Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Time to Set Things STRAIGHT

I left the question post up an extra long time so that there would be no excuse as to why everyone couldn’t get their question in. Now it’s time to enlighten your mind with the asinine. (rhyme intended) Like always, if you are unsatisfied with the answer I give, please send an email to for a refund. To expedite your refund, please hold your breath until I reply.

Pop asks, “How come A big behind the lines infiltrator whose position had never been compromised can't sneak up on a 12 year old on Halloween?”

DPT: The compromise was inevitable. The S2 shop had given bad intel on the objective. Night vision capabilities of the target was underestimated (The kid didn’t have his mask on) and the target had changed positions as I infiltrated (The kid was on the street talking to friends). Also the cover that I was going to be using to close with the target had been greatly reduced by a mad gardener with a hedge trimmer.

Insolublog asks, “What tools will the Nazi party, err um Alliance of Free Blogs use to take fascist control of the blogosphere?”

DPT: Assignments are being handed out now to the faithful minions. It is a gorilla type warfare that we wage and will continue to wage, until the converted outnumber the Puppy Blender’s blogroll. Then it’s on like Donkey Kong.

Steve asks, “I think my brother has "blog envy" how can I help him with this?”

DPT: He might be beyond help now. The problem with blogging is that it’s more addictive than heroin. Try an intervention and remind him that there are a bazillion blogs already running and his would make it a bazillion and one, which would take too much time to write.

Fitch asks, “Why does the administration keep doing their job to deflect from criticism?”

DPT: Bush was never really popular in school. To make up for this, he’s trying his best to gain popularity by appeasing everyone. Some people never learn. Once a dork always a dork I guess.

Fitch asks, “Why do the word verifications contain so many letters. Does it really take 8 characters to foil the spam bots?”

DPT: Those spam bots will attack any blog that doesn’t have at least 8 letters. The spam bot version 1.6 can only be defeated with a word jumble that humans will get wrong %40 of the time. They are tricky that way. Damn you spam bots! Damn you to hell!

Pop asks, “Why have word verification? is this another Karl Rove plot?”

DPT: It looks like a spam bot has attacked my Pop and is trying to get me to turn off the word verification so that it can leave poker and porn ads in the comments. I’ll come over later Pop and explain with a shotgun.

The Conservative UAW Guy asks, “Why do libtards see Nazis and Nazi references everywhere they look?”

DPT: They’re autistic. They’re idiot savants, minus the savant. They have the unique ability to find Nazis everywhere.

Wyatt Earp asks, “We already know about Sulu (George Takei). Are there any other closet homosexuals you wish to "out?"

DPT: I always figured it would be Chekhov that would be the one to smoke pole. I guess the only other famous person that I might have reservation about is Doc Holiday. I think that Big Nose Kate might have been a man.

Peakah asks, “Why do normal people (like us of course) have more common sense than 'Professors' of Multicultural Psychology?Wait, that's way too easy...
how 'bout this one:
What does it mean to be White?”

DPT: I really can’t help you there. I was voted an honorary black man my sophomore year in high school when I was the only white person in my English class.

Fmragtops asks, “Why is it people that you want die (i.e. ex-wives, hippies, and Ted Kennedy)don't die even though they live "high-risk lifestyles?"

DPT: Well the real news is that they are already dead. They are just soulless versions of real people. To kill them, you must decapitate them and burn the bodies, or they will come back.

Pop asks, “Why can't I do a simple little search for boobies on a government computer with out loosing my job, but politicians can Boink interns and get reelected for it.”

DPT: Technically you’re not a government employee. If you were, you can get paid to search for boobies on a computer as long as it’s research for some social study on why so many boobies are on the internet. As for the reelection thing, everyone loves to see a politician get screwed.

Jermcool asks, “Why is it when I left the US, I managed to leave one liberal nation (at the time) for one that became even worse (NZ - see legalization of prostitution, gay marriage, etc). And now I can't leave!!!”

DPT: There are people living in NZ? I thought it was just hobbits and goblins. You learn something new everyday.

Uber asks, “Is it a cruel conspiracy that the word lisp contains an s? If so, who do you suggest is at the bottom of this conspiracy?”

DPT: It’s no more cruel to have an “s” in lisp than to make people that stutter have to say speech impediment” As for conspiracies, it’s either the Joooos, Karl Rove, or corporations. Take your pick, any of these will do.

A4G asks, “How will Sam Alito's mob ties help out in his Supreme Court decisions?”

DPT: I’m hoping that Alito will just toss a bottle of Chivas and a fish wrapped in a newspaper where Ted Kennedy sat, but I’m thinking that wont happen. Instead I’m betting that they wont hold the confirmation hearing until the day of his daughter’s wedding, then he’s screwed.

Mensa Barbie asks, “Are the citizen’s of United States entitled to elect a Supreme Court justice, or is there going to have to be hoop-jumping first?”

DPT: Glad to see you again Mensa. Having worked within the government before, I can tell you that nothing can be done with out some sort of hoop jumping. “Hoop jumpers, hit it!” (Airborne joke) Not only will there be hoops to jump, but they will have to be jumped in triplicate and verified by an independent committee.

Gunnnut asks, “When you're elected to whatever office you stroll for, will you issue "Deathcards" like Fmragtops blogged about? That would be hella-kewl!”

DPT: I’m all for random killing of idiots. I’m all for the death cards as long as “This reduction in idiocy has been brought to you by the police department” was written on every card, and Gunnnut is a woman. (Threw that in there just to make sure everyone knew.)

DanFan asks, “What is Phat Tony Trained Killer's favorite Muppet Character, and why?”

DPT: Good question. All of this answer is in Jim Henson era context. Since his death the muppets have gone down hill. I really think Gonzo is a misunderstood genius, and that out of all of the muppets he was the most interesting. Of course disregarding his fetish for chickens. I think it was Adam Sandler that said “If an egg can fit there why can’t I?” and that’s just gross.

Tyler D. asks, “Is Wyatt Earp one of those closet homosexuals he speaks of?”

DPT: I’m not saying he is, but he did hang out with Doc Holiday a lot. Wink wink nudge nudge.


At 6:16 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

'They’re idiot savants, minus the savant.'

This post venue is where your talent really shows Doctor Phat Tony.

At 6:42 AM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

Doc and Ty - That was a very entertaining and insightful question and answer. The bombing begins in five minutes!

To prove my manhood, I hereby volunteer to make love to (and ultimately disappoint) GunnNutt, Uber, and Mensa Barbie. In all it should take about two and a half minutes.

At 7:33 AM, Blogger Telebush said...

Well done this week... not that there has been a week where it isn't well done... but Good Job.

At 9:48 AM, Blogger millman said...


I missed the question post. This sucks, things get busy at work and I miss it.

I feel like shooting a libtard.

At 10:16 AM, Blogger PoP said...

Very good son. This was one of your best. I was a little disappointed in you passing blame to poor intel, you should be trained well enough to think around corners. but then I have been training the 12 year old. I'll take it as a compliment.

At 11:58 AM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

Good answer Doc.

Wyatt- BRING IT ON!!!

At 1:05 PM, Blogger a4g said...

Excellent, Doctor. Waiting anxiously for the next one.

At 1:52 PM, Blogger Uber said...

Dude, blogger is screwy with your comments or there's an incoming message from Rove. Yay! Something exciting always happens when Rove's around.

Anyhow, "They’re idiot savants, minus the savant" is a hilarious classic that should be engraved somewhere (DNC HQ, anyone?) to be remembered throughout the centuries.

Another priceless Q&A!

At 3:24 PM, Anonymous linda said...

Wyatt, is that true? I had no idea!

At 3:25 PM, Anonymous Fitch said...

"The spam bot version 1.6 can only be defeated with a word jumble that humans will get wrong %40 of the time."

DPT, that's one of your best lines ever. I wholeheartedly concurr with Insol, when he said, "This post venue is where your talent really shows Doctor Phat Tony."

Bravo, Doc.

At 3:31 PM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

Lin, I exaggerated. I'd say it would take about four minutes. I forgot to factor in the time it takes me to undress. Heh.

At 5:54 PM, Blogger GunnNutt said...

I think extending your office hours really paid off. This was a terrific (and revealing!) Q&A.

Wyatt - I've got a date w/Fmragtops & jessi, but after that...

At 7:42 PM, Anonymous mensa B said...

DPT: You are a total classic! one of the funniest ever!.. In fact, I just put a letter "A" in front of your name, on my blogroll.. (*,,,,,*)
(SA wouldn't fit.) lol...I'm just kidding!
ps: I took notes here, & these were my favorites..
>minus the savant
>%40 of the time
>“Hoop jumpers, hit it!” (Airborne joke)
>hobbits and goblins
>daughter’s wedding
>by the police department


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