Monday, January 23, 2006

Infectious Disease Alert

Dr. Phat Tony, even as a faux doctor, has uncovered a pending epidemic. All married men please take note and take proper precautions.

ALERT: North Alabama is under watch for an outbreak of contagio infantia rabies expected to make epidemic proportions. Contagio infantia rabies, more commonly known as baby fever, can spread rapidly among married women. Keep a look out for these symptoms.
• The phrase “making love” will be replaced with phrases like “making a baby” or “give me your sperm I’m ovulating”.
• An increased awareness of other women who are pregnant.
• Visiting the baby department at every store.
• Constant nagging about things the man will no longer be able to do “when we have a baby”.
• Pointing at babies both on TV. and in public noting that “our baby would look something like that, but much prettier”.
• Name books strewn around living area.

All though there is no know cure for baby fever there are a few therapies that can put the disease into a temporary dormant state.
• Take woman on vacation to Las Vegas or on a cruise and make sure to say “We wouldn’t be able to do these kinds of things if we had a baby”.
• Make sure to point out overweight woman who are mothers.
• Baby-sit children who are under the age of 4 for 24 hours.
• Point out children in public places who are being loud, obnoxious, spoiled, or any combination.

Precautions can be made to reduce the risk of baby fever. These are not fool proof ways of preventing the disease but can reduce the chances of infection.
• Quarantine woman from pregnant women or women who have just had child.
• Make sure that you avoid all child or pregnancy themed movies or TV shows.
• Never, under any circumstances, let your wife go to a baby shower.

If your wife does become infected with baby fever, the only thing you can do is make sure you are there for the inception of the baby.

26 Comments:

At 9:52 AM, Blogger Telebush said...

Uh oh... looks like trouble is brewing at the home front... good luck diverting this crisis!

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger a4g said...

In my experience, this is a chronic condition with no known cure, Doctor. Reports of "miracle cures" are just quackery.

I've found that exposure to newborn babies is particularly dangerous and can cause severe flareups.

Best thing for a husband living with an afflicted spouse is to take up drinking hard liquor.

If already drinking hard liquor, increase dosage.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger Daniel Levesque said...

Too late. My wife was infected years ago.

www.ravingconservative.com

 
At 11:16 AM, Anonymous linda said...

Is this an announcement? Nothing sweeter than a newborn baby!

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

Is Linda right?

I have no background in "baby fever", all I know is how to prevent it.

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger PoP said...

Please son tell me it isn't so. I will be glad to loan you your sisters kids for a few years.to help my favorite daughter inlaw get over her ailment. No realy I mean it. so stop laughing.

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

No not an announcement just an observation.

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

"Give me your sperm, I'm ovulating."

That's the funniest thing I have read in a long time!!!

 
At 2:11 PM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

Oh, and make sure Sssteve isn't near the missus. You know how he likes to be FIRST!

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

It was either that or woman points at your testicles and says "That's my baby in there!"

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger Ssssteve said...

Hey Wyatt, I resemble that remark!! Besides I have enough of my own, and know what all is involved! I would never do that to a brother blogger!!

 
At 4:16 PM, Blogger Anna said...

Actually, there is a cure, it's called teenagers! Good Lord, the next time I would possibly, maybe, get baby fever it'll be at least 10 years from now and it'll be for grandkids...the ones I can fill up with sugar and send home with their parents!

 
At 5:08 PM, Blogger Contagion said...

I've always pointed the cause of baby fever to pregnamones. It's hard to cure.

 
At 6:32 PM, Anonymous rt said...

Hey Wyatt, if Steve is always first, then that must actually suck for his "other."

I agree with Anna about the teenagers. I have close contact with about 125 everyday, plus I am around about 1700 of them in total. While my students (this year) have not proven to be the greatest form of birth control known to man as of January, the past years have made me not want children. In fact, when I see the adorable little ones, my first thought is, "too bad he/she will be a teenager some day."

 
At 6:43 PM, Anonymous FIAR said...

Doc, you have 2 choices, and only 2.

Get a divorce, or become Dr. Phat Daddy.

 
At 6:00 AM, Blogger Toni said...

I thoroughly enjoyed this male excercise in futility. Having said that I(as a female) never had the Baby Fever and that might have been due to 1 younger sister and Five (yes FIVE) younger brothers. Men....you are doomed to the subjugation of this affliction by the female species. :)

 
At 6:11 AM, Blogger Citizen Grim said...

"give me your sperm I’m ovulating"


ha! sick! if I never hear that again, it will be too soon...

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Heh.
Baby Docs and Docettes.

 
At 8:34 PM, Anonymous mukrz said...

Haaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaa haaaaa hahahahaha
hahahaha aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

 
At 10:13 PM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

Fitch, that was freaking hilarious. Dr. Phat Daddy. HAHAHAH!

 
At 8:14 AM, Blogger Pandy said...

Click here for the cure.

Mwahaha. I've had baby fever for a long time.

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Don't let your wife click that link. It's all lies. Stella is a carrier.

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger Uber said...

I've a friend who makes me watch the video of the birth of her son whenever I say "Aw look, a cute little baby!"

Not only does that do away with the baby urge, it also makes me lose my appetite and not want to make love even without makin' babies. Makes me not want to look at her ever again too. haha It's that horrible...

 
At 3:00 PM, Anonymous linda said...

What a cute baby! Oh wait, never mind! Don't look directly in the eyes!

 
At 7:41 AM, Anonymous Steve the Pirate said...

I feel sorry for your children: B-Cack will have them drinking, swearing, and watching monkey porn by the age of three.

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger NOTR said...

It also infects grandmom's in the worst way.

 

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