Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The Answers to Raising a Child

I have tried my best not to use “shock collar” in too many of my answers. Just remember, a child might forget the present you bought it for being good one day (positive reinforcement), but it will never forget the beating it got for being bad that one day (negative reinforcement).

Steve the Pirate asks, “I am twenty years old and (quite happily) unmarried. However, I would like to ask what age you think I should have my first lil' pirate?”

DPT: I would suggest that every time you think you want to have a child, rent one from Pop for a weekend. If by the end of the weekend you still think it’s a good idea to have a child; don’t pull out.

Steve (non-pirate) asks, “When raising children How far down do you plant the seed? and how often should you water them?”

DPT: After that horrible joke you set me up like this Steve? How far in the gutter do you want me stoop? I’ll just say, some can plant their seed deeper than others, but that question has more to do with making a child than raising one. Now the water issue is quite simple. Leave a bowl of water out. When it’s empty, fill it again. Another way is to just leave the toilet seat up.

Jo asks, “I don't have children, on purpose, can you help with dogs?”

DPT: Dogs actually respond to positive reinforcement, unlike children, that’s probably the way you should go to train them.

Pop asks, “How do you get your children to care for their own children?”

DPT: Well, I would look carefully at what you did, then not do that.

A4G asks, “How can I convince my kids that Daddy's "blogging time" is more important than their stupid bedtime stories?”

DPT: The best solution would be to introduce them to the foot of justice.

A4G asks, “How can I ensure that my kids won't turn into dirty filthy hippies when it offers so much free, unprotected sex?”

DPT: I think the best way is to show the slides I was shown during basic training by the Health Department there in Columbus Georgia. Most people realize quickly that herpes, genital warts and syphilis is not the way to go after seeing the slides of the local infected. Then show them these pictures of Hippies and say "That's what you'll become, if you don't change your ways."

A4G asks, “When is it appropriate for me to start haranguing my kids the way Pop harangues you?”

DPT: Easy test to tell when it’s time to start haranguing your brood. Are you old? Are you feeble? Are you nearly blind? Do you constantly search for boobies on the internet? If you answered yes to all of these questions; the time has come.

A4G asks, “If I have the impulse to protest the Iraq War like Cindy Sheehan, do I have to wait until my kid dies in combat? Or can I do it while he's still deployed?”

DPT: Definitely try to do it while the child is deployed. The a$$ wupping you would receive when he got back would be well worth watching.

David asks, “How do you explain to your child that the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle may well be equal to the sum of the squares of the two adjacent sides, but he still doesn't get the keys to the car to go to a rap "concert"? Sub-question: can you disown your child for thinking that rap is music?”

DPT: I suggest sending him to the MC Pothagoream concert, or making him watch school house rock until he cries or knows all the words. To answer the second question, I would say that disowning my be a stretch. Have I told you about the shock collar treatment though?

David asks, “Should you holler "Slut! Slut!" in public when your daughter dresses like a 2-bit whore?”

DPT: Absolutely not! By the way Steve the Pirate wants your daughter’s phone number.

Stretch asks, “At what point is it no longer appropriate to breast feed children?”

DPT: Tough one. I would say that I just hope the male kids graduate past their mother’s breast sooner than later. If that happens then let the little guy have his way. As for the little girls, if their love of breast feeding doesn’t subside by 3 years old, they might have a promising career in Women’s studies, or adult films.

Insolublog asks, "If I ever have kids, when is the best time to phase them out of 'The Foot of Justice' and allow them to explore A$$es, Tit$ and Firearms?"

DPT: It really depends on the sex of the child. The first time you catch your son staring at a woman's a$$ or tit$, it's time to have the discussion. If you catch you daughter staring at a woman's a$$ or tit$, make sure she isn't comparing them to hers. If she's just doing a comparison you're safe. If it's something more gay, apply the shock collar. As far as firearms go, as soon as a child knows that hippies, commies and terrorists are valid targets, head to the range.

A late question from Missy, "I'm a single parent of two and I'm constantly being nudged (pushed) into dating by family and friends. Somehow they find it unbelievable that I can be happy alone. I haven't dated in quite awhile because I put my focus on the kids and myself. While raising children alone, is it better to remain single or date, which opens up the possibility of them getting attached easily and getting hurt? Besides... I'm in Massachusetts. It's really hard to find a good Conservative guy up here."

DPT: Oh no, a real question that there might not be a funny angle. hmmm...First I guess I should tell you that you shouldn't date your children no matter how hard up you get for a date. This is a valid option if you lived in Mississippi, but you live in Mass. If they are really young (under 2 years of age) dating can still be an option. If they are older than 15 (and responsible enough to be at home and not get in trouble) dating can be an option. Unfortunately between those ages kids really need a mommy. It's unfortunate 'cause it takes a conservative woman off the dating market. The good news is that you'll be providing future conservatives a date.

Well that should get everyone headed in the right direction for raising children. Good luck with it.
Put it on Basil's Blog.


At 1:14 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Sorry about the inuendos. It just seemed too easy to slide them in there.

At 1:47 PM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

The playing field was wide open Doc.
No one holds that against you.

Great answers.
I would comment more, but am heading to the range...

At 1:48 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Move over Dr. Spock, Here comes Dr. Phat Tony!

At 2:13 PM, Blogger a4g said...

All hail the Doctor! You're welcome to take my kids off my hands any time.

Excellent tonic in the letdown since International Talk Like a Pirate Day ended.

At 2:25 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

And look at all those links you got. Are you a primate yet?

At 2:28 PM, Anonymous Dwight B said...

I left some comments in the other comment section, i hope you will be so kind to read them, so i do not have to repost here.

At 3:44 PM, Anonymous Steve said...


Hey, you didn't answer my second question!! Or is Pop going to do that one for you? ha ha!

At 8:36 PM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

Those are MY bombs for boobs!!


Those are NOT mine.



At 7:05 AM, Anonymous Steve the Pirate said...

By the way Steve the Pirate wants your daughter’s phone number.

Hey, I'm not into jailbait, dude. Well, not ALL of the time.

At 8:19 AM, Anonymous Missy said...

Thank you, Dr. You did manage an amusing reply, even though it was from a not-so-funny question. :) I completely agree with you.

Thanks to my buddy, Stretch, for pointing me towards your blog. I'll be stopping by...

At 2:22 PM, Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Funny and silly.
Those "Breasts Not Bombs" ladies were not fine examples of the female form. Nor were the men fine examples of anything.
Are there no good looking ultra-liberals? If there were, they'd still be morons for doing that stupid protest.


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