Thursday, September 08, 2005

Ya’ll Ret Fer Sum Lernin?

So, ya’ll want some learnin’ about the South, I’ll oblige this one time. Start thinking about the next topic and leave some ideas in the comments.

First question.

Insolublog asks: “Being the First of those Yankee readers, I would like DPT to explain what the hell Chitlins and Po’Boys are.”

DPT: “Actually it’s chitterlings, and they are pig intestines. I’ve personally never had them but have ate something close when I was in Europe. In Poland they have Flaki which is cow tripe soup. I have to say the stuff was great and probably wouldn’t mind trying chitterlings (Warning: when eating anything that waste moves through, you must trust the person that is cooking them enough to know that if they don’t wash them thoroughly then you’re going to be eating poo). Po’ Boys on the other hand is a Cajun thing, I’m pretty sure. I think you Yankees call them heroes, hoagies, or grinders. Ya’ll sure do talk funny up there.”

Wyatt Earp asks: “When will Boss Hogg finally get those blasted Duke boys?”

DPT: “Ah, a question near and dear to my heart. One because I grew up watching that show and two I’m actually related to one of North Carolina’s most famous bootleggers. To answer your question though, never. The Duke boys are the spirit of the Southern man, stock car racing and drinking something that might make you go blind. Of course now days moonshine has been replaced by something not as glamorous, red neck cocaine; also called crystal meth.”

Fitch asks: “With all due respect, why are Alabamians always marrying their cousins? This erudite, sophisticated, highly educated, intelligent, witty Yankee needs to know these things.”

DPT: “I think the highly educated Yankee has Alabama mixed up with Mississippi. We make space launch vehicles here, not 6 fingered kids. Not to answer a question with a question and with all due respect; Why do Yankees elect people like Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton?”

Gunnnutt asks: “Since Alabama is alphabetically First, shouldn’t you by default be able to claim that position in any comment?”

DPT: “Being from Alabama and having the name Anthony should make me first in just about everything, but being a true Southern Gentleman, I always concede my firstness to those with less patience. Namely Yankees.”

CUG asks: “Why am I depressed since the Hurricane, with feelings I can only feel better by beating the living (expletive deleted) out of every liberal I see on TV and in real life? (I have refrained from this, so far).”

DPT: “What you are feeling is a Southern Man’s response to true moronic statements. I would suggest to go with that feeling. Just make sure, when liberal vomit leaves someone’s mouth, you say ‘Them’s are fightin’ words!’ and open up a case of whoop a$$.”

Kateykakes asks: “When you ask someone from the South for directions, the standard answer is, ‘It’s just over yonder’. Why is yonder always 50 miles down the road?

DPT: “The nuances of Alabama measurement would take too long to explain in one post. Just realize that people that use the word yonder probably don’t have a neighbor that lives within 50 miles.”

Steve the Pirate asks: “What’s the best tool for a Southerner to kill a damn Yankee treehugger with: a 12-gauge pump or a 1991 Chevrolet 4wd with a six-inch left kit? Possibly both?”

DPT: “Normally, the two are usually in the same place. Here is my solution. First chase said treehugger down with Chevrolet, making sure to pelt them with the beer cans and bottles that have been accumulating in the bed of the truck. When treehugger stops, because of minor injuries inflicted by bottles and cans, remove 12-gauge from gun rack (should be right above the umbrella or cattle prod) and load up the shells that you placed rock salt in. Squeeze trigger until satisfied.”

B-Cack asks: “Why does God hate black people? He did let the hurricane hit New Orleans after all! (Well it is actually a toss up between Him, George W. and Wal-Mart. Think of all the money they will make in the rebuild!)”

DPT: First, let me help you distinguish from two separate groups of black folks in the South. There is the country black folks, who are industrious and well mannered. They still open doors for women, stay married to the same woman and don’t have any off children. Then there are city black folks, which (not all of them) live off government cheese, vote Democrat, and drive Capri Classics with 24” rims. I think God hates the $6000 rims on $400 cars and not so much the people.”

Peakah asks: “Why do certain foods look the same on the way out as on the way in? Why is there this appealing chocolate looking coating on said foods when I drink way too much Guinness?”

DPT: “I will do my best to tie this into the Southern theme. We southerners don’t usually analyze our poo (mostly because the outhouse doesn’t have a light and it’s a long way down to where the poo sits). Also, you won’t catch a Southerner drinking one of those high falutin foo foo beers. It’s domestic all the way and only women drink lite beer."

Pop asks: "Will this war of Northern Agression ever end? It seems like its been going on for years."
DPT: "It's petty jealousy. We Southerners have all the good coastline. Those Yankees only have cold ocean."

Thanks for stopping by, ya’ll. Come back anytime but make sure you leave those Yankee words in the car when you come in. I’ll even take the plastic off the couch for you.


At 7:23 AM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

FIRST! and formost: LOL DOC!!!
you are in true form, sir.

At 8:34 AM, Anonymous The Man!!! said...

Nicely done.

Now get back to work!

At 8:35 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Now this is classic Dr. Phat Tony comedy at its best! BTW, peel that little poo tube off the shrimp before you eat it.

At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Lil B-Cack said...

I know I'm a little late with my question (my apologies) but how come when I was in Alabama everybody thought I was my brother's wife, even though we look almost exactly alike? And, when we told people we were related, they still asked if I was his wife???

At 9:42 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Probably because you two were kissing. Shame on both of you.

At 11:00 AM, Anonymous Steve the Pirate said...

Thanks for the tip, Dr. I'm going to go hunt some treehuggers now.

At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Fitch said...

The good Doctor is Back! To answer your question. I don't know why stupid yankees elect those dopes. I didn't vote for them, and those who did deserve no due respect. Suggestion for next time: Monkey paranoia.

At 11:30 PM, Anonymous B-Cack said...

Yes, my sister is correct, as a matter of fact, we were at the movies and some yokel said " thar's two seets in tha back so yew can snuggle" and I replied "Uh, she's my sister..." and without skipping a beat he says "well, it is the south!"

At 4:53 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Again B-Cack, you shouldn't have the popcorn you and your sister were sharing placed in you lap.


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