Friday, February 10, 2006

Valentine’s Day Help


Uber has been giving advice as to what to buy women for Valentine’s Day. This seems to be backwards to me. I’ve yet to meet a woman that actually knows what she wants, so for a woman to tell a guy what to buy for another woman seems ridiculous.

Do not worry guys; I’m here to help. Follow these easy rules for Valentine’s Day gift shopping and you will have the same results that I get on a daily basis (Results may vary, please don’t sue me).

• Buy your wife a new vacuum cleaner. Giving you wife appropriate tools so that she can clean the house is a wonderful gift idea. Women love to feel useful and giving them a good vacuum cleaner will remind them that there is always a floor somewhere that needs to be cleaned. Do not buy them the roomba though. Reason one, is because a roomba will take away some of the work that they have to do, and with that, take away some of their usefulness. Reason two is because the roomba is controlled by a computer. If something is controlled by a computer, then soon you will be living in fear of it. Need I mention the Matrix or Terminator?

• Tell your significant other “I love you.” while she’s doing the laundry. Nothing like letting your loved one know how much you like clean underwear. If your feeling up to it, you can even offer to let her know when the rinse cycle is over.

• Do not buy flowers. Flowers die after a short while and there is nothing more depressing than giving a gift that signifies your love, then watching it whither away after a few days. If you want to buy her something colorful; buy her a cookbook with lots of pictures.

• Do not take her out to eat. Besides the endless wait that you would have to endure to taste some overcooked, overpriced food, you will also take away from her the opportunity to take care of you. She lives to take care of you.

• Take your shoes from the living room to your closet. Make sure that when you take your shoes to the closet to let her know you are doing this. You wouldn’t want your gift to go unnoticed.

• Diuretics and appetite suppressants are also a wonderful gift idea. Even if your better half isn’t over weight, the presence of weight loss pills in the house will make her want to stay in shape. Nothing says I love you, like letting her know that you are watching her figure.

• Buy her a case of beer. Remember that first time you got lucky? Do your best to revisit those times. What a romantic time that was.

• Let her decide what video game you play on Valentine’s Day. Couples that play together; stay together.

So there are some wonderful tips for you guys for Valentine’s Day. I’m sure your woman will agree that you haven’t done anything right, but that’s because they don’t really know what they want. Why try is what I’m saying. Also it’s recommended that you should wear a cup before following any of my advice. Good luck.

33 Comments:

At 6:10 AM, Anonymous linda said...

I am speechless! (And concerned for your welfare!)

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

They were great gift ideas huh?

 
At 7:16 AM, Anonymous onemnl said...

I'd say they were great--if you don't value your life! I'd suggest you get some kevlar armor before the 14th!!

 
At 8:10 AM, Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

It's only a matter of time until Mrs. Dr. Paht Tony is issuing a fatwa against you!

 
At 8:17 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

I think you guys are being too hard on these wonderful gifts. I promise each one of them will bring you the exact response you expect. That's more than I can say for other gifts.

 
At 9:30 AM, Blogger Contagion said...

DPT: I've actually been stupid enough to give some of these gifts/idea in your list. The pain was horrible.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

The trick is, to do it lovingly.

 
At 10:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I may be wrong, but I don’t think that is “King of Valentines” behavior, although I will say that the gift of moving your shoes and even sox’s WORKS!!
Nate

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger Uber said...

LOL...ok, so I laughed...but I also said "what an ass" while doing so.

It takes a special kind of women to endure such humor and since you're still alive I assume the ninja wife is such a special kind of women.

I'll bet you're a real closet romantic...reciting poetry with flowers in hand. haha

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

It's all fist in mouth or however that saying goes.

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Ssssteve said...

Hey everybody, Doc was right!! I did follow his advice!! The reaction that I got was Amazing, and stimulating!! You arke myi heroea....

I'm sorry everyone but the Morphine has kicked in on my husband, and he can't blog right know cause the REAL doctor is removing the Vacumm Cleaner from his Butt right know! He may beable to talk later, who knows.

love, his wife

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

So which gift did you give?

 
At 12:29 PM, Anonymous linda said...

So how's that roomba working for you? lol

 
At 12:31 PM, Anonymous lil' B-Cack said...

I think you stole those ideas from Lorena Bobbit's husband!!!

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

O.k. I can't lie. That roomba is pretty sweet looking. I just can't risk it taking over my home.

 
At 1:45 PM, Blogger PoP said...

I always give fishing equipment. thought about a shotgun once, but decided it was to dangerous.

 
At 1:57 PM, Blogger Toni said...

Those are great ideas and guys I strongly recommend you follow DPT's advice. The only caveat I would add is you might want to plan on using the couch for awhile...quite awhile at that.

DPT - one of these days or months I will have to meet the lovely Mrs DPT just to get the truth on you since I believe you lie alot.

I was laughing pretty good while reading tho.

 
At 3:39 PM, Blogger a4g said...

For Valentine's day, I always let Mrs. a4g watch me watching TV, drinking beer, and falling asleep on the couch.

But then, we've been married quite a while, so I have the advantage of knowing exactly what she likes.

 
At 4:15 PM, Blogger SeanS said...

Is it okay to give her a little swat on the butt while saying 'I love you' while she is doing my laundry? I thought it might add a little bit of personality to it.

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Now I have seen everything; or in this case, nothing! Dr. Phat Tony, yes... DR PHAT TONY, put together a Valentine shopping list, (excuse me while I check it again, to make sure my eyeballs aren't covered with some sort of obscuring chocolate glaze) Nope, clear as an azure sky in summer. Let me re-check those previous comments... yep; lots of talk regarding colorful gifts, but not once, did he suggest that you buy your lovely spouse, or significant other some wonderful, colorful Dr. Phat Tony swag! Shocking!

 
At 8:45 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

I know, I was going to put it in there but why cheapen such a wonderful holiday. I really did contemplate including it on my list, but just couldn't bring myself to it.

 
At 11:16 PM, Blogger Nightcrawler said...

Reminds me of Walter E. Williams's gifts for his wife on Christmas. She has a heart condition so he bought her a smaller snow shovel. The smaller shovel means it weighs less when full. This puts less strain on her when she's shovelling the driveway in the winter.

Who says we conservatives aren't romantic? Tires always make a great statement if you can't find anything else to buy.

 
At 7:28 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Nightcrawler, As I recall, he also bought her some golf cleats, so she wouldn't 'slip on the ice' using her new snowshovel.

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger Crazy Politico said...

Oh Phat One, you are my hero, I've been wanting to get my wife many of these gifts for years, but was afraid it wasn't normal. Now that I've seen them recommended by a doctor, I can feel safe in getting her a new vacuum.

I was going to get her a watch, but our stove has a clock, so why bother.

 
At 6:21 PM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

I couldn't say this list was to far off. My father bought my mother some sheetrock, drywall screws, paint, puddy, and a vanity.

Somebody has to redo the bathroom sometime eh?

 
At 10:30 PM, Anonymous megabrad said...

Thanks Dr Phat T,

Those were some great and helpful ideas! I think I'll go with the "beer" option........

 
At 7:13 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Now the question is whether I should help the women with their gifts for the men.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger Crazy Politico said...

Dr. the only gift they need to give is the gift of naked fun.

So long as that doesn't come with "gifts that keep on giving"

 
At 4:57 AM, Anonymous Scouser said...

Don't believe all of this is bad. I once told a friend that I was buying the wife a Microwave for Christmas and he talked me out of it. She was so annoyed that she made me promise to buy it for her Valentines present. Who am I to argue, I baught her a Microwave for Valentines and she was happy.

 
At 5:11 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Scouser, I know exactly what you mean. My wife has asked for new pots and pans for Christmas.

 
At 3:34 PM, Anonymous FIAR said...

Pop, what did you do to Doc when he was growing up that gave him such life threatening (his own) ideas about women?

 
At 8:34 PM, Anonymous FIAR said...

What happened to my trackback?

 
At 10:09 PM, Anonymous linda said...

Have a Happy Valentine's Day. DPT. I hope your wife doesn't get anything sharp that could be used as a weapon! J/K

 

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