I’m not sure why but the Catholics have deemed me worthy of having my own day. I’m not sure of the rules of having your own day so I’m going to have to make some up. Phat Tuesday should be the one day in the year where people would live the way I would have wanted (not the way I do ‘cause going to work, coming home, eating dinner, reading or playing video games then going to sleep to do it all over again doesn’t sound like a winner of a day). So here are some things that should be done on Phat Tuesday.
• Everyone should answer their phone with the Phat Tuesday greeting. ring “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts, how can I help you.”
• The official Phat Tuesday breakfast will consist of a bloody Mary and a cigarette. For those that don’t smoke, just hold on to an unlit one while drinking your bloody Mary, it will make you look sophisticated.
• A parade should be held in each city. The parade will consist of jogglers, chimps dressed up like people, low riding 60’s cars with hydraulics, and those weirdoes that ride the bikes with the one really big wheel and the one really small wheel.
• On Phat Tuesday the work day only lasts till 11:30 so that everyone has time to make it to the parade. The parade route will end at the largest bar in the city where it’s nickel draft beer.
• At 7 pm on Phat Tuesday everyone should throw a party or go to a party. The party must have a midget present to be considered a Phat Tuesday party. There should also be one fire eater there or at least a crazy guy with a lighter.
• A countdown will be held at 10 seconds before 10pm. You can’t party all night; you got to work in the morning you lush.
Sounds like a good time. Anyway if you have some suggestions for Phat Tuesday celebration, let me know in the comments.