Wednesday, November 23, 2005

History of Thanksgiving


The story of Thanksgiving starts much earlier than the first Thanksgiving in 1621. Long before the Euros, at the first Thanksgiving were called Pilgrims, they were called Snake Handlers by the Church of England. They were persecuted because of their refusal to drink wine with communion (they opted for grape juice) and the fact that they often danced with snakes to prove their faith in God, much like the hillbillies in Tennessee. After being ridiculed for their behavior for many years, the Snake Handler’s decided they needed to find a place where they could drink their grape juice in peace. They decided to move to the Netherlands after hearing that a lot of people that did not agree with the Catholic Church had moved their to gain access to birth control and also were able to read the Bible in the vernacular (vernacular means street slang) instead of Latin which was the only way you were going to get it from the Catholics. Most of the church reformers at the time were tired of hearing “Odgay oveslay ouyay.” and “Asspay the ollectioncay ateplay”. The Snake Handlers settled in the Netherlands but were immediately disappointed by the amount of prostitution and drug abuse. This is when they decided they needed a whole new place away from everyone to be able to continue doing the snake dance.

The boarded a ship called the Gayflower but quickly had the captain, named Cecil, change the name to Mayflower for reasons still unknown. After the hasty renaming of the Mayflower they set sail to the New World, now called “The People’s Republic of Massachusetts”. The Snake Handler’s also decided to change their collective name to Pilgrims. The choice of the name Pilgrim was chosen for two reasons. One, they wanted to avoid the stigma gained in England which was associated with Snake Handler and two, Pilgrim was much shorter. The hardships that the Pilgrims endured in the first year were too many to count. It turned out that none of the Pilgrims had any skill besides praying and dancing with snakes. These skills just weren’t enough to gain money to put food on the table. Now the Indians, which were staying on the reservation not far away, were sympathetic to the plight of the Pilgrims. The Indians had found many ways to gain profits in the new world. Besides the casino on the reservation, they also had duty free cigarettes and “fire water”. Besides these, they also made a small fortune selling Peyote for “Religious purposes”. After seeing the Pilgrims fail at making money with their praying and dancing, the Indians decided to show the Pilgrims some skills that might make them some money. They took the Pilgrims on a team building retreat and showed them how to make dream catchers and ceramic statues of eagles and buffalos. This turned into a lucrative business for the Pilgrims. To show their appreciation for the Indians teaching them how to survive, they decided to have a party where everyone brought green bean casserole or candied yams with raisons. For the center piece they decided to find the ugliest bird and kill it. People have been eating turkey on Thanksgiving since. While eating turkey, green bean casserole, and candied yams they also watched football, which is now a mainstay in modern Thanksgiving tradition. Although the good relationship didn’t last between the Pilgrims and the Indians (They killed most of them the next year for being heathen Satan worshipers), we still celebrate their party of thanks every year.

This history lesson was brought to you by outcome based education.


History Disovery of America

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30 Comments:

At 11:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving ya'll!!




First!!

 
At 12:27 PM, Blogger Peakah said...

I wuz wonderin' where the candied yams with raisons came from!

During the football game did the Pilgrims allow there to be an Indian mascot? Or were they afraid of offending the NYC liberals? I'm sure that they never allowed the mascot on TV anyway back then. I've never seen one!

Awesome history lesson Dr!

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Doc:

YOU have teh funny!

Happy Thanksgiving, BTW!

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger Daniel Levesque said...

Oh dear. Some poor child is going to read this, not realize it's a joke, and write his report based off of it.
.
.
.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

www.ravingconservative.com

 
At 3:00 PM, Blogger Uber said...

You have the power of teh funny!

This year when we're all eatin' ugly bird, dancing with snakes and playin' poker...we should definitely be thankful that we can. *sniff*

 
At 4:44 PM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

HA! What Uber said.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger a4g said...

I can't believe I fell for all that crap they taught me in skool!

First the "living document"...

Now this.

I'm so glad there are Doctors who know about this stuff.

 
At 7:23 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Classic Phat history DPT (LOL!)

Of course here in the People's Republic of MA, the tough love America crowd never fails to remind us that we dropped biological WMD on the indians by way of smallpox. Of course all of us, who are most likely born of immigrants, are somehow still to blame.

So when will the public school book publishers be buying a license to your history swag?

 
At 3:27 AM, Anonymous Jo said...

Have a great Thanksgiving darling!

 
At 4:55 AM, Blogger Toni said...

Yikes! I didn't know I was living around a bunch of snakehandlers. You gave me great giggle for gobble gobble day. Just a note of the serious(yeah soooo). My previous home state (Minnesota) had outcome based teaching - what a hoax that is, took a hard fought 8 years to get rid of it. Love those unions, they own the Democrats.

 
At 7:33 AM, Blogger Contagion said...

Funny stuff. Happy Thanksgiving!

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger Daniel Levesque said...

Happy Thansgiving Tony!

 
At 5:03 PM, Blogger Frank Galvin said...

I'm beginning to think that this site is a front for one or all of the following:

1) American Nazi Party (ANP)
2) secret, right-wing militia group stockpiling weapons somwehere in AL.
3) Republican White People's Party (aka The Order)
4) Church o Holiness meets Solider of Fortune Magazine
5) Benny Hinn's Hitler Youth group
etc, etc

Long live liberalism and the truth!!

FG

 
At 12:06 AM, Blogger SeanS said...

I don't know if I can follow up on 'frank the troll' but, Happy Thanksgiving DPT! I gotta go eat the centerpiece now.

And Frank, we are #4 with a little #2 mixed in.

 
At 8:03 AM, Blogger Frank Galvin said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 10:28 AM, Blogger Uber said...

Why, Mister FG...were you to stand in my yard and say that I'd shoot you dead...rifle in one hand n mah bible in the other... course I'd be schweet n wear daisy dukes for the occasion. ;)

Hope your holiday was nice and you didn't choke to death on your turkey while ranting about GD bible thumpers or anything. haha

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger GunnNutt said...

The "Gayflower". HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Phat History Rules!

 
At 5:25 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Wikipedia - n Internet terminology, a troll is a person who posts inflammatory messages on the internet, such as on online discussion forums, to disrupt discussion or to upset its participants.

Judging by your intial post, where you summarily itemize, categorize, generalize and insult all the readers of this blog, you FG, are a troll.

 
At 8:06 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Sorry Frank but you're not alowed to curse. That's reserved for people that have proven to me that they've served.

 
At 7:34 AM, Blogger Frank Galvin said...

DPT: I am allowed to curse because you know that I served because you know me personally!!

Insolublog: I do not ALWAYS post inflammatory remarks. I suppose that only one point of view (conservatism) is allowed in this blog.

DPT: Lastly, I am very, VERY shocked you deleted one of my comments DPT. I thought we had a nice personal relationship outside this blog. I guess someone threw out the First Amendment when I was sleeping.

Uber:
What a abominable thing to say. But I bet THAT comment won't get deleted.

FG

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Hey you have to follow the rules. I missed spoke when I said veterans it's for currently serving. Here are the rules posted July 30. Believe when I say I've done it before to conservatives as far as free speach goes sure I'm all for it, but it doesn't trump my property rights. Just rewrite it and edit the cursing. He11 even I don't curse on this thing. Oh and for later...ALL IN.

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Here is the link

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger Frank Galvin said...

Now I understand everything. It is crystal clear!

http://frankgalvin.blogspot.com/

FG

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Threw out the first amendment?

Did congress pass a law suppressing free speech here at DPT's blog? Have grievances with the government been denied? Is DPT a government power?

It seems a lot has changed while I was not watching.

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Once upon a time, there was a post about Thanksgiving.....

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger Uber said...

Aw c'mon FG...I've threatened to stab practically everyone here while they were complimenting me, not one of them cried. It's all outa love. Honest!

I see my prayers were obviously answered and you're still alive. :)

 
At 12:20 PM, Blogger Frank Galvin said...

Insolublog: DPT blog may not be a government, but it seeks to be one.

I understand your point; the only redress against amendment violations is when it's the government doing it. I am pointing out however that the government of the U.S. believes in free speech (on the surface anyways...we never see any titties on regular television..damn the FCC!!) and so do I. You have the right to spew your garbage on this blog...but I should also have the right to talk about the truth when I post in here...without it being censored.

DPT: I think Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday (back on topic).

Uber: It's all out of love? Can you ever love me?

For those of you have haven't seen what I know about you all, go to this link:
http://frankgalvin.blogspot.com/

FG - yer best pal & buddy

 
At 7:46 AM, Blogger PoP said...

Did I hear some one say Boobies? I realy hate to say this, but I think I am begining to like Frank. I must not be well today.

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger FIAR said...

Phat History rules! Premium DPT once again.

 
At 5:43 PM, Blogger Wes said...

LMAO!

 

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