Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Don’t Stop Cindy

Dear Mrs. (Soon to be running for Senator) Sheehan,

I can not begin to express my pleasure at the prospect of you running against Senator Feinstein for the Senate. Long have I waited for some one like you to push yourself into the spotlight for the Democratic Party. You have shown that the so called progressives and liberals in the Democratic Party aren’t as progressive or as liberal as their constituents.

When was the last time anyone saw Democratic leadership show their support for Hugo Chaves, a true visionary in the Communist and Socialist movement? Where was the Democratic leadership when you were calling for the end of occupation in New Orleans? How come the current Democratic leadership isn’t speaking about the Zionist Jews that have taken over our government? Surely all these things are absent because the Democratic Party has no courage, or because it’s a Zionist/ Neocon conspiracy to stifle their dissent. Either way, I’m sure that you would be allowed to speak out.

I think you should not stop at running for the Senate Mrs. Sheehan. Surely for the sake of all that’s holy in the Democratic Party you would contemplate being Howard Dean’s running mate for the 2008 Presidential election. It would be truly amazing to see you on the news every night expressing the core values of the Democratic Party. If you haven’t seen the overwhelming support by the online vote, then you don’t know just how much people want you to run as a Democrat against that so called liberal Feinstein. Come to think about it, she might be a part of the Zionist conspiracy that you talk about.

In closing, keep up wonderful speeches and your Anti-Bush, anti-war, anti-capitalism views. I know that you will find the monetary support for your campaign from such groups like Code Pink, Socialist Workers Movement, The American Communist Party, Hamas, Socialist Party USA, Hizballah, and Ansar Al-Islam, for I’m sure they share much of your views on peace and economic distribution.

Run Cindy run!
Hat Tip to Dean04Prez

Monday, January 30, 2006

Weekend Over View

Well I got to speak to B-Cack and to Expletive Delph this weekend. I video conferenced over an IM program with B-Cack. It was good to speak and to see him. He even showed me his wife’s cat. I think that was the first time anyone I knew personally has ever shared that with me. It was odd that the hair on the bottom was darker than the hair on top.

Expletive Delph and I also IMed each other. The stupid voice thing wouldn’t work, other wise we would have actually spoke to each other. It’s always strange to catch up with someone who you haven’t talked with in a long time. There is always so much to say but it’s hard to find a starting point. Also, Expletive Delph is looking for a little Latin Lovin’ so Si usted sabe a una mujer con un miembro masculino, mándelos al Fort Bragg. (Insert evil laugh here.)

I’m all for Cindy Sheehan running for senate. Please show your support by going here and voting. Since her insanity won’t stop, I say we see just how idiotic she can become.

I’ve been nominated for a best so far award. To win, people have to vote for me. I think most can remember how well that went the last time.

I’m going to be buying a lottery ticket tomorrow, since it’s in the 9 digit pay-off now. I know that I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning or bitten by a shark than I do winning the lottery. Because of that, when I win I will make sure that I have lots of lightning rods and never swim in open water again.

I guess that’s all there is to be said about the weekend. Leave me some other things that are more likely to happen than me winning the lottery in the comments. I just don’t feel like doing the research.

Heh, found something interesting.

Odds of winning Powerball grand prize 1 in 80,089,128
Lifetime odds:
Odds of falling on a flat surface and dying 1 in 5,766
Odds of drowning in your bathtub 1 in 10,582
Odds of dying from a poisonous snake or lizard 1 in 1,241,661
Odds of dying from accidental suffocation or strangulation in bed 1 in 7,318

Friday, January 27, 2006

Hamas Passes Conservation Bill

The new Hamas majority government of Palestine wasted no time in passing its first bill. The first legislation passed was a conservation bill hoping to improve the decreasing numbers of a national resource.

Imnoin Mahmoud, the elected official who introduced the bill, says, “For too long Palestinian Government has been neglecting the conservation of one our most beloved resources. Our rocks have been squandered and now were to the point of only having small pebbles to throw at each other and the Israelis.” He added, “A conservation program is the only way we can grow the population of adult rocks and possibly regain the numbers of years ago. Allah Akbar.”

Bei Aingeo, the geologist that helped draft the conservation program, explained the details. He said, “It takes many years for a rock to become a mature rock. We have just been pillaging the normal supply for too long. I’m hoping that by reintroducing rocks in some of the more decimated areas, like the Gaza strip and the Government building, that this will encourage the population of rocks, so that we can again have something substantial to hurl. Jihad! Jihad!”

Another part of this bill is to instruct children on the proper handling of rocks, so that when they become adults the cycle of waste will stop. Imnoin Mahmoud said, “We are starting to teach children the importance of our local rock population and the best way to conserve this wonderful resource. We have started a baseball program that should help them with their aim. This should reduce the amount of rocks we have to throw before we get mowed down by tank fire. Allah be praised and I hate Jews. Jihad!”

Precision Guided Humor Assignment. (But I wrote this way early)


Yesterday I received an Email from a SPC at CENTCOM. He wanted to thank me for my support and ask me if I would link to the CENTCOM website. If you look to the right you will see the CENTCOM coin and if you click on the picture it will take you to their site. I’m doing this for two reasons. The first reason is because most reporters pretty much copy and paste the press release from CENTCOM. The second is because there is more than just a report on the latest deaths. No really! Strange enough, the media doesn’t seem to report all the good things happening in Iraq(u) or Afghanistan. I go to their press release page and see that out of 20 releases, since Jan 12, only one has a headline with casualties in it.

Why wouldn’t the news cover the rest of these things? I don’t know, but I think I will be from now on. I want to thank the SPC from CENTCOM that took the time to send me the email and encourage me to link them. I also encourage everyone else to go there and see the things our troops are doing.

Thursday, January 26, 2006


Sorry it took so long to post. I was busy arguing over grammar. I’ve got a great story for tomorrow though, and this should make up for the unfunny post on Wednesday.

CUG asks, “Why did Ginsberg get a pass from Republicans, but Alito will be put into the Supremes on a party line vote?
Why are Democrats such asshats these days?”

DPT: It seems their party has been taken over by anti-war pro-abortion tree huggin’ communists. I think this answers both questions.

Steve the Pirate asks, “If Ted Kennedy kills a woman in the woods and nobody's around to hear it, did he really make a sound?”

DPT: He didn’t make a sound, but seismographs in California documented his movement.

Pop asks, “If the statement,"We shouldn't pull out." is mentioned in your house. Is it referring to our presence in Iraq, or something having to do with your previous post?”

DPT: That statement is usually said be me when trying to keep my wife from driving into traffic.

Wyatt Earp asks, “Can you give us second-by-second (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt) updates on your attempts to, um, "slip one past the goalie?”

DPT: That’s the most disgusting, crass, low down thing that could ever be put onto a blog…I’ll see what I can do about live blogging it.

Fiar asks, “I previously mentioned that you only have 2 options: Divorce, or become Dr. Phat Daddy. Which do you plan to choose.”

DPT: Of course I would choose having a kid. My wife is in some serious need of help when doing all the chores at the house.

The Anti-Hippie asks, “Are you prepared to allow you blog-buddies to corrupt any/all of your future children, and if so, can I teach ‘em to beat up the other kids at recess?”

DPT: If the kid has time to do anything besides house work, sure. I’m thinking there won’t be much free time; there is a lot of stuff I don’t like doing.

SSSSteve asks, “Why are you wanting to have children??”

DPT: I like to consider having children an investment into my own future. I feel if I raise the child right I won’t have to do anymore chores and when the child becomes rich, he/she will feel obligated to give me the lifestyle I’ve always wanted.

Tyler D. Why am I back to paying $2.50 for a gallon of gas again?

DPT: That whole blood for oil thing hasn’t been working the way we wanted it to.

Contagion asks, “Why are Americans more and more willing to give up more and more of their money just to pay for ilegals and people that aren’t willing to work?”

DPT: I think it’s mainly because of the small increments that taxes increase. If it’s only pennies at a time most people don’t feel the real impact of a tax increase until they move up in the tax bracket. Or, in the end we actually lost the Cold War and communism is being instituted in the U.S.

Linda asks, “Do you have a bad temper?”

DPT: What!? How dare you ask me about this! You little maggot! No not really. Strange enough, I’m a pretty easy going guy. I don’t get mad very often but instead I’m amazed at the way other people are. Getting mad hasn’t really ever served a purpose for me.

GunnNutt asks, “What kid names have you picked out?”

DPT: My wife is really in charge of the naming thing. The only requirement that I have is, if we have a boy, I would like the middle name to be Grant. Wait a second, stop with this kid stuff. Me and the wife have other things to do first.

MegaBrad asks, “How come the Seattle Seahawks kick soooo much a$$, yet Seattle is such a gay wussy town?

DPT: I checked their roster. Only three of the players played college ball in Washington. I think might be the reason. Even the three that played college ball in Washington might not be from Washington.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Protestors Shake Hands With the Devil

I look through the pictures of anti-war protestors and see that they are undeniably against the war in Iraq, but what interests me is what they protest for. You see, if they are against the U.S. removing Saddam, then it makes reasonable sense that they wanted him to stay in power. That means that anti-war protestors are o.k. with torture and genocide. They say they want peace, but what the anti-war protestors seem to be against is the U.S. involved in conflict. By protesting, they are shaking hands with the devil, then have the audacity to say they don't support the troops who went to stop this type of violence.

This is a video of what the anti-war protestors are for. This is what they march and demonstrate to let happen in Iraq. It’s sickening what protestors would allow in the name of "peace".

These videos should not be viewed by children; they are graphic. Actually it should make any sane person sick to their stomach, but it’s important to see what the U.S. invasion has stopped. Torture is not naked pyramids; torture is what is shown here.

More videos of Saddam’s atrocities here.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Have I Completely Forgot?

No, I haven’t. It’s been a while since I’ve answered questions. I think it’s time to do that again. Feel free to ask me anything. If I think your question is too personal or I don’t have a good answer, I’ll make stuff up. Ask away in the comments section.

Oh, and while you're thinking of a question for me; I have a question for you. Which is funnier Greg Gutfeld's post or the rabid lefty comments?

Monday, January 23, 2006

Infectious Disease Alert

Dr. Phat Tony, even as a faux doctor, has uncovered a pending epidemic. All married men please take note and take proper precautions.

ALERT: North Alabama is under watch for an outbreak of contagio infantia rabies expected to make epidemic proportions. Contagio infantia rabies, more commonly known as baby fever, can spread rapidly among married women. Keep a look out for these symptoms.
• The phrase “making love” will be replaced with phrases like “making a baby” or “give me your sperm I’m ovulating”.
• An increased awareness of other women who are pregnant.
• Visiting the baby department at every store.
• Constant nagging about things the man will no longer be able to do “when we have a baby”.
• Pointing at babies both on TV. and in public noting that “our baby would look something like that, but much prettier”.
• Name books strewn around living area.

All though there is no know cure for baby fever there are a few therapies that can put the disease into a temporary dormant state.
• Take woman on vacation to Las Vegas or on a cruise and make sure to say “We wouldn’t be able to do these kinds of things if we had a baby”.
• Make sure to point out overweight woman who are mothers.
• Baby-sit children who are under the age of 4 for 24 hours.
• Point out children in public places who are being loud, obnoxious, spoiled, or any combination.

Precautions can be made to reduce the risk of baby fever. These are not fool proof ways of preventing the disease but can reduce the chances of infection.
• Quarantine woman from pregnant women or women who have just had child.
• Make sure that you avoid all child or pregnancy themed movies or TV shows.
• Never, under any circumstances, let your wife go to a baby shower.

If your wife does become infected with baby fever, the only thing you can do is make sure you are there for the inception of the baby.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Gets My Goat

You guys thought I wasn’t going to post today, didn’t ya? Well I am it just took me a little while to figure out what I wanted to put down on the blog.

I’m going to share with you one of the coolest animals I’ve heard about. I can’t begin to tell you how bad I want to have one of these as a pet. If you don’t know about the world famous Tennessee Fainting Goat, then well…I guess you don’t know about them. Any who, this goat’s muscles will seize up and they fall to the ground when it get’s scared or excited. It looks like it faints from fear. Hours of entertainment for everyone.

Now besides being extremely funny to watch, I see military applications. You see, we can drop these goats in terrorist controlled territory, the terrorists will chase the goats and catch them (as soon as you scare them they fall over so it’s pretty easy to catch one), and then blow them all up in mid coitus. Another full proof way to kill terrorists.

Enjoy the news clip about the goats.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Roy Blunt Cracks on Clinton

Roy Blunt, House Majority Whip, is mad about Senator Clinton’s remarks in her MLK day speech comparing the House to a plantation. Roy Blunt said, “I’ve never been used to beat a black person. I think Senator Clinton is just confused on the terminology used in politics. It would be like me saying that she ran the White House like a brothel while she was residing there; except my statement would hold some truth.”

The Majority Whip is not the only one that is mad about the “plantation” remarks. City Councilman Charles Barron also thinks it was a poor choice of words. Barron said, “Look, everyone knows I like to slap white people to help me with my mental illness, but never have I compared the government to a plantation. Well, maybe I did, but I always threatened physical violence after I said those kinds of things. Excuse me please, I have to go find a white person to slap before I lose my mind.”

Senator Hillary Clinton has come out and said, “Well my speech writers had two different ways for me to give that speech. I was either going to have to compare the house to a plantation or say ‘I love black people! I love the black man! Show me the money!’, but I thought this was a little over the top for a Martin Luther King Jr. day speech.”

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


I’m giving out some free advice for parents or anyone that might have children in the future. I really hope that you heed my advice; I would hate to see your child be rejected and ridiculed on national television.

Last night I was forced to watch American Idol. Normally I don’t pay much attention, but because the auditions were so horrible it got me to thinking. I’m sure that some of the worse auditions were jokes, but that still leaves a percentage of people that honestly believe that they can sing, even though they have less than zero talent. I don’t blame the singers for this. I blame the parents of these young people for lying to their children for so long.

I believe that a lot of these horrible singers have been lied to most of their lives by their family and now truly believe that they are great singers. Case and point, the kid that sounded like his nuts hadn’t dropped yet. He was taken to the audition by his mother and grandmother, both of which gushed over how great a singer he was. Buzzer Wrong answer. The kid can’t sing and probably will never have the ability to hold a note. They have been lying to this kid for so long he believes he can sing now. I hope that the insults he took on the show, and the insults waiting for him at his school, wake him up to the fact he has no aptitude for singing.

This seems to be a common theme in America now. The whole “If you believe in it enough and work at it enough; you can do anything” shtick. This is a load of crap and shouldn’t be told to impressionable kids. It’s the responsibility of a parent to identify talent in their child and then steer them in that direction. There are some things that practice can’t overcome. Some things actually take natural ability. Singing is one of them. If your kid can’t sing but loves music, hand them an instrument where at least they can practice enough to be proficient. They might not ever sit in the first chair of an orchestra, but anyone can learn to play a song on an instrument with enough practice. Please for the sake of my ears, don’t tell your kid they can sing when they sound like whales mating. It’s just unfair to the kid to set them up for failure, like the parents obviously did for the people auditioning last night on American Idol. I’ll show you what a softy I really am. I honestly am embarrassed for some of these people. I feel so bad that they’ve been lied to and were told they could sing. You know that some one encouraged them to go there and audition. That person should be arrested for child abuse.

For instance: Whoever told this little fruit topping he could sing should be locked away.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Over The Weekend

Well my extended weekend is over. I’ve been 28 for a few days now, but I’m sure I’ll forget how old I am in a few more weeks. The parties are over and it’s time to get back to work. The next holiday is months away and I’ve tried to enjoy the time that I’ve had off.

So let me tell you what happened over the weekend. On Saturday night my wife was nice enough to throw me a small party. Mukrz and his wife were there, along with another couple, and a gaggle of kids ranging in age from 3 to 6. I really did feel sorry for the kids. My house is just plain boring for young children. We are seriously short on toys and distracting young children is an art I have yet to master. In all it was a nice time. The food was wonderful, thanks to my wife. I did get to drink a little, all though far less than what I had planned. I’m sure my blood alcohol level was more than .08, but that’s a far cry from being drunk. Good news is that I did finally get to open the bottle of Single Barrel JD that I have had stashed away for 5 years. I guess I could have stayed up later than I did and tried to finish it, but I lost my resolve to get drunk at 3 a.m. What can I say, my wife had fallen asleep on the couch shortly after our guests had left and I was running out of movies to watch while drinking.

How does this compare to past Birthdays? Well, I have to say that it’s not better or worse than past birthdays (except for the food, my wife is an awesome cook and I never had food that was that good before getting married). My Birthdays were just different before I was married and leading a respectable life. When I was single in the Army, Birthdays went one of two ways. I went out with my Army buddies, raided some poor German town, and ended the night making a packed with everyone else involved promising never to speak of what had happened to anyone, or I spent my Birthday alone, trying to drink enough to enhance whatever mood I was in. If you are expecting me to tell you stories of the drunken debauchery that took place when going out with my Army buddies; then you are going to be waiting forever. Let me just say that I can never run for political office because of them.

I’m sure that my Birthdays will change even more once me and my wife start a family. I might have one more try at partying like a fool on my Birthday. Next year expect a large party; a party to end all parties. Then again, that sounds like a lot of work. Maybe I’ll just stay at home and spend a quiet evening with the wife.

Friday, January 13, 2006


How come we don’t have commercials like this one here in the U.S.? Surely, we are less sensitive than the Euro Weenies. It almost (not really) makes you want to buy a German clown car.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Beginning

28 years ago, to the day, on an island in the Gulf of Mexico, the world was changed forever. A soldier’s wife brought forth a man-child that would change the face of the blogosphere. At the time of the child’s birth no one had any idea what they had unleashed onto the world. They had unleashed Phat Tony.

Tony had a relatively normal childhood. Spending his days as a minority in high school gave him an understanding of rap music and soul food not normally found in a person as white as him. He was an average student and fairly popular. It was hard not to spot him; there were less than a hundred white kids at that school. His greatest award was being voted an honorary black man in his sophomore English class, where he resembled one flake of dandruff on a black shirt.

It wasn’t until he joined the Army in 1997 that he knew what he really was. It took going to Sand Hill, Airborne School, 75th Ranger Regiment, and International LRS School to realize that he was a killer. He traveled abroad and has tainted much of Europe with his debauchery genius. Europe has yet to recover from his stay.

He left the Army to marry and start a family back in his home state of Alabama. It was here that he learned of the blogosphere and the potential to make enough money to pay his cable bill. The rest of this saga lies within the archives on the side bar. All though he has yet to make enough money from his musings to pay the cable bill, he has developed a small following of loyal readers that wear his swag and advertise it on their own sites. He has been mentioned by a nationally syndicated talk show host because of a post he wrote and is now had roughly 40,000 people come to read his asinine assumptions and ridiculous anecdotes.

This story is far from over. Phat Tony doesn’t know how to quit, as it seems that he might not know what is best for him. Phat Tony will continue this journey regardless of where it takes him, or how long he has to write in third person. Phat Tony is now having problems trying to stop writing in third person and his emails are becoming nonsensical. Phat Tony is hoping that when he stops writing this post things will return to normal because he has to sit in a meeting today and would be embarrassed if he spent the meeting referring to himself by his own name.

Make it stop.

Oh yeah, it’s my birthday today. If you’re interested in getting me something, you can try your hand at writing the beginning of the saga which is me. Make it as stupid as you want and trackback here so that I can read what other people feel should be the story of Phat Tony.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


I woke up this morning with nothing to say. Really, I’m drawing a complete blank here. Maybe it’s because my birthday is tomorrow and I’m saving all my funny for when people come over to the house on Saturday. I hope for everyone’s sake that this is not the case. How boring would three days of nothing be? To be more specific, could you guys stand seeing a post for 3 days that look like this one? I think not. Quick give me ideas in the comments before my blog sinks to an all new level of obscurity.

Oh and start thinking about what you’ll be giving me tomorrow on my birthday.

Maybe this is a good start?

As long as I'm putting up funny songs, maybe this one.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Why Lie

Most of you have already read the expose of the book A Million Little Pieces where the author, James Frey, greatly exaggerates his claim to infamy. If only Mr. Frey would have done a little research he could have wrote a true non-fiction book about a man that really does know what it’s like to be an addict and jail bird.

The man pictured above is Henry Earl. Henry has probably more experience being arrested than any man alive. As of today, Henry has been charged with 935 offenses and spent 3601 days in jail. The average number of days spent in jail a year are 267.21 and the average duration of days spent out of jail is a mere 1.61 days.

Here is small excerpt from a MSNBC report on Henry Earl.

Known around the college town as James Brown, Earl will do a little jig for attention and money—anything to get some hooch. He shows up at house parties; he wanders the streets with fried chicken in his pockets; he shakes hands; he drinks. Generally regarded as harmless, he is tolerated by most and even loved by a few. ~MSNBC

To tell you the truth, I would rather read the memoirs of Henry than of some wacko making money off of lying about being a criminal. Really, how pathetic are you when you have to make up a bunch of stuff about yourself to have a decent story?

Monday, January 09, 2006

Shootin' Straight with B-Cack

The Conservative UAW Guy asks: Why are people that are FIRST! so cool?

B-Cack: Well, possibly because being first means that you are on point, and everyone knows that the point man is the coolest... or just the first one to get shot?

Dr. Phat Tony asks: B-Cack, having showed previous lack of control of your sphincter, how does pulling a negative G maneuver in your Apache affect the retention of your food waste?

B-Cack: Phat Tony, Negative G's don't actually bother the A hole, however, sitting on your ass in there for 8 hours does play havoc on the bladder. I will be sure to send you a new post in a while about how pissing into a water storage bag can be accomplished at a high hover.

The Conservative UAW Guy asks: Since we know Dr. Phat Tony isn't a real doctor, I think the question we should know is: are you a real Cack?

B-Cack: Yes, I am a HUGE CACK ask anyone who knows me

Steve the Pirate asks: What is the funniest (and preferably most embarrassing) thing you've ever seen the good Doctor do, or have done to said Doctor?

B-Cack: funniest thing PHAT T has done.... A: well... getting pissed on by Expletive Delph was pretty funny, but he didn't do it.... hmmm how about a month long steady diet of bean dip and Doritos?

Ssssteve asks: B-Cack, What is the worst pick up line you have ever heard Doc use?

B-Cack: He actually learned how to say "I have candy in my pocket" in German!

Uber asks: B-Cack- What is the best pick up line in existence?

B-Cack: I would have to say “Do you take it in the poopenheimer?"

a4g asks: I've heard a lot of soldiers say that they are fighting for the freedoms of all Americans, even the scum hippies that want to protest and burn flags and stuff. Is that true? Or do you secretly want to shoot them?

B-Cack: DO I fight for all Americans? Wish I could come up with a smart ass answer, but I think this one is better

It is the soldier, not the reporter,
who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the soldier, not the poet,
who has given us freedom of speech.

It is the soldier, not the campus organizer,
who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier, not the lawyer,
who has given us the right to a fair trial.

It is the soldier,
who salutes the flag,
who serves under the flag,
and whose coffin is draped by the flag,
who allows the protester to burn the flag.

SeanS asks: What is the most creative thing you could do to Michael Moore's remains after running him through with a bayonet?

B-Cack: So what would I do with Fat Ass Michael Moore Please click on this link.. I think Vlad would be proud... although we might have to get a telephone pole to support that tubby bitch

Friday, January 06, 2006

Best Blonde Joke

This might possibly be the best blonde joke ever. Go and check it out.

Monkey Business

"Awww... look at the poor little monkey.. he is stuck in that cage." Yeah I bet a lot of you thought or even said that out loud when you first saw this picture. Allow me to correct you all. First off, this is not a monkey, but a Bonobo. A Bonobo is similar to a chimpanzee except it has some VERY different behavioral patterns. These little wonders of nature actually have sex for every reason you can think of! They get scared and ... BAMMMM they are going to town. They are happy, BAMMM a good time. They are angry... and yes, you guessed it, some good ole fashioned grudge fu**ing!

Anyway the whole point of this picture is to cause people to think. If this "monkey" lives and dies for sex, then by putting him in a cage is his greatest dream. The other Bonobos can't get away from his sexual pursuits, there is always a fresh booty call in the cage, and lastly, dumb ass people will pay money to go to the zoo and watch this little bastard either go wild with another "monkey" or watch as it rubs its own root down! So, in essence, this little creature is living the life of a Bonobo porn star at the expense of the stupid people who pay $12-15 to go to the zoo! * Also to be noted, the Bonobo mixes two of my favorite things, sex and monkeys, so of course it is sitting high on my list of way cool sh1t! B-Cack

B-Cack is still accepting questions in this post’s comments.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

B-Cack Bares All

Everyone is getting a chance to ask B-Cack some questions. He’s been a vital (although infrequent) part of my blog since I got started. I’m sure you guys have some questions for him and I’m giving you guys the opportunity to ask him anything you want. I can’t promise that he’ll answer immediately (he’s still in the Army serving our country), but I promise that he will answer all the questions asked. Leave our questions in the comments.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Breaking News: Intercepted Call Leaked

Here at Phat Tony’s, we’re dedicated to bring you the latest news. Thanks to our crack whore reporting team, we have procured a leaked transcript of an intercepted call between a suspected Al Quida terrorist and an American citizen. You can only find this kind of reporting here at Dr. Phat Tony’s.

recording started

ring ring

American citizen: Assalamy’alaikum. Larry’s Mosque and 24 hour tanning, this is Larry, how can I help you? Allah be praised.

Suspected terrorist: Alaikum assalmy. Yes, Larry, (muffled giggling) ..um… My name is Bin La…um… Bin Babbaganoosh and I’m looking for my friend Mike Hunt, could you page him for me.

Larry: Sure, give me one moment please. muffled: Mike Hunt you have a call at the front desk. If anyone has seen Mike Hunt please send him to the front desk.

Bin: (muffled laughter muffled: stop laughing Al, this is never going to work if he hears you.)

Larry: I’m sorry Mr. Babbaganoosh, I can’t seem to find Mike Hunt at the moment. Would you like for me to take a message?

Bin: Actually you might be able to help me. Allah be praised. Mike was telling me you had a problem with your refrigerator. (muffled laughter muffled: shhh) Could you tell me if your refrigerator is running?

Larry: Uhh, I didn’t hear about any problem with the refrigerator. Hold on one second while I go check.

Bin (muffled: I can’t believe he’s going to check. muffled laughter)

Larry: I went and checked the refrigerator and, Allah be praised, it is indeed running.

Bin: Well you better go catch it before it get’s away. (hysterical laughter)

Larry: You son of a goat. I declare Jihad on you. If I ever see you, Allah have mercy, I will remove you head from your body.

Bin: (hysterical laughter)


end recording

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I Resolve to…

Yay, 2006. Another year under the belt and time to make some New Years resolutions. I’m normally not one to make a New Years resolution. I think if I wanted to point out my shortcomings that I could find a better way than failing to meet goals that sound good after a night of drinking. But, since this year I didn’t do a lot of drinking, I figure I can at least make one New years resolution.

This year I resolve to be nicer to people. I know that’s a pretty bland resolution, but after much introspection I’ve come to find out that I’m a real a$$hole. I rarely ask people the common questions one should ask when trying to start a conversation; like: “How are you doing?”, “How’s the job?”, “So, where are you from?” and “How was your (weekend, holiday, birthday, etc.)?”

Lot’s of people at least act like they are interested in me. I’m always getting asked questions like these and I end up giving a short history lesson on myself to people that I have no real interest in speaking to in the first place, or I give them such a short answer that it ends the conversation right then. I rarely ask them a question that they could use to segway into their own history or personal stories and usually when I finish answering, whatever question they ask me, I just vacate the area and pretend we weren’t speaking to begin with. I should ask a return question that would at least give the appearance that I was interested in them. I wonder if people would be able to sense my insincerity, and think me a bigger a$$hole than if I just stayed the course with the current SOP? Maybe I should just come to grips with the fact that I just hate most people and find them uninteresting.

I’ve changed my mind. “Be nicer to people” is no longer my New Years resolution. This year I now resolve to find a way to let people know that I hate them on a superficial level with out making them cry. Any suggestion on how to do that?