Tuesday, October 04, 2005

You Know That I Know

It was a free for all and thus I have questions that take me all over the spectrum of WTF. As always none of these answers constitute an agreement between the question asker and me. All advice should be taken with a grain of salt. After all, the Dr. in from of my name stands for dur.

Steve the Pirate asks, "If you could build a time machine: Who would you visit and learn from? Who would you visit and kill?"

DPT: Not so interested in going back in time to learn something. Let’s face it; the computer on my desk has more processing speed than anything built before 1980, so they can’t be all that smart. Now ‘the who would I visit and kill’ question has me intrigued. I’m thinking that if I could travel back with a M240G and a few thousand rounds, I would head to ancient Greece or Rome. How cool would it be to mow down a whole bunch of soldiers that could only throw rocks and an occasional spear? It would be like Israelis killing Palestinians. (Free tip: Never throw a rock at a tank.)

Gunnnut asks, "What's the best method of taking out a co-worker who brought the flu to work and spread it around?"

DPT: The best story of revenge I’ve ever heard was when my old man told me about a guy in his unit in Korea that was purposely trying to get the clap. The soldier my father knew was sleeping with the First Sergeant’s wife and figure he could extract revenge by sort of third party giving it to him. If you’re not willing to go this far, try spiking his Nyquil with arsenic.

Pop asks, "How do we convince our congressmen that giving away missile guidance technology to China and accepting campaign contributions from China are much more Impeachable than a BJ in the oval office."

DPT: Tough call, but I’m thinking it has something to do with finding the right voltage.

Steve the non-pirate asks, "How come every time I see Hillary Clinton I throw up in my mouth a little bit?"

DPT: This is a completely natural defense mechanism. Your body is preparing itself for attack. By throwing up a little in your mouth, you have made yourself ready to spit in the face of evil.

Wyatt Earp asks, "Why won't Jessica Biel accept any of my phone calls?"

DPT: First, stop breathing so heavily into the phone; it’s creepy. Second, does your wife know about this?

A4G asks, "How come we have ten fingers, but only two nostrils?"

DPT: We need more fingers than we do nostrils because, depending on what you are trying to get out of your nose, size and shape of finger comes into play. We need a variety of sizes and shapes of fingers just for two nostrils. If we had more than two nostrils we would need a lot more fingers, which would be great for typing but would make the pistol grips on weapons incredibly long and stupid looking.

Pop asks, "Why are republican women so much prettier than democrat women?"

DPT: It’s really not about looks. It’s about class. There are some hot lib women. It’s just that, you know with some money and an 8 ball of coke you could have them. Republican woman will make you work harder for the goods, and we all know it’s about the chase.

Damian G. asks, "Why the hell did my blog traffic crash last week even though I posted a whole bunch of stuff?"

DPT: I think you might be asking the wrong person here. I’m no puppy blender, and thus can’t direct hit’s anywhere really. Try sending a really mean hate mail to one of those wacky lib blogs. Maybe they will post it and make you famous.

Anna asks, "If a liberal tree-hugger speaks in the woods, is it still a lie?"

DPT: Most tree-huggers don’t realize that they’re lying. If they are in the woods spouting their eco-friendly propaganda then an animal that thinks that all vegetarians are a food source will probably eat them.

Tyler D. asks, "Oh for crying out loud. I give up. The text isn't going to show. Did you get that bike yet?"

DPT: No I sure didn’t, but thanks for rubbing it in. I’ll be waking up early tomorrow to share a ride with my wonderful wife. Are you happy now!? What kind of text are you talking about?

Lil B-Cack asks, "How come dirty, smelly hippies insist on coming up to me and ask me to join in their various hippie shenanigans (protests etc)? Why do they give me dirty looks when I finish yelling at them and giving them life advice? Oh, and why are midgets so cool?

DPT: Let’s break down your first question. If women are asking you to help protest, then they are man hating lesbians and want to score with you. If men are asking you to protest, then they don’t have the balls to ask you out on a date but still want to score with you. The dirty looks are because they realize that you will some day be their boss and refuse to let them have a 3-day weekend to march on Washington. All midget question should be directed at B-Cack, ‘cause if he can’t tell you, then no one can.

A4G asks, "Who would want to buy a used anal probe?"

DPT: I’m thinking an alien that is down on their luck and can’t afford a new one.

Katey Kakes asks, "How long were/have you been in the service?"

DPT: Long enough to watch killers take sensitivity training. I was there long enough to watch the Army turn itself into a PC prooving ground. This amounts to 3 years and 17 weeks.

That's all for this week. Come back in two weeks for more of my ever growing knowledge.


At 3:48 PM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

I was going to be a smart-ass and link to something, but I couldn't get it to link. I would preview to see if it worked and then publish and every time it would disappear.

At 5:02 PM, Blogger a4g said...

You are the master, Doctor.

At 5:45 PM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

Doc - The wife knows. She "knows" that I have NO SHOT with JB. It's still fun to dream, though . . .

At 5:47 PM, Blogger GunnNutt said...

I can't do the STD, but the arsenic is definitely "doable". Thanks, Doc.!

At 9:09 PM, Blogger Anna said...

One more of life's questions answered, thanks Doc!

At 11:16 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Sorry I missed the Oracle Monkey. Maybe the Dems on the Senate Judiciary committee would bid on a4g's used anal probe for use on Harriet Miers.

At 4:38 AM, Anonymous Fitch said...

Great work, Doc. I'm just angry I missed out on getting a question in.

At 6:12 AM, Blogger Toni said...

The Hillary question and answer is a keeper. I loved it. btw - you should use this question and answer for humor. It's pretty good.

At 12:29 PM, Blogger Daniel Levesque said...

In the Army for 3 years and 17 weeks, and your already fed up with the pC training? Try being in for almost 9 years like me.


At 1:56 PM, Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

The Hillary one really got me.
We Reublican women are gorgeous, and so are our men.
Good, clean living makes for a pleasant outward appearance.
We have less wrinkles too, because we are rarely grimacing. We do have laugh lines though.


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