract term used to justify men being wrong and woman being angry, sad, and irritable all at the same time. How much fun would it be for you to blame initials for your behavior?

Kate asks: “Do gentleman really prefer blondes?”

As a gentleman and being married to a blonde, I’m going with yes on this one. True, when I met her she dyed her hair to be a brunette, but she’s naturally a blonde and at the moment blonde so until any of those things change, the answer will remain yes. What are you trying to do, get me in trouble?

A4G asks: “Now that you seem to be firmly a TTLB Marauding Marsupial, what will you be storing in your new pouch? “

I’ve done some research on Marauding, and it looks like I’ll need some weapons and a pouch is a good place to store them when moving. I haven’t made up my mind whether I want to go traditional or modern yet though.

Insolublog asks: “What part of the brain makes men mix beer and sports, while women mix wine and shopping? “

Didn’t want to break it to you Insolublog, but it has nothing to do with the brain. I’ll have to refer you to one of your parents for that awkward talk, but give you a hint; it has something to do with ding-dings and hooh-hahs, make your own analogy if you like.

Fmragtops asks: “What happens if a terrorist is killed by U.S. troops, or police prior to killing any infidels, how many virgins does he get?”

I just happen to be reading through the Koran and have found the passage that will explain this. “If a jihadist fails to accomplish a killing in the name of Allah and perishes, he will be given a slow goat. All praise to Allah, Mohammed Jihad.”

Pk asks: “What is the air speed velocity of an African Swallow?”

I have a definitive answer for you. According to the late night special on the Animal Planet channel “Swallow and Spit”, they move at the speed of Live 8.

Pop asks: “At what age do children start accepting responsibility for their own screw ups, and stop crapping on their parents when they bail them out?( disclaimer ) This question is in no way directed at my number 1 son. "

Well pop let me tell you that I still blame you for me not being rich. If you would have made better financial decisions, I could be living off a fat trust fund. As for why do a few of your offspring decide to use you as a toilet? I would suggest that you don’t wear your porcelain white suit anymore. It confuses my siblings. They are only one step above a toaster on the evolutionary scale. See what happens when you get you spouse drunk to get some action.

Wyatt Earp asks: “Who's the black private dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks?
Who is the man that would risk his neck
For his brother man?
Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's danger all about?"

Sounds like a penis question Earp, so watch your mouth, this is a family friendly blog.

Uber asks: “Why are liberals so certain that they are always right and that the rest of us poor bumpkins either have deep character flaws, mental retardation or are closet "Brown Shirts" who secretly celebrate Adolf Hitler and we'll vote for their idiology if only they point this out to us often and loud enough? “

It’s really just a defense mechanism to keep us from killing them. They were intelligently designed to be stupid, and showing us this trait brings pity from us instead of wrath.

Anonymous asks: “why ?? you hate woman so much , if not her who can make you smile last night......?????"

I think my wife outed herself. Let me explain that my wife, although she can speak and read English very well, still has problems with writing correctly, so I will translate her question for you guys. “Why are you such a wonderful husband and near perfect Dr. Phat Tony?” I was intelligently designed to be that way.

Tyler D. asks: “What is your name?
What is your Quest?
What is your favorite color?

Names at the top of the blog. I’m here to sell swag. Which color does it need to be for you to buy swag?

Jackie asks: “Why don't men realize women are always right?
Accept this and everyone would be a lot happier.

Jackie, I’ll give you the standard answer. Uh huh. Whatever you say dear. Sure honey. I’ll do it in a second.

Gunnnutt asks: “What is the meaning of life? And does it have anything to do with guns?"

Well I know that happiness is a warm gun, a warm bed, a warm meal, and a hot woman, so I think that the meaning of life has something to do with temperature.

B-Cack asks: “Why is getting a manicure GAY, and going to your friends wedding not?
(Why do your friends buy you midget porn... and why did I watch it.... twice... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh)”

Men should be working with their hands, not blowing on them to dry the clear nail polish, and as long as the wedding isn’t a gay wedding, manicures for men will always be gay. For the second question; Do you know how long it took me and Skinny Pimp to find a porn that would satisfy your wacko fetish? I think the reason you watched it twice is the same reason you sent Expletive Delph an inflatable midget in a care package.

Lil’ B-Cack asks: “Why does my big brother admit to watching midget porn???”

Stumped me on this one. He’s one sick puppy.

Peakah asks: “How many drinks do you want me to have on Wakikki Beach for you tomorrow morning?”

It’s not so much a number as it is a proportion. Drink till you vomit, then go to one drink every 30 minutes to maintain a drunken stupor.

That’s all for the A part of this episode. I’ll leave you a question of my own. Does anone have the XHTML code for the “expand and collapse” for an article? If you do please email it to me and let me know where to place it in my code. Also notice the "link love". I'm expecting all to reciprocate.


At 7:05 AM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

It's not a penis question. It's a Shaft question. He's a bad mother . . .


At 7:30 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

I like the reply to Gunnut's question. It appeals to the physics geek in me.

At 8:54 AM, Blogger PoP said...

I truley hate to correct my wonderful son the Doctor. the correct answer to Tylor D's guestion is Pop. in search of the Holy Grail and blue, no wait red AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

At 9:09 AM, Blogger a4g said...

With Blogger, expand/contract is a pain. You need to modify your template, and if I remember correctly, once you install, it's on every post whether you want it or not. But check it out anyway-- I could be wrong.

Try this link.

At 9:12 AM, Blogger a4g said...

Nevermind on the "whether you want it or not". The solution given can be used on those posts where appropriate.

At 9:18 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Thanks A4G

At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Fitch said...

I loved your "translation" of your "wife's" comments. And swag needs to be black or navy blue, and, uh, Of course I'll reciprocate. Lately I seem to have trouble NOT linking to you. Great work Doc!

At 11:05 AM, Blogger Uber said...

Haha! I love the Q&A.

Your lovely wife is a lucky woman to have such knowledge available to her 24/7 Doc. *g*

p.s. I didn't need a translation...it's a woman thang. lol

At 2:57 PM, Blogger Kate said...

Excellent, Doc...very enjoyable. :)

And psssstttt...I'd never try to get you in trouble! :)


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