Monday, December 12, 2005

Forwarded Funny

MegaBrad has once again sent me something I could post quickly. God bless him and God bless French bashing.

• “France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain.

• "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." General George S. Patton.

• "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." Norman Schwartzkopf

• "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." Marge Simpson

• "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" Jacques Chirac, President of France "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh

• "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." Regis Philbin.

• "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know." P.J O'Rourke (1989).

• "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.

• "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." Conan O'Brien

• "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either" Jay Leno.

• "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." David Letterman

• “Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.” Ted Nugent.

• “War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II.” Anonymous

• "The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'" Tom Brokaw.

• "What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" Dennis Miller.

• "It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." Alan Kent

• "They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." Argus Hamilton

• "Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'" Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

• "The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller

• "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." Rep. R. Blount (MO)

• "Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

• The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

• French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003 The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Heh. Do you have any others?


At 7:00 AM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

During the cola wars, France was occupied by Pepsi for six months. - FrankJ

Gotta love Frank and IMAO.
And yes, FIRST!

At 7:54 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Do you know where you can find 90 million french jokes?

In France, of course. - Google search (link broken)


At 7:59 AM, Blogger Cove Rebel said...

These are my two old favorites:

What two things should no French household be without?- a German phrase book and a red carpet.

Why are the streets lined with trees?- so the Germans can march in the shade.

At 8:45 AM, Blogger Uber said...

How many gears does a French tank have?
-4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

How can you identify a French Infantryman?
-Sunburned armpits.

Ahhh, this never stops being fun.

At 10:47 AM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

Q: How do you brainwash a Frenchman?
A: Fill up his boots with water.

At 10:49 AM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?

A: The bucket

At 3:47 PM, Anonymous Kath said...

Arg, I trackbacked this post, but it didn't work and I have no clue why... I'm sorry!

Great post, highly amusing!
How many gears does a French tank have? LOVED this one :o)

At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Fiar said...

Ah, French jokes, the cornerstone of humor. I never grow weary of them.

At 6:34 PM, Blogger The Evil Emperor Mindstation said...

If cowardice could sink a nation, there would be a German Peninsula and an Isle of Spain.

At 7:46 PM, Blogger Ssssteve said...

Frenchman picks up a rifle and starts firing at the enemy, bystander asks," are you a soldier?" Frenchman replies " No, I just slept at a Holiday Inn Express though"

I know it lame, but hey I gave it a shot. btw, thanks for stopping by! I appreciate it! Now if only I can come up with something good to say!!

At 7:56 PM, Anonymous Buckley F. Williams said...

"Then there is the matter of Lance Armstrong and his utter domination of the Tour de France. How a testicularly challenged American heathen can continue to trounce the athletic flower of French manhood is beyond me."

Great collection of quotes!

At 9:04 PM, Blogger GunnNutt said...

Google "French Military Victories" and choose "I'm feeling lucky". HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

At 2:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Told to a young LT at a chnge of command cermony in Alaska- "Damn sir you're shaking like a French soldier looking at Germany"

At 11:26 AM, Blogger civilwarrior said...

Okay, this has nothing to do with apocryphal jokes, but it is funny as hell:
8September, 2005
Great news today! In an act of military heroism and valor we have come to expect of the French armed forces, it was discovered by yours truly today that two French army officers in Mitrovica (Kosovo) commited an act of bravery in a hostile fire zone. Yes, as hard as it is to believe, these French officers, displaying true heroism, visited an Albanian whore. Sadly, however, it must be reported that the lady of ill repute in question,to paraphrase Oliver Hazard Perry (a true AMERICAN hero), 'saw the enemy, and they were hers.' Apparently having accomplices waiting to assist her, the business woman "requisitioned" said officers weapons, AND uniforms, as well as all forms of ID, and (I think) their boots as well. Vive le France

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Actually that sound about par for the French Army. Funny stuff.

At 3:30 PM, Anonymous linda said...

Very funny! I think I like Conan's comment best!
What do you expect from people who eat horses and snails?!

At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Random Maniyak said...

The French have always been ready to defend France to the last drop of American blood.


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