Thursday, September 22, 2005

Other Colorful Things to Say to Reporters

Everyone has been quite happy with the way Lt Gen. Honore handled the reporters by saying they were “stuck on stupid”. I thought it was quite appropriate the way he treated them like new privates in the army, that hadn’t been around long enough to know anything. Never missing the chance to use bullets, I decided on a few more colorful Army phrases he can use in his next press briefing.

  • Get your head out of your 4th point of contact.
  • You’re all f**ked up like polio.
  • Your ate up like a soup sandwich.
  • Do push-ups until you can think of something intelligent to say. You will either be a smart reporter or a strong reporter.
  • You are the poster child for birth control. In ancient Greece you would have been left on a hill to die as a baby.
  • What is your major malfunction? Do they let retards be reporters?
  • Kill yourself for being stupid. We need to stop you from breeding before you spread your idiocy.
  • What part of this do you not understand? Am I going to need to draw on construction paper with crayon for you to comprehend?
  • Your speaking privileges have been revoked from here on out.

I’m sure there are a lot more. If you have any ideas leave them in the comments.


At 10:52 AM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

I would love to see someone say, "STFU" in full words to a reporter one time!
I know I do at home to them!

At 10:54 AM, Blogger fmragtops said...

A friend of mine that is a Major in the Louisiana National Gaurd always had really cool stuf to say to people when I was training him in law enforcement. My favorite would go like this:

Reporter: Insert stupid question about whiney BS here.

Dave: That is so not registering on my Give a F*** meter.

At 11:26 AM, Blogger Cove Rebel said...

Since I "had to go to college" to become a gentleman (HA!) I must disagree with his handling of the situation. IMO he lost his professional bearing and ended up making a mockery of the way the military leads.

I'm not saying the idiot didn't deserve it or that I didn't enjoy the reporter getting blasted, but it was unprofessional.

At 11:39 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Maybe he was an ocs oficer. It sounded like he was once an NCO.

At 12:28 PM, Anonymous Steve the Pirate said...

1. Get back in your cage.

2. What part of "you're an asshat" don't you understand?

3. That question is about as gay as jazzercise.
4. Here's my answer: you're a fag.

5. Blame the International Zionist Conspiracy, LLC. Next.

6. The all time classic: Shut the f*** up. Next.

At 2:54 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

I still like the Rumsfeld hard you-are-an-idiot stare.

At 3:35 PM, Blogger millman said...

That was awesome, He reminds me of GSGT Emory, on your knees gomer pile. Now choke your self, don't touch my you f***, now choke your self. I love that guy. Any military personnel wants to sound off here is a blog for you.
Great site DPT.

At 6:28 PM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

"You ask questions like old people f**k!"

"Did your mother have any children that lived?"

"I like you. You can come over to my house and f**k my sister."

"You'd best un-f**k yourself!"

God, I gotta watch Full Metal Jacket again!

At 6:43 PM, Blogger Mrs. Bluebird said...

BAHAH! Our Assistant Principal (a retired Warrant Officer) uses "fourth point of contact" quite a bit to our middle schoolers. The military dependents (and we have a bunch) get it, but it's a hoot watching the civilian kids try to figure out what in blazes he's talking about.

At 8:42 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Wyatt - you missed my favorite.

"You look like 250lb of chewed bubble gum pyle!"

(Weight may not be accurate)

At 9:31 PM, Blogger Anna said...

"I can't answer that. My give-a-damn's busted."

It's from a country song, but it works for me!

At 10:01 PM, Blogger SeanS said...

We had a AT2 in boot camp that loved to have us assume the 'thinking position'. That was the 'up' part of the pushup and we would hold it until we had properly 'thought it out'. Usually that was 30 minutes. I'd love to see reporters do that before they asked questions.

At 10:06 PM, Anonymous mukrz said...

Come on, don't forget the rightist copouts:

"I will not answer that question as there is a legal matter pending"

"We have reliable intelligence from Tony Blair that there are WMD's in New Orleans"

My personal favorite would be something like this:

Reporter: Isn't it true that...

General: (murmurs something unintelligible into sleeve). While it may appear...

(splatter of blood and brains from what used to be the side of the head of aforementioned reporter)

Oh, I'm sorry, about the mess, ladies and gentlemen, would someone care to rephrase Mr. Reporter's question? No? Next question?

At 5:33 AM, Blogger millman said...

What do you think Mr. Earp would do? I'd like to think after a game of cards and a drink he would just shoot em. Man this guy needs to be at every press conference from this day forward. OOHRAY!!!

At 9:00 AM, Blogger Uber said...

I'm sold on "You’re all f**ked up like polio." lol

That's pretty effed up.

At 11:55 AM, Blogger GunnNutt said...


At 7:27 PM, Blogger Mike H. said...

How 'bout 'Obviously you're confusing me with someone who gives a f**k!'

'I've seen more intelligence emanate from a sea urchin!'

'You need to clean the rust from your brain housing group!'

At 7:45 PM, Blogger Cove Rebel said...

I heard this one on a western:

"Only think he knows about brains is you can buy 'em in a can and cook 'em with your eggs."

(For the uninitiated, cow brains and eggs used to be on menus all over the USA)

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

FMJ soundboard.

At 4:03 PM, Anonymous ETphonehome said...

My fave from my bubblehead days is "You are f**ked up like a football bat."

At 5:24 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

good call...I heard it, You f**ked up like a monkey f**king a football.

At 9:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did your mother have any children that weren't born brain dead?

At 9:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Rangers in web land will recognize "Are you as F**ked up as you what to be?"

To which the reporter will stumble and reply "I dunno?"

At 8:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You'd be more useful if we painted black and yellow stripes on you and stood you in the water out there to tell us how deep it is than to waste my time asking stupid questions like that.


At 5:35 PM, Blogger D.Wilson said...

"Son, the best part of you ran down your Mama's leg!"

At 6:24 PM, Blogger D.Wilson said...

I must have heard a million and one in boot camp, but I'll narrow the list down a bit.

"I can see you're like one of those idiot savants, except without the "savant" part."

"You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk."

"Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs."

"They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters."

"So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey."

"I DO NOT have an attitude problem. YOU have a perception problem."

"I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice."

"A bit of advice so no one will ever know that you've had a lobotomy; wear a wig to hide to the scars,learn to control the slobbering and keep the dumb ass questions to a minimum."

"I've finally figured out why you always have that stupid grin on your face ... You're STUPID!"

"If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic."

"Keep asking questions, someday you might ask something intelligent!"

"I'm busy now. Would you mind if I ignored you some other time?"

"I don't mind that you are talking so long as long as you don't mind that I'm not listening."

"I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!"

"Don't you need a license to be that f**king stupid?"

"Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people."

"Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?"

"I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork."

"I know... reporters have feelings too. But, like, who cares?"

"If I want your opinion, numbnuts, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms."

"If brains were money, you'd need to take out a loan to buy a cup of coffee."

"My greatest happiness, sir, would be seeing your picture on the back of a milk carton."

And last for now... but certainly not least:

"Am I getting smart with you!?!? How would you know???"


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