Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Helping the Sexes Find Common Ground

Another wonderful turn out for the pointless Q&A with Phat Tony. This time I’m helping everyone better understand the opposite sex, or making up a whole bunch of useless idiotic answers. Don’t judge me yet, I haven’t even answered a question. Wait till I get started. As with all my answers, if you are dumb enough to follow the advice of a guy that placed a Dr. in front of his nickname one day, then you were destined to fail in the first place. So follow my advice if you want just understand that I’m not responsible for your gullibility.

Fmragtops asks: “Dear Dr. Phat Tony, Is there anyway to make a hippy chick move to the right? How did the Democratic Party get Hillary to do it? “

DPT: First Hillary never moved to the right it’s just a played out move that most politicians do to get a few votes from the other side. Don’t be the one that falls for that trick Fmragtops. As for moving hippy chicks to the right, there are two different ways of going about this. If facing said hippy chick, use a right cross. If hippy chick is facing away from you, go for the left cross. Both of these techniques will create the desired effect of moving her a little to the right.

Gunnnutt asks: “When will men stop believing crap that women are attracted to "sensitive", metrosexual males? “

DPT: This one is easy, next time you see a man about to go all soft and sensitive, or buy socks to mach his man bag, hit him and take his girlfriend.

Steve the Pirate asks: “Why do women seem to run from me every time I talk about pillaging booty?”

DPT: Have you tried asking them to walk your plank? Let me know how this works out for you.

Disco Tease asks: “Is it possible to spoil a husband too much?”

DPT: Absolutely, unequivocally, no! On a side note, give my wife a call would you, and let her know that it's o.k. to start spoiling me.

Conservative UAW Guy asks: “Hypothetically, If one had an alleged dead hippy (or parts of one the dog didn't eat) what would be the best discrete disposal method? Hypothetically, of course... BTW, I really like explosions and fire and stuff, so please consider that in your answer, oh mighty Doctor!”

DPT: FIRST!, I would like to say that it’s quite disgusting that you are having a relationship with parts of a dead hippy (and because I said hetero questions only I can only assume) girl. It must smell horrible. Live hippies smell bad; I’m thinking dead ones smell even worse. I say that if you have to get rid of a hippy body, have some fun. Grind up what is left and make brownies and granola bars out of it. Then pass the products out at the next anti-war rally. They will still get high and you will have the pleasure of knowing that they eat their own.

Fitch asks: “Why do women complain about their weight and then go eat a candy bar immediately afterward? Then they say "why can't I lose weight? I eat healthy meals."

DPT: They eat because they’re unhappy. They’re unhappy because they’re fat…. Or some such BS. Try offering them an exercise program full of pelvic thrusts and squats.

Megabrad asks: “Yo! I got one! DPT, how come I can never beat my wife in a farting contest? I do all the pre-prep (eating beans, jumping up and down) but every time I am outdone by her wallopping "Thunder Carrump!" Do females have some kind of unfair advantage (biological)?”

DPT: Congrats Megabrad, you’ve discovered, the once mythical, female flatulent. I could write a whole history lesson on it. Here is the thing though, that one blast from your wife might have been accumulating for months. It’s unfair to guys who usually don’t care where they are when the let one go.

Steve (not a pirate) asks: “Since women want "equal rights" shouldn't that work in the bathroom too? Put the seat back UP when they are done with it?”

DPT: “Equal rights” usually means lowering the standard for whatever was deemed unequal. I’m not saying that women are weak or stupid, I’m just saying that it dropping the toilet seat before sitting down must be one of those things women won’t show an aptitude for.

Millman asks: “DPT, why don't women want to shave? Just curious.”

DPT: Unless you are dating a hippy or French lady, then I can only assume you are speaking about the famed hairless hoo-ha. Shaving that is a bad way to go for two reasons. One, I’m betting that a woman scratching her crotch is not very attractive. Two, if it itches her, it’s going to itch you when you rub against it. The trick is to make them believe that waxing is painless. Good luck with that.

Stretch asks: “Given the fact that women are evil beings from the planet Kotex put here to torture mens' lives, why doesn't my wife appreciate my sense of humor?”

DPT: Well for starters, stop punching her when you give the punch lines to your jokes. Giving a punch line is not meant to be a cue to wail on some one.

Nightcrawler asks: “Should we trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die?”

DPT: No, but can you admit that killing a women is damn near impossible with there super human power prevents them from dying after 5 days of bleeding?

Anonymous asks: “Phat Tony why do men always worry about size? (i.e. truck size, penis size...) why do football players smack each other ass. but, can’t ask another man for directions? Would men rather a fine ass or a fine face? Why don’t men cry at weddings but, will cry when their football team wins? What’s up with that?”

DPT: Anonymous I’m glad you stopped by to ask a question, it’s nice to see a new face or lack there of. First I’m betting that the man you are referring to is someone you’ve dated or are married to. The problem is not the guy. Please stop calling his hoo hoo dilly cute. Find some other word that is more masculine when referring to a man’s hoo hoo dilly. Along with cute, never call it “just right for me”, nice, adequate, or giggle when seeing it. Football players smack each others asses because crotch grabbing will get you a 15 yard penalty. Fine face or fine ass, hmmm. Tough one. Which end will men be seeing the most of? The only man crying at a wedding should be the man getting married. If you look around you’ll notice that all the other men have a smile of sadistic pleasure. We’re just mean that way. Now the football team losing, is a little bit harder. Do you know what a point spread is or how much money is on the game?

Insolublog asks: “Why is that emergency 2:00AM plumbing repair instantly forgotten, when it's time to service my emergency 2:00AM needs?”

DPT: Strange how pipe cleaning seems to go hand in hand with last call huh Insolublog?

Pop asks: “Why can your mom chat on the dulcimer web page for hours, yet gets angry when I play Ever Quest? “

DPT: Who’s wearing the pants at that house? How can she have time to use the computer, when there is a stove in the house? I’ll tell you how, ‘cause women have a monopoly on something that you just can’t get at the local corner store. Well, at least not where I live.

Wyatt Earp asks: “Being an uber-successful blogger, I worry sometimes that women want me for my fame, and not my less tangible assets. Is there a sure-fire way to tell when a woman is interested in the "real" me?”

DPT: The real you being a self proclaimed, over weight, policeman that likes hockey? Um, gee Wyatt if they still talk to you after knowing this, then it’s a good sign.

Fitch asks: “Why are all the good questions from men and all the crappy questions from women?”

DPT: It’s just manly to be competitive, I guess. Another possibility is that all the women were to busy cooking and cleaning to come and ask thoughtful questions.

Man this one was a long one. You guys might be getting sued for my carpal tunnel.


At 5:10 PM, Anonymous Fitch said...


Excellent work again DPT!
How can she have time to use the computer, when there is a stove in the house? Worthy of an award.

At 5:20 PM, Anonymous Steve said...

That was frikken' hilarious!!! Nicely done, Doc!!

That was pretty cold on Wyatt though, Funny but cold! Wyatt we are laughing with you;}

At 5:29 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Another fine round of DPT Q&A.

I think hand in hand pipe cleaning is the situation I'm trying to avoid.

At 6:26 PM, Blogger Uber said...

Dang it, I missed the precious Q&A.

Now I'll never know why so many men like the idea of two non-dykey women kissing.

Great Q&A though! ;)

At 8:50 PM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

CRAP! I missed question day.

At 9:24 PM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

And what the hell is a dulcimer?

At 10:04 PM, Blogger Nightcrawler said...

You definitely brought teh funny with this one! Nicely done.

And yes, their quick-healing factor rivals that of Wolverine, making them very tough to kill indeed.

At 1:44 AM, Blogger The Anti-Hippie said...

Uber, allow me to attempt to field this one... Without being crude, 2>1. 1 is good, but two is better. In a man's mind, what is better than being "with" one woman? being with two.
plus, its just hot.

At 4:21 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

A dulcimer is a hillbilly guitar for the less coordinated.

At 4:39 AM, Anonymous Fitch said...

Uber, It only works if they're both hot.

At 4:42 AM, Blogger PoP said...

Son, sorry to hear about your carpal tunnel. I suggest you stop playing with your self. It should clear up in a few days.

At 4:46 AM, Blogger PoP said...

I would like to suggest the next set of Q&As be addressed to only the fairer sex. It should make for a short article.

At 6:53 AM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

It's not an eating disorder, it's GLANDULAR!!!

Great stuff, as always Doc!

At 4:19 PM, Blogger Uber said...

Well thanks be to anti- and fitch, that matter is now clear as mud. *g*

At 5:12 PM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Funny, yo!

My relationship question was my relationship with my dog (platonic thought) and not with a dead hippy!

Heh, the brownie answer ruled, BTW!

At 11:17 PM, Blogger Toni said...

I don't understand why males have such a difficult time understanding females. I understand males....give them sex, sex, toys, sex and maybe some food and then sex and all will be good.

At 8:14 AM, Anonymous Stretch said...

Great as always DPT!

Next Q&A should be about the overproliferation of exegetic commentary of the blogosphere. Or more about knockers!

At 12:14 PM, Blogger PoP said...

Boobies, Yes


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