Wednesday, August 31, 2005

They’ll Try to Take Our Guns Over This

So I saw this article and know that some asinine gun control law will come about because of it. I think these statistics that my friend sent me probably sums it up the best though. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by Doctors per year: 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician: 0.170
(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.
Number of accidental gun deaths per year: 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times
more dangerous than gun owners.

FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban
doctors before this gets out of hand.

As a Public Health Measure I have withheld the statistics
on lawyers for fear that the shock might cause people to
seek medical aid !

Of course I think this doesn't take into account the fake Dr.s like me.

What's for lunch at a Bail's Blog?

Another Attack on FrankJ

It’s been a while since I got a link from FrankJ and the last time I did it was because of the fury I unleashed on to the blogging world. Now it’s time to threaten to release the updated version of FrankJ’s worse nightmare. After joining his two most feared things, monkeys and robots, I have come up with something that will surely scare FrankJ into linking me on his site allowing me to get that coveted IMAO-alanche. I will initially wait on a response, but because I doubt he reads this blog, I’m sure I will need to release my monkey minions upon Florida.

It's a covered dish on Basil's Blog.

Just Throw the Money Away

Today I get the pleasure of just throwing money into the garbage. Today is the day I get to take all the food that was in the refrigerator and freezer and throw it into the trash can. I called the utility company last night after seeing a utility truck in the neighborhood, but not seeing the power being restored to my block, and the conversation went like this.

Operator: “H-Ville Utilities how can I help you?”

DPT: “My power has been out for about 16 hours. The rest of the neighborhood seems to have power what’s going on?”

Operator: “It could be that you are on a different transformer.”

DPT: “It can’t be too hard to find and fix then since it’s the only block in the neighborhood without power.”

Operator: “We have 25 crews out working right now.”

DPT: “Do you know when the power will be turned back on?”

Operator: “No sir. We’re working as fast as we can and will restore power as soon as possible. More than 35,000 are without power.”

DPT: “35,000 right now don’t have power? Do you have power? How many people right now in H-Ville don’t have power? I have been driving around, since there is nothing I can do at the house, and haven’t seen wide spread power outages. What happened to the power anyway?”

Operator: “There was a storm.”

DPT: “You don’t say. The apex of the storm must have centered itself over my block since we were the only ones affected. Surprising that no trees are down in the neighborhood with such a violent storm. Do you know if my freezer defrosting and leaking water all over the kitchen is considered a disaster? That Government cheese probably doesn’t spoil like the cheese I have in the fridge.”

Operator: “Uhhh….”

DPT: “Never mind. What are you having for dinner? Cause a bag of Tostitos and some tuna fish is all I got at the house at the moment.”

Operator: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience sir. We will restore power as soon as possible.”

DPT: “Would you call me back on my cell phone at 5 am? My alarm clock seems to be lacking the juice to make noise loud enough to wake me up and my telephone at the house is voice over IP, so it doesn’t work with out that sweet, sweet electricity.”

Now I know my slight $150 problem of throwing food away isn’t as serious as what had happened in LA and MS, but that’s the point. The storm did little to no damage to H-Ville, and yet our power has been out for more than 24 hours (only one block). It seems like a lot of trouble for such a small storm. This storm was by no means the worse that we’ve seen in the last few years but yet it seems to have caused a lot more problems.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Hurricane Gets Depressed

Well Hurricane Katrina has been downgraded to a tropical depression but is still wreaking havoc on me in particular. I’ve been without power for more than 12 hours at the house now and it’s beginning to bug me. I had to take a bag of ice home to throw in the refrigerator to try to keep the food from spoiling. The real kick in the butt is that the neighbors across the street have power. I guess it was just the substation that controls my side of the block went out. Go figure, with my luck I would have thought that the power would have went out and a plague of frogs would have descended on my yard. Oh well, life goes on. At least I don’t have zombies floating by like they do in New Orleans. Thanks for all that took the time to worry, but don't waste your prayers for me. Aim them at those Mississippi and Louisiana folks.

Update: Still no power at the house. It's been more than 24 hours now and the food is going to be thrown out today. One block in my neighborhood seems to be without power. I just happen to live on that block. Last night I wached my neighbors t.v. with a set of binoculars. Luckily work gives me the ability to blog.

Track Back Woes

Basil wrote an article letting people know the purpose and methods of sending track backs. I read through it and tend to agree with everything he writes. If you do not know the purpose of track backs please peruse his article. He does leave out one of the problems that I have been facing lately. It seems that Basil’s Blog is the only one that is accepting my track backs lately for the open track back posts. OTB and Mudville Gazette will not accept my track backs at all. The author of OTB has explained that my track backs are getting caught in a filter that he has set up (he graciously added my link to his open post) and I’m thinking the Mudville Gazette is giving me the same problem.

So my big question: How do I get around this? I’ve looked through my site and the only thing that seems questionable is the comments made by my good friend and soldier B-Cack. Is there an end run around that I can do to help boost my readership and take advantage of these open track back posts that larger blogs have or am I cursed to stay the small blog that I started as (ignore the hit counter more than half of those was off the strength of one post)? Anyone with a half decent answer please leave a possible solution to my problem.

A B-Cack Rant

Hey, I have to say this. I am not a very smart guy, I don't understand how I can pay $1.62 a gallon for gas last Christmas and it is nearly 3 bucks now.... besides the fact that some fat f**k at OPEC wants to make some Ends.(see Ebonics translator) Although if you go to their site, OPEC claims that they set production not the price. Hmm how convenient they have to put that in a FAQ form. Also, they claim that they don't control oil production.
Whatever, I think what we need to do is screw with the oil industry a little bit. I remember a while back, someone thought that we should have a gasoline strike. It was a good idea except that if you didn't fill up your car on srtike day, they just knew you would be back the next day. The dirty rat bastards laughed all the way to the back on our account! So, we need to individually strike against one company. Arbitrarily speaking, say Exxon. Everyone spreads the message to stop buying gas from Exxon and all of their affiliates, Mobile..etc. Eventually they will take a hit, lower their prices and we move on to the next company....Now.. I am no lawyer, and I did make the disclaimer that I am not a smart man.... now I am not sure if that is illegal... trying to rally the troops to run a company out of business, if so, tell 'em Joe Porter sent you!

B-Cack Out.
Basil's Blog doesn't filter my trackbacks.

Woke up to Darkness

So I had to shave and take a shower by candle light this morning. You would think that it would be romantic and exciting but it turns out, it’s just a pain in the rear. My wife had to call her work and let them know she would be late because she couldn’t see to get ready. Stupid storm, I wish that she would have went to Texas instead of Alabama. Maybe they’ll restore power in time to keep my food from spoiling.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Home On The Range (A Phat History Lesson)

(Authors Note) For those who were never in the military, a range is where soldiers perform various exercises and training. Besides shooting there are land navigation ranges, demolition ranges, indirect fire ranges, and NBC (Nuclear biological chemical) ranges.

There I was, no sh**, in Graffenwier. My unit went there every year to get rid of all the extra expendable stuff we had accumulated over the year. The way the Army works is that you have so much allotted to you and if you don’t use it all, they reduce the amount they give you the next year. It was vital to get rid of all the bullets and explosives we had, so that next year we could ask for more.

The best range ever was the demolition range, where we got to blow up a lot of C-4. The first lesson was how to use the new shock cord the army was moving to instead of the Det cord they had been using. It was pretty cool and we each got to try. The instructions went like this. Here is your brick of C-4. Here is your shock tube and primer. Here is your time fuse. Go set it up and wait for the word to start the time fuse. Now in hindsight the person giving the instructions should have told us that we shouldn’t put anything on top of our C-4. I would have, only because I know that if you give a soldier C-4 they’re going to blow something up. I chose to place a practice anti-tank mine (looks like a 10lb hockey puck) on top of my C-4. Other soldiers found other materials to place on theirs. We waited for the word, then pull, twist, push the timer was off; time to make a hasty retreat (break contact is what they call it now) and head a safe distance away.

We’re probably standing 500 meters away when the first one went off. BOOM! There goes the anti-tank mine launching about 200 ft into the air. Everyone started laughing only because it was just great to see something fly into the air because of the explosion. The next few went off sending more crap high into the air. Now it’s a hysterical laughter that everyone is enjoying the madness except our Company Commander, which will be important later on. Then BOOM, a railroad tie, that one industrious soldier placed on his and another soldier’s C-4, was lifted into the air. It sort of happened in slow motion. Everyone was silent as this 300lb railroad tie came flying at us. We all watched in silence as it flew over our heads and landed into the tree line 30ft behind us. Everyone stared in disbelief for about 5 seconds and then just fell out laughing. It would probably not have been as funny if it landed on a few of us, but since it missed, it was a riot. Remember what I said about the Company Commander not finding any of this funny? Well, we ended up doing a lot of push-ups because of our soldierly curiosity.

We then blew up some claymores and some bangalor torpedoes, and some home made claymores we made out of coffee cans, C-4, and rocks. The next exercise was to make an obstacle by adding only enough C-4 to blow half a tree away, so that when the tree fell across the road it would still have to be cut in order to move it. They gave us a formula and set up some large pieces of wood for us to try this on. Unfortunately it turned out we had too much C-4 left over even after we blew the pieces of wood up. Solution, just go put all the C-4 on the pieces of wood and keep the formula for some other time. My team had about 35 lbs of C-4 strapped to our piece of wood and that was probably the lightest of the 9 pieces of wood that were out there for us to use. We set the fuse then moved back 1km to watch the destruction. It turns out that instead of making an obstacle, we found a decent way to make toothpicks. I don’t think there was a piece of wood longer than an inch after the blast that shook the ground at 1km away. You could actually see the pebbles vibrate on the ground during the blast. So there was a story with explosions hope you liked it. If you want more Phat History tries these articles:

Phat History Lesson Part 1
One day Basil will actually read an article and post it on his blog before I trackback to him.

I Couldn’t Make This Up If I Wanted To

This is too funny. Those weirdo Austrians just don’t seem to get the F---ing joke. At least the Brits have a F---ing sense of humor. I’m now making plans to have a F---ing vacation.

I’m A Winner!

Well, I spent this weekend hangin’ out with the family. Not the whole reason why I didn’t post anything, but part of my excuse. Anyway, my mom’s birthday was over the weekend and we had a little family get together. Now normally I don’t take a lot of pleasure kicking the crap out of my family in games, but this weekend I won every game we played and want to take the time to rub it in. We played cards and I kicked everyone’s a$$. We then went outside and played some croquet, and I kicked everyone’s a$$ twice. To top it off, I showed my nephew how to die in 007, so what he’s only 12. Have you seen how well 12 year-olds can play video games? I couldn’t be stopped I tell you. So take that family, you know who’s winning this thing….and happy birthday mom. She was the only one I didn’t beat mercilessly, mostly because she didn’t play any games, but if she did I wouldn’t have felt so smug about kicking her a$$.

and yes I linked it on Basil's Blog

Let Me Run Something By You

So I didn’t post this weekend and will write two posts this morning to make up for it. The first thing I want to run by you guys is some new ideas for a contest. The old contest is still on so keep entering. I have two ideas for new contests. One is a “Rent a Pop”. I will rent out my old, feeble, and nearly blind father to your site, to make comments and refresh his browser every hour. It will be like an adopt a geezer program.

The next idea is to have a silent auction for a drunken phone call from B-Cack. Who ever wins the silent auction will receive a phone call from B-Cack in his most inebriated state. I can’t promise this one will work, because B-Cack can’t even give me a call when he’s drunk. Look at this email he sent me this weekend (spelling errors included): Hey, that phone number you gave me didn't work... I am kind of drunk right now... can't remember my bunber, It is a 254 whicch it Texas of course.... I mignt be drunk enought to spell check and write you about how the gas prices pISS Me the f**C off and MY take in the deal. Send me your phone number again, as I did try to dial it sober. B-Cack
This is the kind of thing that keeps me from giving him the keys to the blog. Who knows what insanity will end up there.

Friday, August 26, 2005

You Know What?

I haven’t posted today. I’m still pissed that my plans to go to a repo auction have fallen through. You will all have to bear the brunt of my anger. Now I will have to wait until next week to have the chance of buying another vehicle. I’m a one car family and have been showing up to work 2 hours early every day for too long now. I can not afford two car payments so this is pretty much how I will get another vehicle. Aaarrghh!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

That’s Not Funny! (A Phat History Lesson)

I guess B-Cack’s entry into my Swag Contest touched a nerve and set off a decent debate. After reading the comments, I started thinking what made things like that funny to me and B-Cack. I thought back to the funny things I witnessed in the army and realized that, unlike my more civilized standards now, most of the jokes I found funny then, are now too disgusting, crass, gay, or cruel to share with people that were never in a combat unit in the military. I’ve tried to explain them before, but most people looked at me like I was a freak (in a bad way), because most of them involve nakedness and violence (but rarely together). I’ll list some examples and you can decide if they are funny or not. (‘Of course in bullet form. Hooray bullets!)

  • In every unit there is always one guy that will take off his clothes at the drop at the hat. We had one that would stand at the back of formation before we would take a company picture and then right before the picture was taken he would step out from behind everyone naked with his "stuff" tucked, so it made him look like an extremely ugly lady.
  • Skinny pimp and I bought B-Cack midget porn for Christmas one year. It took us a long time to find it and then had to take it back to get it put in the right format so it would play on U.S. VCRs. How is Gidgette B-Cack?
  • After a long night of drinking, when some one had to take a leak, we would wait till that person got in front of a bush and started, then push them into the bush. Let the hilarity begin.
  • I laughed hard when a guy passed out from fear of a needle, while practicing giving IVs. We even took pictures. He turned gray, said, "I have a wife and three kids" then bam, out like a light.
  • Crack head Gilbert fell asleep first on a field exercise and Izzy pulled down his pants, steadied himself over the top of Gilbert, tapped Gilbert on the shoulder, and then had another soldier take a snapshot with his camera just as Gilbert looked up to see what was going on.
  • I laughed every time Expletive Delph busted his head on something.
  • I laughed every time that I heard soldiers scream in pain as they were being dragged in a skidco. A skidco is a piece plastic that you drag on the ground with a wounded soldier in it. We had to pull one 200 meters in a certain amount of time. It made for a very bumpy ride when two soldiers are hauling a$$, dragging another soldier across un-even ground, plus it was like 100 degrees that day.
  • I laughed when I heard that Puffy jumped out of the third story window to avoid an a$$ kicking by another soldier.
  • I laughed when I heard Sgt. Downey beat up a guy while wearing flip-flops.
  • It was funny when B-Cack came into his room drunk and puked on the floor, after his roommate had spent hours buffing and waxing it.
  • It was a laugh riot when Skinny Pimp told me about the time he woke up one night, saw a flicker of light from beneath his bunk (bunk beds), and caught ODB (Old Dirty Bowers) floggin’ the dolphin. It was even funnier when Skinny Pimp said he just shouted, "Get some!" at ODB.

These are just a few of the things I thought were funny. Even B-Cack doesn't find everything funny though. Ask him about the "your the winner game". The way you know you crossed the line in the military is the other guy that you're sharing the joke with will try to hit you. Most of you are probably readjusting your thoughts about me, but the truth is combat arms soldiers are just that way. It’s like a bunch of 13 year old boys with weapons. I guess I’ll always like the potty humour.

You know I took advantage of Basil's Blog and the free trackbacks.

The Blurred Line of Comedy

B-Cack sent me his entry into the contest to pimp my swag. (this is still on so keep entering) The strange thing is I don’t know whether or not I should laugh or be offended. There is such a fine, blurry line between offense and comedy, and B-Cack has a way of jumping up and down all over that line. Some other time I would have found this hilarious but now I’m kind of undecided. So, I’ll post his submittal and let you the readers decide if this is over the line or funny. His caption is in italics.

Deer Toney, Thanks U for the shirt, it is th' secund won I oned since I am frum Kentuky. Boy these arab guys do sure have small c*ck$." Lndie

A Chain Mail from B-Cack

I’m not sure how old this is but I think with Hanoi Jane’s vegetable bus tour looming, it is still relevant.


This is for all the kids born in the 70's who do not remember, and didn't have to bear the burden that our fathers, mothers and older brothers and sisters had to bear.

Jane Fonda is being honored as one of the "100 Women of the Century." BY BARBRA WALTERS

Unfortunately, many have forgotten and still countless others have never known how Ms. Fonda betrayed not only the idea of our country, but specific men who served and sacrificed during Vietnam. The first part of this is from an F-4E pilot

The pilot's name is Jerry Driscoll, a River Rat.

In 1968, the former Commandant of the USAF Survival School was a POW in Ho Lo Prison the "Hanoi Hilton."

Dragged from a stinking cesspit of a cell, cleaned, fed, and dressed in clean PJ's, he was ordered to describe for a visiting American "Peace Activist" the "lenient and humane treatment" he'd received.

He spat at Ms. Fonda, was clubbed, and was dragged away. During the subsequent beating, he fell forward
on to the camp Commandant's feet, which sent that officer berserk.

In 1978, the Air Force Colonel still suffered from double vision (which permanently ended his flying career) from the Commandant's frenzied application of a wooden baton.

From 1963-65, Col. Larry Carrigan was in the 47FW/DO (F-4E's). He spent 6 years in the "Hanoi Hilton",,, the first three of which his family only knew he was "missing in action". His wife lived on faith that he was still alive. His group, too, got the cleaned-up, fed and clothed routine in preparation for a
"peace delegation" visit. They, however, had time and devised a plan to get word to the world that they were alive and still survived. Each man secreted a tiny piece of paper, with his Social Security Number
on it, in! the palm of his hand.

When paraded before Ms. Fonda and a cameraman, she walked the line, shaking each man's hand and asking little encouraging snippets like: "Aren't you sorry you bombed babies?" and "Are you grateful for the humane treatment from your benevolent captors?" Believing this HAD to be an act, they each palmed her their sliver of paper. She took them all without missing a beat. At the end of the line and once the camera stopped rolling, to the shocked disbelief of the POWs, she turned to the officer in charge and handed him all the little pieces of paper.

Three men died from the subsequent beatings. Colonel Carrigan was almost number four
but he survived, which is the only reason we know of her actions that day.

I was a civilian economic development advisor in Vietnam, and was captured by the North Vietnamese communists in South Vietnam in 1968, and held prisoner for over 5 years.

I spent 27 months in solitary confinement; one year in a cage in Cambodia; and one year
in a "black box" in Hanoi. My North Vietnamese captors deliberately poisoned and murdered a female missionary, a nurse in a leprosarium in Ban me Thuot, South Vietnam, whom I buried in the jungle near the
Cambodian border. At one time, I weighed only about 90 lbs. (My normal weight is 1 70 lbs.) We were Jane Fonda's "war criminals."

When Jane Fonda was in Hanoi, I was asked by the camp communist political officer if I would be willing to meet with her.

I said yes, for I wanted to tell her about the real treatment we POWs received... and how different it was from the treatment purported by the North Vietnamese, and parroted by her as "humane and lenient."

Because of this, I spent three days on a rocky floor on my knees, with my arms outstretched with a large steel weights placed on my hands, and beaten with a bamboo cane.

I had the opportunity to meet with Jane Fonda soon after I was released. I asked her if she would be willing to debate me on TV. She never did answer me.

These first-hand experiences do not exemplify someone who should be honored as part of "100 Years of Great Women." Lest we forget..." 100 Years of Great Women" should never include a traitor whose hands are covered with the blood of so many patriots.

There are few things I have strong visceral reactions to, but Hanoi Jane's participation in blatant treason, is one of them. She needs to know that we will never forget.

I placed it on Basil's Blog and OTB

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Evil Glenn Strikes Back

Mu.Nu has recently ‘gone tits up’ leaving a few members of the Alliance unable to defend themselves and also unable to post filthy lies about the Instapundit. Has Evil Glenn gone on the offensive and unleashed a plan of tyranny trying to keep, at least a part, of the Alliance from posting about the Puppy Blending atrocities? Is Blogspot next? Will these questions ever end? News is still pouring in on this subject and a few of the Munuvians have emergency blogs where they can mount a counter strike and possibly ward off the Evil Glenn.

I spoke with one such Munuvian, Spacemonkey, and he said, “My pants are still on.” Which I guess is a metaphor that means he is still dressed to kick a$$. See what happens when a Puppy Blender signs up to host the Carnival of Comedy. Does the Alliance have ability to withstand such an attack and if they do what will the plan of attack be now? Perhaps more unfounded filthy lies will keep the hobo killing, robot dancing, Puppy Blender at bay.

Roger WILCO Over

You had some military questions and I have the FMs (Field Manuals) that have the answers. Military jargon will be used and most of it is completely insensitive so if any of colorful phrases offend you; drink water, eat your crackers and do some PT, this was always the standard answer I heard when I had a problem in the Military.

Steve the Pirate asks: “What's the best way to prepare for military basic training?”

DPT: I would normally say do PT, but honestly it doesn’t matter that much. The DIs (Drill Instructors) will whip you into shape. I went to Sand Hill, home of the infantry, for basic and these were the things that really take some getting used to. Say good bye to erections as they will disappear. There are no women at Sand Hill unless they work at the DFAC (dining facility). If you are going to some pogue (non-combat skill) basic training facility you might be able to retain that function but not at the basic training facility I went to. Also, be prepared to hear colorful language like, “Shut your c*ck holsters! (be quiet) Move expeditiously, and for you GED guys, ‘more quicklier’! (hurry up)” and someone will always offer to either “skull drag you” or do something completely illegal in the state of Georgia to you skull. If you can get over these things; Basic is a breeze.

Fitch asks: “When can we round up all the moonbats and shoot them in the face?”

DPT: It’s not a matter of when it’s how. We need another war, where more of them will volunteer to be human shields for bunkers. It’s not quite shooting them in the face but it’s a more effective way of getting rid of Moonbats.

A4G asks: “Is it more fun to squish a terrorist with a Bradley, or a Stryker? (This is really just that old tracks vs. tires argument.)”

DPT: I was never a real vehicle man in the army. I was Airborne Infantry, so I never even got to get on top of a track until I was out of the service. With that said, I think it’s a lot more novel to run over someone with a track. It’s easier to park on top of them and keep the vehicle stable. Regardless of how big the tires on a vehicle are, you hit a guy it makes for a large bump. On a track, once you have the track on said terrorist, you can jump out and take pictures with out all that backing up and pulling forward to make sure the wheel is centered on the terrorist.

Pop asks: “Why don't more hippies join the military where they can go camping, and commune with nature? Sing koom by ya around camp fires? Chant catchy slogans while marching? and protest the mistreatment of innocent people?”

DPT: Two things, mandatory showers and haircuts.

Insolublog asks: “What is meant by the term 'embedded reporter'?”

DPT: ‘Morale killer’ and ‘terrorist propagandist’ doesn’t look as good in print, so they went with something that had ‘bed’ in it. Sex sells.

CUG asks: “Why don't we nuke North Korea and shoot any survivors in the face?”

DPT: You can ask Pop how bad Korea smells, just in the summer time, imagine if you heated it up to tens of millions of degrees. Who ever is down wind from that stink bomb would have to move.

Wyatt Earp asks: “What exactly is the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy?"

DPT: I don’t believe you are permitted to ask me that question, and it is my understanding that I do not have to answer. Actually the first name of the policy was “Don’t beat up the homo policy” but the higher ups thought it was pretty insensitive.

Fitch asks a follow up question: “Was my earlier question, about rounding up moonbats to shoot them in the face, cruel and insensitive?”

DPT: Just add ‘with all do respect’ in front of the question and you’ll be covered.

Uber asks: “What would be the best way to improve The Department of Homeland Security?”

DPT: To start, it really needs a cooler name like “Border Protection Hit Squad” or “PLATO Using Terrorist Hunters”. That would probably help some. Then they need to secure our borders, but that’s far less practical and politically manageable than the name change.

Well that’s all in this Q&A. It will come back in two weeks. Give me a few ideas for the next topic.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Maybe the Funniest Thing Ever

I went by RHOG today and was sent to this post, which might be the funniest thing ever.

Ask Me No Questions, I’ll Tell You Nothing Funny

It’s that time again. You ask the questions and I’ll do little, to no research and just make up an answer. I think I need to have a theme this time to keep us focused and make it easier for me to come up with stupid answers. The theme this week will be: Military.

Having been a soldier, only for a short while, I will call myself an expert. I hope this will lead to a job at FOX news where they will use me as an analyst. That way I can coin clever quotes like “Shoot them in the Face!” O.k. so start asking already.

Almost a Contest Round Up

Well I almost had a contest. 3 people entered and did a wonderful job, but it just wasn’t enough to have a contest (MegaBrad emailed me a picture but didn’t post it on his site). I will probably do something nice for the people that entered, but it will have to wait till payday. I will be in contact with the “terrific three” to let them know how it will work early next month. Let me show you the ingenuity and artistic ability of the people of the bloggers that participated and try my best to shame those who did not.

Mensa Barbie had her swag hijacked by a slurpy jockey.

Fitch’s dog must be a capitalist.

Steve the Pirate has defined a real pirate.

Next, the question about ironing the sheets has been answered. %81 of you have said that sheets shouldn’t be ironed. My wife has answered, that you are all a bunch of lazy people and the ironing will continue. Since she has a monopoly on a few things at my house this discussion will end here.

It also turns out that spam filters are blocking my trackbacks. I’m pretty sure this has to do with most of B-Cack’s comments. Have a happy Tuesday, I’m sure something asinine will happen today and I will probably match that stupidity with a post here at Dr. Phat Tony’s.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Just Because

Just because an organization supports terrorists, has had leadership amongst the group arrested for terrorism and then doesn’t condemn terrorists, does not mean they're terrorists. Thanks to the quick acting thought police at ABC, a talk show host that, doesn’t like terrorists or their sympathizers, is now out of a job. Michael Graham, a talk show host on WMAL has been canned after calling CAIR (Council on American-Islamic Relations) a terrorist sympathizing, hate America, Muslim extremist, propaganda machine, (o.k. those were my words not his, but still fitting) that has close ties to terrorists organizations. After Mr. Graham said a few choice words about CAIR, CAIR called ABC who then made sure that Graham lost his job.

I spoke with an exec at ABC radio and he said, “Hate speech will not be tolerated here at the ever sensitive ABC radio and its affiliates, unless you make fun of straight white Christian guys. We have rules here at ABC radio, and calling a group that supports terrorism, terrorist is just not allowed. Now excuse me I need to fire a two more talk show hosts. One for saying that Mexicans are coming into this country illegally and another for saying that there is more black people in jail than white people.”

President of CAIR added, “We are greatly offended for having our cover blown. How can ABC radio let this kind of hateful persecution of terr.. Muslims happen. Jihad! Jihad! I mean all praise to Allah.”

Let this be a lesson to all you other talk show hosts. If you have to tell the truth make sure you say, “with all do respect” or “not meaning to offend anyone” before you let loose on the facts.

Hat tip to Uber

linked on OTB and Basil's Blog

Death by Doritos

Saddam has said that he will commit suicide in order to become a martyr for the Arab cause. Because he will not be able to blow himself up in a crowded public place, killing innocent people along with himself, his death will fall short of martyrdom. Arab leaders have said that in instead of killing innocent people, they might be able to stretch the rules this one time and grant him martyrdom if he would just make sure that no more pictures are released of him in his underpants.

When Saddam was asked how he would perform his suicide under the watchful eyes of the guards, he answered, “My soul and my existence is to be sacrificed for our precious Palestine and our beloved, patient and suffering Iraq. I will try taunting the guards and calling their mothers pig-dogs, until their American arrogance takes over and they kill me. If that doesn’t work, I will try to eat myself to death with Doritos, so that the rest of the Arab world can blame the evil American corporations for producing such a tasty, but harmful, food product. Jihad! Jihad! Mohammed Ali!”

Sunday, August 21, 2005

What a Slow Weekend, Indeed

So it’s been a slow weekend judging from my hit counter, which goes well with me losing at the poker game last night. I hope everyone comes by to make me feel better about losing last night. The only thing that can pick me up out of the funk that I’m in is a monster hit number today.
That and maybe watching this commercial could probably help a little to. Nothing like making fun of Red Sox fans.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Today’s To-Do List

Well, I’m going to play poker tonight. Wish me luck and pray that everyone else playing never catches any cards.

Mudville Gazette wont let me trackback. It tells me my site has questionable material. WTF over? Anyone know why this is happening to me?

Notice the new blogroll? I’ve added a few more links and made it fit a little better.

Jo’s Café is a new link that had the superior intellect to link me. For that she gets some free link love.

The last thing on the To-Do list is to help my wife and me with a small discussion we’ve been having about sheets (not the Robert Byrd type, the bed type). One of us says that sheets should be ironed before being put on the bed, the other one thinks it’s a waste of time and effort. So I’m putting this one out there for the readers to decide. Please vote on the sheet question.

Is it Normal to iron sheets before placing them on the bed.
Yes, of course what kind of slob are you?
No, what a waste of time.

Free polls from

Got some rackback love from A4G

Friday, August 19, 2005

Where do Terrorists Come From?

A lot of speculation has been circulated as to where do terrorists come from. They come from terrorist trees of course. Look at this one being planted here. With proper care, militant Muslim propaganda and fertilizer (fertilizer being cheap clocks and TNT), this terrorist tree will produce two types of terrorist fruit. One fruit will be the ever popular and easy to dispose of “spontaneous combustive fruit” and the other type that are slightly larger but not as brave the “cleric fruit”. With this said, there is only one way to make sure that you destroy all terrorists, Agent Orange.

Hat tip to Right Hand of God.
Posted as a covered dish at Basil's Blog.

Last Cindy Sheehan Post

Alright this is the last post I’m going to do about this vile woman. She has outlived her 15 min of fame and plus she is leaving Bush’s ranch to go home to her mother who has had a stroke. I just want to point out one more delusion that Mrs. Sheehan has before I stop posting about her forever. This is what Mrs. Sheehan says about her family, ”They're supportive. They understand what I'm trying to do,”

This is what her living son is saying, “I think she should come home.”

This is what her soon to be ex-husband is saying, “My kids and I feel like we've had two losses, Casey, and now our wife and mother. The kids are angry and lonely for her.”

I’m thinking that Mrs. Sheehan can’t read the writing on the wall. She is willing to hurt the people that love her along with dishonoring her sons sacrifice. What a low woman. I'm not giving her any more space on my blog, and this was not funny.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Because I Wasn’t Funny Earlier…

Because I wasn’t funny earlier, I’m going to have to point you to this article that had me smiling and laughing to myself.

It’s unfortunate that I have worked as a customer service person answering phone calls from the wackos in California about their health insurance. We had two customers in particular that had names within our workplace. One was Vicodin Man(he wanted to up his allowance of Vicodan to 360 pills a month, because 180 wasn’t enough) and the other was Oxycontin Lady (who had the same problem with her prescription), but we never called them this over the telephone.

So these two Comcast employees might be my heroes, only because I wish I had the courage to do something like this to some of the wackos that called in when I had to do that horrible job.

French Have to Fake Vacations

It turns out, even with 7 weeks of paid holidays, that the French can’t afford to go on vacation. Well Boo-Fricken-Hoo, Maybe if they tried working more than a few hours a week and get the unions to release the strangle hold they have on the country they could do better than %10 unemployment. My favorite quote from the news story is this,
“The vacation is a potent symbol in French society, a visible sign of a certain social standing,” well so is smelling bad and being rude. How weak is a country when they truck in sand to put next to a river to make the people, that can’t afford to go out of town on vacation, feel like they’ve gone out of town. You know if the French wouldn’t be so scared to work, they might be able to survive without taking advantage of U.N. humanitarian efforts.

A covered dish at Basil's Blog

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Pimp My Swag Contest

I’ve decided on having a contest and the winner would get a free Dr. Phat Tony Swag T-Shirt. Here is how it’s going to work.

Step 1 Design and make a small ad featuring Dr. Phat Tony’s swag (feel free to take pictures from the store. See examples in my side bar).

Step 2 Link ad to the store. If you need help with this email me.(Uh, yah, what did you think that the ad should point to nothing?)

Step 3 Place ad in side bar (It won’t be a permanent thing just for 3 weeks so people have time to design and I have time to judge) and write a short post and track back to this one, so I know who’s entered.

Step 4 I’ll judge at the end of 3 weeks and the winner will get a free T-Shirt their choice of design (not their choice of clothing article, it will be a fitted T). Entries must be up by Monday Aug 22, Judging will be on Sept 7.

For those who read this blog and don’t have a Blog, Email me a picture of you sporting Dr. Phat Tony Swag and you will be entered. I know it’s slightly unfair that you would have to buy a piece of swag before you win but, it’s all about pimping my blog.

Ready, Set, Go!

disclaimer: For contest to actually take place, 6 people must be entered. Come on, I'm fronting my own cash for this, there has to be some results to get my money. Pimped my contest on Basil's Blog

Un-Hate Mail (Spam)

So, I received this short email and at first didn’t know how to respond. After thinking about it a while, I decided I couldn’t let some bald hippy tell me how to be happy.

Neateye wrote,

“Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!”

Of course I had to write back. So I wrote,

Dear Neateye,

I’m glad you decided to take the time to read my blog. I didn’t know Hare Krishnas still existed. Tell me, does saying Gouranga make you happy? I tried saying Gouranga yesterday and it just made me feel foolish. Are you the type of Hare Krishna that takes LSD, or the kind that sells flowers at airports? I didn’t know Hare Krishnas had internet access. Be safe Neateye, and make sure you wear protection when you Gouranga.

On second thought Neateye, I just hope your spamming self gets caught up in a thresher while you call out Gouranga. Ya, damn hippy.

Dr. Phat Tony

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Obligatory Swag Pitch

So I’ve got this store (see famous people wearing shirts on side bar, they’re not there just to be funny) and so far, I haven’t sold enough to actually get paid. I know people have money. I’ve heard about them and seen them on T.V. Unfortunately, it seems that none of them visit my site. So I’ve discounted all the swag in hopes to make enough sales to actually have a check cut to me.

Now, knowing that people don’t like to pay for anything unless there is a cause that the money is going for, I will explain what the money I make from selling swag will be used for.

  • First I will buy Pop a T-Shirt. He’s been begging people all over the blogs for them to buy him one. The first thing I will do will be to buy him some swag.
  • Expand my store to have different T-Shirt designs. I have to pay money to expand my store and I am full of ideas for new designs.
  • Buy my own domain name and server space. I have to get rid of the blogspot part of this deal. It will fit better on my swag.
  • Have a contest and have a give away. That’s right as soon as I make enough to actually afford my own products, I can have a contest and give some away.
  • Last is, send my non-existent kids to Harvard. I don’t have a kid yet but when I do, I will need lots of money to put them through Harvard, or at least bartending college.

Look at these noble causes that your money will be going to when you support my site by buying my swag. Now do the American thing and buy my products so I can get paid.

Atlanta, the Gay Mecca

Black gays bow down and pray towards Atlanta five times a day, now that it has become the gay Mecca of the United States. Although Atlanta has less black gays than other large cities, it seems that you can go without being harassed while standing in front of a gay club in Atlanta, which makes it a holy city for the black gay community.

The Black Gay Festival, the Ramadan of the gay Mecca, is held in Atlanta over the Labor Day weekend. Adams of Zami, which awards national scholarships for black gays and lesbians, said, “It was important to have a day where the black gay person could feel some pride. The regular gay pride parade wasn’t enough and it wasn’t geared towards the black community. How can you feel pride when middle aged white men wear funny clothes and sashay down the street? The black community needed something that ‘kept it real’, but was still gay.”

The real story.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Urban-Outdoorsmen Unite!

Atlanta plans to ban panhandling in the downtown area and other tourist’s attraction. The Begging Urban-outdoorsmen Movement (BUM) has said that they will protest at city hall. One protestor and BUM said, “I’ve been working the area (begging) for years now and have finally been promoted to the position of right next to the ATM at the Underground. Now they go and do this, and I’ll have to find a less lucrative place out in the suburbs. You got some spare change?”

BUM has vowed to beg the city to reconsider and will not stop until they change the law or collect enough change to get drunk. Joe Beasley, who heads the regional office of the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition, says. “How dare the city try to keep these unfortunate, lower class, and homeless people from becoming drunk. How horrible would it be if these people had to live in their condition sober.”

Real story here.
Have lunch at Basil's Blog

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Fun With Microsoft Paint and Cindy Sheehan

Thought you guys might like to see what I do on a boring Sunday afternoon, when there is craziness going on else where.

Real story at Michelle Malkin and the real comedy at IMAO

Pop’s Reward

I took my dad to a drive-in movie last night. I think he had a good time. Thanks Pop for the help with the air-conditioner.

(Authors note) Actually, I told him we were going to a drive-in movie and instead just took him to a parking lot and let him watch a billboard for an hour-and-a-half. We don't even have a drive-in- movie theater here. He didn’t seem to notice and would just yell, “Turn it Up!” every few minutes. That’s why this print is so small. He’ll never be able to read it, but you guys are in on the joke. Man, old people are so easy to manipulate. Have you gotten your senior citizen worker yet?

Linked on Basil's Blog

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Slave Labor at Dr. Phat Tony’s

To quote Lloyd "Despite being old and dangerous behind the wheel, senior citizens can still serve a purpose. Don't go dying on me now..."" I called my dad, Pop, to come over and help me with my air conditioner. I’m not so mechanically inclined and I also despise manual labor. My dad, although old, feeble, and nearly blind, does have a skill that I lack. He is like an idiot savant when it comes to fixing any machine. Tell him what the machine is supposed to do and he can get it working again. What’s more is he works cheap. I promised him that I would let him look at porn on my computer and take him to a movie, and he eagerly agreed to crawl around under my house and find out why my air conditioner was making my utility bill enormous. Turns out that I needed to clean the intake coil. So once that was done, I let Pop rate a few camel toes (Warning, link not safe for work. Yankees might call it a moose knuckle.) and I’m going to take him to see Batman later.
If you don’t have a mechanically inclined old, feeble and nearly blind relative that works for porn and free movies, I suggest you go down to the old folk’s home and invest in one. They’re quite handy.

Got some trackback love from Basil's Blog and A4G

Friday, August 12, 2005

Link Love Friday

First I want to point you to three people that are way too smart for me. I know that I would never be able to hold a coherent conversation with these three unless I got them stupid drunk first.

A4G has got to be one of the funniest and sharpest satirist I’ve ever read. I’m not quite sure how he comes up with his stuff everyday, but I think it has something to do with a deal with the devil.

MensaBarbie is another one that seems to have way too much intellect for me to deal with. I’m not sure which scientific journals she’s reading but I’m sure they’re all beyond me.

Insolublog, besides owning one of my mugs making him the smartest man in the world, seems to understand politics and economics in a way I may never grasp. I’m just a dumb Alabamian, so I’ll have to stick to the poop jokes and photoshopped pics.

Look at their sites and feel a little less confident in your own mental capacities. Also go check out Basil’s Blog where I track back to enhance my status in TTLB.

(This was not an attempt to gain complements. I was just pointing out that I was not intelligently designed to be as smart as them.)

I am More Smarter Than You

Someone passed me an op ed from the Spew More Lies (NY Times) that was talking about Toyota deciding to build a plant in Ontario Canada instead of Alabama because the education level of Alabamians. The author goes on about socialized health care (damn socialist), but I want to take a look at a few facts about the education levels.
Let me say I’m tired of hearing the dumb redneck jokes. I’m not the most educated man in Alabama, but I’m not surrounded by idiots. I’m pretty sure that Alabama (Huntsville in particular) created the launch vehicle responsible for putting a man on the moon. What has Ontario ever created?
Let’s take a look at the percentages. Alabamians with a bachelor’s degree %12.18. Alabamians with graduate degrees %6.85. It’s probably higher in Huntsville than the rest of the states average, but still pretty respectable for the fine state of Alabama (as of 2000). Now Ontario. Canucks with a bachelor’s degree %10.08. Canucks with a graduate degree %5.33 (as of 2001 for Ontario). I’m just a dumb southern boy, but this seems lower than Alabama’s averages. Another point is that Toyota has a plant here already. They’re building the V8 and the V6 engines about 6 miles away from where I live. Now the president of Toronto-based Automotive Parts Manufacturers' Association of Toyota said something along the lines of the educational level in the Southern United States was so low that trainers for Japanese plants in Alabama had to use "pictorials" to teach some illiterate workers how to use high-tech equipment. This doesn’t make much sense to me since they were the ones that hired these people and there is extensive testing and training before you’re even offered a job. I know because I went through it. You sort of have to read in order to take the test, then again I guess you could just click through the test and get lucky and pass, but with over 500 questions, I doubt it. Basically from what I see is that Alabamians seem to be more educated than the people on the snowy side of the border (By the way, please step back from our border. It looks like you’re preparing to invade, and you know we’re not above a preemptive strike.). So go suck a salmon Canada and take your social health care with you. We might say nucular around here, but we’ve put more people in space than you, ya dumb Canucks

The Evolution is Here; The Evolution is Now

I have stopped my marauding ways in order to just be large. Thanks to my Intelligent design, I’m ascending through the ranks of the blogosphere. How long before I dethrone Evil Glenn? Only my readers and shameless link whoring will decide that. Give it a try. Link me and let the Puppy Blender know that I’m coming for him and He11 is coming with me.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Trees Killed My Son!

It seems like a loony thing to chant, but lately it’s been quite popular with the anti-war crowd. It seems that war protestors now blame soldiers, being killed by terrorists, on the amount of trees that America has. This makes perfect sense. The terrorists are infuriated by the fact that we, the infidels, live in a garden of Eden compared to their dusty deserts. Can anyone blame them for hating us. The solution to this war is to appease the extreme Muslim militants by cutting down all our trees and living in the same type of squalor that they live in. Only then will they accept us and stop attacking. Down with Trees I say! Down with Tr…….
Correction. They were saying Bush all along, which is just as asinine as blaming the trees I guess.

I Wonder

“I wonder why Dr. Phat Tony hasn’t written another post today.”

Don’t you have better things to do besides thinking of me. Get to work slackers.

Henry Doesn't Get It

It turns out that the spam trick I played didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, because Henry wrote me back and told me no one answered at the number I gave him. (The number was from another spam telling me I won the Netherlands lottery) What’s worse is that his email this time is really creepy and gay. If you don’t want to read the whole letter I’ll just give you some random homo quotes from Henry’s email to me.

“Dear One, I want you to see me as your little one and assist me sincerely as I beleive (sic) that God has touched you to assist me.” And “...I can only have access to the funds until when I am 27 years old, right now, I am just 21, so I want you to act as my guardian and assist me.”

Well I’m not into having any guy being my “little one” and definitely not going to take on the task of being a guardian for a 21 year old. I’m only 27 for Pete’s sake. It seems that Henry had a birthday, since he was only 20 in the first email he sent me. I guess it’s time to give the brush off to Henry. Time to let him know about the Rejection Hotline. What a great service this is. You give out this number to people you don’t have the heart to reject out right and a recorded message tells them to piss off, of course with more style and humor. So I write back to Henry,

I see you’ve had a birthday since the last email I received from you. Happy Birthday. In the future please do not refer to yourself as my “little one”. It’s too gay for a guy that’s 21. I’m still going to help you out though. I’m not sure why the last number I gave you didn’t work, but I’m going back to Atlanta tomorrow and you will be able to reach me on my home phone then. Sorry I won’t be able to call you at the number you gave me, but you will be able to reach me at 770-908-7383. You will be able to reach me after 9 pm Eastern standard time. Hope that you will call me.
Fred Owens.

Morning Coffee Links

Need a pick me up besides that caffeinated beverage made from the beans that are grown between marijuana and cocoa plants? Try some of these for a smile or chuckle.

Damian is hosting the Carnival of Comedy at Conservathink. (Guy goes to North Carolina for 1 week and he thinks he’s a red neck.)

Breakfast is being served at Basil’s Blog.

Of course I’m not above self promotion so check out my latest article.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

How It All Started

I saw a commercial the other night that jarred loose a memory of the first time I felt an attraction towards a woman. I was only 7 years old at the time but it was the first time that I had a funny feeling about a female. It didn’t translate well in my young mind because at the time I was still playing army and girls were both a carrier for cooties and quite boring with the games they wanted to play. This shapely female was the epitome of what a girl should be. My young mind wondered why none of the girls that I knew were like this perfect woman. I suppose in retrospect that this woman was probably way too shapely and erotic to be on a cartoon watched by kids, but I will always think fondly of this cartoon character. Thanks Cheetara for confusing me on what a woman should be like.

By the way the cartoon series is on DVD now.

B-Cack's the Poop

So, here goes the crapped my pants story. No sh**, there I was on my way to a BBQ and some heavy drinking with my good buddy Tony Scarboni. ( Tony Scarboni is a baby gun pilot, see attached link to 58D's[nuts!] photo. Not to be confused with REAL gun pilots. Sorry Tony Scarboni.
Anyways, I am driving onto Ft. Rucker and am a scant 3 miles from his house when I feel an awful sensation in my gut. (Kind of like getting kicked in the belly by a donkey) So I am thinking that a little one cheek sneak action will alleviate all the "gasses" built up inside. (Anyone who knows me can vouch that I am full of hot gas). So, well sorry Phat Tony, there is no gentle way to put this, I let go with what I think is gas, but to my surprise, I crap my pants, bigger than Dallas! I went through a myriad of emotions, denial (no... I haven't crap my pants since I was about 8, FEAR, SHOCK.... and finally ACCEPTANCE!!!!
Well, being a self-respecting LURP, I decided I would pull my car off the side of the road into a small logging trail that many a flight student had gone 4wheelin' on. (Note to you all, I am in the Ford Escort, not the Bronco.. this means I can only go about 30 meters down said road.) Fortune smiled upon me as I had a glove box full of napkins! So I head for the wood line and take care of my business, sadly enough the "leakage" has permeated my underpants (drawers for all you who live in the south) and made a small "impression" on my jean shorts. Not a problem, I decide to wrap all said clothing items in hand and carry them the 50 meters or so to my trunk. This is where the story gets interesting, I have to mention that several people had gotten in trouble for accessing this road to 4 wheel, apparently the MP's don't allow it. Well, it just so happens that fate decided to crap on me (pun intended) because EXACTLY the precise moment I walked out of the woods, with only T-shirt and shoes on, an MP decided to drive up behind my car with what I am sure are intentions to ticket the crap out of me (pun definitely intended) for trekking onto the forbidden path! As I see this kid drive up, about 300 excuses run through my mind as to how I am going to explain to my company commander why I am naked on post because I know nobody will believe me if I were to tell the real deal. As the MP put his car in park, he looked up, caught me mid-stride and we made eye contact for exactly .002 seconds. I don't know who was more embarrassed ( I know I was bare assed) but he threw his car into reverse and drove off before I even knew what happened.
Well, being caught with my pants down once was enough for me, so I decided to throw the "drawers" into a handy dandy Wal-Mart bag, and clean off the shorts enough to wear in the car. ( don't get grossed out, I used some gauze out of my first aid kit as an ad hoc seat cushion) Well, on the way home I see a Ryder truck with the dolly ramp sparking on the road. It is creating quite the traffic hazard so when the lady and her 10 year old son decided to stop in the middle of the road and try to push it back into the truck but failed, I decided to pull off and help. I walk up to the car parked straight behind the duo and ask if I can help. The two middle aged ladies said that it would be a Godsend, so I walk right in front of their car, bend right on over and pick up the ramp...... YES... I thought about my soiled trousers right as I came up... paused momentarily and then ran to the car, drove home and cleaned up. I can only hope that these ladies thought I sat on a Hershey's kiss or something! Well, I get home, clean up and decide to call Tony Scarboni..... I am late of course and his wife says to him "what did he do, crap in his pants???" Oh, I imagine this story may be somewhat odd to "normal" people, but it is kind of just in stride with my life. I hope you all enjoy, maybe someday I will tell about the time I took a dump in some unknown driveway in Belgium..... B-Cack OUT!

Dr. Phat Tony's Note: Because B-Cack put my unedited picture on his site. I'm going to put his pics on mine, and yes this is what he looks like all the time. The lush!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Mail Call

I received two letters. One letter is from a man named Henry Traore, whose mother died and looking for help moving some money. The other letter is from Ellis who has informed me that I won the second prize in a lottery drawing and need to call him to claim my 500,000 Euros.(click on links to view the emails.)
Now I believe I might be able to help Mr. Henry Traore so I replied this.

Mr. Traore,
I am deeply sorry to here about the loss of your mother and hope that I can help you with your situation. I’m at the moment living in the Netherlands and can be reached at this number +31-619-044-749. Please ask for Fred Owens as that is my real name. Please give this number as verification as to you are who you say you are. Serial number 4499/28. I am an American citizen but am only temporarily living here in the Netherlands and will be leaving to go back to the U.S. very soon. I am sympathetic to your plight and hope that you reach me by phone as soon as possible.
Hope to hear from you soon,
Fred Owens

I wish I could hear the conversation these two will have. Maybe he will write me back. Let the comedy ensue.

You Can’t Handle the A

Wow! You guys had a lot of questions yesterday. Luckily I’ve been resting my mind playing Tiger Woods and I’m ready to hand you your A. It looks to me like there is a little competition between the men and the women. I’ll try to be as impartial as possible.

On to the questions.

Fitch asks: “Why don't women ever admit that their period might be at least partially responsible for the argument you just had? I need to know doc.

Let me tell you, because of the experiences that I have had, I know that there is only 3 days every month when a woman isn’t crazy (those days aren’t necessarily together). PMS is actually an abstract term used to justify men being wrong and woman being angry, sad, and irritable all at the same time. How much fun would it be for you to blame initials for your behavior?

Kate asks: “Do gentleman really prefer blondes?”

As a gentleman and being married to a blonde, I’m going with yes on this one. True, when I met her she dyed her hair to be a brunette, but she’s naturally a blonde and at the moment blonde so until any of those things change, the answer will remain yes. What are you trying to do, get me in trouble?

A4G asks: “Now that you seem to be firmly a TTLB Marauding Marsupial, what will you be storing in your new pouch? “

I’ve done some research on Marauding, and it looks like I’ll need some weapons and a pouch is a good place to store them when moving. I haven’t made up my mind whether I want to go traditional or modern yet though.

Insolublog asks: “What part of the brain makes men mix beer and sports, while women mix wine and shopping? “

Didn’t want to break it to you Insolublog, but it has nothing to do with the brain. I’ll have to refer you to one of your parents for that awkward talk, but give you a hint; it has something to do with ding-dings and hooh-hahs, make your own analogy if you like.

Fmragtops asks: “What happens if a terrorist is killed by U.S. troops, or police prior to killing any infidels, how many virgins does he get?”

I just happen to be reading through the Koran and have found the passage that will explain this. “If a jihadist fails to accomplish a killing in the name of Allah and perishes, he will be given a slow goat. All praise to Allah, Mohammed Jihad.”

Pk asks: “What is the air speed velocity of an African Swallow?”

I have a definitive answer for you. According to the late night special on the Animal Planet channel “Swallow and Spit”, they move at the speed of Live 8.

Pop asks: “At what age do children start accepting responsibility for their own screw ups, and stop crapping on their parents when they bail them out?( disclaimer ) This question is in no way directed at my number 1 son. "

Well pop let me tell you that I still blame you for me not being rich. If you would have made better financial decisions, I could be living off a fat trust fund. As for why do a few of your offspring decide to use you as a toilet? I would suggest that you don’t wear your porcelain white suit anymore. It confuses my siblings. They are only one step above a toaster on the evolutionary scale. See what happens when you get you spouse drunk to get some action.

Wyatt Earp asks: “Who's the black private dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks?
Who is the man that would risk his neck
For his brother man?
Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's danger all about?"

Sounds like a penis question Earp, so watch your mouth, this is a family friendly blog.

Uber asks: “Why are liberals so certain that they are always right and that the rest of us poor bumpkins either have deep character flaws, mental retardation or are closet "Brown Shirts" who secretly celebrate Adolf Hitler and we'll vote for their idiology if only they point this out to us often and loud enough? “

It’s really just a defense mechanism to keep us from killing them. They were intelligently designed to be stupid, and showing us this trait brings pity from us instead of wrath.

Anonymous asks: “why ?? you hate woman so much , if not her who can make you smile last night......?????"

I think my wife outed herself. Let me explain that my wife, although she can speak and read English very well, still has problems with writing correctly, so I will translate her question for you guys. “Why are you such a wonderful husband and near perfect Dr. Phat Tony?” I was intelligently designed to be that way.

Tyler D. asks: “What is your name?
What is your Quest?
What is your favorite color?

Names at the top of the blog. I’m here to sell swag. Which color does it need to be for you to buy swag?

Jackie asks: “Why don't men realize women are always right?
Accept this and everyone would be a lot happier.

Jackie, I’ll give you the standard answer. Uh huh. Whatever you say dear. Sure honey. I’ll do it in a second.

Gunnnutt asks: “What is the meaning of life? And does it have anything to do with guns?"

Well I know that happiness is a warm gun, a warm bed, a warm meal, and a hot woman, so I think that the meaning of life has something to do with temperature.

B-Cack asks: “Why is getting a manicure GAY, and going to your friends wedding not?
(Why do your friends buy you midget porn... and why did I watch it.... twice... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh)”

Men should be working with their hands, not blowing on them to dry the clear nail polish, and as long as the wedding isn’t a gay wedding, manicures for men will always be gay. For the second question; Do you know how long it took me and Skinny Pimp to find a porn that would satisfy your wacko fetish? I think the reason you watched it twice is the same reason you sent Expletive Delph an inflatable midget in a care package.

Lil’ B-Cack asks: “Why does my big brother admit to watching midget porn???”

Stumped me on this one. He’s one sick puppy.

Peakah asks: “How many drinks do you want me to have on Wakikki Beach for you tomorrow morning?”

It’s not so much a number as it is a proportion. Drink till you vomit, then go to one drink every 30 minutes to maintain a drunken stupor.

That’s all for the A part of this episode. I’ll leave you a question of my own. Does anone have the XHTML code for the “expand and collapse” for an article? If you do please email it to me and let me know where to place it in my code. Also notice the "link love". I'm expecting all to reciprocate.