Friday, September 30, 2005

My New Favorite Holiday

Fiesta de las Golondrinas (which is probably Spanish for I can’t believe the woman did that for me) is now my new favorite parade and holiday. Fiesta de las Golondrinas, more commonly known as Swallows Day, is destined to be a national holiday if I have my way. Not having read any more than the title, and filling all the other parts of this holiday in with my own imagination, I can see this festival spreading across America quickly as long as married men are in charge of politics. So all you guys go ahead and mark your calendar. On March 25 of next year you can spend all day trying to convince your wife that it’s Swallows Day and it would be un-American not to participate. If that doesn’t work tell her that participating helps reduce risk of breast cancer or something like that. Everyone start writing their congressman right now to make this a national holiday. (If this offended anyone just know that I'm still laughing about this right now.)

Funny and Other Interests for Friday

PETA rescue mission failed to save the animal. Would be rescuer sent back to the mental institution.

Koran handling seminar held in Northern Ireland. Muslims are outraged but wary of pitting their terrorist against Irish hooligans.

New York Times reporter took extra time verifying an authorization to release news. In other news; Hell has frozen solid.

Steve the Pirate is hosting the Carnival of Comedy. Everyone should go there because my post is there so you know it has to be...mildly amusing.

I’ll give you another wonderful Stephen Lynch song, to make your morning a little brighter. (Warning!! Lot’s of letters being used inappropriately.)

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Muslims Gone Wild

American culture is spreading through Iraq(u) almost as fast as Democracy. Baby steps towards the morale decadence that we have here in the U.S. are being made. Taking a lesson from American commercials found on the internet, an industrious Iraq(u)i has decided to cash in like a good capitalist. God bless em for trying. (Warning not suitable for fundamentalist Muslims, Islamofascists, or Wacko Muslim Terrorists.)

Add this video to your site.
Basil's lunch menu

A$$ of Fury

A couple from Montana were out riding on the range, he with his rifle and she (fortunately) with her camera. Their dogs always followed them, but on this occasion a Mountain Lion decided that he wanted to stalk the dogs (you'll see the dogs in the background watching). Very, very bad decision...

The hunter got off the mule with his rifle and decided to shoot in the air to scare away the lion, but before he could get off a shot the lion charged in and decided he wanted a piece of those dogs. With that, the mule took off and decided he wanted a piece of that lion. That's when all hell broke loose... for the lion.

As the lion approached the dogs the mule snatched him up by the tail and started whirling him around. Banging its head on the ground on every pass. Then he dropped it, stomped on it and held it to the ground by the throat. The mule then got down on his knees and bit the thing all over a couple of dozen times to make sure it was dead, than whipped it into the air again, walked back over to the couple (that were stunned in silence) and stood there ready to continue his ride... as if nothing had just happened.

Fortunately even though the hunter didn't get off a shot, his wife got off these four...

Hat-Tip B-Cack
Have some breakfast at Basil's
Some other specials at Jo's Cafe

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Secret Chinese Plans Uncovered

Following the example of The Evil Emperor Mindstation, I have also uncovered secret Chinese plans. By greasing Chinese politicians palms, and promising them that an American blonde would “love them long time”, I was given secret plans to prevent the spread of Asian Bird Flu. Unfortunately, like most Chinese technology, it seems a bit primitive.

Link to Basil's lunch menu

Queer Eye for the Canadian

The U.S.’s main export to Canada is soon to be homosexuals. Canada is begging for the queer professionals to immigrate to Toronto Ontario. Besides being one of the first North American provinces to allow gay marriage, they also have a large number of techno clubs and Turkish baths. David Spencer, a spokesman for the provincial Ministry of Health, said, “We have gay pride every day. We are happy to have a country where being a homosexual is still not as gay as speaking French. The only thing that worries us is that people may make fun of a Canadian accent if it has a lisp.”

He also added, “Canada has been pretty gay for along time, we might as well try to take advantage of it. Plus we are in real need of people with a fashion sense. It’s been along time since we had grown men march down the street dressed in leather or wearing ridiculous costumes.”

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newson has said, “How dare Canada try to steal my constituents. Everyone knows that there is no gayer place than San Francisco.”

It looks like the struggle between Toronto Ontario and San Francisco for rights to be the gayest city, might turn into a slap fight or fashion show. I personally think it should be decided by a wiener eating contest.

The real story here.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Look to the Ska

When ever I’m feeling a little down, I find it best to throw on some happy music to lighten the mood. One of the best music genres to accomplish this is ska. Not only do most of the musicians look like a bunch of engineers trying to dress hip, they actually play instruments that don’t require electricity. (Reel Big Fish pictured left)

I’ve been listening to ska since I was in high school and really just dug how it was sort of like reggae meets punk rock, without all the Hali Salasi praising, pot smoking, and angry people wearing green jackets with orange liners. So to help brighten your day I have a great song from Reel Big Fish. It’s the best remake of a song I’ve ever heard. What’s even better is that I hated the original song but they figured out a way to make it cool. Enjoy. (click on the link to download it, duh)

Home On the Range II (A Phat History Lesson)

The last time I wrote about going to the range, I wrote about a demolition range. This time I would like to tell you about my first live fire range. A live fire range is where you practice maneuvering with your team while throwing live ammunition down range at targets. In a Long Range Surveillance unit the only type of maneuvering you do is break contact (retreat). There I was, no sh**, I was an E-2 and had only been at my unit for about 4 weeks when we first went to the live fire range to drill on breaking contact. The way it was set up was, you would move as a team towards an objective, the range cadre would initiate contact by remotely activating pop up targets, you then break contact by bounding by pairs, move to the grenade pit that they made to shoot more targets and throw some frags, and then fall back to an extraction point.

It was not a hard range, but because of the weight you carried in our rucksack it made very exhausting. So my team of 5 started our range. It was me, Ranger Foreskin (I call him this because before going to Ranger school he had to get circumcised, at age 24), Spc Joe Porter, Spc Short&Fat, and Spc “I’m not from Boston; I’m from Louisiana” (Craziest accent I’ve ever heard.). My instructions were simple; stay next Spc Short&Fat; don’t shoot anyone.

Off we went heading towards our objective. We walked a ways then the first targets popped up. I laid down covering fire while half my team fell back, then they laid down fire while Spc Short&Fat and I fell back. Our SOP (standard operating procedures) said that every 3rd round in our magazine was a tracer (even during the daytime) and that the last three rounds in the magazine were also to be tracers. The tracers at the bottom of the magazine were there to let you know when to change magazines. So we break contact from the first set of targets, do a peel right, and then moved to the grenade pit to throw our frags.

The order in which we were going to throw our grenades had already been established before getting on the range. Everyone would shoot targets while one person would ready a grenade. Then that person would yell “Frag out!” and everyone would duck behind the sandbags that they put out for us. After the explosion, everyone would pop back up and shoot more targets while the next person would ready their grenade. It was going along smoothly until it was my turn. I took the tape off the spoon, popped the jungle clip, pulled the pin, and stood up to throw my grenade when Ranger Foreskin yelled “Frag out!”. I thought I had screwed up the order and it wasn’t my turn yet. I figured that I would wait for the explosion, then stand up throw my grenade and everything would be fine, and no one would be the wiser to my foul up. So I had a death grip on my grenade, holding down the spoon, next to my chest and waited to hear the explosion. No explosion came. The range cadre yelled “Who’s got the Grenade?!” I answered that I did. He then instructed me to throw the grenade using simple four letter words so that I could understand it. I stood up, yelled frag out, and chunked the grenade. It turns out Ranger Foreskin thought that he should take responsibility to yell frag out for me (asstard). The explosion and we went on with the drill. Now it’s Range Foreskins turn to throw his grenade. He yelled frag out (for himself this time) and launched his grenade. Everyone got back down behind the sand bags and waited for the explosion. The explosion never came. It turns out that Ranger Foreskin forgot to take the tape off the spoon. Remember when I told you about using tracer rounds, even during the day? Well, we had also started a fire about 100m away. The fire was starting to get large and the grenade was out in the range with only a piece of tape keeping it from exploding.

This is when I knew that the chances of getting killed on a range were much greater than getting killed jumping out of an airplane. Here was the solution that the range cadre came up with on the spot. Instead of waiting for EOD to show up and blow the grenade (they didn’t want to close the range since we were the first team to run it and it would take about 4 hours for EOD to get there) they had my team go and try to stomp out the fire, while one of the range cadre went and looked for the grenade. How everyone made it off that range without getting hurt was a miracle. I’m so glad the Ranger Foreskin was taken off my team a few months later. I think that was the closest I came to death. The whole time I was stomping out that fire, I just kept thinking to myself that my parents are going to have a lot of fun with that $200,000 life insurance policy the army gave to me.

Home on the Range I
Phat History Lessons
There is a picnic at Basil's

Monday, September 26, 2005

A Broken English Lesson

After reading one of Mega Brad’s post and speaking with a coworker this morning, I realized that I had a knack at understanding broken English. I think it had to do with the foreign language that I took when I was in high school. My high school offered Japanese as a choice for a foreign language. The best thing about the class was listening to a little Japanese lady speak about her weekend trips using crazy sounding English. It took me two years to be able to halfway understand her English, but learning broken English has been a useful tool. In the Japanese language there is only one letter that doesn’t end a vowel. That letter is “n”. They are also lacking quite a few consonants and consonant groupings that we have in English; for instance “L” and “TH”. They make do by using other sounds to give the effect of saying those letters and consonant groupings by using “R” for “L” and “SHI” for “TH”. I’ll give you a short story as I heard it in Japanese class from my teacher.

(Rules to read story: A sounds like A from “ball”, I sounds like I in “sheik”, U sounds like U in “Peru”, E sound like E from “heh”, O sounds like O in “Joe”. If you don’t pronounce it like this I’m sure it gets even more crapped up. Note: She married into her last name which really just made it funnier. Her first name was Taeko and last name Horowitz)

Horowitz Sensei: Resen kurasu, Ai hafu somushin tu teru yu. Tisu wikendu Ai wentu Ataranta. Mi an chideren wentu sekusu furagasu.

DPT: Did you go on the “rora” coaster, Horowitz sensei?

Horowitz Sensei: No, Ai dontu rike te rora kosuta.

DPT: Did you go anywhere else in “Ataranta”?

Horowitz Sensei: Hai. Wi wentu koka kora fakutori.

DPT: Oh the CocaCola head quarters?

Horowitz Sensei: Hai. An te undaguranda en Ataranta. Taetu wasu te rasetu chingu wi du.

I’m so glad I spent two years in learning a foreign language that I would never use. I had to stop the story there ‘cause I was getting a headache just from writing it. Can anyone figure out what Horowitz Sensei was saying?

A Voice for Soldiers

I’ve heard that the military has been coming down on the mil blogs, because of OPSEC and political correctness. This is a little disheartening, knowing that most people don’t get a chance to hear a soldier’s opinion on politics and foreign affairs. It’s not really fair to them, but it’s understandable that the military wants to be able to control the information and opinions that are voiced by soldiers. A soldier doesn’t lose rights when they join but they do have to follow a code of ethics and rules prohibiting certain behaviors that the rest of us do not have to follow. Not saying that a soldier does not have the right to free speech, but there are repercussions for speech that would be deemed harmful to the image that the military wants the public to see. Point blank, just like your job. You can say anything you want once, then if the bosses don’t like it; they fire you. In the military there is no line between off duty and on duty when it comes to behavior.

So I propose this: Any soldier that can send me proof of military service will be able to post anonymous rants on my blog. If you have a rant that would most likely get you in trouble with you chain of command, but feel the need to say it with out repercussions. Just e-mail me (use the email link on the side bar) your rant and sufficient proof of service and it will be posted in its entirety, with complete anonymity.

It’s probably time to hear what the soldiers are saying about the things they see on the news. Maybe I can help with that.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Neo-Cons Strike Again

After a successful mission of destroying homes and killing hundreds (if not thousands) of poor minorities by using explosives to create a hole in a levee in New Orleans, neo-cons have targeted another one of their nemeses in Texas. Much like the New Orleans operation, the neo-cons slipped into Texas under the cover of a Hurricane. Once there, they destroyed a bus carrying nursing home patients. Neo-cons have struck fear into the hearts of old people in Texas, and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight for the conservative mayhem.

AARP rep for Texas, Clarence Alzheimer, has released a statement and said, “We can not protect ourselves from these conservatives. They are hell bent on destroying us. They first wanted to take our Social Security, then they want to take our Medicare, and now they are blowing us up. When will the government step up and take care of the elderly in this nation. Those conservatives have so many weapons at their disposal. Satellite TV, ipods, new fangled video games, all these things cause terror to the elderly.”

Over Lord Karl Rove, head of the neo-cons has released a statement countering the AARP’s accusations. “I demand that AARP retract its statement blaming conservatives for the destruction of the bus in Texas. They will do this now, or I will remove the government tit from their mouths and tell their children not to call them.”

When I asked Clarence Alzheimer how he felt about the Rove statement released on the internet, he replied, “The inter-what? Stop scaring me with your technology.”

I'm sure this complete lie will end up on Democratic Underground.
Linked it on Basil's Blog for Lunch

Friday Links and Other Funny

Time to give out some free linkage and lead people to teh funny.

Missy has a great post about a new children's book. I'm thinking most of my readers with children, can use this book to help explain liberalism to their children.

Steve the Pirate tries his hand at some filthy lies about yours truly. By the way, Only 3 countries currently ban Dr. Phat Tony.

I've also included what I want my readers to buy me for Christmas. It's never to early to start thinking about those kind of things.

Tyler D. is going to be live bloggin the season finale of Battlestar Galactica.

Of course I will also Give you another Stephen Lynch Song. Why? Because that guy cracks me up.

Nagen Front Runner for Mayor of the Year

Mayor Nagen is in the front running for the Mayor of the Year award that will presented in December. He might also make Time’s Man of the Year if trends keep going the way they are. When I spoke to an anonymous member selection committee about how they came up with Nagen’s name for mayor of the year, I was told, “Mayor Nagen has decreased the amount of crime in New Orleans by a hundred fold. Not many mayors can say they started out with the city with the highest murder rate and then, in a matter of a month, be at the bottom of the list. Plus, he saved countless lives by rescinding his plea for the citizens of New Orleans to come back to face Hurricane Rita. The man is a misunderstood hero.”

I then asked, “…But what about the failure of Mayor Nagen to follow his own evacuation plan before Hurricane Katrina? Do you think that the drop in murders might have been caused by the lack of people in New Orleans?”

Anonymous member of the selection committee replied, “Don’t you watch the news? It was all Bush’s fault. It doesn’t matter how Mayor Nagen reduced the murder rate. The fact that it has been reduced next to nothing is still remarkable.”

This has only been a premonition and is not based on any fact. If this does happen in the near future all must bow down to my clairvoyant powers.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Other Colorful Things to Say to Reporters

Everyone has been quite happy with the way Lt Gen. Honore handled the reporters by saying they were “stuck on stupid”. I thought it was quite appropriate the way he treated them like new privates in the army, that hadn’t been around long enough to know anything. Never missing the chance to use bullets, I decided on a few more colorful Army phrases he can use in his next press briefing.

  • Get your head out of your 4th point of contact.
  • You’re all f**ked up like polio.
  • Your ate up like a soup sandwich.
  • Do push-ups until you can think of something intelligent to say. You will either be a smart reporter or a strong reporter.
  • You are the poster child for birth control. In ancient Greece you would have been left on a hill to die as a baby.
  • What is your major malfunction? Do they let retards be reporters?
  • Kill yourself for being stupid. We need to stop you from breeding before you spread your idiocy.
  • What part of this do you not understand? Am I going to need to draw on construction paper with crayon for you to comprehend?
  • Your speaking privileges have been revoked from here on out.

I’m sure there are a lot more. If you have any ideas leave them in the comments.

Jesus Vrs. Jedi

So I have been thinking about it, and since I am already pretty much established on a highway to hell, I might as well post my latest pondering. I have been debating as to whether or not Jesus was a Jedi, and if so would he be as cool as Obi Wan Kenobi? Since the only real way to decide is to do a detailed comparison. Here goes;

Jesus: Has great robes
Obi Wan Kenobi: Also has great robes
Advantage: Tie

Jesus: Cool beard
Obi Wan Kenobi: You guessed it; has a cool beard
Advantage: Tie

Jesus: Walks on water
Obi Wan Kenobi: Can perform Jedi mind trick
Advantage: Jesus

Jesus: Hangs out with Mary Magdalene
Obi Wan Kenobi: Hangs out with Padme Amidala
Advantage: Obi Wan

Jesus: Savior of mankind
Obi Wan Kenobi: Savior of the Republic
Advantage: Tie

Jesus: Speaks in fables
Obi Wan Kenobi: Speaks in fables
Advantage: Tie

Jesus: Must resist Satan
Obi Wan Kenobi: Fights Darth Vader
Advantage: Jesus

Jesus: Wears sandals
Obi Wan Kenobi: Has cool boots
Advantage: Obi Wan

Jesus: Spent 40 days in desert
Obi Wan Kenobi: Lived on Tattoine for years
Advantage: Obi Wan

Jesus: Was resurrected on 3rd day
Obi Wan Kenobi: Made cameos in Empire and Return of the Jedi
Advantage: Jesus

Jesus: Is the light of the world
Obi Wan Kenobi: Has cool light saber
Advantage: Obi Wan

Jesus: Is worshipped by many
Obi Wan Kenobi: Is worshipped by uber dorks
Advantage: Jesus

Jesus: Preaches to the masses
Obi Wan Kenobi: Gave lectures to Anakin
Advantage: Jesus

Jesus: Children dress like him for church plays
Obi Wan Kenobi: Geeks dress like him for movie premiers
Advantage: Jesus

Obi Wan Kenobi: Doesn't have enough money to fix space ship
Jesus: Jew
Advantage: Jesus

I could go on for hours, but I have work to do... guess we will call Jesus the winner..... I can't be too sac religious........B-Cack OUT.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

XXX President Finds Product He can Really Get Into

Ex-President Clinton has given support and his name to a product being produced in China. After earlier dealings with them, China giving his campaign an insane amount of money, he said he only thinks it’s fair that he return the favor by lending his name to a quality product. The new product will be the Clinton Brand Condoms. They will be coming (cumming?) in three distinct models. The first being the Clinton Condom, which is brown and ribbed much like his favorite cigar. The next line will be the “Slick Willy” Extra Lubricated Condom. The final model of the Clinton Condoms will be the flavored “Lewinski” Condom. Dick Hwuang Lo, head of Clinton Condom product development, said, “We couldn’t be more pleased that President Clinton, lent us his name for these condoms. It’s a perfect fit. These condoms were designed to get you out of all the problems associated with promiscuous sex, a lesson best learned by a teacher like Clinton.” Mr. Lo also said, “…but really how could he turn us down. We promised he could be the lead in every commercial.” When asked on how the condoms performed Mr. Lo said, “Much like the president, these condoms are resilient to breaking under pressure, like a perjury hearing or White Water. Unlike Clinton though, we won’t lie to you about their performance. Our main target consumer for our product is liberals and communists, so it wouldn't matter if we told the truth or not, they'll believe anything Clinton says.”

The real story here.

Some Lunch at Basil's Blog
Got scooped by Peakah


I’ve updated my blog roll and feel that everyone should stop by take a look at their site and see why I added them. To entice you further to look at their site I will add little blurbs about why I added them.

Bluebird’s Classroom is a teacher blog. She teaches 6th grad here in the south. Kids are funny all by themselves, and most school systems are all backwards. Only good things can come from this blog.

McSwain’s Rant is a blog I sent people to once before to help sponsor his wife in a marathon to raise money for Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy. There is more to his site than that though. He also does give a nice rant about the asinine lefties.

A Rose By Any Other Name is a blog I stumbled upon after a comment was left here on my blog. She has got the best quotes about poverty from one of our founding fathers. It’s amazing how smart those guys were, even in relation to modern day problems.

Fmragtops Spews is the last on the list. I honestly thought I had him on my blog roll a long time ago. It’s been corrected now so he can enjoy the limited hits he might obtain by being on a list.

And since none of this was funny I’ll give you another Steven Lynch song to make up for my lack of funny.

Download song here.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The Answers to Raising a Child

I have tried my best not to use “shock collar” in too many of my answers. Just remember, a child might forget the present you bought it for being good one day (positive reinforcement), but it will never forget the beating it got for being bad that one day (negative reinforcement).

Steve the Pirate asks, “I am twenty years old and (quite happily) unmarried. However, I would like to ask what age you think I should have my first lil' pirate?”

DPT: I would suggest that every time you think you want to have a child, rent one from Pop for a weekend. If by the end of the weekend you still think it’s a good idea to have a child; don’t pull out.

Steve (non-pirate) asks, “When raising children How far down do you plant the seed? and how often should you water them?”

DPT: After that horrible joke you set me up like this Steve? How far in the gutter do you want me stoop? I’ll just say, some can plant their seed deeper than others, but that question has more to do with making a child than raising one. Now the water issue is quite simple. Leave a bowl of water out. When it’s empty, fill it again. Another way is to just leave the toilet seat up.

Jo asks, “I don't have children, on purpose, can you help with dogs?”

DPT: Dogs actually respond to positive reinforcement, unlike children, that’s probably the way you should go to train them.

Pop asks, “How do you get your children to care for their own children?”

DPT: Well, I would look carefully at what you did, then not do that.

A4G asks, “How can I convince my kids that Daddy's "blogging time" is more important than their stupid bedtime stories?”

DPT: The best solution would be to introduce them to the foot of justice.

A4G asks, “How can I ensure that my kids won't turn into dirty filthy hippies when it offers so much free, unprotected sex?”

DPT: I think the best way is to show the slides I was shown during basic training by the Health Department there in Columbus Georgia. Most people realize quickly that herpes, genital warts and syphilis is not the way to go after seeing the slides of the local infected. Then show them these pictures of Hippies and say "That's what you'll become, if you don't change your ways."

A4G asks, “When is it appropriate for me to start haranguing my kids the way Pop harangues you?”

DPT: Easy test to tell when it’s time to start haranguing your brood. Are you old? Are you feeble? Are you nearly blind? Do you constantly search for boobies on the internet? If you answered yes to all of these questions; the time has come.

A4G asks, “If I have the impulse to protest the Iraq War like Cindy Sheehan, do I have to wait until my kid dies in combat? Or can I do it while he's still deployed?”

DPT: Definitely try to do it while the child is deployed. The a$$ wupping you would receive when he got back would be well worth watching.

David asks, “How do you explain to your child that the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle may well be equal to the sum of the squares of the two adjacent sides, but he still doesn't get the keys to the car to go to a rap "concert"? Sub-question: can you disown your child for thinking that rap is music?”

DPT: I suggest sending him to the MC Pothagoream concert, or making him watch school house rock until he cries or knows all the words. To answer the second question, I would say that disowning my be a stretch. Have I told you about the shock collar treatment though?

David asks, “Should you holler "Slut! Slut!" in public when your daughter dresses like a 2-bit whore?”

DPT: Absolutely not! By the way Steve the Pirate wants your daughter’s phone number.

Stretch asks, “At what point is it no longer appropriate to breast feed children?”

DPT: Tough one. I would say that I just hope the male kids graduate past their mother’s breast sooner than later. If that happens then let the little guy have his way. As for the little girls, if their love of breast feeding doesn’t subside by 3 years old, they might have a promising career in Women’s studies, or adult films.

Insolublog asks, "If I ever have kids, when is the best time to phase them out of 'The Foot of Justice' and allow them to explore A$$es, Tit$ and Firearms?"

DPT: It really depends on the sex of the child. The first time you catch your son staring at a woman's a$$ or tit$, it's time to have the discussion. If you catch you daughter staring at a woman's a$$ or tit$, make sure she isn't comparing them to hers. If she's just doing a comparison you're safe. If it's something more gay, apply the shock collar. As far as firearms go, as soon as a child knows that hippies, commies and terrorists are valid targets, head to the range.

A late question from Missy, "I'm a single parent of two and I'm constantly being nudged (pushed) into dating by family and friends. Somehow they find it unbelievable that I can be happy alone. I haven't dated in quite awhile because I put my focus on the kids and myself. While raising children alone, is it better to remain single or date, which opens up the possibility of them getting attached easily and getting hurt? Besides... I'm in Massachusetts. It's really hard to find a good Conservative guy up here."

DPT: Oh no, a real question that there might not be a funny angle. hmmm...First I guess I should tell you that you shouldn't date your children no matter how hard up you get for a date. This is a valid option if you lived in Mississippi, but you live in Mass. If they are really young (under 2 years of age) dating can still be an option. If they are older than 15 (and responsible enough to be at home and not get in trouble) dating can be an option. Unfortunately between those ages kids really need a mommy. It's unfortunate 'cause it takes a conservative woman off the dating market. The good news is that you'll be providing future conservatives a date.

Well that should get everyone headed in the right direction for raising children. Good luck with it.
Put it on Basil's Blog.

Questions About Child Rearing

I’m not a parent, but I did once baby-sit my niece. With that said I’m going to be answering all you questions about how to raise a child. I know what you are thinking, “How can someone with no children know how to raise a child?” Well it’s simple. I have a Dr. in front of my name and can be an expert in everything for all you know. So go ahead and ask me questions on how to raise your children. I’m sure I wont screw them up too bad.

Monday, September 19, 2005

You Might Be An A$$hole

I stayed up late watching a movie Saturday night and noticed something that made me say, “Wow, those people are a$$holes.” I was watching Rounders and they were playing poker at a cigar lounge, and the people sitting at the table were describing their cigars with words like “bold, subtle, and after taste”. Never to let a chance to make a list using bullets, here is the “You might be an a$$hole” list.

  • You might be an a$$hole if you say that a multiple choice question test about math and English holds a cultural and racist bias.
  • You might be an a$$hole if you use words like “subtle, bold, and after taste” when describing drinks, smoke, or food.
  • You might be an a$$hole if you can tell the year a wine was made, by tasting it.
  • You might be an a$$hole if you talk about American beer tasting like piss, while holding a 3 carb lite beer.
  • You might be an a$$hole if you think that Communism and Socialism will work if the right people run it.
  • You might be an a$$hole if you are a liberal arts teacher badmouthing Capitalism while charging people for information that they can get from a book, free at the library.
  • You might be an a$$hole if you have a Green Peace sticker on the bumper of your Mercedes SUV.
  • You might be an a$$hole if you consider yourself a connoisseur of anything.
  • You might be an a$$hole if you give more money to a political organization than to a charity, but complain about the plight of the poor.
  • You might be an a$$hole if when anything bad happens, it’s a conspiracy, and when anything good happens, it’s a trick.
  • You might be an a$$hole if have a $50,000 car and a $35,000 house.
  • You might be an a$$hole if you are on welfare and vote.
  • You might be an a$$hole if you’ve ever said “If you support it so much, why don’t you join up?”
  • You might be an a$$hole if you have more than one bumper sticker on your car.

I’m sure there are more so feel free to continue the list in the comments.

Try some lunch at Basil's Blog

A Racist B-Cack Rant

I write to you today in a full state of sobriety, quite regrettably but I do have to go to work tomorrow. I am pretty upset still because of several issues that keep coming up in the media. First of all, I am shocked at how many people are jumping on the race card bandwagon with this whole hurricane Katrina disaster. First of all, let's not forget the premise that all white people are racist. Now, I wonder if Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson would be making such a big deal out of this if most of the people lost/stranded/ displaced were white? This is just the tip of the iceberg for me, I don't watch a whole bunch of TV, but when I do see some I am amazed at the open racism perpetrated against white people. (Ok, now is where everyone gets to call me a white supremacist and all that crap, whatever). So, have you ever noticed that anytime a certain credit card company shows "Bob" on vacation but it is really someone else who stole his card, or the old guy in a chair and it is the voice over of someone who sounds like a redneck, trailer dwelling she devil? My point is, all of the so called "thieves" were portrayed at white people, now I realize that crimes are committed everyday by every race, religion and sex on the planet... BUT what if it showed me struggling to pay my way through college while someone who doesn't speak English buys 17 cell phones with my credit card? Is that racist? Showing Mexican ladies (3 of them) paying their bills and buying almost 4,000 dollars worth of shit! Hmmm well it happened... WTF OVER?

Ok Part two, I recently heard an ad on the radio where an obviously white woman is renting a place and an obvious black guy is looking to rent it, long story short the lady says in her inner monologue "I don't want to rent it to him, he's black, it is so simple just say it is taken". Now, I have been a white guy (a.k.a. the devil) for all my life, and I don't think I have ever heard (not to say that it hasn't happened) anyone talk or act like that in my life. Now if you were to discuss how growing up as a white guy in an very Hispanic culture has its downfalls, I would be willing to bet the said white person has heard the terms "gringo", "maricon" (which does not mean American) " cavrone" and others..... My point being is that it is all too easy for anyone "non-white" to scream racism, when by the very act, they assume all white people are racist is the most racist act of all. Of course it is pick on whitey time in this nation. Don't believe me? Just look at the terms; In reference to one with dark skin we say "African-American" not black anymore. YET it is totally acceptable to call me white? I demand to be called Italian American. Speaking of backgrounds.... Although true some time ago, I would venture to say that if most of these "African-Americans" who claim to have arrived from slavery, if possible to prove their relatives were slaves, would have been in this country longer than mine, and therefore would be more American than I? CAN I PLEASE be called an Italian-American now? Can I claim civil unjust when I am called White? Look again into the media for example.(you may have to click on the pic to see it up close, but my point here is that it is some rather ethnically based artwork that is now considered "cute" by some people.) I would wager to say that if it were characteratures of Chinese people eating with chopsticks or Mexicans with low riders it wouldn't be so funny now would it? But some fat greasy dago whipping a pizza around is fun for the whole family??? Whatever, you all probably think I am some skinhead, Nazi, white supremacist... I am not... well almost skin headed but that is due to male pattern baldness...I have to go stomp some grapes and spin a pizza... B-Cack OUT
Read this article translated to Pirate talk Arg.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

The Ruling Is Back…

…and the lone man jury has found me to be a Racist! I made a satire piece about people abusing the charity of the Red Cross and get called a racist. Go figure. I guess I had it coming. I’ll give you other examples with guest commenting from a Left Wing Nut Job.

Vhai Soua Vang, was found guilty of murdering 4 hunters and wounding 2 others. Sentencing will be held next week.

Left Wing Nut Job, "Racist! Why did you have to point out that he was an immigrant by giving his name? How racist and small-minded of you. Just like a conservative to drag race into this."

I’ll correct this to make it more PC for you. A man was convicted of killing other men. How’s that?

Left Wing Nut Job, "You’re a sexist racist! How dare you make sex an issue in this thing, a woman is capable of doing those things. They are not the weaker sex. You chauvinist!"

One last time. A person killed some people.

Left Wing Nut Job, "That’s better."

I’m asking any of my readers to let me know if they have heard any information that is now being released about Lech Walesa. He was given a Noble Peace Prize for helping bringing Capitalism to Poland but now information is being released that the Communist Party of Poland was paying him off. If you have any information on this, email it to me. My wife and me are interested in it.

Left Wing Nut Job, "Racist! Are you telling me that Polish people are dumb? Is that what you are trying to insinuate? What a racist you are. Like Americans know everything and a Polish person would never be able to let you know the facts, how fascist of you."

I’ll rephrase to keep people from being offended. My wife and I are interested in some news about that thing over there.

The Natalie Holloway case is now pretty much over. Joran Van Der Sloot, has left Aruba and is now in Holland to attend college. Deepak and Satish Kalpoe, also released, will remain in Aruba. I think that this one is pretty much over.

Left Wing Nut Job, "Racist! You bigot, race baiting, evil conservative. You are implying that because the Kalpoe brothers are not white that they don’t have enough money to leave the island. I’m never going to visit your site again. All you conservatives are the same, a bunch of racists with no sense of humor."

I was just trying to say….

Left Wing Nut Job, "Racist! Stop spewing your hate. It’s people like you that make terrorists attack us."

But, I…

Left wing Nut Job, "Racist! Racist! Fascist! Nazi!"

I guess I can stop here then. Thanks for stopping by Karlo.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Pull Our Troops Out of New Orleans

I couldn’t believe my luck. All the jokes were made at the beginning of this thing and they now have come true. Leftist MoonBat Mom Sheehan has opened up her mouth again, proving to me that sanity has left her grip for ever. Let’s take a look at some of the quotes and then laugh to ourselves at how close me and A4G were. (read comments)

"George Bush needs to stop talking, admit the mistakes of his all around failed administration, pull our troops out of occupied New Orleans and Iraq, and excuse his self from power," -Cindy Sheehan

Now, could I have made up anything funnier than that? Comedy can’t write itself like that.. This Lady is a God Send for comedic relief. As they say in the South. Bless your heart Lady.

Read the whole story.
Read Momma MoonBat's whole rant.

The Aftermath Shopping

Now that the water has began to subside and rebuilding efforts have started, it’s time for the poor people of New Orleans to start with the long and hard process of re-accumulating the wealth and items that they lost during the hurricane. Luckily with the help of the Red Cross this is happening. Thos who did not get to loot, or were too late to steal anything of value, have another chance to go and get the things that will help them survive the next few months on someone else’s dime.

The Red Cross has issued debit cards, with up to $2000 on them, to help the people, that lost everything that the taxpayers provided for them, regain their precious items of stature. Stores as far away as Atlanta have bee seeing these cards used to buy the things that will really help them make it through these troubling times. Customer service clerks at Lenox Square Mall, in the affluent part of Atlanta, have seen these cards help put people’s life on the right track. Louis Vuitton hand bags seem to be the most popular item to purchase with the Red Cross debit cards. At $800 a pop, buyer’s remorse might be a problem in the future, but right now those bags are helping people get past the catastrophe of the hurricane.

Do not be worried though, none of the money on these cards will be used to buy things that won’t help the underprivileged get back on their feet. The cards have a limit of what you can buy. The survivors will not be able to purchase alcohol, tobacco products, or fire arms with them. They will have to come out of their own pocket for these items, or rely on the stockpile that was accumulated during the looting. God bless a country were people who haven’t worked a day in the last year can go and buy an $800 purse.

The real story here.
Some more about the story here.
Some breakfast at Basil's
(In the interest of being as non-racist as possible, I have removed any inadvertant refference to race, all burning crosses, and swastikas. I also hid the racial make up of looters. The yellow is not a reference to Asians.)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

A Present for Harvey

Harvey wanted Boobies for his birthday so I give him two varieties. The front and the back boobies are both shown for his birthday present. Happy birthday Harvey and eeeew. Sorry about being late Harvey.

HT to Cove Rebel.

Yay Mediocrity

You know I’m almost happy that my readership stays at its low number. I’ve been perusing other blogs and finding that there are a lot of wackos out there commenting on things and just speaking out of their a$$. I don’t know if I would ever trade traffic for headache. Now I’m not afraid of people with different opinions, but what I find is that arguing with most lefties is like Simon Cowell trying to tell some of the weirdoes on American Idol that they have no talent. Nobody ever listens. Their beliefs are what is being challenged to them, not their ideas.

I’ve realized long ago that beliefs are too strong to be fought with logic. Beliefs are meant to defy logic; it’s called faith. What I don’t understand is that these people that firmly believe the crazy conspiracies and have faith in things like socialism, communism, and tolerance, find it stupid to have faith in God. Of all the things they believe in that have been disproved over and over, they feel that God, which will never be disproved, is an idiotic thing to believe in.

I think that the whole Pledge of Allegiance thing might have set this off for me. The people of infinite tolerance can’t seem to get over that God is a nondescript word that only has meaning for people that know who it is. I believe that Bob Dylan said, “Everybody serves somebody.” I think within that context all denominations and even people of no faith in a higher being can agree upon. So who is God for an atheist? Chance, evolution, themselves, money, whatever it is that makes them do, or want to do good is their god. I’ve recited the Pledge enough times to know that I’ve never said "One nation under the Judea/Christian God." So what is it hurting really? What God or religion is the Pledge of Allegiance pointing to? Most people would say that because the founding fathers were Christian than it’s obviously pointing toward a Judea/Christian God. I say to them, then why isn’t the word Christ all over the constitution and other historical documents that helped shape this country? Anyway, I doubt this post was worth reading but just some things I thought about when I heard the decision about the Pledge of Allegiance. I’m just glad I don’t get a lot of crazy lefty, communist, conspiracy theory comments.

Some Funny in the Morning

Cove Rebel sent me a joke, and I thought I would share it with you.

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. .He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery?

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

Next everyone should go take a look at Insolublog's post about a party he attended. I just love circular logic.

Finally, another song from Stephen Lynch. The song will probably only be up for a day or two before it stops working. Putfile seems to lose my stuff after a few days so enjoy it while it lasts. If you are using firefox than it's probably already been playing, that browser auto starts media files regardless of what the code says.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I Could Have Been Rich, I Tell ‘Ya (A Phat History Lesson)

Pop has been after me for a long time to write a story about how I passed up the opportunity to be rich. Here it is.

When I was 17 my grandfather had offered to tell me how to retire by the time I was 30. Now being 17 and not wanting to listen to anyone, I turned down the free advice. Before everyone tells me how stupid I am, I need to tell you about the nuances that set my grandfather apart from the rest of the world. To say that he pinches pennies is an understatement. I think he’s pinched so hard he’s made Lincoln cry a few times. The best way I can communicate to you how bad it has gotten is to give you true stories of his miserly ways. (Most of these things still go on today. I’m so lucky to still have grandparents at my age.)

My grandfather will open the windows on the west side of the house in the morning, close the windows at 11:00, and as soon as the sun gets over the top of the house, he’ll open the windows on the east side of the house.

His thermostat is set at 78. He sets a thermometer on the front porch (the side that faces the east) in the evening, so that he’ll know when the outside temperature reaches 78 degrees. As soon as the thermometer hits 78, he’ll go and turn off the air conditioner. He does the same thing in the morning (with the thermometer on the back porch on the west side of the house) to know when to turn on the air conditioner.

He has run out of gas before. Not because his gas gauge was broken, but because he had a price in his mind as to what he would pay for gas and would not stop until he saw the price advertised at the gas station.

He once spent two hours deciding on what type of mechanical pencil he was going to buy. He looked at the price of the mechanical pencils, the amount of lead that came with it, and the price of the refills. After two hours of comparing the two types of mechanical pencils they had at the store, he ended up buying a box of wooden pencils, which he uses until they are physically impossible to grasp.

There are 3 types of pens at my grandparent’s house: pens that still write, pens that only write some times, and pens that can only make a ¼ inch line before they stop working. The later two pens are used to help keep score for card games. To make sure he gets the optimum use out of pens he will write so small he can’t read his own writing.

He has over 3000 golf tees, and yet still searches the tee box for broken ones that are long enough to use. He also has about the same amount of golf balls he has segregated into golf balls used for water holes, golf balls that might get lost out of bounds, and good golf balls used for open fairways and greens.

In the car, when it is hot, he will turn on the air conditioning full blast for a few second and as soon as the air coming out of the vents is cool, he’ll turn it to vent till it starts to get hot, all while driving 5 miles under the speed limit.

Last month’s utility bill was $135, his next goal is to have a bill that is $110. 6 people live in his house. God help them all.

These are only a few of the things that he has done to stretch his money. I guess in the end it’s working well. Between his new home in Madison, his time share in Boone, and his condo in Isle of Palms he seems to live a good life. Plus I will never have a day when I can’t blog about something he’s done.

Negligent Homicide

Governor Blanco and Mayor Nagen have been charged with negligent homicide. More than 600 people have died because they were not evacuated out of Southern Louisiana.

"The pathetic thing in this case was that they were asked if they wanted to move them and they did not," said Louisiana Attorney General Charles Foti. "They were warned repeatedly that this storm was coming. In effect, their inaction resulted in the deaths of these people."
The attorney for Blanco and Nagen said they were innocent. He said “They waited for the evacuation order from the President, but it never came.” When asked if it was the Governor and Mayor responsibility to give the evacuation order he said, “What!? Are you out of you mind? They’re just a Governor and Mayor.”

Both were released on $50,000 bail and will continue to show up for photo ops and bad mouth the President. Governor Blanco has lashed out saying, “The federal Government is taking too long to recover the dead. When I failed to give the evacuation order in time, I figured that the Federal Government would at least work fast to clean up my mess.”

After writing this I realized that I might have got the story confused, but like most news; it’s close enough.

Take a look at Basil's Breakfast menu.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

How To Be Democrat Leader

I thought that some of my readers would like to go into politics sooner or later. Seeing that my swag sales have been less than stellar, I’m assuming most of my readers feel that things should be given away. This is definitely a Democrat quality. Well, I’m here to help you with a few pointers on how to be an elected Democrat official. So, here are some tips in bullet form. (Yay bullets)

  • Read the Communist Manifesto twice.
  • Remember that there are only two types of people the “haves” and the “have nots”. Never admit to being one of the “haves”.
  • People are not wealthy because of hard work. They made their money by exploiting the poor, or winning the lottery of life. Remember you made your money by helping the poor.
  • A good rule of thumb is that people are not able to take care of themselves and need the government to help them with all their decisions.
  • If anyone disagrees with you, call them a Nazi. If they then say that calling them a Nazi was out of line, tell them to stop repressing your freedom of speech. If they then say anything to dispute that, call them a Nazi again. (Interchange extremist, fundamentalist, or religious zealot for Nazi at anytime)
  • The environment is an important issue to you. It means lots of money from tree huggers. Never call environmentalists tree huggers; call them conservationists.
  • Practice saying, “It was all George Bush’s fault.” and “None of this was my fault” in the mirror with a straight face.
  • Minorities are your bread and butter. Make sure that you do everything you can to keep as many as possible on welfare so that they have to vote for you to make sure the money doesn’t stop coming to them. Never hire a minority and call the minorities that Republicans hire, puppets.
  • If you are not a minority, make sure that you let everyone know that your best friends are minorities (but never hire them). If you are a minority, make sure that everyone knows that Republicans are a bunch of racists.
  • It is not what you do as much as how you spin what was done to make you look good. If something good happens, you are always a part of it. If something bad happens, it’s George Bush’s fault.
  • The Constitution is meant to be bent to support anything that keeps you in office. Call it a “living document”. People who think that the Constitution should be followed strictly are Nazis.
  • Lastly, go here and sell your soul to make a pact with the devil to become elected.

As always trackbacked to Basil's Blog for the chance of traffic.

And the Winner Is…

It’s time to announce the winner of the Pimp My Swag contest. It was tough to decide to tell the truth and I had to enlist some extra help. Two other judges helped to decide the winner for the contest. One judge was Pop and the other was CUG. They told me their top three entries and I averaged them out. It has been decided that Steve the Pirate is the winner. Yay Steve. I will contact Steve and get him his prize, hopefully he will take a picture of himself with his swag so that there will be photographic proof of a prize being given out and encourage more people to participate in the next contest. Anyway, congratulations Steve.

Monday, September 12, 2005

The Democrat 9/11

I heard somebody on the radio say that Hurricane Katrina could be the Democrat 9/11. I then started thinking that the person who said this might be right. I decided to go ahead and put myself into the Democrat frame of mind (I robbed a rich person, kept %60 and redistributed the rest amongst poor people on the condition that they wouldn’t save any of it.) and tried to figure the best way to spin it into a 9/11.

I first thought Democrats blame Bush for not seeing the signs of 9/11 and preventing it. I can see a direct comparison with Mayor Nagen of New Orleans and Governor Blanco of Louisiana. Why couldn’t they just connect the dots and keep the citizens safe from such a horrible disaster? There was plenty of intelligence showing that the attack was inevitable. I think there was even a time frame, for the ruthless attack. Maybe if the National Weather Service didn’t have to go through all the red tape to speak to the Mayor or Governor things would have been better. I suggest they have a dedicated radio station that alerts you in case of disastrous weather. The mayor and Governor could have a radio in their office just in case bad weather is coming.

Next thing Democrats would have to do is keep an accurate body count to blame on the Governor and Mayor. It wouldn’t do anybody justice to not remind them that their incompetence caused the death of people. Dems will have to set milestones like 1000 people so that way the news can keep score. When that milestone is reached make sure everyone says “More than 1000 people died because of the decisions made by Nagen and Blanco…” It has to be worked into every speech.

Of course we’ll need to set up a memorial for the dead, but instead of showing the heroics of the people that came to save the stranded, it will have to be the politically correct. It will depict police officers of all races throwing dice at Las Vegas, people of all nationalities looting from stores, and buses of all colors flooded in a parking lot.

I think this is a good start for the Dems making Katrina into a 9/11. Good luck to them. I’ll support them on anything that will get more (anybody but Democrat) people elected.

It's a covered dish at Basil's Blog.

In the News

I see no need to worry about terrorists ever using a plane to attack our country again. This story is the evidence I use to prove this theory. Of course, this may not hold true for a French plane.

The Anarchists party (is it an oxymoron when anarchist organize?) in Germany is running a commercial that is offending the Germans. Naked women, drunken behavior, and rampant groping are portrayed in the T.V. spot. Germans have said that the groping and nakedness is o.k. they just have to take the part with the people shooting up with the needles out. In other news, Germans still have the needle exchange program for their Heroine addicts.

ACLU is sure to take up this man’s cause. It turns out that this blind man can’t seem to get car insurance. Go get 'em ACLU, this is right up your alley of defending the asinine.

New Mexico has neglected to teach their high school students the nuances of home economics, when it comes to topless dancers.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

The Entries for Pimp My Swag

O.k. here are the entries in the Pimp My Swag contest. Me and two other judges (who will remain nameless until the winner is decided) will take a look and see who has the best pimp power. The are listed in no particular order.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Pimp My Swag Contest, Revisited

O.k. I’m closing the entries for the Pimp My swag Contest. They will be judged this weekend and the winner will be selected and posted on Tuesday Sept. 13. The winner will be contacted via email and the prize will be sent out. Overall it was a decent response. Good luck to all that entered.

Red-Neck Racism

It seems that racism is running rampant in the cities that the Louisiana citizens have fled to, but not the type that is being portrayed on the news. It’s not a black and white thing. It turns out that people are refusing to help the bayou red-necks. Surprising enough, even Houston, with their country accents, refuse to help the true red-neck.

I spoke with a Houston native and he said, “Man, I tell you man, once you let a dang ‘ol red-neck on the block, man, it’s all down hill from there man. You got cars in the yard, and dang ‘ol mullets walking by schools, man. Can’t let it happen over here, man.”

But the citizens of Houston have taken a step to help get rid of red-necks as seen in this picture. Only time will tell if this will deter the muscle car driving, crystal meth heads from coming to their city.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Points of Interest…Really

I know everyone has been giving to charity lately because of the disaster in NOLA, but I need to direct you attention to a reader that is doing something so admirable that it puts me to shame. McSwain’s better half is going to be running a marathon to help raise money for Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy, and I want her to make the goal that they have set. I give, then you give. It’s that simple. I’m not able to give a lot, but I think that my eleven readers might be able to help get them closer to their goal. Read this article and then go here to give.

Next point of interest is this article at another friends site. It might be the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks. Stop by and read it, it’s worth the tears that will stream down your face from laughing so hard.

Alright back to work for me.

Put it on Basil's Blog to help McSwain raise more money

Ya’ll Ret Fer Sum Lernin?

So, ya’ll want some learnin’ about the South, I’ll oblige this one time. Start thinking about the next topic and leave some ideas in the comments.

First question.

Insolublog asks: “Being the First of those Yankee readers, I would like DPT to explain what the hell Chitlins and Po’Boys are.”

DPT: “Actually it’s chitterlings, and they are pig intestines. I’ve personally never had them but have ate something close when I was in Europe. In Poland they have Flaki which is cow tripe soup. I have to say the stuff was great and probably wouldn’t mind trying chitterlings (Warning: when eating anything that waste moves through, you must trust the person that is cooking them enough to know that if they don’t wash them thoroughly then you’re going to be eating poo). Po’ Boys on the other hand is a Cajun thing, I’m pretty sure. I think you Yankees call them heroes, hoagies, or grinders. Ya’ll sure do talk funny up there.”

Wyatt Earp asks: “When will Boss Hogg finally get those blasted Duke boys?”

DPT: “Ah, a question near and dear to my heart. One because I grew up watching that show and two I’m actually related to one of North Carolina’s most famous bootleggers. To answer your question though, never. The Duke boys are the spirit of the Southern man, stock car racing and drinking something that might make you go blind. Of course now days moonshine has been replaced by something not as glamorous, red neck cocaine; also called crystal meth.”

Fitch asks: “With all due respect, why are Alabamians always marrying their cousins? This erudite, sophisticated, highly educated, intelligent, witty Yankee needs to know these things.”

DPT: “I think the highly educated Yankee has Alabama mixed up with Mississippi. We make space launch vehicles here, not 6 fingered kids. Not to answer a question with a question and with all due respect; Why do Yankees elect people like Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton?”

Gunnnutt asks: “Since Alabama is alphabetically First, shouldn’t you by default be able to claim that position in any comment?”

DPT: “Being from Alabama and having the name Anthony should make me first in just about everything, but being a true Southern Gentleman, I always concede my firstness to those with less patience. Namely Yankees.”

CUG asks: “Why am I depressed since the Hurricane, with feelings I can only feel better by beating the living (expletive deleted) out of every liberal I see on TV and in real life? (I have refrained from this, so far).”

DPT: “What you are feeling is a Southern Man’s response to true moronic statements. I would suggest to go with that feeling. Just make sure, when liberal vomit leaves someone’s mouth, you say ‘Them’s are fightin’ words!’ and open up a case of whoop a$$.”

Kateykakes asks: “When you ask someone from the South for directions, the standard answer is, ‘It’s just over yonder’. Why is yonder always 50 miles down the road?

DPT: “The nuances of Alabama measurement would take too long to explain in one post. Just realize that people that use the word yonder probably don’t have a neighbor that lives within 50 miles.”

Steve the Pirate asks: “What’s the best tool for a Southerner to kill a damn Yankee treehugger with: a 12-gauge pump or a 1991 Chevrolet 4wd with a six-inch left kit? Possibly both?”

DPT: “Normally, the two are usually in the same place. Here is my solution. First chase said treehugger down with Chevrolet, making sure to pelt them with the beer cans and bottles that have been accumulating in the bed of the truck. When treehugger stops, because of minor injuries inflicted by bottles and cans, remove 12-gauge from gun rack (should be right above the umbrella or cattle prod) and load up the shells that you placed rock salt in. Squeeze trigger until satisfied.”

B-Cack asks: “Why does God hate black people? He did let the hurricane hit New Orleans after all! (Well it is actually a toss up between Him, George W. and Wal-Mart. Think of all the money they will make in the rebuild!)”

DPT: First, let me help you distinguish from two separate groups of black folks in the South. There is the country black folks, who are industrious and well mannered. They still open doors for women, stay married to the same woman and don’t have any off children. Then there are city black folks, which (not all of them) live off government cheese, vote Democrat, and drive Capri Classics with 24” rims. I think God hates the $6000 rims on $400 cars and not so much the people.”

Peakah asks: “Why do certain foods look the same on the way out as on the way in? Why is there this appealing chocolate looking coating on said foods when I drink way too much Guinness?”

DPT: “I will do my best to tie this into the Southern theme. We southerners don’t usually analyze our poo (mostly because the outhouse doesn’t have a light and it’s a long way down to where the poo sits). Also, you won’t catch a Southerner drinking one of those high falutin foo foo beers. It’s domestic all the way and only women drink lite beer."

Pop asks: "Will this war of Northern Agression ever end? It seems like its been going on for years."
DPT: "It's petty jealousy. We Southerners have all the good coastline. Those Yankees only have cold ocean."

Thanks for stopping by, ya’ll. Come back anytime but make sure you leave those Yankee words in the car when you come in. I’ll even take the plastic off the couch for you.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I Completely Forgot to Ask Dr. Phat Tony

I’m sorry everyone I completely forgot to spread my wisdom around yesterday and neglected to make a post where you can ask the questions that only I can answer. So, here it is. This week’s theme is Alabama. I’m sure that you have a question about the south, seeing the most my readership is a bunch of Yankees. Despite not having much of an accent, I have lived in the south most of my life. This makes me an expert on all things southern except chewing tobacco. Let the inquisition begin. I’ll post the answers tomorrow.

Dr. Phat Tony's Seal of Approval

There are not many products that can obtain the Dr. Phat Tony's Seal of Approval, but I have found one that I’m willing to promote. I have a problem shooting and looking cool at the same time. When holding my handgun gangsta’ style, I often have problems with accuracy. This has been a hindrance when peeling caps during a drive by. Instead of letting people know that I’m an up tight white guy, I’ve neglected accuracy in favor looking cool. Now with the new Birdman Weapons System side sight, this will no longer be a problem for me. Instead of peeling caps and hitting lots of innocent people and completely missing the intended target, I can aim and look cool at the same time. Now you also can peel caps in a punk’s a$$ and look like a true O’ G. This product is deserving of the Dr. Phat Tony’s seal of Approval, word.

One day Basil will link me in an article without me tracking back.