I Refuse to Run Anywhere
I’m not sure what happened yesterday, but it seems that my offer to help the Republicans turned into a discussion about me running for a public office. Truth be told, I made a promise never to run again after I left the Army. This doesn’t mean that I wont try to be elected for some sort of position; it just means that we won’t be calling it “running”. Let’s call it strolling for office, or perhaps moseying for office. I’m not sure what office I’ll be strolling for, but I think I can come out with a clear campaign agenda without actually deciding that detail. Honestly I need to do some research to find a public office that has the least amount of responsibility, but still has enough influence to collect a whole bunch of PAC money. Keep your eye out for one and let me know which one would be best. Constable was a good idea, but I would have to take a peace officer course, and I’m just not one for peace.
Next on the list is to start with cronyism and hand out positions to friends and people that gave me money. Insolublog bought some swag, he will be selected as a special advisor like Karl Rove. Insolublog will be in charge of sending out the talking points to the blogosphere and Fox News everyday. He will also be in charge of conspiracies and evil plots. I think he’s the right man for the job. Insolublog, do you have a black cloak?
I will also need a press secretary. I think A4G, being the incredible news source that he is, fits this position well. I’ve seen the positions he can get into, thanks to the magic of web cams, and this position should be a lot less stressful than that thing you did, that one time, on a dare. Plus, spin is A4G’s specialty (or so I’ve heard).
I’m not sure who my
Pop is going to be the star of most of my commercials. Basically, whoever is strolling against me will be charged with hating old people. Pop will give fake first hand accounts of my opponent’s cruelty to the elderly.
I will also need to set up a campaign headquarters. I’m not doing this at my house (my wife has already said that’s a no go) so anyone that has space available is a possibility. I’m willing to give special privileges after I’m elected, so keep that in mind as you try to make your decision on whether or not you want to volunteer your home. One condition is that there is always beer available; beer and a Play station 2.