Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I Refuse to Run Anywhere


I’m not sure what happened yesterday, but it seems that my offer to help the Republicans turned into a discussion about me running for a public office. Truth be told, I made a promise never to run again after I left the Army. This doesn’t mean that I wont try to be elected for some sort of position; it just means that we won’t be calling it “running”. Let’s call it strolling for office, or perhaps moseying for office. I’m not sure what office I’ll be strolling for, but I think I can come out with a clear campaign agenda without actually deciding that detail. Honestly I need to do some research to find a public office that has the least amount of responsibility, but still has enough influence to collect a whole bunch of PAC money. Keep your eye out for one and let me know which one would be best. Constable was a good idea, but I would have to take a peace officer course, and I’m just not one for peace.

Next on the list is to start with cronyism and hand out positions to friends and people that gave me money. Insolublog bought some swag, he will be selected as a special advisor like Karl Rove. Insolublog will be in charge of sending out the talking points to the blogosphere and Fox News everyday. He will also be in charge of conspiracies and evil plots. I think he’s the right man for the job. Insolublog, do you have a black cloak?

I will also need a press secretary. I think A4G, being the incredible news source that he is, fits this position well. I’ve seen the positions he can get into, thanks to the magic of web cams, and this position should be a lot less stressful than that thing you did, that one time, on a dare. Plus, spin is A4G’s specialty (or so I’ve heard).

I’m not sure who my running mate strolling buddy would be. It would have to be some one with lot’s of vices as it would be hard to be a vice-anything without enjoying smoking, drinking, gambling, porn……Never mind B-Cack will be my running mate strolling buddy. I can’t think of anyone with more vices than him. Sorry Tyler D. I’ll create a position for you so that you can wreak havoc on Huntsville.

Pop is going to be the star of most of my commercials. Basically, whoever is strolling against me will be charged with hating old people. Pop will give fake first hand accounts of my opponent’s cruelty to the elderly.

I will also need to set up a campaign headquarters. I’m not doing this at my house (my wife has already said that’s a no go) so anyone that has space available is a possibility. I’m willing to give special privileges after I’m elected, so keep that in mind as you try to make your decision on whether or not you want to volunteer your home. One condition is that there is always beer available; beer and a Play station 2.

22 Comments:

At 7:44 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

A Brilliant idea, DPT. Let us get to work.

I do have a long black topcoat which makes me look like I stepped out of the X-Files, Bourne Supremacy or the Matrix. I also have a set of Paul Chen Oriole Japanese samurai swords. I think I can dig up some dark wrap-around sunglasses, and one of those nifty white coil wire things evil government functionaries stick in their ears.

Once I am fully equipped we can begin to work out our plan for evil conservative world domination, starting with whatever subtle, unburdened office you desire. If you take the Constable position, keep telling yourself it really means Piece officer, meaning you get to carry the biggest nastiest piece of war hardware you have. Carry around that PLATO launcher periodically, to stay both ripped and equipped. Efficiency is good. Tell the people you must be ready to deal with the terrorist threat at all times. This is a good way to distract everybody, in case you need to spend a ton of government cash to secure political capital.

Consider Wyatt for directory of Homeland security. JimmyB(Army), Pirate Steve(Navy), TylerD(Air Force) and GunnNut(Marines) for the joint Chiefs.

Uber could join a4g in your new Ministry of Truth.

Peakah might make a good secretary of health and human services. Perhaps a six pack of Guinness in every mailbox type campaign.

We can send Katey down to the Today show with some coffee. She will enjoy scratching Katey Couric's eyeballs out, on your behalf of course. A4g can key up some commercial spots during the entertainment.

...

We have so much more to do. I may have to work up a post. Hmmm.

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger Cove Rebel said...

Souldn't "running mate" be "walking partner" instead? :D

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger Peakah said...

I'm down...

Set up HQ here in Vegas, plenty of 'escorts' to woo the money out of the phatkat's pockets into... uhhh, the escorts pockets.

Hey, ya might get some blackmail photos out of the deal.

I'm ready to serve (Guinness) in any capacity needed.

DPT for ALB

 
At 8:39 AM, Anonymous Steve said...

Man if you don't have a blog, you get no love around here. I am in the RV business, I know you would need a sweet ride to campain with in the state. (you wouldn't have to "run" that way either!!!) Maybe a 45' prevost bus conversion with 4 slide outs, 46" LCD flat screen in front and bedroom. Bose sound systems, the works baby!!

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Steve it's a deal. I just have to decide what elected position requires the least amount of effort.

 
At 8:53 AM, Blogger PoP said...

You can use the empty house, but you will have to dispose of the cat first. Your Mom won't let me do it. Just give it a good home and tell your Mom it is doing fine every once in awhile .. wink wink nudge nudge. It would make a great Banjo head. Cat skin makes the best. Banjo makers law # 3 never steal a man's last cat.

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger a4g said...

I'm a little disappointed, in that the "secretary" part of Press Secretary sounds kinda gay, and I suspect there's not nearly as much opportunity for graft and corruption in my position as I would have hoped for, but who am I to argue with my commander-in-chief?

I serve according to the whims of my sworn leader, the first man to return honor to the word "Doctor" since that whole Mengele thing back in the forties.

Oh, and I'm not too keen on a shank to the kidneys if I say no.

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Would you prefer administrative assistant?

 
At 10:20 AM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

*sniff*
Will there be any union positions open?
*wipes eyes...*

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger fmragtops said...

Damn, I feel like the little fat kid that didn't get picked in dodgeball. Oh well, whatever I can do to help, Doc. I'm down.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger fmragtops said...

Oh, I just had an idea. I can try to get Britaney Spears to back your campaign. Only if you want it. I don't know if you want to send that type of message on your campaign.

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger a4g said...

Message? This campaign is going to have a message?

Man, this is getting complicated.

Oh, and Doctor, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the secretary thing, and I think you've awakened a part of me I never knew. No need for "administrative assistant", I'll wear the title Secretary as proudly as I'll wear the new hot pants I'll be purchasing just for the position.

There may be a wee bit of belly fat rolling over the waist, and perhaps a bit more hair than you're accustomed to seeing in a sexy pair of pink leather shorts, but don't worry-- if you close your eyes, it's almost like the real thing.

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

a4g, ROFL!

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger fmragtops said...

OMG! *Jaw Agape* Must...Get...Mental...Image...Out of my HEAD!!!

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

A grown man wearing hot pant might get me elected in San Fran, but in Huntsville it would get me beat up.

 
At 3:22 PM, Anonymous Fitch said...

A4G - I must go bleach my eyes... Then my brain. Jimmy, and FM, Since we weren't assigned positions, I say the 3 of us form a union thug operation on Ton's behalf. Jimmy's the leader because he's already a union thug. I get violently angry with ease, so I'll be in charge of busting kneecaps. FM gets to be incharge of using his hippy tactics of persuasion and is in charge of getting the dead to vote. For Doc of course.

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger GunnNutt said...

Insolublog put Jimmyb on the Joint Chiefs as head of the Army. Since he made me the head of Marines, I also get to be the Chairman! OORAH!

I'm off to check out my inventory of death and destruction causing stuff.

Oh, yeah - Vote for Dr. Phat Tony or prepare to have your beaches stormed!

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

I only hope DPT takes any advice I submit. If I left out any recommendations, it was because I have special 'black-ops' positions in mind.


( See how I make up a cool excuse for being an insensitive bastard? That's my evil Rovian brain trying to squirm out of the hot seat. )

 
At 8:32 PM, Blogger Uber said...

My God, it's not even been 24 hrs since I visited and Insolu is in a long black topcoat which makes him look like he stepped out of the X-Files, Bourne Supremacy or the Matrix (btw whatcha doin later, Insolu? *wink* *wink*) and a4g is in hot pants?

Look, I'm not hairy, wear hot pants, and possess mad photoshopping skillz and have always wanted to wear a hooded cape even when it's not Halloween....where do I sign up? haha

 
At 6:08 AM, Blogger fmragtops said...

Great Idea Fitch, and since nobody on the Doc's staff thought up this idea, he has plausible deniability. Hey, get your deranged monkey, and let's do some persuading.

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

You need security, and Pandy and I can help out with that. I also want super cool sunglasses and the radio earpiece. Nice!

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger Nightcrawler said...

You could always run for District Attorney or whatever Ronnie Earle is. There doesn't seem to be much responsibility there.

 

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