Well I’m glad everybody participated but now I have a lot of ‘splainin to do. I might eventually have to start picking and choosing what questions I answer. I think that 24 might be the maximum that I can answer and still have time to drink my coffee in the morning. Anyway, as always all my answers are probably to stupid to be used in a malpractice suit, so if you want to waste your money on a lawyer go right ahead and bring it.
Fitch asks, “Why is it that when Liberals say that the world doesn't have a favorable opinion of America, what they really mean is FRANCE doesn't have a favorable opinion of America?”
DPT: I blame this on public schooling and the lack of lessons on geography. My wife is from Poland and she has told some people this only to have the reply, “Isn’t that in Germany.” Normally this would be a funny joke, but the people that say stupid things like that aren’t meaning to make a joke. For most Americans Europe=France or Germany.
Wyatt Earp asks, “Why does English food suck, but their beer rock?
DPT: It’s cause and effect really. They have to have good beer so they can get drunk enough to eat baked beans on toast and spotted dick. How many beers would it take for you to eat dick, Wyatt?
Jimmyb the CUG asks, “Why does Europe suck? Except for some of their beer?
DPT: The beer is to overcompensate for their suckiness. It’s like an inverse; the taste of the beer is the inverse for the amount that Euros suck. Let’s not ask them to improve themselves. I would hate to see the beer turn into water.
DanFan asks, “If you go into the bathroom American, and come out of the bathroom America, what are you in the bathroom?”
DPT: You could be a couple of thing, Yourapein’, Yourapoopin’, Yourapukin, or Youratakin’ advantage of some drunk ladies inhibitions.
Yoshiko Karasuma asks, “What would you say is the best thing to see/try out (sightseeing and food that is) in Europe? Do you recommend being posted there, even for a married troop?”
DPT: Castles are cool, so are the old cathedrals but those get old quick. Europe is just old, you get used to seeing buildings older than America. The coolest thing I saw was Hitler’s summer home The Eagles Nest. They still have the guest book there and bullet holes from when the Americans finally made it to the top. As for married troops living there, it’s a tough call. There is lots of drinking and womanizing to be done and I’m thinking that this might not be conducive to a good marriage.
Contagion asks, “So what exactly do you know about European generals?”
DPT: Besides that a European General is sort of like having a person playing the accordion in a band filled with people that only play the bagpipes, nothing. They would be just as useless and annoying as the armies they lead.
Insolublog asks, “Why do Europeans bow to greasy hippies and Marxists, but refuse to prostrate themselves before the mighty American Global Empire?”
DPT: Hippies and Marxist have the ability to make signs and chant catchy rhymes. The best America can do is drop bombs and play hip-hop on the radio. You have to admit hippies and Marxists with signs chanting in large numbers is a scary thing.
Pop asks, “Why does gas cost more per liter than we pay per gallon yet their cars can go over 100 miles per hour on the autobaun legaly?”
DPT: It’s the only way they can keep Germany from invading surrounding countries. They have to keep the gas prices high enough to make it too expensive for the Germans to go anywhere. As for them going so fast, Europeans go nowhere faster than anyone else.
Millman asks, “Why do the libs and gays want to take my God out of everything? Will Ohio State Beat scUM? And why is there so many out to get us (repubs)?
DPT: The first one is easy; God doesn’t vote Democrat. Forget Ohio State for a second the Alabama/Auburn game is on this weekend. When you say “get”, you mean take away your soap, right?
Fmragtops asks, “So what exactly do you know about European genitals? Does Europe suck as bad as it looks like it sucks on TV? “
DPT: If you’re looking for an anatomy lesson I suggest you and your dad sit down and have “the talk”. With that said, most of the German men seem to be lacking testicles. I’ve not seen this with my own eyes, but from the way they back down at the slightest hint of a fight, there is good cause to believe that they’re not there. Every place in Europe I’ve been to has been a lot of fun. The women dig Americans, you can buy a beer everywhere, and the guys aren’t tough enough to keep you from taking their girlfriends.
Lingerie Lady asks, “Do the French really smell that bad - or is it just the smoke?”
DPT: I think that it’s a close race between the Turkish and the French for
smelliest people. I suggest staying off public transportation. Remember when that report came out about Alzheimer patients having an elevated amount of aluminum; those two types of people put too much faith in the report and discarded the antiperspirants (active ingredient aluminum).
A4G asks, “How exactly can French police tell whether a Peugeot is burning due to rioting, or just spontaneously went up?”
DPT: Pre-curfew burnings are chalked up to spontaneous combustion. Post-curfew burnings are cause by youths who are disenfranchised and can be extinguished by giving them more entitlements.
Steve asks, “I think Europe has Freedom Envy, what do you think?”
DPT: I’ve always thought it was more on the line of being frustrated because their women love American men.
Tyler D asks, “Did you manage to destroy any good cars in Europe?”
DPT: I actually have a funny story about a wreck I was in, but it will have to wait till tomorrow to give it the proper write up in a Phat History Lesson.
Pop asks, “Why do german women have hairy arm pits?”
DPT: Pop, I’m not sure if it was because you were married while living in Germany and didn’t get a chance to “mingle with the culture” like me or that the times have changed but…how can I put this nicely…ahem…oh…I had never seen a bald eagle in person till I went to Germany.
Peakah asks, “Is it true that God invented beer to keep the Irish from ruling the Earth? Or at least ruling the EU?”
DPT: Actually you have it mixed up. God invented the Irish to show the rest of the world what a country will turn into if you fill it with short tempered violent drunks.
Lil’ B-Cack asks, “How much havoc did my favorite brother, B-Cack, reak on the the Euroes and their homeland? I know he is holding out on me. What all did he do that I didnt' hear about???
DPT: B-Cack was a perfect gentleman the whole time I knew him. Now, Mario on the other hand…oh the stories I could tell.
A4G asks, “How much does the French government spend to keep the Paris Metro "Urinal Fresh" at all times? Do they have to process and concentrate hobo urine to maintain the consistent odor?”
DPT: That’s the beauty of it. It’s a standard feature on all Euro public transportation.
Gunnnutt asks, “Pop took my question! I'll just ask it a different way. How expensive are razors in Europe?”
DPT: To help keep American culture out of Europe, anything that Americans use has an unbelievable mark up. That’s why razors, soap, and deodorant are so expensive. Oh, and Gunnnut is a woman.
Mukrz asks, “Snoop Dogg has been to Europe. Does his statement, "Bitches aint shit but ho's and trix" hold true in Europe, too? Did you ever go to the Hauptbahnhof in Frankfurt to watch the addicts shoot up? Why is it that Europeans think that religion is something that is a private matter in contrast to US? How many country points did you get in Europe?”
DPT: Don’t think for a second that you can get me in trouble with that line Mukrz. As far as the heroine fiends, on of the first things I saw in Frankfurt was some one shooting up in the middle of the sidewalk. Now, you know that religion is so intertwined with the culture in Europe that it’s silly. The judges wear crosses around their necks in Poland. Country points? If you are referring to the notches on my bed post, then I’m sorry, I’m too much of a gentleman to kiss and tell.
Megabrad asks, “Does all of Europe smell like p*ss, or just the high class parts where the rich Euro-peons live?”
DPT: Surprisingly, it seemed to me that only the men smelled of BO and urine. This fact probably was the reason why American men do so well over there.
Mensa Barbie asks, “Is there any truth to the rumor that we were offered 'the rioters in exchange for the Hollywood anti-Americans?'”
DPT: The rioter exchange program has been an utter disaster since it’s inception. While the rioters are more than happy to come to America, the Hollywood types only talk as if Europe is great. Once they get there and have to anti up on the taxes they hop the next flight back to the states where they can complain about the rich not paying their fair share.