Friday, October 07, 2005

Discovery of America


Columbus Day is this Monday, and I thought it was fitting if I gave everyone a brief history about the discovery of America.

Columbus was a lowly enforcer for the mob in Italy in the lat 1400s. In order for him to advance in the mob he had to do something big to impress Don Alfonso. Columbus decided that he could impress the don by finding a quicker way to get to India to collect the protection money by sailing West in the Atlantic. Unfortunately Don Alfonso wouldn’t front the money for the trip and Columbus was forced to get the Spanish Mafia (Vatos Locos) to loan the money for the trip.

Head goomba for the Spanish mob was Ferdinand II, better known on the streets as “El Lobo de Asesino” or “Killer Wolf”. He wasn’t to hype about lending a wise guy the money to help the Italian Mob find a way to increase their bottom line. Thankfully Columbus knew how to sling salami and convinced Ferdinand’s b**ch, Isabella, to convince Ferdinand it was a sound way to make a quick buck.

So off Columbus went in three low riding sea craft, pimped out to the hilt. The names of his three rides were The Nana, The Pinto, and The Pina Colada. Columbus and his crew cruised the ocean lost for a while (Columbus really only knew about his hood back in West Florence) when they finally spotted what we now call America. After landing his ride, Columbus quickly realized that he took the wrong exit on 278 and ended up some place new. He had found Indians with feathers, not dots.

Not wanting to go back and get wacked by Ferdinand, Columbus had to find something worth enough to cover the expense and the interest that was now accumulating daily. Luckily the Indians he did find had some products that would make him some Benjamins in the Barrio. The Indians that he had found had been running their own drug ring for ages, and also had cigarettes with out all those pesky taxes. Besides the drug ring, the Indians were making a killing off their casinos. Columbus hatched a plot that would put him on top and give him enough power to advance in the mob once he got back home. He started smuggling the duty free cigarettes, coke, and some bomb weed back across the ocean and made a killing by hooking the vatos. Columbus also started a protection racket with the casinos taking a large cut of the profits. It was too easy for Columbus. If any Indian got brave enough to stand up to him, Columbus would lock him in a room with a 4 year old with chicken pox. Columbus was promoted to a sub-chieftain in charge of the East Coast of the West part of the Atlantic. Unfortunately, Columbus developed a $500 a day coke habit and ended up losing his position and dying poor. The end.

Here's a link to Basil's Breakfast

18 Comments:

At 5:54 AM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

FIRST!!!

In what will be a long line of hate mail from our greasy wop friends. I kid, I kid!!!

 
At 6:59 AM, Blogger a4g said...

A Phat History Lesson where I actually learned about history!

I'm pretty sure that Colombus also brought back spaghetti from China, and formulated Coulomb's Law.

 
At 8:09 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

DPT - Have you been reminiscing over those public school history books again?

LOL. Now THAT is Phat History.

 
At 8:32 AM, Anonymous Steve said...

That was great Doc. Funny!!
Great start to my morning.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger PoP said...

Your going to have some public school graduate believing this. Alot like the lets see how long we can coast in the car thing you and your sisters fell for.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger fmragtops said...

I want to grow up to be as funny as Dr. Phat Tony. Good stuff, Doc.

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger Telebush said...

Public school taught me something totally different that didn't sound quite right; I'm glad you posted this and straightened it all out for me.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger GunnNutt said...

Hooray for Phat History! High school kids would love you as a teacher.

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger Uber said...

Laugh out loud funny, Doc.

Critique- Fluidly (as in triple c)reads like a public grade school primer.

Methinks you've found your calling! Besides entertaining the masses w/teh funny, that is.

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

I'm looking to see google searches for Columbus or Discovery of America, then I will know some 10 year old is plagarizing me in school.

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger Toni said...

You are one sick mother that's all I can say!! Promoting this un-PC account of the Italian culture. I'm sooooooo offended that you have once again stereotyped Italians as mobsters. I'm absolutely shocked and and and and....oh. Yeow, that was funny.

 
At 6:57 PM, Blogger SeanS said...

You've done Columbus proud. This could be a 'E' True Hollywood Story.

 
At 6:31 AM, Blogger Nightcrawler said...

Ah, history the way it really happened...

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger kateykakes said...

I've submitted your post to the History Channel. They were so impressed! They should be contacting you soon and a new documentary regarding Columbus will be in the works!

Great job, Doc!

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

I'm thinking Robert Deniro as Columbus.

 
At 10:42 PM, Anonymous MEGABRAD said...

Hey DPT,

Do you know any stark raving mad liberals? Wanna see one? Hahaha. Visit Fred,
http://fredbieling.blogspot.com/

I call him "Freddy Bling bling", just to pizz him off.

 
At 9:57 PM, Anonymous Fitch said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Vatos Locos. I love that. Excellent work, Doc. Among your best ever!

 
At 6:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

David Letterman's
Top Ten Things Columbus Would Say About America If He Were Alive Today


10. "I discovered the New World, but who discovered these delicious Cinnabons?"

9. "Hey, my fo'shizzle thing finally caught on"

8. "Flu outbreaks, political chaos, vermin--this place hasn't changed a bit"

7. "It's humbling to realize that because of me Americans are getting 20% off on a mattress"

6. "How did you come to choose the leader you call 'Oprah'?"

5. "It's nice to see Cher is still around"

4. "As a fellow man of sea, I join you in mourning the death of 'Gilligan'"

3. "The finest chefs in Italy can't compare to Olive Garden"

2. "I discovered the continent and the only thing named after me is a city in Ohio?"

1. "Those 'Desperate Housewives' babes are sluttier than Queen Isabella"


Dan Fan -

 

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