Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I Resolve to…

Yay, 2006. Another year under the belt and time to make some New Years resolutions. I’m normally not one to make a New Years resolution. I think if I wanted to point out my shortcomings that I could find a better way than failing to meet goals that sound good after a night of drinking. But, since this year I didn’t do a lot of drinking, I figure I can at least make one New years resolution.

This year I resolve to be nicer to people. I know that’s a pretty bland resolution, but after much introspection I’ve come to find out that I’m a real a$$hole. I rarely ask people the common questions one should ask when trying to start a conversation; like: “How are you doing?”, “How’s the job?”, “So, where are you from?” and “How was your (weekend, holiday, birthday, etc.)?”

Lot’s of people at least act like they are interested in me. I’m always getting asked questions like these and I end up giving a short history lesson on myself to people that I have no real interest in speaking to in the first place, or I give them such a short answer that it ends the conversation right then. I rarely ask them a question that they could use to segway into their own history or personal stories and usually when I finish answering, whatever question they ask me, I just vacate the area and pretend we weren’t speaking to begin with. I should ask a return question that would at least give the appearance that I was interested in them. I wonder if people would be able to sense my insincerity, and think me a bigger a$$hole than if I just stayed the course with the current SOP? Maybe I should just come to grips with the fact that I just hate most people and find them uninteresting.

I’ve changed my mind. “Be nicer to people” is no longer my New Years resolution. This year I now resolve to find a way to let people know that I hate them on a superficial level with out making them cry. Any suggestion on how to do that?

18 Comments:

At 5:40 AM, Blogger Contagion said...

Hmmm. Simple... do what you where planning to do, asking the nicety small talk questions, but then do something else so they can see you don't care.

Trust me, I've been doing that for years.

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger a4g said...

What exactly is the downside of them crying?

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Subtle sarcasm is always a good technique.

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

I always found the classic bitch-slap effective, but now I'm leaning towards Insol's subtle sarcasm.
Now I just need to go buy some subtlety at the store, and I'll be all set...

 
At 8:47 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Here is a brief tutorial to get you started. The Jack Daniels example is not subtle, but quite amusing.

 
At 9:02 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

I've been wanting to be sarcastic for a while and try out my answer to the "So, what do you do for a living?" question, but I think it needs some refinement. Tell me what you think Insol.
"So, what do you do for a living?"
DPT: I'm in the middle of conducting a social science experiment where I document how many people ask questions that under normal circumstance would be none of their business.

 
At 9:24 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

That was pretty damn good.

There is black art to tuning your reply. The sweet spot is right before the tear threshold, where they have that look of confusion on their face that says:

"Was I just insulted?"

Obviously, your mileage varies with the target. Try frequent practice on someone you hate, like that obnoxious, whining co-worker.

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger PoP said...

I personally am not much on being subtle. I prefer the why in the hell are you asking me? go suck up to some one who counts answer. So, son, you have 24 hours to get rid of the cat or you'll be wake up with its head in your bed. Suble enough?

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Contract of this nature come with a hefty price. Rent a killer is not cheap.

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger Ssssteve said...

So Doc, how is the job?

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Uber said...

I take the walk faster and faster until I'm finally running away when I see them coming route.

That or pretend I'm not home, closing the blinds while eye contact is established is a good hint.

 
At 12:35 PM, Anonymous linda said...

BTW, congrats on being in the top blogs in the race of the milbloggers!

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Thanks on the congrats, but I was no where near the top. I'm waiting for my loser banner.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger Cove Rebel said...

At the rate Uncle Sammy is slapping down (censoring) milblogs for "security concerns" you may end up without competition soon.

 
At 7:58 PM, Blogger GunnNutt said...

I had no idea you were so mean and hateful, Doc. I now have a newfound respect and appreciation for you! *sniff* what a great guy!

Please post the results from your Phat un-Socialization Techniques so I can try them, too.

 
At 9:43 PM, Anonymous Kath said...

I find your honesty quite refreshing Dr.

:-) And, congrats of course for the milbloggies. Ya did good.

 
At 10:09 PM, Anonymous FIAR said...

My general method would be to make them cry. I suggest going with the new line of questioning where you (Doc) ask something like, "so where do you live?" Then respond to their answer with, "I've ALWAYS wanted to live there. Oh, Lord almighty, would that I only could. I strive mightily to one day live in your GLORIOUS community. *Sigh* Keep it together, you'll live there one day. Keep the dream alive... *Sniff*"

That oughtta pour on the sarcasm thick enough.

 
At 1:35 AM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

You know sarcasm is a low form of wit.

I said it, so it must be true.

And what is with all the *Sniff* crap? Just make 'em cry already.

 

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