Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Merry...Whatever. Here's Your Presents

Sorry it took a while to get the answers out to all of your wonderful questions. I’m sure that the importance level of these questions was so high that it pained you to wait this long. I do want to remind everyone that hasn’t voted for me yet to go and do so (I’m not in the top ten anymore). Just remember to add me to your favorites through the Milblog site to vote. As always the answers are not a contract between me and you. If my answers don’t satisfy you, get bent, ‘cause that’s all your getting. Who’s in charge here anyway?

Telebush asks, “Do atheists exchange gifts at Christmas? What about Satanist?”

DPT: Atheist actually exchange dirty looks for Christmas. When you believe that evolution is the reason that people are here, you have to be careful that your young don’t kill you and take over the family hoping to pass on their genes instead of yours. As far as Satanists go; just go ask them yourself. They hang out at the Democratic Underground.

The Anti-Hippie asks, “what's with the Easter bunny and those eggs? is it some kind of mutant bunny/chicken (hereafter referred to as a bicken)? and does the bicken report directly to Darth Rove himself? “

DPT: There is an easier explanation than a conspiracy.

Insolublog asks, “How will lawyers profit from the fact that doctors can't find needles long enough to penetrate so many buttocks? “

DPT: Heh. “Too much junk in your trunk for medicine to be effective? Have you had strep throat persist even after you received you shot of penicillin in your ample posterior? If you have, call 1800-ILL-SUE-U”

Dan Fan asks, “When is National Naked Day? And what activities take place on this day?”

DPT: National Naked Day was a great scheme that went sour thanks to my Pop. My wife, being an emigrant, didn’t know about all the American holidays. I had her almost convinced that National Naked Day was coming up and she would have to stay home and be naked all day. I had her call my Pop for verification and he went along with at first but then blew it and told the truth. Damn you Pop, damn you I say.

Contagion asks, “If there is a separation of Church and State, why is Christmas (An obviously religious holiday) a Federal holiday?”

DPT: Federal employees will use any excuse to have a long weekend. As far as separation of Church and State it’s mandatory in Alabama for there to be at least 4 blocks between churches and state owned buildings. Letter of the law, if not the spirit.

Stella Piccolo, the proud owner of a Vote for Phat Tony button, asks, What is Santa bringing me this year?

DPT: I’ve looked at your list then called Santa. He told me he can’t quite make out the second thing on your list, so he’ll be getting you this.

Tyler D asks, “What is...
The air speed velocity of an African swallow wearing a Santa hat???”

DPT: Do you want that in KMPH, MPH, or NMPH?

Steve asks, “Doc,
Why does my wife get mad when I give her great gifts for Christmas like: Vacuum Cleaners, Toasters, Waffle Makers, coffee makers, etc.. “

DPT: If you keep getting her things to make her work easier she will soon be out of a job and have nothing to do with her time besides drinking. I suggest buying her golf cleats this year so that she can wash the car even when there is ice on the driveway.

Fmragtops asks, “Why the hell does Santa Clause quit coming when you stop believing in him? “

DPT: You probably haven’t written him a letter lately. Try writing one like Stella did. You might want to change number 2 on the list though. I’m not saying you have to…I’m not judging you.

KateyKakes asks, “I have yet to figure out Kwanzaa. Can you help?”

DPT: Unfortunately this question might best be answered by the world’s smartest man. I just don’t have the intellect needed to understand something as stupid as Kwanzaa.

Daniel Levesque asks, “Should whiskey be added to the list of holiday drinks so it can receive official recognition for it place among eggnog and hot chocolate as one of the most consumed beverages of the holiday season?”

DPT: Whiskey should be added to everything, not just lists. It already has a place in the most consumed beverage for holidays. Here is a good shopping tip for you on whiskey, if you can afford it.

A4G asks, “What special holidays are celebrated by hat-wearing, pipe-smoking chimps?
And how come we can't get presents on all twelve days of Christmas, like on the eight days of Chanukah?
And how come there are so many damn ways to spell Hanukkah anyway?

DPT: Obviously, the chimp is Hindu and would celebrate Hanuman’s birthday. You know Christians, our attention span is so small we wouldn’t be able to handle more than one day of Christmas. I prefer spelling it Chanukah. That way I can mispronounce it on purpose, but I think that it’s spelled a million different ways because no one actually speaks Hebrew.

Peakah asks, “Why will half the dogs in America receive Christmas presents this year, yet few of us pause to consider the miserable life of the pig--an animal easily as intelligent as a dog--that becomes the Christmas ham?”

DPT: I’m betting that just as many dogs will be served at Christmas this year by all the Chinese restaurants that are open on Christmas day.

Lil’ B-Cack asks, “How come whenever you see a "holiday" commercial on tv nowadays, they can never utter the word "Christmas" it always has to be holidays or "Chrismahanakwazanah" or something like that? Is it cause of the smelly, retarded liberals? Or JOOS? Is it because of the joooooosssss?”

DPT: they don’t dare utter the word Christmas for fear of the evil, Christmas eating monster, ACLU-agator. This monster preys on companies that dare utter religious phrases during Christmas.

Wyatt Earp asks, “How come Lowe's is selling "Holiday Trees," but is also posting a similar sign in Spanish that they have "Christmas Trees" on sale? Why is it okay to offend English-speaking Christians, but not illegals?
Oh, and Happy Rama-Hanu-Kwanz-Mas!”

DPT: Lowes is racist obviously. I guess they just buy into the stereo type that all Mexicans are Catholic. You can’t offend a Christian. We’re not real people. Just ask the ACLU and the Democrats.

Uber asks, “If I ask you if I can ask two questions will you say
"Can you vote for me twice?"
If you were in charge, how would public school children be expected to celebrate Christmas, and why does my grandma not allow "blatant" drinking of alcoholic beverages over the holidays even if everyone already knows that's what you're drinking, but it's ok as long as you don't admit that that's what you're drinking?”

DPT: Children would have to have some sort of Christmas pageant, where they dress up like something to celebrate whatever holiday they buy into. Atheist children can dress up like an amebas or monkeys. Your Grandmother is trying to get you to act like a lady. I’m sure in her time you had to go to someone’s cellar and use code words to get a drink.

Gunnnut (A WOMAN) asks, “How come there aren't any Christian holidays that last more than one day? Every other religion has holidays that span weeks!”

DPT: I might have already answered this question, but it’s our short attention span. Plus do you really need any more stress?

Fiar asks, “Why do I get sick on every. single. holiday. ever?”

DPT: You must have already taken Daniel’s advice and added whiskey to the top of the list of Holiday libations (That’s a $2 word and I’m expecting it in the donation box).

Conservative UAW Guy asks, “Is Hanukkah really just a week where the Jooooos solidify and tweak their plans for world domination, or is this just propaganda put forth by Cindy Shrillhan and the Nation of Islam?”

DPT: How much do you know? Don’t make me send G.I. Jew and his hit squad to your house.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

You Want Me to Win Don't You?

Everyone of my readers needs to go to this site now, register and then add me to your favorites through the site so I can win an award. This is an order, not a request.

Update! Go to the top 100 and click view all, then click on my handle and add to favorites. Jeez, I got to do everything for you guys.

I'm Here to Help

It's that every other Tuesday where I get to answer all you burning questions. I've acutally thought of a topic this week. Today I will be answering quetions about holidays. Any questions you have about any holiday will be answered in my usual nonsensical way. Ask already, I don't have all day.

Operation Beretta (A Phat History Lesson)

This one time, at Camp Bondsteel, all hell broke loose which forced a covert operation. No operations security will be violated, as this story will be denied by everyone involved. These accounts may or may not be all true (they’re true) but since I have nothing besides hear say and no physical evidence, take the story for what it is.

So there I was, no sh**, in the KosaNam minding my own business when a report came through operations from Sgt Blue Falcon that changed the plans of the whole company. To provide some background, I have to say that there were a few soldiers that had a problem with keeping positive control on their sensitive items. Puffy once left his weapon in the chow hall and for corrective actions he had to have everything he wore tied down to him with 550 cord. Yes, his hat was tied to his t-shirt, t-shirt tied to BDU top, BDU top tied to his belt, so forth, and so on. He even had to tie his upper receiver to his lower receiver. There was another soldier that had problems with losing 40mm grenades out on missions. Sgt Blue Falcon though, he took the cake as far as being a loser.

So I was in Operations at the time and we received a report from Sgt. Blue Falcon that he had “misplaced” his M9 Beretta while outside the wire. Losing your weapon in the Army is probably worse then flipping off your First Sgt. The trouble that rains down from losing your weapon is monsoon proportions and losing it out in the middle of Kosovo is much worse. Now how could Sgt. Blue Falcon possibly lose his 9mil? Good question and here is the answer. Instead of having it in his holster, he decided that he would keep it in the front pouch of his RBA (Ranger Body Army) instead of the plate that was supposed to go there. On his way to another camp he and his partner pulled over to the side of the road so that he could download some waste. I guess it fell out of his RBA then. He then got back into the HMMWV and drove the rest of the way to the other camp. It was at the gat when he went to clear his weapon before going into the camp when he realized that he no longer had control of his 9mil.

The real issue now becomes what to do about it. Sgt Blue Falcon and his partner have already spent hours looking for it. The Company Commander made a command decision right then. He was not going to go to the Base Commander and let him know that one of our soldiers lost his weapon in the middle of Kosovo, instead he would take the whole company put them in a line and start looking for the weapon. So off they went, 100 soldiers out in a line in the woods of Kosovo looking for a 9mm Beretta. You think that finding WMD’s in Iraq is hard, this beats that hands down. Now everyone is fairly pissed (except me, I wasn’t on a team at the time so I didn’t have to go HAHA) at Sgt Blue Falcon for making them go out in full battle rattle to look for a stupid pistol. I on the other hand was having a blast reading the reports coming in about Operation Beretta. I believe it was at about 8 hours of looking when the Beretta was finally found. A soldier said he found it in the mud. That soldier was plain stupid, when everyone knew that Sgt Blue Falcon lost it while fertilizing Kosovo’s plants.

To prove a point that I mad earlier about how easy it was to get medals in the Army, Sgt Blue Falcon, who lost a M9 Beretta and wrecked a HMMWV wile in Kosovo, ended up getting an award when we got back from Kosovo. It’s an “F” up move up Army I tell you.

Monday, November 28, 2005


Bwahahahah....heh...heh...hmmm. Couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

How to Gain Good Luck

Last night I was over at a friend’s house regaling them with stories about B-Cack and his love of midgets and monkeys. B-Cack has always been an odd sort and most people find the stories I tell of him quite amusing.

B-Cack’s obsession of midgets became the topic of discussion and I spent a lot time explaining that it wasn’t sexual but more of a morbid curiosity on B-Cacks part. It’s not that he fantasizes about being with midgets, it’s just that he thinks that they are to cool to go unnoticed and wants them around him. Look how happy he is that a midget is actually touching him. I think I’ll give his obsession the name of “Lilliput Syndrome”. As we were all having a laugh at B-Cack’s strange interest, the brother-in-law of my friend came out and said maybe the funniest thing ever.

I’ll quote “Did you know rubbing a humpback midget is good luck?”

I couldn’t control my laughter. It was just too funny to be true. I can’t write things that funny. As it turns out though, in a book written by Gunter Grass called the Tin Drum the main character is of small stature and has a humpback . Women would touch his hump thinking that it was good luck.

Surely B-Cack will now search for a humpback midget in hopes of touching it for good luck. Please, if anyone spots a humpback midget drop a line here so that I can point B-Cack in the right direction. Also if you happen to find a humpback midget please touch them and tell me how your luck has changed.

A Special Thank You to Frank

You might remember Frank Galvin from such comments like, “..this site is a front for American Nazi Party” or “…this site is a front for Benny Hinn's Hitler Youth group”. Only Frank could make these accusations with a straight face. This is not why I’m thanking him though. The reason I’m thanking him is because he made it possible for me to eat out on Sunday.

Saturday night I was at a poker game and was at the final table with only four people left. 4th place received only $20 of the $25 entry fee. Frank Galvin was the reason I made money. He went all in, lost to another Bush supporter, and made it possible for me to make a $50 profit on top of my original investment. A heart felt thank you to Frank Galvin. Dinner was great and it was all because of you becoming 4th place.

Also I would like to thank Mukrz. He also contributed all his chips to the Phat Tony Restaurant fund.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Dog Shows are Funny

I was flipping through the channels the other day and stopped briefly on a dog show. Normally not something I can devote a lot of time to because I would be bored to sleep. Fortunately I stayed on the dog show to hear the two announcers say something that I thought was hilarious. To the best of my knowledge this is how it went.

Announcer 1: This dog here, can take commands in two different languages.

Announcer 2: That’s one more than I can do. What languages are they?

Announcer 1: English and French.

Announcer 2: So, it's like you tell it to speak in English and roll over in French?

Heh, that guy cracks me up.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

History of Thanksgiving

The story of Thanksgiving starts much earlier than the first Thanksgiving in 1621. Long before the Euros, at the first Thanksgiving were called Pilgrims, they were called Snake Handlers by the Church of England. They were persecuted because of their refusal to drink wine with communion (they opted for grape juice) and the fact that they often danced with snakes to prove their faith in God, much like the hillbillies in Tennessee. After being ridiculed for their behavior for many years, the Snake Handler’s decided they needed to find a place where they could drink their grape juice in peace. They decided to move to the Netherlands after hearing that a lot of people that did not agree with the Catholic Church had moved their to gain access to birth control and also were able to read the Bible in the vernacular (vernacular means street slang) instead of Latin which was the only way you were going to get it from the Catholics. Most of the church reformers at the time were tired of hearing “Odgay oveslay ouyay.” and “Asspay the ollectioncay ateplay”. The Snake Handlers settled in the Netherlands but were immediately disappointed by the amount of prostitution and drug abuse. This is when they decided they needed a whole new place away from everyone to be able to continue doing the snake dance.

The boarded a ship called the Gayflower but quickly had the captain, named Cecil, change the name to Mayflower for reasons still unknown. After the hasty renaming of the Mayflower they set sail to the New World, now called “The People’s Republic of Massachusetts”. The Snake Handler’s also decided to change their collective name to Pilgrims. The choice of the name Pilgrim was chosen for two reasons. One, they wanted to avoid the stigma gained in England which was associated with Snake Handler and two, Pilgrim was much shorter. The hardships that the Pilgrims endured in the first year were too many to count. It turned out that none of the Pilgrims had any skill besides praying and dancing with snakes. These skills just weren’t enough to gain money to put food on the table. Now the Indians, which were staying on the reservation not far away, were sympathetic to the plight of the Pilgrims. The Indians had found many ways to gain profits in the new world. Besides the casino on the reservation, they also had duty free cigarettes and “fire water”. Besides these, they also made a small fortune selling Peyote for “Religious purposes”. After seeing the Pilgrims fail at making money with their praying and dancing, the Indians decided to show the Pilgrims some skills that might make them some money. They took the Pilgrims on a team building retreat and showed them how to make dream catchers and ceramic statues of eagles and buffalos. This turned into a lucrative business for the Pilgrims. To show their appreciation for the Indians teaching them how to survive, they decided to have a party where everyone brought green bean casserole or candied yams with raisons. For the center piece they decided to find the ugliest bird and kill it. People have been eating turkey on Thanksgiving since. While eating turkey, green bean casserole, and candied yams they also watched football, which is now a mainstay in modern Thanksgiving tradition. Although the good relationship didn’t last between the Pilgrims and the Indians (They killed most of them the next year for being heathen Satan worshipers), we still celebrate their party of thanks every year.

This history lesson was brought to you by outcome based education.

History Disovery of America

Open Trackback at Political Teen
Lunch at Basil's

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Dems Call Shenanigans on Vote

After the defeat of a motion to immediately remove troops from Iraq(u), Dems are now seeking an investigation into the way the ballot was phrased. It appears that most of the Democrats that voted feel they were misled by the intricacies of the yes or no ballot. Rep Murtha has said “I know I meant to vote for the immediate withdrawal. I had to of. I just spoke about it a few days ago. It has to be a conspiracy; probably involves Karl Rove too. Don't you know I'm a decorated Veteran?” Rep. Murtha also said, “We need to have this vote again. Surely all the opinion polls can’t be wrong.” Dr. Phat Tony’s crack reporting team has uncovered said ballot. It is the opinion of this reporter that the ballot is indeed misleading to some extent. No connection has been made to implicate Karl Rove, but the fact that only pro-war Republicans figured out the ballot for this motion does give this conspiracy some credence.

Picnic lunch at Basil's
Open trackback at Political Teen

Monday, November 21, 2005

Hooray for Capitalism

I haven’t been specifically blogerific lately. Believe me this isn’t an over site, it’s just that it I've been wrapped up. I do owe you guys an explanation as to why the lame posting for the last few days.

Here is the scoop. I’ve been given the opportunity to work as much as I want on a project for overtime. Since the socialists haven’t come out of their pockets and donated money to me, I turn to capitalism to clear me of some of my money woes. The company I work for gained a contract so that they could make money (Hooray for Capitalism), I have been told that I could work on it as much as I want after hours making overtime (Hooray for Capitalism), this means that by helping the company I work for make money, I will also make money (Hooray for Capitalism).

Unlike other people (socialist weenies) that would complain about not getting their fare share and that large corporations are abusing their work force by not paying them a living wage, I have taken up the challenge of making the availability of this work pay off. True, I will not get paid as much as the company that I work for, but in all I don’t have to come out my pocket to have the tools necessary to complete the job either. I’m showing that “can do” industrious attitude that made America great. I’m not showing the “I’m too good for that where’s my hand out” attitude that other people show.

The bad news is that I will only get to write something if I have time during my lunch. This means you might see some copy and paste post’s that have been given to me by my not so abundant friends. What can I say, I’m a real bastard at heart and don’t like most people. This puts a large dent in the amount of people I hang out with. If anyone has something funny that they would like to share, within the next few weeks, feel free to email it to me. Warning, I’m the final judge on what’s posted so don’t get all bent out of shape because your email wasn’t posted. I have a strange sense of humor to start with and sometimes mainstream funny just doesn’t do it for me. To give you a clue on what I think is funny take a gander at these two songs by bloodhound gang. On second thought don't send me stuff like that. As funny as I think those guys are, it just wouldn't be apropriate for this blog.

Learning is Fun

I recieved an email from a friend. Normally I wouldn't post it word for word but I'm running low on time and all of it is pretty funny. Enjoy.

Corporate Lesson 1 :
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, " I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, " Who was that? "
" It was Bob the next door neighbour, " she replies.
" Great! " the husband says, " did he say anything about the $800 he owes me? "
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, " Father, remember Psalm 129? "
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, " Father, remember Psalm 129? "
The priest apologized " Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. "
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, " Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory. "
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, " I'll give each of you just one wish. "
" Me first! Me first! " says the admin. clerk.
" I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. " Poof! She's gone.
" Me next! Me next! " says the sales rep. " I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. " Poof! He's gone.
" OK, you're up, " the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, " I want those two back in the office after lunch. "
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, " Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? "
The crow answered: " Sure, why not. "
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
" I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree, " sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "
" Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings? " replied the bull. " They're packed with nutrients. "
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there

Friday, November 18, 2005

Wreckin’ Crew (A Phat History Lesson)

To answer TylerD’s question: “Did you manage to destroy any good cars in Europe?”:

There I was, no sh**, on my way to Phulledorf, transporting people to the International Long Range Surveillance school. I was driving an American made 8 passenger van filled with 6 airborne long range surveillance soldiers and all their equipment. It was January and strange enough, Germany is backwards, as you drive south it gets colder. Stupid Germans. So it’s snowing and the time is passing by slowly. I have to drive super slow, because the roads have ice on them. All was going well until I went into a chicane, and felt the van going sideways into the oncoming lane. Decision time. Should I step on the gas and try to pull out of it in a rear wheel drive van, or step on the breaks and let the antilock breaks slow me down enough I stop before the van goes all the way across the road? It turns out, it probably didn’t matter. That much weight moving sideways on ice, nothing was going to keep me from sliding. It happened slow enough to let everyone no that we were about to have an accident. I think I said “No! No! No!” and shortly after me explaining our predicament, I hit a Volkswagen headed in the opposite direction.

So now the van has finally stopped and it looks good in the yard I parked it in. The Volkswagen is maybe 50 meters behind us also parked in the same yard. I get out to inspect the damage to the van. It’s not bad. The fender and the headlight will need to be replaced, but in all fairly minor. I turn around to look at the Volkswagen. Oops, he didn’t fair so well. The whole side of his Golf was wrecked. I totaled the Golf.

Here is where the fun begins. The guy jumps out of his golf with fire in his eyes. He walks towards me, notices my size, and slows a little. The soldier in the passenger seat gets out to look at the damage, and angry German slows a little more. The other 5 soldiers get out and German has now stopped in his tracks. The German then hangs his head and turns around to go back to his car. Much like 5 year olds, soldiers can be cruel. We find his antics hilarious. We then look and he and his girlfriend are in the car arguing. I bet it was about all the tough talk he had until he saw who he was up against. She gets out of the car, tells him something (I wasn’t close enough to tell what) and then starts to hitch hike. It only took her about three steps till she got picked up. This is where angry German starts to cry. Ladies and gentleman, I’m sorry, but this might have been the funniest thing that me and the guys with me had ever seen. We could not contain the laughter which only made him sob harder. Life is so cruel to people sometimes. I guess the moral of the story is that you shouldn’t be in my way on ice when I’m driving a van full of soldiers. That’s the only thing I can come up with.

Why Aren’t You

Why aren’t you regaling us with asinine poo stories, Phat Tony? Why aren’t you posting stuff in the morning so that I can read you moronic crap, while drinking my star bucks? Where is the Phat History that we’ve come to know and tolerate? Did people really send these questions, or are you just making this stuff up as you go along?

Jeez, give a guy a break would ya. What are you the Grand Inquisitor? I’m busy making ends meat for the family unit. That means long hours of tedious work and self sacrifice. Good news is that if all works out I will be able to afford to have the title of lower middle-class.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I’m So Proud

Since I’ve started blogging, I’ve noticed what kind of searches gets me hits. I wanted to share them with you only because I think that seeing these might have been one of my proudest moments.

My contribution to rewriting history with Discovery of America has made some elementary school student very frustrated, I’m sure.

If you are ever looking for a “Gangsta fo white folks” I’ve got that to.

Of course this one is the best. This is usually good for 10 hits a day. I guess if you want to know “How to Join the Canadian Army” my blog seems to be the end all for information on that. My dad must be so proud.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Participation Rocks

Well I’m glad everybody participated but now I have a lot of ‘splainin to do. I might eventually have to start picking and choosing what questions I answer. I think that 24 might be the maximum that I can answer and still have time to drink my coffee in the morning. Anyway, as always all my answers are probably to stupid to be used in a malpractice suit, so if you want to waste your money on a lawyer go right ahead and bring it.

Fitch asks, “Why is it that when Liberals say that the world doesn't have a favorable opinion of America, what they really mean is FRANCE doesn't have a favorable opinion of America?”

DPT: I blame this on public schooling and the lack of lessons on geography. My wife is from Poland and she has told some people this only to have the reply, “Isn’t that in Germany.” Normally this would be a funny joke, but the people that say stupid things like that aren’t meaning to make a joke. For most Americans Europe=France or Germany.

Wyatt Earp asks, “Why does English food suck, but their beer rock?

DPT: It’s cause and effect really. They have to have good beer so they can get drunk enough to eat baked beans on toast and spotted dick. How many beers would it take for you to eat dick, Wyatt?

Jimmyb the CUG asks, “Why does Europe suck? Except for some of their beer?

DPT: The beer is to overcompensate for their suckiness. It’s like an inverse; the taste of the beer is the inverse for the amount that Euros suck. Let’s not ask them to improve themselves. I would hate to see the beer turn into water.

DanFan asks, “If you go into the bathroom American, and come out of the bathroom America, what are you in the bathroom?”

DPT: You could be a couple of thing, Yourapein’, Yourapoopin’, Yourapukin, or Youratakin’ advantage of some drunk ladies inhibitions.

Yoshiko Karasuma asks, “What would you say is the best thing to see/try out (sightseeing and food that is) in Europe? Do you recommend being posted there, even for a married troop?”

DPT: Castles are cool, so are the old cathedrals but those get old quick. Europe is just old, you get used to seeing buildings older than America. The coolest thing I saw was Hitler’s summer home The Eagles Nest. They still have the guest book there and bullet holes from when the Americans finally made it to the top. As for married troops living there, it’s a tough call. There is lots of drinking and womanizing to be done and I’m thinking that this might not be conducive to a good marriage.

Contagion asks, “So what exactly do you know about European generals?”

DPT: Besides that a European General is sort of like having a person playing the accordion in a band filled with people that only play the bagpipes, nothing. They would be just as useless and annoying as the armies they lead.

Insolublog asks, “Why do Europeans bow to greasy hippies and Marxists, but refuse to prostrate themselves before the mighty American Global Empire?”

DPT: Hippies and Marxist have the ability to make signs and chant catchy rhymes. The best America can do is drop bombs and play hip-hop on the radio. You have to admit hippies and Marxists with signs chanting in large numbers is a scary thing.

Pop asks, “Why does gas cost more per liter than we pay per gallon yet their cars can go over 100 miles per hour on the autobaun legaly?”

DPT: It’s the only way they can keep Germany from invading surrounding countries. They have to keep the gas prices high enough to make it too expensive for the Germans to go anywhere. As for them going so fast, Europeans go nowhere faster than anyone else.

Millman asks, “Why do the libs and gays want to take my God out of everything? Will Ohio State Beat scUM? And why is there so many out to get us (repubs)?

DPT: The first one is easy; God doesn’t vote Democrat. Forget Ohio State for a second the Alabama/Auburn game is on this weekend. When you say “get”, you mean take away your soap, right?

Fmragtops asks, “So what exactly do you know about European genitals? Does Europe suck as bad as it looks like it sucks on TV? “

DPT: If you’re looking for an anatomy lesson I suggest you and your dad sit down and have “the talk”. With that said, most of the German men seem to be lacking testicles. I’ve not seen this with my own eyes, but from the way they back down at the slightest hint of a fight, there is good cause to believe that they’re not there. Every place in Europe I’ve been to has been a lot of fun. The women dig Americans, you can buy a beer everywhere, and the guys aren’t tough enough to keep you from taking their girlfriends.

Lingerie Lady asks, “Do the French really smell that bad - or is it just the smoke?”

DPT: I think that it’s a close race between the Turkish and the French for
smelliest people. I suggest staying off public transportation. Remember when that report came out about Alzheimer patients having an elevated amount of aluminum; those two types of people put too much faith in the report and discarded the antiperspirants (active ingredient aluminum).

A4G asks, “How exactly can French police tell whether a Peugeot is burning due to rioting, or just spontaneously went up?”

DPT: Pre-curfew burnings are chalked up to spontaneous combustion. Post-curfew burnings are cause by youths who are disenfranchised and can be extinguished by giving them more entitlements.

Steve asks, “I think Europe has Freedom Envy, what do you think?”

DPT: I’ve always thought it was more on the line of being frustrated because their women love American men.

Tyler D asks, “Did you manage to destroy any good cars in Europe?”

DPT: I actually have a funny story about a wreck I was in, but it will have to wait till tomorrow to give it the proper write up in a Phat History Lesson.

Pop asks, “Why do german women have hairy arm pits?”

DPT: Pop, I’m not sure if it was because you were married while living in Germany and didn’t get a chance to “mingle with the culture” like me or that the times have changed but…how can I put this nicely…ahem…oh…I had never seen a bald eagle in person till I went to Germany.

Peakah asks, “Is it true that God invented beer to keep the Irish from ruling the Earth? Or at least ruling the EU?”

DPT: Actually you have it mixed up. God invented the Irish to show the rest of the world what a country will turn into if you fill it with short tempered violent drunks.

Lil’ B-Cack asks, “How much havoc did my favorite brother, B-Cack, reak on the the Euroes and their homeland? I know he is holding out on me. What all did he do that I didnt' hear about???

DPT: B-Cack was a perfect gentleman the whole time I knew him. Now, Mario on the other hand…oh the stories I could tell.

A4G asks, “How much does the French government spend to keep the Paris Metro "Urinal Fresh" at all times? Do they have to process and concentrate hobo urine to maintain the consistent odor?”

DPT: That’s the beauty of it. It’s a standard feature on all Euro public transportation.

Gunnnutt asks, “Pop took my question! I'll just ask it a different way. How expensive are razors in Europe?”

DPT: To help keep American culture out of Europe, anything that Americans use has an unbelievable mark up. That’s why razors, soap, and deodorant are so expensive. Oh, and Gunnnut is a woman.

Mukrz asks, “Snoop Dogg has been to Europe. Does his statement, "Bitches aint shit but ho's and trix" hold true in Europe, too? Did you ever go to the Hauptbahnhof in Frankfurt to watch the addicts shoot up? Why is it that Europeans think that religion is something that is a private matter in contrast to US? How many country points did you get in Europe?”

DPT: Don’t think for a second that you can get me in trouble with that line Mukrz. As far as the heroine fiends, on of the first things I saw in Frankfurt was some one shooting up in the middle of the sidewalk. Now, you know that religion is so intertwined with the culture in Europe that it’s silly. The judges wear crosses around their necks in Poland. Country points? If you are referring to the notches on my bed post, then I’m sorry, I’m too much of a gentleman to kiss and tell.

Megabrad asks, “Does all of Europe smell like p*ss, or just the high class parts where the rich Euro-peons live?”

DPT: Surprisingly, it seemed to me that only the men smelled of BO and urine. This fact probably was the reason why American men do so well over there.

Mensa Barbie asks, “Is there any truth to the rumor that we were offered 'the rioters in exchange for the Hollywood anti-Americans?'”

DPT: The rioter exchange program has been an utter disaster since it’s inception. While the rioters are more than happy to come to America, the Hollywood types only talk as if Europe is great. Once they get there and have to anti up on the taxes they hop the next flight back to the states where they can complain about the rich not paying their fair share.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Q&A for Your Tuesday

Yay! Today is Tuesday and it’s time again to ask me, the fake Dr., some questions. Today’s subject will be on Europe in general. I lived there for a few years and considering that I added a Dr. in front of my name for no reason, living in Europe for a few years makes me an expert. So leave a question in the comment section and I’ll answer it. Also make sure you check out the post below. Get on it already.

Women Are No Better

Not long ago I posted these pics of guys doing the usual poses for pictures. The outrage, the shock…not exactly. People seemed to think that it was quite normal for men to have the one track mind. But wait! Do my eyes deceive me? Is there photographic evidence of women acting a fool in front of the camera? Absolutely. Yep it turns out that after a few rounds women loosen up enough to take a funny picture. Where’s the outrage now I wonder?

Monday, November 14, 2005

Feel Good Army

I’m pretty sure that I’ve ranted in the past about how the Army had changed while I was in. It went from a place where elite soldiers set them selves apart from the rest of the Army by performing dangerous tasks and also having a uniform that reminded everyone that they volunteered to perform dangerous tasks to a place where everybody wore something that made them feel elite without having to do anything hard. There was a time where black berets were only given to soldiers that made it through RIP (Ranger Indoctrination Program) and to wear any beret you had to be assigned to an airborne unit. Now anybody that makes through basic gets to slap on a beret and feel a little better about themselves. I don’t really care that the whole army is walking around with berets mind you; I was upset that they took a symbol of being a ranger in an elite unit and handed it out to everyone. They could have went with any color but decided to take away the ranger’s identifier and make it worthless. (I'm so glad I left the Army before I had to see a pregnant pack clerk with a black beret on.)

At my unit we had the same problem. One we were the only airborne infantry in Germany. You wouldn’t spot a red beret unless you were in Darmstadt, home of the Long Range Surveillance Company. We also had special PT uniform that consisted of black (catch me; f**k me) shorts and a black t-shirts. They made us stop wearing those because other units complained that they weren’t allowed to wear them; then we shouldn’t wear them either. It was also a real pain when we showed up to pull force protection with other units there in town. The rest of the soldiers from other units looked exactly the same. On their LBE they would have: one canteen on the right, one ammo pouch on the left, one first aid kit on the right suspenders, and their flashlight on their left suspenders. At my unit you were allowed to wear anything you wanted, as long as it was camo or green and served a purpose. Everybody’s equipment looked different. I remember one time where the sergeant of the guard was questioning me and my buddies about our LBE. He asked me why I had a Y harness 2 first aid pouches, 4 ammo pouches, and a butt pack while my buddy had a vest and no butt pack. All I could tell him was that my buddy was on another team and his SOP was different than mine. What a pogue that guy was.

Anyway, on with the point. Not long ago there was a story about non-infantry crying because they weren’t eligible for the Combat Infantry Badge. It’s an award given to infantry soldiers who go to combat. The reason it’s given, is to reward the people who not only volunteered to be in the Army, but also volunteered to combat soldier. In a conflict infantry soldiers will be guaranteed a fight, while other units may only get to see the inside of a camp during a deployment. True, soldiers currently down range are having chances to see combat while going out in convoys and other missions, but their purpose is not to engage the enemy. The Army doesn’t send mechanics out to close with the enemy, if they see combat it’s not because the Army wanted them to.

So, the Army has come up with a way to make these soldiers feel good to. Intelligence reports (a friend sent me an email) show that the army has come up with a different badge to show that non-infantry have been in a fight. Here is the information in full. (It’s also a complete lie, but too funny to pass up)

The attached badge is now authorized for wear by all SERMC staff.


Rumor Control Chief

Subject: Combat Briefing Badge (CBB)

Recognizing the need for an award for troops assigned to headquarters units during combat operations, the Army today announced the approval of the Combat Briefing Badge, or CBB. "People don't realize that being in a major headquarters can be just as stressful as going on patrols or convoys," said MAJ John Remf. "When you're briefing that many General Officers, your career can end in a heartbeat. And it can happen to anyone at any time, not just combat arms soldiers." DOD statistics note that CSS personnel are more likely to suffer career-ending incidents in rear areas than Combat Arms Soldiers. "This just reflects that reality," said Pentagon spokesman LTC Roger Pogue.

The award ranks in precedence below the CIB and CAB, but above the EIB and PowerPoint Ranger tab.

The criteria for the award is still under discussion, but preliminary guidance authorizes the award for 30 days of continuous briefings of officers at least two grades higher than the briefer without incident while serving in a theater of operations in which the awardee is eligible for hostile fire and hazardous duty pay.

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

Caveats: NONE

Breakfast at Basil's
Open Trackback at Political Teen

Friday, November 11, 2005

Veterans Day

For all who have served, a heart felt thanks. For all who have fallen, your sacrifice will not be forgotten by this Veteran blogger. Happy Veterans Day.

Clubbin’ (A Phat History Lesson)

Because it’s Veterans Day, I’m going to regale you with another Army story. True this one doesn’t have much to do with the Army but all the characters in it were soldiers.

We were drinking one night, me, B-Cack, Puffy, Expletive Delph, CW, and Will, all at the Heinerfest, downing liters of beer. Heinerfest was Darmstadt’s summer fest which occurred the first week of July every year. Me and my buddies had only been in country for a few weeks and this was our first chance to really make a$$es of ourselves in Germany. After drinking quite of few rounds and demolishing a few tables, the beer tent closed down. We, of course, weren’t ready to call it a night yet. After a bit of discussion, all of decided to move our party to a new place so that we could finish defiling ourselves in public. It was only midnight but not knowing the city real well yet, we weren’t quite sure where to move our party. Luckily, spotlights were seen across town signaling to us that there was some type of club still open. Off we went in search of the club.

We decided against using a taxi, didn’t want to waste drink money, and rode our sneakers across town. All was well and we were actually making decent progress we came to an unexpected halt. We could see the club, it was only about 500m from us, but a large manufacturing company lay between us and the opportunity to drink more. The road we were on was a dead end and to circumvent it would require us wasting more time and also wasting the buzz we had accumulated at the beer tent. The solution was that we would scale the gate, run across the plant, scale another gate, and then hot step it to the club, doing all of these things without being caught of course. So, just like the obstacle course in basic, we cruise through this plant quickly and race down the street to distance ourselves from the obvious crime that had just been committed and got in line to enter the club.

German clubs are a little different than the ones here in the states. You don’t pay as you go; you get a card as you enter and they keep track of how much you drink, so that you have to pay to get out. At the end of the night all the people that are stuck in the club get halled off by the police for not paying the bar tab. I offered to pay for one card for every one, it amounted to 60 marks a person, and everyone could pay me back once we got back on base where the ATM was.

Everyone had a decent time, minus Will as he hated techno, and at 3 am it was decided that it was time to wrap things up. We got in line to pay the cashier and get out. I collected everyone’s cards but Expletive Delph had lost his. This was o.k. because they would just make me pay the full amount of the card before we could leave. I told the cashier that I was paying for everyone, she gave me the amount, and I paid it. We started filing through the turnstile and when Expletive Delph went to walk through, the turnstile locked up. I asked the cashier what was happening and she told me that he didn’t pay. I argued with her for a while, insisting that I just paid for everyone to no avail. Expletive Delph told me not to worry about it he would figure out a way to meet us outside. The rest of went outside to wait for Delph. After about 30 min, Will was starting to get pissed and the rest of were ready to go home. We didn’t want to ditch Delph but he was taking too long. B-Cack volunteered to go inside and hurry him up. So off B-Cack went, back into the club, to help Delph escape. Now outside over the front of the club was a balcony that had a 7 foot fence. Me, Puffy, CW, and Will had staked claim to a curb not far from the entrance and balcony. We looked up to the balcony and saw Delph’s head sticking over the top of the fence. It looked like he had moved a table so that he could see over the top. It was about a 20 foot drop from the top of the fence to the ground. Once we saw Delph’s head though we all told him to hurry up and jump. He climbed over the fence, hung from the top of the fence, and fell the rest of the way to the ground. Great, now all we had to do was get B-Cack out. We next saw B-Cack’s head at the top of the fence. We told him to hurry up and jump down, but he just looked at us and shook his head.

30 more minutes passed, and everyone outside figured that B-Cack was just chatting up the Euros and was wasting our time. So we all cursed his name a few times and started heading out. As we were walking by the entrance to get a taxi to get home and B-Cack came running up behind us. He then told us what had happened in the club. It turns out that when he entered the club, he told the bouncer that he was just going in to get a friend and the bouncer had told him he wouldn’t charge him. That turned out to be a load of crap. When B-Cack helped Delph over the fence he went back downstairs to leave but was stopped at the door and was told he would have to pay 60 marks to get out. You see when the bouncer told him there would be no charge he also didn’t give B-Cack a card. B-Cack was telling us he had been wandering around begging for money trying to get enough to get out. He had gotten so desperate he was thinking of starting a fire in the middle of the club. As he was trying to get some marks out of some Euros at the front door, a fight between some guys and the bouncers broke out and he was able to step over the turnstile and just sneak out.

Two things happened that night that changed us forever. One, Will never went to a dance club again and two, Delph never paid to get out of that dance club again.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Free PR for Aruba

Arubans are quite upset about Gov. Riley asking for a national boycott of the Dutch island Aruba. They’ve complained to the U.S. State department about it. I can understand why they’re upset. When your only export is scuba diving, funny accents, and date rape, bad PR can put a dent in the amount of money that flows into the country. Never being one to let an island nation disappear because of government officials mishandling an investigation, I’ve decide to help out by giving ideas for new slogans for Aruba. Plus it gives me a chance to use bullets.

• Aruba, gateway to the sex slave trade.
• Get slipped the mickey in Aruba.
• Get lost forever in Aruba.
• Where the white women at? (Thank you Blazing Saddles)
• We guarantee you won’t lose your luggage. Guarrantee does not cover your life.
• Aruba, now with 30% less chance of being gang raped and lost forever.
• All drinks chock full of roofie goodness.
• We bring families together… by making them search for you.
Sleep Swim with the fishes in Aruba.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

A First That Doesn’t Include Jimmyb

I knew it was coming but I’m always surprised when it actually shows up on the television. Last night was the first Christmas commercial I have seen on television this year. Lowes was the culprit that decided that Nov. 8 was close enough to start bastardizing Christmas for personal gain. There is nothing like seeing nativity scenes and Christmas trees being panned over to let people know that Christmas cheer can be bought at Lowes. Luckily I never shop at Lowes, but if I did, I would make up a 4th of July sale sign to hang in their store next time I visited.

I think that the holiday season is really starting to lose some meaning as I get older. I sleep late on Christmas with no excitement to spur me to waken any earlier than 9 am. I’m sure some of you have kids and are probably pulled out of bed quite early on Christmas mourning; to that all I can say is bwahahaha suckers. (I have a remedy for early waking kids by the way. On Christmas Eve….get them super drunk.) I digress though, I know that after a few weeks I will be able to find my Christmas and holiday spirit (the feeling not the liquor). It won’t be hard to find as most television stations will be playing “The Christmas Story”, “Miracle on 32nd Street’, and claymation Santa and Rudolph for the next 2 months.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

And the Darwin Award Goes to…

Occasionally you see a story that can stand alone and little can be said to make it funnier. This might be one of those stories.

A hand grenade being used instead of a ball in a game of catch exploded early on Saturday killing three youths in this Bosnian town, police and news agencies said.

This might be topped only if they were playing Russian roulette with a semi automatic pistol. I wonder if this game of grenade catch will “catch” on here in the U.S. with our liberal war protestors.

The story leaves out whether they were Albanian or Serbian (I would make up better names for the three if I knew), but I think I can imagine the conversation leading up to this game of catch.

Bosnian 1: Go long!

Bosnian 2: What are you talking about? UNICEF didn’t give us a ball; just a piss poor back pack and some crayons.

Bosnian 1: No I found this in the back yard. It’s round enough. Just let me take off this metal thing hanging down on the side of it.

Bosnian 3: I’m not sure if you should do that. You don’t even know what it is.

Bosnian 1: Don’t be such a pansy. Here we’ll play American football. You play center and snap it to me. You run a slant right. There that metal thing is off. Ready, set, BOOM!

Monday, November 07, 2005

New Contest

Me and B-Cack have been talking about having another contest to win free swag, but that was about as far as we could go. Neither of us have any cool ideas for what the contest should be. This means that I will have a contest, to come up with a contest, to win free swag. Any ideas? Well don’t sit there discussing it with your PC, put it in the comments.

Also, here is a little something to waste a few moments of your time. I was %88 correct and the ones I missed I only averaged 34 miles off.

Friday, November 04, 2005

The Real ‘Poop’

I received an email from Cove Rebel, and because my posts often are reduced to stories about poo, I can’t help but to post this one.

The Mud-shark (aka The Turd)

While fishing in a cove, that had lots of houses close by and a few boats within sight, the ol’ mud-shark started barkin’. No big deal I thought, till it crept out and drew a picture in the bottom of my skivees. In panic, I hopped up onto the back deck, covered myself with a life-jacket, popped open the live well lid and dropped ol’ muddy right into the port box. Pretty slick, I thought, till I realized I had no squat wipe. Well, my skivs were ruined anyhow so I used what was left of them. I put a few bullet weights in the skivs, tossed them over the side and gave them a good salute as they sank slowly towards the bottom.

While I was digging through a storage box for a minnow net to release ol’ muddy, I heard a boat pull up. No kidding, it was the man (game warden)! He asked how I was doin’ and I told him I was just “hangin”. He went through the usual routine, life jacket, fishing liscense, etc. Then he asked if he could look in my live well. I stuttered in disbelief that I hadn’t caught any fish an said “You don’t have to look in there, do ya?” He got real suspicious and a little snotty. I took offense to his attitude and said alright, then pointed to the port live well lid. He opened the lid, stared in for a moment, slammed the lid down, looked up at me and said, “what the f**k is that?” I said, “Sir, that is a mud shark. I’ll put it on the rule if you want, but I’m pretty sure it’ll measure.” The scowl on his face was priceless! He hopped out of my rig, mumbled the he would write a ticket for that if he could and tore off. Laughing myself to tears, I took the minnow net and released ol’ muddy over a brush pile. I “hung out” in the cove for a while longer and went home.

That live well is pretty comfy. I may just have to install a magazine rack in my boat.

Heh, that’s pretty funny. How come I get sent all the poo stories?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Some Advice (Seriously)

I was reading Telebush’s blog, and came across an article he wrote about his self image that struck a chord in me. To give you some background, he’s a former marine who is now getting the higher education that is beneficial to everyone that wants to enter the private workforce. The problem he’s having is one that I think most military have once being discharged from their country’s service. He feels that he’s not being challenged and wonders about his abilities in general (physical, mental, etc.). He was looking for advice on what he could do to feel some self worth and I’m offering some advice.

There was a time shortly after I left the Army that I wanted to get back in. When I received emails from my buddies talking about fire fights and throwing lead into Iraq(u)i’s faces, I wanted to jump into the fray. I never had the chance to be a part of a fire fight, my real world missions were quite uneventful. Why would I want to be a part of it? Because it’s the ultimate test. You and your team pitted against other people and second place receives their medal posthumously. You train so long to fight, that you actually look forward to getting a chance to do it, to find out how tough you are, to find out if you had what it takes to win a battle. I don’t have that as an option anymore. My life belongs to my wife, and she needs me to be the man and take care of her. Although some soldiers can balance a wife and children (B-Cack), I know that I don’t have the strength to do it. Telebush, on the other hand, is currently going to school and really has no one depending on him other than himself. There is nothing stopping him from re-enlisting, other than the opportunity to gain a degree. He’s not feeling challenged by this, and something is missing that he wants to find; a chance to see how much he can take.

So here is my advice for what it’s worth. Finish school. This should be primary goal number one. Get a degree. I can tell you from my own experiences, that there are no jobs in the civilian world for trained killers (the mob doesn’t advertise job openings). Now to help with the immediate problem, find a contact sport that would allow you to compete. True this is only facsimile of real battle but it will exercise the same mental and physical skills that you would have to use. I suggest boxing, jujitsu (they started teaching that in the Army when I got in), or any martial art really. This might be able to give you some outlet for the aggressiveness and competitiveness that you have until after you finish your schooling. I would say boxing would probably be the best choice because of the way the training works and you wouldn’t have to travel to go to bouts.

If after you finish your degree you still crave the challenge, look into going back into the military, but as a warrant officer or an officer, or look at going into the CIA or FBI. With a degree doors will open. Of course this is all dependent on how things work out for you within the next few years. You might find what you are looking for and not need this type of challenge by the time you graduate. If I’m way off on my assessment, then just ignore my advice.

I'm Working On It

I'm working on an insightful post for a neighbor blogger. I’ll have it completed soon (maybe lunchtime). Keep your pants on and have patience. It’s a virtue, you know? Patience that is; not keeping your pants on...but it's a good thing to keep your pants on too.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Time to Set Things STRAIGHT

I left the question post up an extra long time so that there would be no excuse as to why everyone couldn’t get their question in. Now it’s time to enlighten your mind with the asinine. (rhyme intended) Like always, if you are unsatisfied with the answer I give, please send an email to for a refund. To expedite your refund, please hold your breath until I reply.

Pop asks, “How come A big behind the lines infiltrator whose position had never been compromised can't sneak up on a 12 year old on Halloween?”

DPT: The compromise was inevitable. The S2 shop had given bad intel on the objective. Night vision capabilities of the target was underestimated (The kid didn’t have his mask on) and the target had changed positions as I infiltrated (The kid was on the street talking to friends). Also the cover that I was going to be using to close with the target had been greatly reduced by a mad gardener with a hedge trimmer.

Insolublog asks, “What tools will the Nazi party, err um Alliance of Free Blogs use to take fascist control of the blogosphere?”

DPT: Assignments are being handed out now to the faithful minions. It is a gorilla type warfare that we wage and will continue to wage, until the converted outnumber the Puppy Blender’s blogroll. Then it’s on like Donkey Kong.

Steve asks, “I think my brother has "blog envy" how can I help him with this?”

DPT: He might be beyond help now. The problem with blogging is that it’s more addictive than heroin. Try an intervention and remind him that there are a bazillion blogs already running and his would make it a bazillion and one, which would take too much time to write.

Fitch asks, “Why does the administration keep doing their job to deflect from criticism?”

DPT: Bush was never really popular in school. To make up for this, he’s trying his best to gain popularity by appeasing everyone. Some people never learn. Once a dork always a dork I guess.

Fitch asks, “Why do the word verifications contain so many letters. Does it really take 8 characters to foil the spam bots?”

DPT: Those spam bots will attack any blog that doesn’t have at least 8 letters. The spam bot version 1.6 can only be defeated with a word jumble that humans will get wrong %40 of the time. They are tricky that way. Damn you spam bots! Damn you to hell!

Pop asks, “Why have word verification? is this another Karl Rove plot?”

DPT: It looks like a spam bot has attacked my Pop and is trying to get me to turn off the word verification so that it can leave poker and porn ads in the comments. I’ll come over later Pop and explain with a shotgun.

The Conservative UAW Guy asks, “Why do libtards see Nazis and Nazi references everywhere they look?”

DPT: They’re autistic. They’re idiot savants, minus the savant. They have the unique ability to find Nazis everywhere.

Wyatt Earp asks, “We already know about Sulu (George Takei). Are there any other closet homosexuals you wish to "out?"

DPT: I always figured it would be Chekhov that would be the one to smoke pole. I guess the only other famous person that I might have reservation about is Doc Holiday. I think that Big Nose Kate might have been a man.

Peakah asks, “Why do normal people (like us of course) have more common sense than 'Professors' of Multicultural Psychology?Wait, that's way too easy...
how 'bout this one:
What does it mean to be White?”

DPT: I really can’t help you there. I was voted an honorary black man my sophomore year in high school when I was the only white person in my English class.

Fmragtops asks, “Why is it people that you want die (i.e. ex-wives, hippies, and Ted Kennedy)don't die even though they live "high-risk lifestyles?"

DPT: Well the real news is that they are already dead. They are just soulless versions of real people. To kill them, you must decapitate them and burn the bodies, or they will come back.

Pop asks, “Why can't I do a simple little search for boobies on a government computer with out loosing my job, but politicians can Boink interns and get reelected for it.”

DPT: Technically you’re not a government employee. If you were, you can get paid to search for boobies on a computer as long as it’s research for some social study on why so many boobies are on the internet. As for the reelection thing, everyone loves to see a politician get screwed.

Jermcool asks, “Why is it when I left the US, I managed to leave one liberal nation (at the time) for one that became even worse (NZ - see legalization of prostitution, gay marriage, etc). And now I can't leave!!!”

DPT: There are people living in NZ? I thought it was just hobbits and goblins. You learn something new everyday.

Uber asks, “Is it a cruel conspiracy that the word lisp contains an s? If so, who do you suggest is at the bottom of this conspiracy?”

DPT: It’s no more cruel to have an “s” in lisp than to make people that stutter have to say speech impediment” As for conspiracies, it’s either the Joooos, Karl Rove, or corporations. Take your pick, any of these will do.

A4G asks, “How will Sam Alito's mob ties help out in his Supreme Court decisions?”

DPT: I’m hoping that Alito will just toss a bottle of Chivas and a fish wrapped in a newspaper where Ted Kennedy sat, but I’m thinking that wont happen. Instead I’m betting that they wont hold the confirmation hearing until the day of his daughter’s wedding, then he’s screwed.

Mensa Barbie asks, “Are the citizen’s of United States entitled to elect a Supreme Court justice, or is there going to have to be hoop-jumping first?”

DPT: Glad to see you again Mensa. Having worked within the government before, I can tell you that nothing can be done with out some sort of hoop jumping. “Hoop jumpers, hit it!” (Airborne joke) Not only will there be hoops to jump, but they will have to be jumped in triplicate and verified by an independent committee.

Gunnnut asks, “When you're elected to whatever office you stroll for, will you issue "Deathcards" like Fmragtops blogged about? That would be hella-kewl!”

DPT: I’m all for random killing of idiots. I’m all for the death cards as long as “This reduction in idiocy has been brought to you by the police department” was written on every card, and Gunnnut is a woman. (Threw that in there just to make sure everyone knew.)

DanFan asks, “What is Phat Tony Trained Killer's favorite Muppet Character, and why?”

DPT: Good question. All of this answer is in Jim Henson era context. Since his death the muppets have gone down hill. I really think Gonzo is a misunderstood genius, and that out of all of the muppets he was the most interesting. Of course disregarding his fetish for chickens. I think it was Adam Sandler that said “If an egg can fit there why can’t I?” and that’s just gross.

Tyler D. asks, “Is Wyatt Earp one of those closet homosexuals he speaks of?”

DPT: I’m not saying he is, but he did hang out with Doc Holiday a lot. Wink wink nudge nudge.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I've Got an Answer for You

Yay! It's the Tuesday you get to pick my brain. No subject this time, it's going to be a free for all. Anything you want to know about, I'm ready here with all my reference material (World Weekly and dictionary). You know the deal. If you ask a question, I'll give out some links and then give you an answer that only I could come up with. I'll answer the questions sometime in the afternoon, so don't be indicted delay with your questions.