Monday, October 31, 2005

Alliance = Nazi

Thanks to Laura, at Can’t Keep Quiet, I’ve expanded my reasoning skills to include the asinine. She has equated the Alliance symbol
to a Nazi symbol.
This was no small feat considering that it takes a long stretch of the imagination. With that aside she has a solid logical argument. Basically she says that the alliance uses an eagle on their symbol and so did Nazis. Surely there is evil afoot.

Well, never to let a challenge of wacky logic slide, I too have uncovered something hideous about the blog Can’t Keep Quiet. I visited the site, saw the title, and something just didn’t sit right with me. I couldn’t put my finger on it at first, but after a few moments with a pencil and sheet of paper, I figured it out. You see, Can’t Keep Quiet is actually an anagram for PA Ticket Queen. That’s right, it turns out, by using the same logic she did, Laura (the PA Ticket Queen) is Pennsylvania’s most wanted traffic offender. She might not even be aware that she subconsciously let her identity be known, but then again, serial criminals often leave clues about their identity. I’ve figured you out Laura (PA Ticket Queen). I’m sure in your mind that the Alliance is the Nazi reincarnate, but in my mind the PA Ticket Queen owes the state of PA a lot of money for moving violations.

Friday, October 28, 2005

A List for Friday

Thanks to Cove Rebel, I have some funny to post today. These are a few things you will never hear a southern man say.

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anbody seen the sideburns trimmer.

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrestling's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin' is sucha nast habit.

20. I just couldn't find anything at Wal-Mart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccina tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've fot it all on the C: drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobby Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. You all.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

...and the number one....wait for it...

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Running Gags, Army Style (A Phat History Lesson)


Gunnnut directing me to a great post by a soldier that shared a story about the Atomic Sit-Up. It’s one of the standards when it comes to humor in the Army. After reading the post, I started thinking about a few of the gags my platoon played on each other during my time in the Army. My platoon was partial to running gags. There were two that I remember being played on two individuals that I thought were funny.

The first running gag was being played on an E-6 named Ranger Mac. Basically Ranger Mac hated chicken stew MREs more than anything else in life. He would literally make his soldiers trade other MREs for his chicken stew MRE. Everyone has a preference I guess, but Ranger Mac went to the extremes to make sure he never had to eat the chicken stew. After seeing this weakness his soldiers decided to make sure that he ended up with chicken stew every chance they got. Black ops were pulled to ensure that chicken stew ended up in his rucksack before all the field problems. The best move that they made was when Ranger Mac came upstairs with a case of MREs and let his team know that this was his case, and no one was allowed to touch it. Shortly after he left his case of MREs alone, surgery was performed on this case and was filled with nothing but chicken stew MREs and then carefully put back together to look as though it was still a brand new case. Once out in the field he opened the case and started preparing to go on the field problem. He reached into the case, pulled out a chicken stew. He threw this one to a soldier and said something like, “What are the odds that the first one I grab out of the box is a chicken stew?” He then reached in and grabbed the next MRE; again a chicken stew. He caught on after this one and started throwing chicken stew everywhere. Good times, huh? Before Ranger Mac left the unit, a carefully placed package of chicken stew was placed in his large container of whey protein, about half way down in it. 3 months later when he reached that spot, a phone call was made to the unit with him yelling at my buddies about how a chicken stew ended up in his whey protein.

The next running gag that was going on was on Lt. Catfish. Unfortunately, I had no hand in this as it was just slightly before my time. I did witness evidence of the prank but it was long after Lt Catfish left. When my unit was deployed to Bosnia there were two things there was a lot of; one was free time, and the other was porn. Don’t be too upset about the porn, it’s just the way things had to be when deployed. Now in the back of porn mags there is an inordinate amount of gay porn advertisements. I have no idea why, but there was. Instead of letting these “Richard pics” go to waste, the platoon decide to cut them out and strategically place them throughout Lt Catfish’s equipment. It went so far that whenever Lt Catfish opened anything there would be a one eyed monster staring at him. Shirt pockets, ammo pouches, canteen cups, pinned inside his patrol cap, and anywhere else the platoon could get one without him knowing. The best “Richard pic” story was when Lt Catfish had to give a briefing to a full bird Colonel and he opened up his planner and a “Richard pic” fell out onto the table. Lt Catfish stood there dumfounded and embarrassed and could only say, “My guys think it’s funny.” Occasionally we would receive a phone call from Lt Catfish complaining that he was still finding these pics in his stuff, long after he left the unit.

Pretty funny gags, huh?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Who's in China

Secretary: - Mr. President, Condoleeza Rice is here to see you.

George B. : - Good, send her in.

Secretary: - Yessir.
(Hangs up. Condi enters.)


Condoleeza: - Good morning, Mr. President.

George B. : - Oh Condoleeza, nice to see you. What's happening?

Condoleeza : - Well, Mr. President, I have the report here about the new leader in China.

George B. : - Great, Condi. Lay it on me.

Condoleeza : - Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.

George B. : - Well, that's what I want to know.

Condoleeza : - But that's what I'm telling you, Mr. President.

George B. : - Well, that's what I'm asking you, Condie. Who is the new leader of China?

Condoleeza : - Yes.

George B. : - I mean the fellow's name.

Condoleeza : - Hu.

George B. : - The guy in China.

Condoleeza : - Hu.

George B. : - The new leader of China.

Condoleeza : - Hu.

George B. : - The Chinaman!

Condoleeza : - Hu is leading China, Mr. President.

George B. : - Whaddya' asking me for?

Condoleeza : - I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George B. : - Well, I'm asking you, Condie. Who is leading China?

Condoleeza : - That's the man's name.

George B. : - That's who's name?

Condoleeza : - Yes.
(Pause.)


George B. : - Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.

George B. : - Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condoleeza : - That's correct.

George B. : - Then who is in China?

Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.

George B. : - Yassir is in China?

Condoleeza : - No, sir.

George B. : - Then who is?

Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.

George B. : - Yassir?

Condoleeza : - No, sir.
(Pause. Crumples paper)


George B. : - Condi, you're starting to piss me off now, and it's not 'cause you're black neither. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don't you get me the Secretary General of the United Nations on the phone.

Condoleeza : - Kofi Annan?

George B. : - No, thanks. And Condi, call me George. Stop with that ebonics crap.

Condoleeza : - You want Kofi?

George B. : - No.

Condoleeza : - You don't want Kofi.

George B. : - No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.

George B. : - Not Yassir! The guy at the United Nations.

Condoleeza : - Kofi?

George B. : - Milk! Will you please make that call?

Condoleeza : - And call who?

George B. : - Well, who is the guy at the U.N?

Condoleeza : - No, Hu is the guy in China.

George B. : - Will you stay out of China?!

Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.

George B. : - And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condoleeza : - Kofi.

George B. : - All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)


Condoleeza : - Hello. Rice, here.

George B. : - Rice? Good idea. And get a couple of egg rolls, too, Condi. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get chinese food in the Middle East? I don't know.

Hat tip to Pop. Listen to the whole thing here

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

A Vote…of Sorts

I’ve got two ideas for a post today, but not sure which one I should go for. One is about a socialist weenie that has been wandering through blogs trying to start arguments and playing “holier than thou” under the guise of Christianity. The other is about the awesome breakfast burrito that I just had. I didn’t even have to pay for it. I’m leaning more towards the breakfast burrito, but to be fair I’ll let the readers decide.


UPDATE: The Breakfast Burrito Story



So this morning I was walking by the break room and noticed large platters filled with breakfast burritos and hash browns. I asked the receptionist what the food was for and she told me that it was for a meeting that had already let out. She also let me know that if it was in the break room it was fair game. Not being one to pass up a free meal on the company dime, I decided to have me a burrito and some hash browns. The burrito was just the right amount of eggs and cheese and they had the sense not to stuff it full of stuff that people might not like. Instead they had all the fixings available on a separate platter to add if necessary. Man, I love my job. The hash browns were great too, had green and red peppers in them. I guess I could have added it to my burrito, but they were to good to muddle the flavor with egg and cheese.



On a side note, I apologize to Socialist Weenie for not being able to make the cut against the breakfast burrito. Good thing is, that I think you found a new reader in one of the people that commented. Good luck with Anonymous, he/she/it looks to be your target audience.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Campaign Promises


As some of you may know, I was contemplating on running strolling for some office here in the district, city, county, or state. I’m not sure which office to run stroll for yet. Mostly because I don’t want to do the research to find out which one does the least amount of work and has next to no responsibility. Regardless of the fact that I don’t know which position I’m running strolling for, I think I can make a few generic campaign promises. So here are some campaign promises in bullet form.

• I promise as the ______ of the district, city, county, or state, that I will not have any type of sex with any intern. Along with this, I will not ask for definitions of “is” or “sex”.


• I promise as the ______ of the district, city, county, or state, that cronyism will be blatant and out there for everyone to see. I’m sure that I will owe a lot of people favors if I ever got elected for anything, and you got to take care of those people now don’t you.


• I promise as the ______ of the district, city, county, or state, that I will help beautify the area of my responsibility, by pushing legislation for an application to be topless in public view. No more 300lb guy without shirts mowing the yard.


• I promise as the ______ of the district, city, county, or state, that protests and rallies will now be held at the city water treatment facility or the waste burn facility. Since most people that go to rallies and protest stink they will probably not notice and they won’t hold up traffic there.

• I promise as the ______ of the district, city, county, or state, that no matter what happens I will blame someone else for the problem. The buck gets passed here.

• I promise as the ______ of the district, city, county, or state, that there will be a new hunting season in the summer. Hippy hunting will be allowed between May1 and September 10. Since they will be classified varmints and pest animals there will be no bag limit.


• I promise as the ______ of the district, city, county, or state, that 24” wheels will be outlawed for any vehicle that is not a full size truck or SUV. Punishment for repeat offenders will be to drive around with 14” wheels with spinner hubcaps.


Well this is just a start. As soon as I figure out what office is the most sham job then I will be able to tailor the rest of my promises. Vote Phat Tony.

Friday, October 21, 2005

How Come…

…today is so unfunny? It’s Friday and I should be able to find something out there that can make me smile or laugh, but it’s just not happening. Tomorrow is another day I suppose, but today looks to be a completely unfunny day. Stupid gay Friday.


UPDATE: Pop sent me something funny. Hooray!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

PETA Weenie Nightmare

This might be the funniest thing ever. Not so much because of the gag, but because the PETA Weenie truly believes that something like this is possible. I’m thinking that this fruit loop is a target just waiting to get mugged. I'm thinking the best defense for PETA protests would be to threaten the release of your genitically altered midgets.





H/T Cove Rebel

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

About Par for the Course

I was sent these pictures by a friend and found my self saying, “Yah, that’s about par for a course, when you ask a guy to pose for a picture.” I know for a fact that B-Cack has a picture of himself holding a mop, broom, or any other phallus shaped object between his legs while doing the old Happy Gilmore routine at every place he’s ever been. These guys are definitely setting the standard for vacation photos.




Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Helping the Sexes Find Common Ground


Another wonderful turn out for the pointless Q&A with Phat Tony. This time I’m helping everyone better understand the opposite sex, or making up a whole bunch of useless idiotic answers. Don’t judge me yet, I haven’t even answered a question. Wait till I get started. As with all my answers, if you are dumb enough to follow the advice of a guy that placed a Dr. in front of his nickname one day, then you were destined to fail in the first place. So follow my advice if you want just understand that I’m not responsible for your gullibility.

Fmragtops asks: “Dear Dr. Phat Tony, Is there anyway to make a hippy chick move to the right? How did the Democratic Party get Hillary to do it? “

DPT: First Hillary never moved to the right it’s just a played out move that most politicians do to get a few votes from the other side. Don’t be the one that falls for that trick Fmragtops. As for moving hippy chicks to the right, there are two different ways of going about this. If facing said hippy chick, use a right cross. If hippy chick is facing away from you, go for the left cross. Both of these techniques will create the desired effect of moving her a little to the right.

Gunnnutt asks: “When will men stop believing crap that women are attracted to "sensitive", metrosexual males? “

DPT: This one is easy, next time you see a man about to go all soft and sensitive, or buy socks to mach his man bag, hit him and take his girlfriend.

Steve the Pirate asks: “Why do women seem to run from me every time I talk about pillaging booty?”

DPT: Have you tried asking them to walk your plank? Let me know how this works out for you.

Disco Tease asks: “Is it possible to spoil a husband too much?”

DPT: Absolutely, unequivocally, no! On a side note, give my wife a call would you, and let her know that it's o.k. to start spoiling me.

Conservative UAW Guy asks: “Hypothetically, If one had an alleged dead hippy (or parts of one the dog didn't eat) what would be the best discrete disposal method? Hypothetically, of course... BTW, I really like explosions and fire and stuff, so please consider that in your answer, oh mighty Doctor!”

DPT: FIRST!, I would like to say that it’s quite disgusting that you are having a relationship with parts of a dead hippy (and because I said hetero questions only I can only assume) girl. It must smell horrible. Live hippies smell bad; I’m thinking dead ones smell even worse. I say that if you have to get rid of a hippy body, have some fun. Grind up what is left and make brownies and granola bars out of it. Then pass the products out at the next anti-war rally. They will still get high and you will have the pleasure of knowing that they eat their own.

Fitch asks: “Why do women complain about their weight and then go eat a candy bar immediately afterward? Then they say "why can't I lose weight? I eat healthy meals."

DPT: They eat because they’re unhappy. They’re unhappy because they’re fat…. Or some such BS. Try offering them an exercise program full of pelvic thrusts and squats.

Megabrad asks: “Yo! I got one! DPT, how come I can never beat my wife in a farting contest? I do all the pre-prep (eating beans, jumping up and down) but every time I am outdone by her wallopping "Thunder Carrump!" Do females have some kind of unfair advantage (biological)?”

DPT: Congrats Megabrad, you’ve discovered, the once mythical, female flatulent. I could write a whole history lesson on it. Here is the thing though, that one blast from your wife might have been accumulating for months. It’s unfair to guys who usually don’t care where they are when the let one go.

Steve (not a pirate) asks: “Since women want "equal rights" shouldn't that work in the bathroom too? Put the seat back UP when they are done with it?”

DPT: “Equal rights” usually means lowering the standard for whatever was deemed unequal. I’m not saying that women are weak or stupid, I’m just saying that it dropping the toilet seat before sitting down must be one of those things women won’t show an aptitude for.

Millman asks: “DPT, why don't women want to shave? Just curious.”

DPT: Unless you are dating a hippy or French lady, then I can only assume you are speaking about the famed hairless hoo-ha. Shaving that is a bad way to go for two reasons. One, I’m betting that a woman scratching her crotch is not very attractive. Two, if it itches her, it’s going to itch you when you rub against it. The trick is to make them believe that waxing is painless. Good luck with that.

Stretch asks: “Given the fact that women are evil beings from the planet Kotex put here to torture mens' lives, why doesn't my wife appreciate my sense of humor?”

DPT: Well for starters, stop punching her when you give the punch lines to your jokes. Giving a punch line is not meant to be a cue to wail on some one.

Nightcrawler asks: “Should we trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die?”

DPT: No, but can you admit that killing a women is damn near impossible with there super human power prevents them from dying after 5 days of bleeding?

Anonymous asks: “Phat Tony why do men always worry about size? (i.e. truck size, penis size...) why do football players smack each other ass. but, can’t ask another man for directions? Would men rather a fine ass or a fine face? Why don’t men cry at weddings but, will cry when their football team wins? What’s up with that?”

DPT: Anonymous I’m glad you stopped by to ask a question, it’s nice to see a new face or lack there of. First I’m betting that the man you are referring to is someone you’ve dated or are married to. The problem is not the guy. Please stop calling his hoo hoo dilly cute. Find some other word that is more masculine when referring to a man’s hoo hoo dilly. Along with cute, never call it “just right for me”, nice, adequate, or giggle when seeing it. Football players smack each others asses because crotch grabbing will get you a 15 yard penalty. Fine face or fine ass, hmmm. Tough one. Which end will men be seeing the most of? The only man crying at a wedding should be the man getting married. If you look around you’ll notice that all the other men have a smile of sadistic pleasure. We’re just mean that way. Now the football team losing, is a little bit harder. Do you know what a point spread is or how much money is on the game?

Insolublog asks: “Why is that emergency 2:00AM plumbing repair instantly forgotten, when it's time to service my emergency 2:00AM needs?”

DPT: Strange how pipe cleaning seems to go hand in hand with last call huh Insolublog?

Pop asks: “Why can your mom chat on the dulcimer web page for hours, yet gets angry when I play Ever Quest? “

DPT: Who’s wearing the pants at that house? How can she have time to use the computer, when there is a stove in the house? I’ll tell you how, ‘cause women have a monopoly on something that you just can’t get at the local corner store. Well, at least not where I live.

Wyatt Earp asks: “Being an uber-successful blogger, I worry sometimes that women want me for my fame, and not my less tangible assets. Is there a sure-fire way to tell when a woman is interested in the "real" me?”

DPT: The real you being a self proclaimed, over weight, policeman that likes hockey? Um, gee Wyatt if they still talk to you after knowing this, then it’s a good sign.

Fitch asks: “Why are all the good questions from men and all the crappy questions from women?”

DPT: It’s just manly to be competitive, I guess. Another possibility is that all the women were to busy cooking and cleaning to come and ask thoughtful questions.


Man this one was a long one. You guys might be getting sued for my carpal tunnel.

Yay, Tuesday is Question Day


It's that time again. I've actually put some thought into this weeks topic for Q&A. I've done a few free for all Q&A bits. I've also explained the southern point of view, answered some question about the military and helped you guys with raising your children. This week I'm accepting questions about relationships (hetero only). Go ahead ask me anything about the fairer sex. Women feel free to ask me about guys. I'll post the answers this evening. Remember every question asked is a free link.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Obscure Quotes

Today I’m posting some quotes from one of my favorite authors, Robert Asprin. I’ve been reading his novels since I was 8 or 9. Robert Asprin is the author of the Myth series and also the Phule series, both of which are sci-fi humor. I’m sure I’m taking his quotes out of context, so please don’t write me and let me know that he’s a raving liberal or closet communist. The point is that it doesn’t matter. The quotes work well in the context that I’m putting them in.

The first quote refers to the ability for college students to be misguided at best.

“Of course, for hotbeds of sedition and revolution, one need look no further than institutes of higher education. Rampant idealism untempered by the practicalities of having to earn a living is great for producing droves of untested youths who are convinced they know how to run the world better than those currently in charge” ~R .L. Asprin

The next quote speaks of why the army works the way it does.

“Oh, I know a lot of people see a soldier’s life as being subservient. That it’s the role of a mindless robot subject to the nonsensical orders and whims of his superior officers… including Generals. The fact is that an army has to be united in purpose, or it’s ineffectual. Each man in it voluntarily agrees to follow the chain of command because it’s the most effective way to achieve a common goal. A soldier who doesn’t know what he wants or why he’s fighting is worthless. Even worse, he’s a danger to anyone and everyone who’s counting on him.” ~R. L. Asprin

I especially like this next quote as I see it as a good example as to why we must fight terrorism and countries that threaten us.

“Think of a young man who trains himself so that he won’t be bullied by older, larger men. He lifts weights to develop his muscles, studies various forms of armed and unarmed combat, and practices long hard hours with one objective in mind: To harden himself to where he won’t have to knuckle under to anyone.”

“What would you say, then, if that same young man subsequently let every pipsqueak and bravo shove him around because he was afraid he’d hurt them if he pushed back?”

“I’d say he was a bloody idiot.” ~R. L. Asprin

Friday, October 14, 2005

Link Pimpin’ Time

I’m adding two more people to my blogroll. Meet Daniel Levesque, and Cowboy Blob. Daniel has placed me on his blogroll and Cowboy Blob has featured a few of my articles. Both of these acts earns a place on my sidebar.

On another note: How many blogs does Jimmyb write on?

WTF of the Week

Last night I went to a CERT (Community Emergency Response Team) class. I figured I would check out the class and see if it was something that would be good for the company I work for. What I found had me scratching my head in disbelief. The information given out in the class is decent and well intended. The bad news is that the people attending the class give me the distinct feeling that I will need to buy more weapons so that I can defend myself from these weirdoes.

First let me explain the whole CERT thing. People in CERT, which volunteer for a team, are used to respond to and help other professional groups that also respond to disasters. You might see them occasionally on the news. They wear green vests with CERT written on the back of them and are usually handing out water, directing traffic, or doing searches. This is definitely a noble cause that could help with recovery after a disaster. The unfortunate part is that the majority of the people I saw at the class last night probably don’t have the ability to help themselves much less me. I wouldn’t let these wackos come within 100 yards of my home or family. Let me clue you in on what I’m talking about.

First there was the ever present know-it-all in the class that felt compelled to elaborate or give a personal story after the instructor said anything. Every class that I’ve ever been to always has one. This class had two and they would “one up” each other taking up my precious time. I was about ready to stand up and leave till someone offered a pretty funny comment as they were in one of there “Well I saw (add disaster that would top last comment here”. The guy just said “The cheetah is the fastest land animal” as loud as he could as they were in the middle trying to give obscure facts and references. I laughed and they finally shut up.

The next type of person that was there was the “hero”. Everyone knows some one like this. They are the people that talk about the time that they helped some one in a car accident, or gave first aid to some one in Wal Mart. Mostly they’re full of crap and probably would pass out at the sight of blood. They talk a good game but I’ve found that the people who talk the most about helping people are usually the most inept when it comes time to actually do something. God help whoever they try to help.

The last one, and the one that scares me the most, is the Alabama militia. I didn’t even know that there was a militia in Alabama, but I can see why they would try to stay out of the news. I saw a few people wearing BDUs, but noticed that they were wearing class A rank on them and had some kind of funky unit patch. I thought it had something to do with police academy at first. But, then as everyone started to introduce themselves, they said their name and rank in the Alabama State Defense Force. That’s fricken scary. I did some research and found their website and now am saving my money to buy me weapons, lots or them. The scariest part is this, and I quote, “If required, the Alabama State Defense Force will occupy and secure armories and other essential areas designated by the Governor; assist local and state law enforcement agencies in the preservation of law and order; perform security missions at vital installations and protect life and property in case of natural disaster.” Over my dead body with hands gripping a rifle, will I accept an order from a wackadoo in a uniform impersonating a soldier. I sure hope the governor has the sense never to call upon these people to do anything. I digress, next week when I go back to the class I’ll pay more attention to these weirdoes.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Memorial Medical Conversation

Shortly after the hurricane had made landfall a conversation was overheard at the Memorial Medical Center in New Orleans and retold to me which is now being put down on my blog. Enjoy.

3 days after Katrina makes landfall.

Doctor: All right everyone let’s get ready to evacuate.

Patient: “cough”

Nurse: Doctor this man here just coughed.

Doctor: Well you know what to do.

Nurse brandishes hammer.

Nurse: O.k. sir, you might feel a dull pain for a second.

Patient: Wait, I didn’t cough.

Nurse: I heard you cough sir. We can’t waste our time trying to evacuate people who may not make it.

Patient: No, I cleared my throat. I didn’t cough.

Nurse: Sir, we don’t have time to argue. We need to start evacuating and you’re holding everyone up with your illness.

Patient: Look I’m not ill. I had some orange juice this morning and it makes my spit a little thick. All I did was clear my throat.

Nurse: Doctor, please come here. We have a patient that is refusing to accept his mercy killing.

Doctor: Sir I’m sorry that you are too ill to make the trip out of here. You’ll just have to accept your death gracefully.

Patient: I’m not sick.

Doctor: You can take this mercy killing the easy way or the hard way sir.

Patient: What the hell is the easy way? What are you going to hit me a whole bunch with the hammer if I take the hard way.

Doctor: Oh yeah, right. I’m sorry about the hammer sir but we ran out of medicine that would make people die quietly. There was an outbreak of pink eye on the third floor. In consolation the nurse has only had to hit one person more than once to put them down. I think the odds are good that it only takes one tap with you. After all you’re terminally ill.

Nurse: Hey that guy raised his hands when I tried to put him out of his misery. He didn’t count.

Patient: I’m not terminally anything. I was just clearing my throat.

Doctor: Denial is usually the first step. We just don't have time for you to make it all the way to acceptance.

Patient: I’m not going to let you do this.

Doctor: There are two reason you wouldn’t be able to evacuate. One is because you are too sick to make the trip and two is because you shoe is untied.

Patient: My shoe is untied? (bends over)

Nurse: WHACK!

Doctor: It was the way he would have wanted to go, peacefully and with dignity.

Nurse: Sure, whatever. Alright the rest of you, let’s get ready to evacuate. Hey you over there. Did I just see you rub your eye!?

The real story

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The Skinny on Skinny Pimp

I read a comment on an old article (I never really finished it) and saw a comment posted by this girl. She happens to be a current friend of Skinny Pimp. She even has a picture of her and him on her site (scroll down, see Jon). Seeing the picture reminded me of a story about good ‘ol Skinny Pimp that I have to relay. One, because it’s funny, and two, cause it will give his friend more ammunition to make fun of him.

Skinny Pimp was one of the commo weenies that was in my LRS unit. He also happened to be a decent guy that hung out with me and B-Cack on occasion. What set Skinny Pimp apart from most of the unit though was that he had internet access in his barracks room. This was a bonus since most people didn’t want to pay to have access in their room and also because they closed down the communal computer for the company, after some people were checking out pron on it.

So every once in a while I would cruise down the hallway, knock on Skinny Pimp’s door, and breeze through to check my email and such. This night was no different. I knocked, open the door, and said “What up Skinny Pimp?” Strange thing was, there was no answer. Now it’s not like Skinny Pimp to leave his door unlocked, but the lights were turned off and no one answered me. I, being the wonderful friend that I am, decided I would lock his door for him and head back to my room and wait till he got back. As I looked closer I noticed a dull glow of a monitor from around his corner where he kept his computer. I decided to investigate. As I turned the corner I saw something that (I thought this had been purged from my memory but the picture on his friend’s site brought it back) that was truly horrifying. Sitting in front the computer sat Skinny Pimp, stark naked, with only Windows on the screen.

Now I had a real dilemma. There was only three options for me really. One was to go back to my room, grab a camera, take pictures, and post them through out the barracks. The second was to leave his door wide open so that everyone else could find him. The last option (what I chose to do) was to lock the door to his room, go back to my room, watch girl on girl pron to try to get the image of Skinny Pimp naked out of my head. This worked for many years and I have never thought about this occurrence up until I visited his friend’s site and saw his picture.

If this isn’t ammunition for his friends, then I don’t know what is.

I Refuse to Run Anywhere


I’m not sure what happened yesterday, but it seems that my offer to help the Republicans turned into a discussion about me running for a public office. Truth be told, I made a promise never to run again after I left the Army. This doesn’t mean that I wont try to be elected for some sort of position; it just means that we won’t be calling it “running”. Let’s call it strolling for office, or perhaps moseying for office. I’m not sure what office I’ll be strolling for, but I think I can come out with a clear campaign agenda without actually deciding that detail. Honestly I need to do some research to find a public office that has the least amount of responsibility, but still has enough influence to collect a whole bunch of PAC money. Keep your eye out for one and let me know which one would be best. Constable was a good idea, but I would have to take a peace officer course, and I’m just not one for peace.

Next on the list is to start with cronyism and hand out positions to friends and people that gave me money. Insolublog bought some swag, he will be selected as a special advisor like Karl Rove. Insolublog will be in charge of sending out the talking points to the blogosphere and Fox News everyday. He will also be in charge of conspiracies and evil plots. I think he’s the right man for the job. Insolublog, do you have a black cloak?

I will also need a press secretary. I think A4G, being the incredible news source that he is, fits this position well. I’ve seen the positions he can get into, thanks to the magic of web cams, and this position should be a lot less stressful than that thing you did, that one time, on a dare. Plus, spin is A4G’s specialty (or so I’ve heard).

I’m not sure who my running mate strolling buddy would be. It would have to be some one with lot’s of vices as it would be hard to be a vice-anything without enjoying smoking, drinking, gambling, porn……Never mind B-Cack will be my running mate strolling buddy. I can’t think of anyone with more vices than him. Sorry Tyler D. I’ll create a position for you so that you can wreak havoc on Huntsville.

Pop is going to be the star of most of my commercials. Basically, whoever is strolling against me will be charged with hating old people. Pop will give fake first hand accounts of my opponent’s cruelty to the elderly.

I will also need to set up a campaign headquarters. I’m not doing this at my house (my wife has already said that’s a no go) so anyone that has space available is a possibility. I’m willing to give special privileges after I’m elected, so keep that in mind as you try to make your decision on whether or not you want to volunteer your home. One condition is that there is always beer available; beer and a Play station 2.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I’m Helping the Republicans

I received a letter from Patrick Ruffini this morning and thought I would share our correspondence. I think this might be a way to let the GOP know what the common man was thinking, since I’m more common than most.

I have some news. Starting this week, I'm starting on a new path and taking leave from the day-to-day work of writing my blog at PatrickRuffini.com. I'll now be working at the Republican National Committee as their new eCampaign Director, helping make GOP.com a driver of votes and volunteer action in 2006. Needless to say, it's a job that will require all the time I've got! My announcement post is here.

I've also set up a special e-mail address, ideasATpatrickruffini.com, where you can share your ideas on what we can do to advance the Republican cause online. Let me hear from you.

Mr. Ruffini,

Congratulations on your position as the eCampaign Director, I hope that you do some good and help the Republicans remain in the majority; as long as some conditions are met.

You wanted ideas, and I have a few. Not only will these ideas keep Republicans in the majority, but will also increase the amount of them in office. I hope that you can relay these points to Karl Rove or whoever is in charge of directing ideology. I will write them in bullet form, so that it will be easy for you to pick and choose what you would like to relay.

• Grow testicles. This is completely metaphorical, but good advice to our Republicans currently in office. How long can the minority party push the Republicans around? Why not step up to the plate and start pushing the agenda that we voted for.

• You guys are pissing me off with all the spending. Tax cuts=good. Spending like a 17 year old girl at the mall with daddy’s credit card=bad.

• Homeland security is a farce, if we can’t control who comes and goes through our porous border. Try a fence. If that doesn’t work, try a wall. If that doesn’t work, try a mine field. I really don’t care how the border is kept safe as long as it is being controlled.

• Social Security is a scam, and I’m tired of paying into a failing system. I’m 29 years old and could have a lot more money going towards my retirement if it wasn’t for the forced investment into Social Security. I know old people vote, but they aren’t voting Republican. AARP has a hold of their leash and old people will vote anyway they tell them to. Don’t pander to them; it’s a waste of time.

• Start fighting back. How many times must I see a Dem bad mouthing Republicans or the President? Say something already. For example; LANDRIEU: “And if one person criticizes them or says one more thing, including the President of the United States he will hear from me. One more word about it after this show airs and I might likely have to punch them, literally.” ANY REPUBLICAN “Instead of picking fist fights with people over pointing out the obvious failings of the local governments in LA, Landrieu should be fighting the corruption of the government in LA so things like this don’t happen again.” See that wasn’t so hard. It was even civil.

• Call it what it is. If a grieving mother goes all crazy and socialist, then call her a crazy socialist. If Muslim terrorists blow something up, then call them Muslim terrorists. You don’t have to add extreme, militant, or fringe to it. When the Muslim community starts policing their own, then we can start separating the Muslim terrorists from the rest of them. Until that happens though, their going to have to live with the stigma of being a violent religion.

Of course these are just humble opinions of a working class conservative. I really doubt that anyone is listening besides the few people that read my blog. With that said, if the Republicans don’t change their ways, they will lose to a 3rd party candidate and a Democrat will be the next president.

Sincerely
Dr. Phat Tony

Monday, October 10, 2005

Happy Birfday

I’m not sure why it is that me and my wife get invited to so many children’s birthday parties, but we end up going to quite a few. Most of the time we bring my 3 year old niece and let her run around with the kids while my wife talks to her friends and I drink. Usually the only person I have to talk to is Mukrz. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy the conversation; it’s just that there is only so much you can catch up on before you run out of topics and just stand around. This weekend was one of those weekends that we participated in birthday parties. One party was for a two year old, who is the child of some acquaintances, and one was for my nephew who turned 9.

Let’s start with the two year old’s birthday party on Saturday. Can’t say that it was the best time that I had. For one thing, most people there were not speaking English. One of the draw backs of having a wife who’s first language isn’t English. It’s good for her, because she gets a chance to relax and speak to people in her native tongue. Bad for me, because Mukrz is usually the only one that is proficient enough in English to hold a conversation with me. Another draw back is that Mukrz is fluent in Polish (my wife’s native language) and has the ability to speak to everyone at the party. I spend a lot of time standing around smiling like a moron, and drinking a lot of booze. This weekend the booze was a no go, cause I was on-call and had to keep my sobriety just in case. All in all, I was ready to leave almost as soon as we got there.

On Sunday was my nephew’s birthday. It was a little more interesting, but was problem riddled. The strippers didn’t show up. The band did, but were already too wasted to play. Again, the booze was there but I was still on call. Pop, got drunk and yelled “Boobies!” every so often. I learned my 9 year old nephew can’t hold his liquor. Pop almost lost an eye when a Smarty was launched out of a dispenser. I still can’t figure out what that little robot was supposed to do besides look surprised when you pushed the button on his head. I did play some PlayStation with my nephew. I wooped up on him, but then again I wasn’t drinking. We ended up leaving before things got out of hand.

It could have been worse. I have a friend who attended 4 birthday parties in a span of 2 days. I might have to reconsider assisted suicide if I was put through that.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Discovery of America


Columbus Day is this Monday, and I thought it was fitting if I gave everyone a brief history about the discovery of America.

Columbus was a lowly enforcer for the mob in Italy in the lat 1400s. In order for him to advance in the mob he had to do something big to impress Don Alfonso. Columbus decided that he could impress the don by finding a quicker way to get to India to collect the protection money by sailing West in the Atlantic. Unfortunately Don Alfonso wouldn’t front the money for the trip and Columbus was forced to get the Spanish Mafia (Vatos Locos) to loan the money for the trip.

Head goomba for the Spanish mob was Ferdinand II, better known on the streets as “El Lobo de Asesino” or “Killer Wolf”. He wasn’t to hype about lending a wise guy the money to help the Italian Mob find a way to increase their bottom line. Thankfully Columbus knew how to sling salami and convinced Ferdinand’s b**ch, Isabella, to convince Ferdinand it was a sound way to make a quick buck.

So off Columbus went in three low riding sea craft, pimped out to the hilt. The names of his three rides were The Nana, The Pinto, and The Pina Colada. Columbus and his crew cruised the ocean lost for a while (Columbus really only knew about his hood back in West Florence) when they finally spotted what we now call America. After landing his ride, Columbus quickly realized that he took the wrong exit on 278 and ended up some place new. He had found Indians with feathers, not dots.

Not wanting to go back and get wacked by Ferdinand, Columbus had to find something worth enough to cover the expense and the interest that was now accumulating daily. Luckily the Indians he did find had some products that would make him some Benjamins in the Barrio. The Indians that he had found had been running their own drug ring for ages, and also had cigarettes with out all those pesky taxes. Besides the drug ring, the Indians were making a killing off their casinos. Columbus hatched a plot that would put him on top and give him enough power to advance in the mob once he got back home. He started smuggling the duty free cigarettes, coke, and some bomb weed back across the ocean and made a killing by hooking the vatos. Columbus also started a protection racket with the casinos taking a large cut of the profits. It was too easy for Columbus. If any Indian got brave enough to stand up to him, Columbus would lock him in a room with a 4 year old with chicken pox. Columbus was promoted to a sub-chieftain in charge of the East Coast of the West part of the Atlantic. Unfortunately, Columbus developed a $500 a day coke habit and ended up losing his position and dying poor. The end.

Here's a link to Basil's Breakfast

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Link Pimping

Alright I’ve got to hand out some links. I know most of my readers are already reading some of these but maybe some crazy Google search weirdo will click on a link and make a new fan for one of these bloggers.

First is that Carnival of Comedy. Don Surber is hosting so make sure you go and check it out.

Next is Telebush, who is an x-marine that is now wading his way through the bastion of liberal ideas, better known as higher education.

Also What Panda has been added to the blogroll. Congrats, you’ve strived for mediocrity and succeeded.

So it wasn’t the greatest post but I’m coming up zero this morning. Maybe by lunch something hysterical will come to me.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

A Bill O’Reilly Scandal That Doesn’t Involve a Loofah


Breaking News! A new scandal is hitting the blogosphere with enormous repercussions for the star of the O’Reilly Factor, Bill O’Reilly. Rumor has it that O’Reilly, while not into spin, likes to kill cats with a claw hammer. The investigative team here at Dr. Phat Tony’s has uncovered a picture that gives credence to these rumors. Notice the pin on O’Reilly’s jacket, when blown up it shows his true feelings about cats. Although this picture alone is not enough to bring O’Reilly up on charges, it does show that O’Reilly holds felines in contempt. If anyone else can uncover other incriminating pictures of O’Reilly’s kitten bashing fetish, track back to this post.

Update! Investigative reporters, here at Dr. Phat Tony’s, have uncovered another scandal involving O’Reilly but not a loofah. Anonymous sources (hookers in time square) have said that O’Reilly was once a woman that closely resembled Helen Thomas. If anyone has any photographic proof of this rumor, track back to this post.

Dr. Phat Tony Gets All Politicallyish

I know I made up that word, but I have a legitimate complaint. Judge Roy Moore is throwing his hat into the Governor race. I made this prediction a few months ago. To be more specific I said, “I honestly think that the only thing that Judge Roy Moore was thinking about when he made that monument was “How can I get myself noticed so I can run for governor?” I guess I was right on. This is going to be ugly. I’m not a big fan of Moore and don’t think he would make a good Governor. He’s already wasted time, money, and drug Alabama through the mud over a selfish cause. I still contend that there was no decent reason for the monument and it was a waste of money. Only 3 of the Ten Commandments apply to any of the laws in Alabama. (Yes I know that there are depictions of the Ten Commandments in other courthouses, and if the builders of Alabama’s Judicial Building put it there, then I have no problem preserving a historical landmark regardless of religious depiction.) Only two things can be brought about by him running. One, he gets elected and starts enacting all those blue laws and makes religion a focal point for everything. No more buying beer on Sundays and say goodbye to all the people moving to Alabama to avoid the crazy lefties extremes in other states (Yes crazy righty extremes are just as annoying). Two, he takes enough votes away from a decent candidate and gets Don Siegelman elected.

There are others who think this is a good idea. I think they are a bit off on their reasons though. Just because some one fights the ACLU (I’m not fond of them) doesn’t mean that they’re right or stands on higher ground. I still say he cost the taxpayers a lot of money for something that did nothing to enhance the ability of the court to do its job. The monument to the Ten Commandments is at a church now, and out of the Courthouse. Alabamians got sent a half a million dollar bill because of it. He has written a book and is making money off of the whole thing. Not very fiscally responsible of Judge Moore to slip the bill to taxpayers for his monument when there are so many other things that Alabama could be spending money on. As a matter of fact this whole thing seems like one big selfish indulgence and attempt to be noticed. He played being a victim of religious persecution to the hilt for political gain and people are jumping on the bandwagon because of it.

Another issue that he will be running on is the lottery (Don Siegelman’s baby) and other moral issues. I could care less one way or the other if Alabama has a lottery. I’ll drive the 15 min to Tennessee to buy my ticket if I want to play. Everyone else will drive to Florida, Georgia, or Mississippi and support their school system. Republicans are supposed to be the party that believes in personal responsibility, but yet want to control how you spend your money. I have the right to fail. As far as morality, this revealing quote from Moore tells most of it, “But I’ll tell you what I will do. I will defend the right of every citizen of this state - including judges, coaches, teachers, city, county and state officials - to acknowledge God as the sovereign source of law, liberty and government,”. That was very pretty Moore. Would you allow a teacher to pray to the devil in a classroom out loud and force the students to be quiet while doing it? How about if a judge decides to hang a cross upside down in a courtroom or put a golden calf in the outside of the front door? If you didn’t allow these things, wouldn’t you be persecuting them for their religious beliefs? If you open the gates for this, be prepared to see things that you don’t want to see. You really can't have it both ways.

Judge Moore is saying some good things though. His campaign platform reads well, and I agree with it. I just can’t bring myself to elect a person who used religion and feigned persecution as tools to advance his political career and to be noticed. I can't bring myself to vote for some one that doesn't have the forsight to see what would happen if some one with different religious beliefs came to a seat of power. I guess if I have to choose between Moore and Siegelman for governor, I’ll just have to stay home and let the rest of Alabama decide and hope that the following Sunday I’ll be able to buy a six pack if I choose.


This wasn’t funny at all.

I Hate Choosing

I know how Bush feels now when he has to choose a SCOTUS nominee. Today is the day that I have to decide which article to submit to the Carnival of Comedy. This is something that I dread, only because I’m never sure what is really funny. Most of the things I write at least make me smile, but sometimes something I write really strikes a chord with some readers. Personally I thought having a National Swallows day was hilarious but I don’t think it went over well with the crowd. On the other hand A Broken English Lesson did real well with folks. So, what’s the word readers? What should I be sending to the Carnival of Comedy? Leave a suggestion in the comments, and help a brother out.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

You Know That I Know


It was a free for all and thus I have questions that take me all over the spectrum of WTF. As always none of these answers constitute an agreement between the question asker and me. All advice should be taken with a grain of salt. After all, the Dr. in from of my name stands for dur.

Steve the Pirate asks, "If you could build a time machine: Who would you visit and learn from? Who would you visit and kill?"

DPT: Not so interested in going back in time to learn something. Let’s face it; the computer on my desk has more processing speed than anything built before 1980, so they can’t be all that smart. Now ‘the who would I visit and kill’ question has me intrigued. I’m thinking that if I could travel back with a M240G and a few thousand rounds, I would head to ancient Greece or Rome. How cool would it be to mow down a whole bunch of soldiers that could only throw rocks and an occasional spear? It would be like Israelis killing Palestinians. (Free tip: Never throw a rock at a tank.)

Gunnnut asks, "What's the best method of taking out a co-worker who brought the flu to work and spread it around?"

DPT: The best story of revenge I’ve ever heard was when my old man told me about a guy in his unit in Korea that was purposely trying to get the clap. The soldier my father knew was sleeping with the First Sergeant’s wife and figure he could extract revenge by sort of third party giving it to him. If you’re not willing to go this far, try spiking his Nyquil with arsenic.

Pop asks, "How do we convince our congressmen that giving away missile guidance technology to China and accepting campaign contributions from China are much more Impeachable than a BJ in the oval office."

DPT: Tough call, but I’m thinking it has something to do with finding the right voltage.

Steve the non-pirate asks, "How come every time I see Hillary Clinton I throw up in my mouth a little bit?"

DPT: This is a completely natural defense mechanism. Your body is preparing itself for attack. By throwing up a little in your mouth, you have made yourself ready to spit in the face of evil.

Wyatt Earp asks, "Why won't Jessica Biel accept any of my phone calls?"

DPT: First, stop breathing so heavily into the phone; it’s creepy. Second, does your wife know about this?

A4G asks, "How come we have ten fingers, but only two nostrils?"

DPT: We need more fingers than we do nostrils because, depending on what you are trying to get out of your nose, size and shape of finger comes into play. We need a variety of sizes and shapes of fingers just for two nostrils. If we had more than two nostrils we would need a lot more fingers, which would be great for typing but would make the pistol grips on weapons incredibly long and stupid looking.

Pop asks, "Why are republican women so much prettier than democrat women?"

DPT: It’s really not about looks. It’s about class. There are some hot lib women. It’s just that, you know with some money and an 8 ball of coke you could have them. Republican woman will make you work harder for the goods, and we all know it’s about the chase.

Damian G. asks, "Why the hell did my blog traffic crash last week even though I posted a whole bunch of stuff?"

DPT: I think you might be asking the wrong person here. I’m no puppy blender, and thus can’t direct hit’s anywhere really. Try sending a really mean hate mail to one of those wacky lib blogs. Maybe they will post it and make you famous.

Anna asks, "If a liberal tree-hugger speaks in the woods, is it still a lie?"

DPT: Most tree-huggers don’t realize that they’re lying. If they are in the woods spouting their eco-friendly propaganda then an animal that thinks that all vegetarians are a food source will probably eat them.

Tyler D. asks, "Oh for crying out loud. I give up. The text isn't going to show. Did you get that bike yet?"

DPT: No I sure didn’t, but thanks for rubbing it in. I’ll be waking up early tomorrow to share a ride with my wonderful wife. Are you happy now!? What kind of text are you talking about?

Lil B-Cack asks, "How come dirty, smelly hippies insist on coming up to me and ask me to join in their various hippie shenanigans (protests etc)? Why do they give me dirty looks when I finish yelling at them and giving them life advice? Oh, and why are midgets so cool?

DPT: Let’s break down your first question. If women are asking you to help protest, then they are man hating lesbians and want to score with you. If men are asking you to protest, then they don’t have the balls to ask you out on a date but still want to score with you. The dirty looks are because they realize that you will some day be their boss and refuse to let them have a 3-day weekend to march on Washington. All midget question should be directed at B-Cack, ‘cause if he can’t tell you, then no one can.

A4G asks, "Who would want to buy a used anal probe?"

DPT: I’m thinking an alien that is down on their luck and can’t afford a new one.

Katey Kakes asks, "How long were/have you been in the service?"

DPT: Long enough to watch killers take sensitivity training. I was there long enough to watch the Army turn itself into a PC prooving ground. This amounts to 3 years and 17 weeks.

That's all for this week. Come back in two weeks for more of my ever growing knowledge.

Ask Already


It’s that time again. Time for me to answer the questions that burn within your mind (I’m not answering any questions about burning in any other part of your body). It’s a free for all today. Any question, any topic, they are all valid questions. I will do my best to give you an answer, but be warned that the FDA hasn’t approved any of my advice. So go ahead ask me something so I can get started on research.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Peace Keeping Sucks

B-Cack and I have talked about this in the past and come up with same conclusion when it comes to troops performing peace missions, such as peace keeping and humanitarian aid. We both think it sucks. Maybe it’s because both he and I joined the Army to be killers, or we have an understanding of how the military mind works when it comes to the average GI. If given a choice between handing out MREs or killing terrorists, I think both he and I would choose the latter. I understand that all people don’t join the Army to become a steely eyed killer. Some people join up to become a paper pushing, wrench turning, support weenie. That’s fine by me, because they support the killers and make them more effective. I don’t think anyone joins up with dream of handing out bottled water and stacking sandbags to keep flood waters from taking over neighborhoods. The biggest misunderstanding I think most people have about the Army is that soldiers are here to defend the United States from all threats. The truth is that soldiers are here to fight wars and kill bad guys (Defend against all enemies both foreign and domestic.), not save cities from natural disasters.

Let me try to explain another way. Let’s compare a policeman with a soldier. A policeman is trained to work with civilians and shooting some one is usually a last resort. A soldier is trained to make sure they don’t shoot a civilian, but shooting enemies is goal number one. A soldier is trained to close with, engage, and kill the enemy. A policeman is trained to determine who the bad guy is and capture him alive if at all possible. This may seem like semantics to you, but there is a world of difference to the people performing a job. There is no hesitation from a soldier when they see some one with a weapon who is not wearing the US or other friendly country's uniform. A policeman does not have this luxury; they have to temper their reaction to make sure that an innocent isn’t killed by mistake. For a soldier, if you look like the enemy; BANG your dead.

Why is this important? Simply put, we do not want to change the role of our soldiers. We need them to be the efficient killing machines that they train to be. No hesitation. No remorse. Kill the bad guys and win the war. If we have our soldiers train up to be peace keepers and policemen, we are training them to fail in battle. If there is a need for federal employees to respond to emergencies and hand out blankets then we should start thinking about creating that job, but to use our trained killers to perform these tasks is a misappropriation of skill and firepower. Or as B-Cack bluntly put it,” Someone needs to let (people) know that a soldier's job is to close with and destroy the enemy using firepower, maneuver and shock effect........ not taking care of domestic issues."

Then again maybe I’m way off.

A Needed Conversation for Protestors

A Needed Conversation for Protestors

I happened to notice how many Communist and Socialist groups were at the peace protest a few weeks ago, and my friend sent me a conversation that their parents should be having with them. One day they will grow up and change their ways or they’ll become teachers and remain misinformed.

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."