Merry...Whatever. Here's Your Presents
Sorry it took a while to get the answers out to all of your wonderful questions. I’m sure that the importance level of these questions was so high that it pained you to wait this long. I do want to remind everyone that hasn’t voted for me yet to go and do so (I’m not in the top ten anymore). Just remember to add me to your favorites through the Milblog site to vote. As always the answers are not a contract between me and you. If my answers don’t satisfy you, get bent, ‘cause that’s all your getting. Who’s in charge here anyway?
Telebush asks, “Do atheists exchange gifts at Christmas? What about Satanist?”
DPT: Atheist actually exchange dirty looks for Christmas. When you believe that evolution is the reason that people are here, you have to be careful that your young don’t kill you and take over the family hoping to pass on their genes instead of yours. As far as Satanists go; just go ask them yourself. They hang out at the Democratic Underground.
The Anti-Hippie asks, “what's with the Easter bunny and those eggs? is it some kind of mutant bunny/chicken (hereafter referred to as a bicken)? and does the bicken report directly to Darth Rove himself? “
DPT: There is an easier explanation than a conspiracy.
Insolublog asks, “How will lawyers profit from the fact that doctors can't find needles long enough to penetrate so many buttocks? “
DPT: Heh. “Too much junk in your trunk for medicine to be effective? Have you had strep throat persist even after you received you shot of penicillin in your ample posterior? If you have, call 1800-ILL-SUE-U”
Dan Fan asks, “When is National Naked Day? And what activities take place on this day?”
DPT: National Naked Day was a great scheme that went sour thanks to my Pop. My wife, being an emigrant, didn’t know about all the American holidays. I had her almost convinced that National Naked Day was coming up and she would have to stay home and be naked all day. I had her call my Pop for verification and he went along with at first but then blew it and told the truth. Damn you Pop, damn you I say.
Contagion asks, “If there is a separation of Church and State, why is Christmas (An obviously religious holiday) a Federal holiday?”
DPT: Federal employees will use any excuse to have a long weekend. As far as separation of Church and State it’s mandatory in Alabama for there to be at least 4 blocks between churches and state owned buildings. Letter of the law, if not the spirit.
Stella Piccolo, the proud owner of a Vote for Phat Tony button, asks, What is Santa bringing me this year?
DPT: I’ve looked at your list then called Santa. He told me he can’t quite make out the second thing on your list, so he’ll be getting you this.
Tyler D asks, “What is...
The air speed velocity of an African swallow wearing a Santa hat???”
DPT: Do you want that in KMPH, MPH, or NMPH?
Steve asks, “Doc,
Why does my wife get mad when I give her great gifts for Christmas like: Vacuum Cleaners, Toasters, Waffle Makers, coffee makers, etc.. “
DPT: If you keep getting her things to make her work easier she will soon be out of a job and have nothing to do with her time besides drinking. I suggest buying her golf cleats this year so that she can wash the car even when there is ice on the driveway.
Fmragtops asks, “Why the hell does Santa Clause quit coming when you stop believing in him? “
DPT: You probably haven’t written him a letter lately. Try writing one like Stella did. You might want to change number 2 on the list though. I’m not saying you have to…I’m not judging you.
KateyKakes asks, “I have yet to figure out Kwanzaa. Can you help?”
DPT: Unfortunately this question might best be answered by the world’s smartest man. I just don’t have the intellect needed to understand something as stupid as Kwanzaa.
Daniel Levesque asks, “Should whiskey be added to the list of holiday drinks so it can receive official recognition for it place among eggnog and hot chocolate as one of the most consumed beverages of the holiday season?”
DPT: Whiskey should be added to everything, not just lists. It already has a place in the most consumed beverage for holidays. Here is a good shopping tip for you on whiskey, if you can afford it.
A4G asks, “What special holidays are celebrated by hat-wearing, pipe-smoking chimps?
And how come we can't get presents on all twelve days of Christmas, like on the eight days of Chanukah?
And how come there are so many damn ways to spell Hanukkah anyway?
DPT: Obviously, the chimp is Hindu and would celebrate Hanuman’s birthday. You know Christians, our attention span is so small we wouldn’t be able to handle more than one day of Christmas. I prefer spelling it Chanukah. That way I can mispronounce it on purpose, but I think that it’s spelled a million different ways because no one actually speaks Hebrew.
Peakah asks, “Why will half the dogs in America receive Christmas presents this year, yet few of us pause to consider the miserable life of the pig--an animal easily as intelligent as a dog--that becomes the Christmas ham?”
DPT: I’m betting that just as many dogs will be served at Christmas this year by all the Chinese restaurants that are open on Christmas day.
Lil’ B-Cack asks, “How come whenever you see a "holiday" commercial on tv nowadays, they can never utter the word "Christmas" it always has to be holidays or "Chrismahanakwazanah" or something like that? Is it cause of the smelly, retarded liberals? Or JOOS? Is it because of the joooooosssss?”
DPT: they don’t dare utter the word Christmas for fear of the evil, Christmas eating monster, ACLU-agator. This monster preys on companies that dare utter religious phrases during Christmas.
Wyatt Earp asks, “How come Lowe's is selling "Holiday Trees," but is also posting a similar sign in Spanish that they have "Christmas Trees" on sale? Why is it okay to offend English-speaking Christians, but not illegals?
Oh, and Happy Rama-Hanu-Kwanz-Mas!”
DPT: Lowes is racist obviously. I guess they just buy into the stereo type that all Mexicans are Catholic. You can’t offend a Christian. We’re not real people. Just ask the ACLU and the Democrats.
Uber asks, “If I ask you if I can ask two questions will you say
"Can you vote for me twice?"
If you were in charge, how would public school children be expected to celebrate Christmas, and why does my grandma not allow "blatant" drinking of alcoholic beverages over the holidays even if everyone already knows that's what you're drinking, but it's ok as long as you don't admit that that's what you're drinking?”
DPT: Children would have to have some sort of Christmas pageant, where they dress up like something to celebrate whatever holiday they buy into. Atheist children can dress up like an amebas or monkeys. Your Grandmother is trying to get you to act like a lady. I’m sure in her time you had to go to someone’s cellar and use code words to get a drink.
Gunnnut (A WOMAN) asks, “How come there aren't any Christian holidays that last more than one day? Every other religion has holidays that span weeks!”
DPT: I might have already answered this question, but it’s our short attention span. Plus do you really need any more stress?
Fiar asks, “Why do I get sick on every. single. holiday. ever?”
DPT: You must have already taken Daniel’s advice and added whiskey to the top of the list of Holiday libations (That’s a $2 word and I’m expecting it in the donation box).
Conservative UAW Guy asks, “Is Hanukkah really just a week where the Jooooos solidify and tweak their plans for world domination, or is this just propaganda put forth by Cindy Shrillhan and the Nation of Islam?”
DPT: How much do you know? Don’t make me send G.I. Jew and his hit squad to your house.