Discovery of America
Columbus Day is this Monday, and I thought it was fitting if I gave everyone a brief history about the discovery of America.
Columbus was a lowly enforcer for the mob in Italy in the lat 1400s. In order for him to advance in the mob he had to do something big to impress Don Alfonso. Columbus decided that he could impress the don by finding a quicker way to get to India to collect the protection money by sailing West in the Atlantic. Unfortunately Don Alfonso wouldn’t front the money for the trip and Columbus was forced to get the Spanish Mafia (Vatos Locos) to loan the money for the trip.
Head goomba for the Spanish mob was Ferdinand II, better known on the streets as “El Lobo de Asesino” or “Killer Wolf”. He wasn’t to hype about lending a wise guy the money to help the Italian Mob find a way to increase their bottom line. Thankfully Columbus knew how to sling salami and convinced Ferdinand’s b**ch, Isabella, to convince Ferdinand it was a sound way to make a quick buck.
So off Columbus went in three low riding sea craft, pimped out to the hilt. The names of his three rides were The Nana, The Pinto, and The Pina Colada. Columbus and his crew cruised the ocean lost for a while (Columbus really only knew about his hood back in West Florence) when they finally spotted what we now call America. After landing his ride, Columbus quickly realized that he took the wrong exit on 278 and ended up some place new. He had found Indians with feathers, not dots.
Not wanting to go back and get wacked by Ferdinand, Columbus had to find something worth enough to cover the expense and the interest that was now accumulating daily. Luckily the Indians he did find had some products that would make him some Benjamins in the Barrio. The Indians that he had found had been running their own drug ring for ages, and also had cigarettes with out all those pesky taxes. Besides the drug ring, the Indians were making a killing off their casinos. Columbus hatched a plot that would put him on top and give him enough power to advance in the mob once he got back home. He started smuggling the duty free cigarettes, coke, and some bomb weed back across the ocean and made a killing by hooking the vatos. Columbus also started a protection racket with the casinos taking a large cut of the profits. It was too easy for Columbus. If any Indian got brave enough to stand up to him, Columbus would lock him in a room with a 4 year old with chicken pox. Columbus was promoted to a sub-chieftain in charge of the East Coast of the West part of the Atlantic. Unfortunately, Columbus developed a $500 a day coke habit and ended up losing his position and dying poor. The end.
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