Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Beginning

28 years ago, to the day, on an island in the Gulf of Mexico, the world was changed forever. A soldier’s wife brought forth a man-child that would change the face of the blogosphere. At the time of the child’s birth no one had any idea what they had unleashed onto the world. They had unleashed Phat Tony.

Tony had a relatively normal childhood. Spending his days as a minority in high school gave him an understanding of rap music and soul food not normally found in a person as white as him. He was an average student and fairly popular. It was hard not to spot him; there were less than a hundred white kids at that school. His greatest award was being voted an honorary black man in his sophomore English class, where he resembled one flake of dandruff on a black shirt.

It wasn’t until he joined the Army in 1997 that he knew what he really was. It took going to Sand Hill, Airborne School, 75th Ranger Regiment, and International LRS School to realize that he was a killer. He traveled abroad and has tainted much of Europe with his debauchery genius. Europe has yet to recover from his stay.

He left the Army to marry and start a family back in his home state of Alabama. It was here that he learned of the blogosphere and the potential to make enough money to pay his cable bill. The rest of this saga lies within the archives on the side bar. All though he has yet to make enough money from his musings to pay the cable bill, he has developed a small following of loyal readers that wear his swag and advertise it on their own sites. He has been mentioned by a nationally syndicated talk show host because of a post he wrote and is now had roughly 40,000 people come to read his asinine assumptions and ridiculous anecdotes.

This story is far from over. Phat Tony doesn’t know how to quit, as it seems that he might not know what is best for him. Phat Tony will continue this journey regardless of where it takes him, or how long he has to write in third person. Phat Tony is now having problems trying to stop writing in third person and his emails are becoming nonsensical. Phat Tony is hoping that when he stops writing this post things will return to normal because he has to sit in a meeting today and would be embarrassed if he spent the meeting referring to himself by his own name.

Make it stop.

Oh yeah, it’s my birthday today. If you’re interested in getting me something, you can try your hand at writing the beginning of the saga which is me. Make it as stupid as you want and trackback here so that I can read what other people feel should be the story of Phat Tony.

28 Comments:

At 6:05 AM, Blogger Contagion said...

Sorry, I'm not that creative, but have a Happy Birthday. however, for some reason I had you pegged at about 38, not 28...

***runs from gun fire***

 
At 6:08 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

It's probably my old people humor.

 
At 7:06 AM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

It was a dark and stormy night....

Happy B-day, Doc!

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger Telebush said...

Happy Birthday Doc! Enjoy the BBQ party this weekend!

 
At 8:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

In a galaxy far far away, Dr. Phat Tony began a simple life in a small village, but as the universe expanded so did his mind and he has blossomed into a world reknown philosopher and tale spinner.

Watch for Chapter 2 next year!!!

 
At 8:47 AM, Blogger Cove Rebel said...

"...left the Army to marry and start a family..." only to realize that there are laws, even in Alabama, against a Phat Tony breeding. HA!

Happy Burfday phatman!

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger Peakah said...

Happy Birthday honkey

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger FIAR said...

Happy Birthday Tony!

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger Ssssteve said...

What is this crap about Old People humor?!! 38 is not old!!!! Oh yeah, HAPPPPPPY BIRTHTHTHTHTHDAY with Flair!!! Dawg!

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger PoP said...

Slowly he turned. Step by step. Inch by inch. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON. Don't forget saturday tree cutting.
The perfect present.

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

The room was filled with lust . . . and island rhythms. Pop and Mom were a little woozy after a night of Redneck Champagne (Pabst Blue Ribbon) and really good reefer. Pop said lovingly, "Hey, bud, let's party," and inserted . . .

Well, you get the idea.

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Apparently you share your birthday with another nationally syndicated talk show host, namely Rush Limbaugh.

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger SeanS said...

Happy Birthday! Where did I put that present?... Oh yeah, sold it for a six pack...

Maybe next year.

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger Cove Rebel said...

"Apparently you share your birthday with another nationally syndicated talk show host, namely Rush Limbaugh."

Insolublog, are you saying there might have been a three-some? Way to go Pop! hahahahaha!

 
At 3:45 PM, Blogger Cove Rebel said...

(Yes I know they vastly different in age. Although DPT does sort of look like he could be his little bro.) HA!

 
At 7:13 PM, Anonymous linda said...

It was a dark and stormy night, and then the lightning struck....DPT was in the room!

Does that mean you're Jamaican, man?

Hope you've had a great birthday and your gift is in the mail!

 
At 8:59 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

It actually makes me a Conch Republican.

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger a4g said...

Crap, late to the party as always. Happy belated B-Day, Doctor.

Hopefully I'm through the s**tstorm here at work and I can get back to the important work of visiting DPT 5 times a day.

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

Happy B-Day Phat Tony. What does Pop mean by Saturday Tree Cutting? Were you conned into cutting trees down in Pop’s yard?

I thought what Contagion thought. I always pictured you as 40+ for some reason.

 
At 1:14 PM, Blogger PoP said...

The tree cutting is only part of his present. The deep sea fishing trip he is taking me on is the the other part.

 
At 5:54 PM, Blogger Uber said...

Since so many seem to want to insult you, on your birthday of all days, by telling you just how danged old they thought you were...I shall pass on a compliment.

I thought you were way older than that for awhile...like retired Army old (this isn't the part where you're complimented), I guess it's the dry/sarcastic don't give a $h*t type humor.

Anyhow, shortly after I started blogging I hosted a teen slumber party and since I'd left your blog up on the pc they were messing around and checking out your profile etc and came across your photo *insert ear drum shattering girly giggles and screams here*. At that time I wasn't sure if blogger or site meter tracked individual profile hits or not so I was all "OMG stop it! That man's married! He's gonna think that's ME hitting his profile up repeatedly!!!" which led to my threatening to tell mommies on them (which never works)and ended in a wrestling match for the mouse. haha

Oh yeah, the compliment...stoopid teen girls like ya well enough so I reckon you can't be all that old looking. Happy belated. *g*

 
At 9:50 PM, Blogger Contagion said...

BTW, I forgot to thank you for the t-shirt. It went over well with the Kilt at FritzFest.

I pumped more action towards your swag with it.

 
At 7:06 AM, Blogger Pandy said...

Sorry for being late!

I figured you were about my age, unlike everyone who thought you were an old man- but I am extremely dismayed that you are actually younger than I am. Happy (belated) birthday anyway. :)

 
At 6:21 PM, Blogger Anna said...

Sorry I didn't get here sooner!

Happy Birthday, Phat Tony!!

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger JermCool said...

Happy (late) Birthday, DPT!

"Pop, after a long day of fishing for mud sharks, came home to mom who was dressed in an apron..."

I can't tell this story! Think of the children!!!

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger Mrs. Bluebird said...

Man, the fact that you just turned 28 makes me feel so darn old!!! Sigh. I can't even remember 28. Then again, I can't even remember what I had for breakfast!!

Happy birthday dude!!

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger Toni said...

My grave apologies for missing DPT's 28th' Birthday. Could you please relay my regrets and congratulations to him. Tanks

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger GunnNutt said...

Happy belated Birthday, DPT!

 

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