Thanks to everyone that participated. It warms my cockles, or heart, or whatever, to know that people want to know what I think. Without further introduction here are some answers.
Jimmyb asks: “Do I get a prize if I ask the FIRST!!! question?”
DPT: Although firstness is an attribute that shows true loyalty to a blogger, I would definitely be out of money if I gave everyone who was first a prize. I am thinking about having another contest soon though.
Linda asks: “Why doesn't a certain make-believe cowboy get it?”
DPT: I can only assume that you are speaking of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain, and although I haven’t seen the movie, I heard he does ‘get it’.
Jimmyb asks: “What should I do about a certain blogger (cough-Wyatt-cough!) who has blatantly violated my seniority rights as a union member, by beating me out in the best personal blog category?”
DPT: Have you tried appeasement yet? Yes, yes you have. Try giving money next.
Tyler D asks: “Did DPT ever get any wheels?”
DPT: My vehicle woes are still in full force. It’s getting old real quick. Hey Jimmy, send me a car and I’ll say nice things about your blog and hit refresh on my browser 100 times a day.
Nightcrawler asks: “Without having access to a newspaper in which to publish cartoons of the prophet Mohammed, how can I get a fatwa issued against me? Everyone seems to be getting them and I'm feeling left out.”
DPT: Here is what I think you should do. Dress like one of those weirdoes in with the green bandanas, and then go out in public, with Koran in hand, and eat barbeque sandwiches and pork ribs. Just make sure that every time you take a bite of delicious pork say “Mohammed be damned, this is some good tastin’ stuff!” and then ask a woman for her opinion.
Fiar asks: “Should we all give up blogging now that Fmragtops is back? How will we ever compete with that?”
DPT: Have you seen the results of the competitions I’ve been in? I’m probably the last one to ask about how to compete, unless you want to lose.
Uber asks: “Just how did Lazy Daisy beat your blog down?”
DPT: Well I checked my Frappr map, and I have come to the conclusion that I don’t appeal to a large demographic. Women and people that live in west (minus the northwest coast) don’t like me. If I can fix this problem I will be a winner, or at least a larger loser.
Pop asks: “How did Linda get a picture of her sitting in my lap? I don't remember that Christmas party.”
DPT: Who doesn’t have a picture of themselves sitting on your lap? You’re such a lap whore. You think that just because you resemble Santa Claus you should let strangers sit on your lap. Don’t you know that’s how creepiness spreads.
Fmragtops asks: “Doesn't my return lower the curve and make Fitch's (along with everyone else's) blog appear better?”
DPT: Actually you do get some interesting trolls, and plus with you blogging again, we can wait and watch for you to quit again. You can be the Michael Jordan of blogs.
Linda says: “I'd like to retract my question--I no longer care!”
DPT: Sorry Linda, there is no indian giving here. You’re stuck with your question.
Lil’ B-Cack asks: “Hypothetically speaking (of course) how many midgets could fit in a 4 door Ford Escort (with a regular sized girl driving0? And would these midgets make you have crappy gas mileage?”
DPT: Screw the mileage! You would have a car load of midgets. That’s freakin’ awesome. I wonder if midgets have to ride in car seats?
Ssssteve asks: “(poop question) How come corn doesn't break down like the rest of my food that I eat?”
DPT: Variety of poo is the spice of life. For more poo fun, try eating beet salad for a few days. Maroon poo is just plain funny.
Wyatt Earp asks: “Why is the U.S. Olympic team full of crybabies, "Me, me, me" types, drunks, and sucky hockey players?”
DPT: I’m beginning to think that winter sports might be gay, or at least liberal. Is there such a thing as unsucky hockey?
The Anti-Hippie asks: “Does lil' b-cack have a boyfriend? ;)
Uhh... I mean...
What is the Doctor Phat Tony(tm) method for getting a girlfriend? “
DPT: I really don’t know if Lil’ B-Cack has a boyfriend. She’s my friend’s kid sister so those thoughts don’t enter my mind. I know what she does have though. She has a goat, AR-15, and my 30 round magazine. She sent me a picture of my magazine and sure enough it has Phat Tony written on it. Now to woo a women I would suggest a few things. 1, have money. Chics dig money. 2, smell good. Chics like to smell things. 3, have more money. Women are pretty expensive.
Insolublog asks: "When is the President going to realize that bidding out our port management to the UAE is like bidding out border security to Mexico?"
DPT: Well that's not too far from the truth about Mexico being our border guard. I'm pretty sure they have more troops on the border than we do. I'm thinking some one might have to visit the Pres with the clue bat in hand.