Friday, November 18, 2005

Wreckin’ Crew (A Phat History Lesson)

To answer TylerD’s question: “Did you manage to destroy any good cars in Europe?”:

There I was, no sh**, on my way to Phulledorf, transporting people to the International Long Range Surveillance school. I was driving an American made 8 passenger van filled with 6 airborne long range surveillance soldiers and all their equipment. It was January and strange enough, Germany is backwards, as you drive south it gets colder. Stupid Germans. So it’s snowing and the time is passing by slowly. I have to drive super slow, because the roads have ice on them. All was going well until I went into a chicane, and felt the van going sideways into the oncoming lane. Decision time. Should I step on the gas and try to pull out of it in a rear wheel drive van, or step on the breaks and let the antilock breaks slow me down enough I stop before the van goes all the way across the road? It turns out, it probably didn’t matter. That much weight moving sideways on ice, nothing was going to keep me from sliding. It happened slow enough to let everyone no that we were about to have an accident. I think I said “No! No! No!” and shortly after me explaining our predicament, I hit a Volkswagen headed in the opposite direction.

So now the van has finally stopped and it looks good in the yard I parked it in. The Volkswagen is maybe 50 meters behind us also parked in the same yard. I get out to inspect the damage to the van. It’s not bad. The fender and the headlight will need to be replaced, but in all fairly minor. I turn around to look at the Volkswagen. Oops, he didn’t fair so well. The whole side of his Golf was wrecked. I totaled the Golf.

Here is where the fun begins. The guy jumps out of his golf with fire in his eyes. He walks towards me, notices my size, and slows a little. The soldier in the passenger seat gets out to look at the damage, and angry German slows a little more. The other 5 soldiers get out and German has now stopped in his tracks. The German then hangs his head and turns around to go back to his car. Much like 5 year olds, soldiers can be cruel. We find his antics hilarious. We then look and he and his girlfriend are in the car arguing. I bet it was about all the tough talk he had until he saw who he was up against. She gets out of the car, tells him something (I wasn’t close enough to tell what) and then starts to hitch hike. It only took her about three steps till she got picked up. This is where angry German starts to cry. Ladies and gentleman, I’m sorry, but this might have been the funniest thing that me and the guys with me had ever seen. We could not contain the laughter which only made him sob harder. Life is so cruel to people sometimes. I guess the moral of the story is that you shouldn’t be in my way on ice when I’m driving a van full of soldiers. That’s the only thing I can come up with.

13 Comments:

At 2:36 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Also Everyone should take a second and read this.

 
At 3:33 PM, Anonymous FIAR said...

I'm sure you did an expert job of parking the van in that yard.

Funny stuff as always

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Great job, Doc.

You should have just yelled, FORE!

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

HAHA!
Works for me!
BWHAHA!!

 
At 8:58 PM, Blogger Anna said...

Why do I picture Mike Myer's character Deiter from SNL?!

 
At 9:05 PM, Blogger Daniel Levesque said...

Anybody who backs off just because the odds are 7-1 didn't have good intentions in the first place. If this German were the civil sort he would have walked right up and dealt with the issue like a gentleman.

www.ravingconservative.com

 
At 11:37 PM, Anonymous b-cack said...

send me your info again, I have been in the "field" for a week or so...

 
At 7:44 PM, Blogger GunnNutt said...

Great History, DPT! The poor SOB would probably have committed hari-kari if you and the soldiers had picked up the girlfriend.

 
At 4:27 PM, Blogger SeanS said...

It takes a big man to cry. It takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Great post Doc!

 
At 5:36 AM, Blogger Uber said...

So, do Germans have their own version of the guys who drive around aimlessly in their trucks on snow and ice just waiting to pull someone out with that new chain?

 
At 5:41 AM, Blogger Contagion said...

LOL, That's just funny.

 
At 5:41 AM, Blogger Contagion said...

LOL, That's just funny.

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

DPT - This undoubtedly reinforces the missing German testicles argument.

 

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