History of Thanksgiving
The story of Thanksgiving starts much earlier than the first Thanksgiving in 1621. Long before the Euros, at the first Thanksgiving were called Pilgrims, they were called Snake Handlers by the Church of England. They were persecuted because of their refusal to drink wine with communion (they opted for grape juice) and the fact that they often danced with snakes to prove their faith in God, much like the hillbillies in Tennessee. After being ridiculed for their behavior for many years, the Snake Handler’s decided they needed to find a place where they could drink their grape juice in peace. They decided to move to the Netherlands after hearing that a lot of people that did not agree with the Catholic Church had moved their to gain access to birth control and also were able to read the Bible in the vernacular (vernacular means street slang) instead of Latin which was the only way you were going to get it from the Catholics. Most of the church reformers at the time were tired of hearing “Odgay oveslay ouyay.” and “Asspay the ollectioncay ateplay”. The Snake Handlers settled in the Netherlands but were immediately disappointed by the amount of prostitution and drug abuse. This is when they decided they needed a whole new place away from everyone to be able to continue doing the snake dance.
The boarded a ship called the Gayflower but quickly had the captain, named Cecil, change the name to Mayflower for reasons still unknown. After the hasty renaming of the Mayflower they set sail to the New World, now called “The People’s Republic of Massachusetts”. The Snake Handler’s also decided to change their collective name to Pilgrims. The choice of the name Pilgrim was chosen for two reasons. One, they wanted to avoid the stigma gained in England which was associated with Snake Handler and two, Pilgrim was much shorter. The hardships that the Pilgrims endured in the first year were too many to count. It turned out that none of the Pilgrims had any skill besides praying and dancing with snakes. These skills just weren’t enough to gain money to put food on the table. Now the Indians, which were staying on the reservation not far away, were sympathetic to the plight of the Pilgrims. The Indians had found many ways to gain profits in the new world. Besides the casino on the reservation, they also had duty free cigarettes and “fire water”. Besides these, they also made a small fortune selling Peyote for “Religious purposes”. After seeing the Pilgrims fail at making money with their praying and dancing, the Indians decided to show the Pilgrims some skills that might make them some money. They took the Pilgrims on a team building retreat and showed them how to make dream catchers and ceramic statues of eagles and buffalos. This turned into a lucrative business for the Pilgrims. To show their appreciation for the Indians teaching them how to survive, they decided to have a party where everyone brought green bean casserole or candied yams with raisons. For the center piece they decided to find the ugliest bird and kill it. People have been eating turkey on Thanksgiving since. While eating turkey, green bean casserole, and candied yams they also watched football, which is now a mainstay in modern Thanksgiving tradition. Although the good relationship didn’t last between the Pilgrims and the Indians (They killed most of them the next year for being heathen Satan worshipers), we still celebrate their party of thanks every year.
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