Friday, March 31, 2006

Just Wondering

Does anyone else think that the anti-war crowd seems to mimic the people from Mars Attacks who constantly made excuses for Martians killing people?

Is there anything more fun than trying to cut down a sapling by shooting at it from 100 yards with a .22 mag?

How hard can it be to find illegal immigrants, when they gather in the streets by the thousands to protest anti-illegal immigration law?

Does anyone else think that James Carvil could be ET’s older brother?

Is there anything sweeter than having a former employer have to come to you and submit a bid to be your contractor?

How fast can a car go in reverse?

I’m going on a deep see fishing trip soon. Can I take Dramamine and still drink beer?

I understand that the top part of the ear is to help channel sound to the ear drum, but what is the ear lobe for?

Who is going to be responsible for my 50,000th hit?

How many of you are planning to come to the barbeque in September?

Does anyone think that Jill will be saved?

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Carnival of Comedy 48: The Border Patrol Edition

Welcome all to the 48th Carnival of Comedy. This is DPT, and I'm going to be your vigilante undocumented border patrol agent for this comedic roundup. I'll protect the integrity of the Carnival of Comedy like our elected officials protect the border their pork projects. It's all out about immigration these days so I've got three levels of comedy for you today. Some have earned their permanent resident visas, others have just a two-week travel visa, and the rest have to go back to their country of origin and do things the right way. Either way I'm armed with some binos, a video camera, and a cooler of beer just waiting for them to cross the comedic border.

Oh you industrious immigrants that took the time and hassle of going through the lengthy process of getting your resident visa. God bless you for your diligent work and your want to conform to American ideology, not to mention bringing the funny.

Point Five has shows a break through film for the immigration crowd.

Peace Moonbeam gives us another wonderful tale of the trials and tribulations of being a hippy protester (bonus for being beaten with a "Gay Communist Pacifists Against Fur" sign).

The Dimmer Switch shows that anytime you can put "Vile doll! Polymerized carbon trollop!" in a post you win top prize.

Steve has uncovered a boatload of Russian secrets.

Conservathink has a sure fire way to win American Idol; just follow Dick Cheney's lead.

Vox Poplar has a guest blogger. None other than our favorite Yale Student.

Gavriel has gone Hollywood and is pitching the nex big blockbuster.

You can see the sites and take your pictures with Mickey, but to stay in the US you've got to bring your "A" game.

The Limerick Savant submits....of course a limerick for our favorite chef.

Avant News brings us an interesting study on the futility of studying disappearing braincells.

Dean Swift has a post about the Pope laying down the law and Cheney picking up his weapon.

Josh Cohen has discovered the meaning of "abseil.

Jack Cluth wrote a great satire piece, but then I found out he really believes that the government is watching old ladies. I always thought it was a good idea to keep an eye on those old people.

Bucky F Williams has come across a few more findings from the Berkley study.

Anyone can give you talking heads debating politics, but only The Moxargon Group can give you Alien talking heads debating politics.

Conservative Cat is looking forward to more Sharon Stone wacko antics.

Justin is giving us all an Engrish lesson.

FIAR has sucken to a new low by advertising Move on products.

Bob from Either Orr seems to have uncovered the transcripts to a moonbat meeting.

The Baloney Press interestingresting piece on injections, doctors, and nose picking.

K T Cat has found a solution to the diminishing protestor problem.

Haven't we built a fence or wall to keep you guys out yet? You are the people I have to protect Jill from; well you guys and El Chupacabra.

Miriam wrote a whole post blegging for comments. Please give her some to keep the worm out of her mouth.

The Richmond Democrat is letting everyone know that the Democrats are going to be the party of liberty. I'll try to keep that in mind when I want to light up a smoke or own a weapon in San Fran.

Michael has a news report of someone buying a cool urn; person included.

The Mind of a Moron decides to go out of his way to help the homeless polish their beggin skills.

General Kang decides to spend his time venting his frustration on package wrapping.

Lecentre has only a short quip to share with the Carnival of Comedy

Seaspook has only a few words and a news story to share, but it could evolve with more work into something grand.

Well, I've done my civic duty of protecting this deal. I'm handing it off to whoever is brave enough to do this next week.

You can't have a carnival without linking the wonderful (they pay me to say that) IMAO and pimping their podcast IMAudiO.
Who knows where the Carnival of Comedy will be next week. If you want to submit an article or sign up to host just go here.

Remember: Save Jill!

The Process

The rallies against the immigration bill got me thinking. You see, I’ve gone through the immigration process. Last Friday, my wife and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. I met my beautiful and intelligent wife while serving in the Army and living in Germany. My wife was and is still a Polish citizen.

I left the Army and went from Germany to Poland with my wife to be married. We both figured since we were going to be married that it would be quick and easy to get a visa for her to come back to the states with me to start our new life. We were both wrong. The day after we were married we went to the consulate to start the paper work to get her visa. We were both anxious to the states and get settled. The first step to the visa process was to fill out a form requesting consideration. After two weeks we were sent papers letting us know where to go to have the physical, blood tests, and background checks that are required in order to get a visa, along with a notice that said that all our documents needed to be translated by a US approved translator. We were also given a date for an interview with some one at the consulate to get her visa. It was set for 4 weeks after we received this notice.

Stressful does not even come close to describing the time period that we were preparing to get her visa. Not only was it a lot of work to get all our requirements in order but there was always a chance of being denied a visa (it was unlikely but it still weighed heavy on my wife’s mind). Not only was it stressful, but it was a long process that kept me from going to the states and starting my job. There was a point where we decided that if it took much longer I would have to go back and start work, while my wife stayed to finish up the visa process. For 6 weeks, my wife and I lived off my credit card while waiting to complete the visa process, AND THIS WAS FOR A SPOUSE OF A US CITIZEN.

We could have done it illegally. We could have got her a travel visa in a day and then applied for a permanent resident visa once we got back to the states; but we didn’t. We obeyed the law and did things correctly. Now I look and there are people who have done nothing but run across a border and then demonstrate and scream about their human rights, while putting down the same country they broke the law to come to. How racist these people are to think that because they live across our border they should get preferential treatment. What about the rest of the world who are forced to do things correctly and legally? They don’t get a by from the government. They don’t have the option of digging a tunnel to the US. They are forced to have a visa before they get on the plane.

So my opinion on granting ILEGAL ALIENS amnesty; what a crock of sh**. Go back to your country of origin and do things the right way. Don’t start off your life here in the US as a criminal.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Clock is Ticking

With only 171 days left until the Save Jill memorial barbeque, there has been a lot of traffic but not a lot of interest in Saving Jill. I’ve only received one letter saying that they would like to save Jill. Jill (the non goat) offered to buy Jill (the goat), but has yet to write me back and give me an offer. In a last attempt to get Jill (the non goat) to get on board and Save Jill, I wrote her a letter giving a good deal and ultimatum.

Dear Jill (the non goat),

I haven’t heard from you since your initial inquiry about buying Jill. I understand that you may think this is a joke and that Jill doesn’t exist. I can assure you that she does exist and she is to become an essential part of a barbeque in 171 days. I am going to make you an offer since you are the first to show true interest in actually saving Jill. I am willing to sell Jill to you for $10,000 US this week only. At the end of this week, Sunday April 2, 2006, the one time price of $10,000 US will be negated and Jill will again have to earn $16,000 to keep from becoming dinner. As an added bonus I will pay for shipping Jill to your location as long as you can make a few promises.

In order to receive Jill at this price you will have to promise:

To take good care of Jill (ie food, water, shelter, and vet care)
Protect her from lawn care workers.
Protect her from El Chupacabra.

If you can promise these things then Jill is yours for the price I discussed earlier in this email. Please respond as soon as possible to set up pay arrangements.

Dr. Phat Tony

I guess we’ll have to see if she was serious about Saving Jill or just full of it. Since I went and visited Jill this weekend I have some more pictures. She’s grown a lot and is now hanging out with all her cousins. She sticks close to mommy still, but she'll grow out of that soon.

Jill hanging out with her mommy and aunt.

Jill and her mommy catching up with the rest of the goats to eat some corn.

Donate to Save Jill here.
Buy Save Jill swag here.
Buy Kill Jill swag here.

Jill (the non goat) wrote back.

You are truly sick. Why don't you try to pay off debt the old fashioned way with a little hard work? This is the most pathetic attempt to make a quick buck I've ever heard!!! I am blocking you from contacting me again. Sorry to hear that you are this disturbed. There is only one being you will have to answer to for all this cruelty. You may want to think about that before you make any further decisions.

May God bless that poor little goat. (And give you the motivation to get a JOB!!!!)

Since I will respect her wishes of not being contacted, I'll respond here.

Jill (the non goat),
I'm all about hard work, and currently hold a job. I've improved my position in life quite a bit since leaving the Army. None of this has anything to do with my entrepreneurial spirit. You see, I'm no different than the man that bids $50 dollars on a horse at a horse auction. He takes his $50 horse and turns it into dog food and glue making him some quick coin. If people don't want him to do that, they must out bid him. I've bid $16,000 for this goat to be dinner. You don't like it; then stop whining and pay up. God, does not equate my soul to the life of an animal and I'm not being cruel (Jill is well fed, has shelter, and hangs out all day long with her family). I'm giving Jill more of a chance than any lawn care worker would. In the end Jill (the goat) will be blessed right before she's consumed. I've noticed a big change in heart since your last letter. You offered to Save Jill not more than a week ago but now your resolve has been broken. I hope that it is you that has a change in heart and mind, otherwise Jill will be a wonderful dinner for friends and family.
Dr. Phat Tony

PS: Notice how nice I was by not calling you an animal worshipping loon?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Jill Offers to Save Jill

I received an email from a possible savior to our favorite white goat. Jill has found hope in the form of Jill (the non-goat). I do hope Jill (the non-goat) decides to Save Jill.

I’ve edited the curse word, so that it sounds funny.

Okay Tony,
This is Jill
and I can truly say I can't frickin believe you could ever hurt that sweet, innocent goat named Jill. (What's that about?!?!?) If you don't come up with the funds in time to save Jill, PLEASE let me know!!!! We'll pay the money to have her spared and even to ship her over here. I hope to God it's a joke, but if not, please wicky wacky listen to me!!

Of course I responded.

Dear Jill (the non-goat),
Thank you for your enterest in Saving Jill. Your request to buy Jill is being considered. Correspondence will resume after careful deliberation. I also truly hope that Jill will be saved, but hope doesn't pay the bills and Jill is my ticket to financial stability. Jill's price is set (see article Save Jill) and that price was carefully picked out to enable me and my better half to gain the ability to start our own family (currently have no children). Without this money it would take years for us to pay off existing debt, and we would like to have a kid (non-goat) before I need a walker to go to little league games. I am open to hear your offer.
Dr. Phat Tony

Of course, things at casa de Phat Tony aren't that bad. The money won't make or break me, but it will Save Jill.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Guess What

I was given something today. It’s super cool. Guess what it is. I’m not giving any hints. I will give you a picture of the front and back (if there was a front and back). So what do you think it is? Be specific and answer in the comments.

Update: Alright everyone I'll tell you what it is. It's a piece of an exploded MOAB.

Save Jill Update

There is now $11 that has been donated to help Save Jill. A drop in the bucket but still any advancement towards the goal is a milestone for Jill. Remember that you can donate money here, buy Save Jill swag, or Kill Jill swag here.

On another note 6 legged lambs are no match for my dragon kung fu or a .22 mag. So, if I see any animals with extra limbs I’m shooting first.

Monday, March 20, 2006

B-Cack on Children’s Books

Ok, you know I have to get all pissed off every now and then while I spout of mostly incoherent gibberish... which is why you love me right? So, tonight I am feeling pretty froggy and just thought I would write to tell you how pissed off I get when I read a Dr Seuss book! Ok I know that is like saying that puppies are ugly right, everyone just went "awwwwwwwww". Well, most of you are going off of fond childhood memories of "whosits and fon finks, zazoo bon quinks and even von kesslehorn honkers" Ok enough I might have to kick my own ass if I keep on like that. So, my point it that if you have read any of this in your adult life, you will clearly see that he is a fraud! NO SHIT, anyone can be a writer when they just make up words to get their stories to rhyme! Now, besides the fact that he was a fraud, think about the crap our kids are learning with these books, it is bad enough that we can barely get most of the kids in public schools to speak English. Do we really have to subjugate them to this nonsense?


Friday, March 17, 2006

Military Jokes (A Phat History Lesson)

If there was anything that I learned during my short time in the Army is that there is an abundance of gullible people (read privates) to pull practical jokes on. These are a few that were either attempted on me (I’ll tell you what I did if anyone tried to pull one on me) or that I used on other soldiers. Most of the jokes are sending privates running around looking for equipment that doesn’t exist. Other jokes are just plain fun.

Warning: Most of these jokes might not be readily understood by people who have not been in the Military.

Things to tell privates to get:

• Go get a box of grid squares from supplies.
• Go get canopy lights for our night jump.
• Go to commo and get some squelch grease.
• Go to battalion and get the keys to area J. (I’ll help you out on this one. If I remember correctly, at Fort Bragg there is a training area called Area J. There is a gate that is locked there. There is no fence though so anyone can walk into the area.)
• Go get the 9-mil blank adapter from the armorer.
• Go to commo and get the PRC E-7, and don’t get the black one ‘cause it doesn’t work. (That joke only works if the platoon sergeant is black)
• Go get 100 feet of flight line.
• Go to the First Sergeant and get the ID 10T wire.
• Go get some chem-light batteries.
• Get some IR smoke grenades for the night live fire.

Fun in the motor pool

• Change the winter air out of the HMWWV’s tires to summer air.
• Get some turn signal fluid for this deuce-and-a-half.
• Go tell the mechanic you’ve got a dead-lined P-N1S. Write it down he’ll understand.
• Make sure you feed the Gamma Goat.
• Get some sky hooks for the vehicle so we can sling load.

Super fun games

“Space Invaders”: Line up privates in a hallway, make them do “little man in the woods” (jumping jacks while in a squat) and throw wet sponges at them to defend the hallway against the invading aliens.
“Here Hold My Camera”: A soldier gives you his camera to hold while he goes to do something (preferably far enough away not to see you). Take his camera and make a snapshot of your “little soldier”. Hand the camera to as many people as you can so that they can also join in the fun.
“Kuala-Fied”: Take a few privates, have them hang upside down on the trunks of trees by wrapping their arms and legs around the trunk, and whoever stays up the longest becomes “kuala-fied”.
“Hide Gay Pron Ads in the Lieutenant’s Equipment for Him to Find Later”: In the back of naked women mags, there is an abundance of gay pron ads. Cut these out and hide them throughout your Platoon Leader’s equipment. Eventually, one of the “Richard pics” will fall out at an inopportune time and hilarity will ensue.
“MOPP 4 Races”: Have privates don their MOPP gear and then create an obstacle course for them race.
“Snake Charming”: Work up some good solid waste. While downloading solid waste in to latrine, lift up and move forward. Extra points for coils in the bowl.
“Atomic Sit-up”

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Hypothetically Speaking Answers

Hypothetically, if I had time last night I would have answered these questions then, but I'm answering them now instead. Here we go.

B-Cack asks: "Ok Phat Tony here is one. Hypothetically speaking, if a hippie were to take a bath (catch your breath, I know it would NEVER happen but come on, humor me) so if said hippie were to take a bath, how much of each would they use: 1)Soap
3)Patchoulie (a well known hippie cover scent)"

DPT: This sound like one of those unaswerable math questions, like what is the square root of -1. There is many variables to this question. How much water pressure are we talking? Can we substitute caustic soda for soap? I'll send this to Cray so that they can run some simulations, since I doubt there will ever be a live experiment.

Daniel Levesque asks: "Hypothetically speaking, would you rather spend the rest of your life stuck in a full service mansion with all of the luxuries you could ever want, but the problem being hat you must share it with 30 of the most liberal people on the planet, or would you rather chew off your own foot?"

DPT: I think you have the ratio about right. 30 libs vrs one conservative equals a fair fight. The good thing is that I would be able to dispatch them while they were trying to get UN approval to retaliate against my attacks. The mansion would be mine in a matter of weeks.

Pop asks: "Your pop is providing me with lunch today in honor of people eating a tasty animal day. So I will eat at least two or three tasty animals in support of PETA day. Thank you Jeff."

DPT: Not sure how to respond to that since it was neither a question or hypothetical. Ummm....good for you and Jeff.

FIAR asks: "Hypothetically speaking, which would you rather be: Jill, or a dirty hippie PETArd?"

DPT: Hypothetically I would rather be a goat that belonged to a PETArd contributor. PETA would kill me, since they destroy %90 percent of the animals they "rescue", but a contributor to PETA would treat me as their god.

Linda asks: "If a group of us went together and bought lottery tickets, in FL or GA, would you share the wealth or disappear overnight?"

DPT: Peace out, I'll send you a post card. With lots of money, I could afford to be a recluse or buy me that entourage I've been wanting.

JimmyB the CUG asks: "To springboard off of Fitch: Would you rather kill Jill, or a dirty-hippy PETArd?"

DPT: I heard the PETArds are tough, stringy and leave a bad after taste. I think Jill would make a better meal.

JimmyB the CUG asks: "Hypothetically: If you new a right wing blogger that was a gun nut and worked in the auto-industry, would you let him come over for supper and have a slice of Jill? If he brought some guns to shoot, would that help? Heh. Hypothetically, of course...."

DPT: You will be invited. I just hope you can make it. As the time grows near I'll get you directions and an official invite.

JimmyB the CUG said: "That should have been knew, not new."

DPT: Why not gnu?

Fmragtops asks: "Let's say that I have a friend that has a hypothetical ex-wife. Hypothetically, do think he could hypothetically post her picture on his blog, and see if people will pay him hypothetical money to hypothetically not kill her...Hypothetically speaking of course."

DPT: Hypothetically, do you know any hypothetical people that would pay for the hypothetical life of a hypothetical x-wife?

Cove Rebel said: "I'm just glad UAW Guy didn't say "...and have a PIECE of Jill." THAT would be a whole different request!"

DPT: hypothetically if he did, jokes would come forth about him living in Tennessee, he could be a fire chief in Mississippi, and comedy would ensue.

Crazy Politico asks: "Hypothetically speaking, if Pamela "I am PETA" Anderson offered to do you like she did Tommy Lee in their home video in exchange for Jill's life, would you take the offer?"

DPT: I've never been big on hepatitis or herpes, so I would pass.

A4G asks: "Hypothetically speaking, if you mated Jill with the Dr. Phat chimp, would you get a poo-throwing goat, or a monkey with a dog-pleasuring fetish?"

DPT: You mean like a choat or a gimp? I'm thinking poo throwing gimp.

Tyler D. asks: "Hypothetically speaking, if I had a very good marinade for goat meat, would I be invited to the barbecue?"

DPT: You're invited too. I know you can make it, cause it's not that far of a drive for you.

Beej said: "I have no question today :(I just wanted to say that I f**king *hate* the smell of Patchouli! It makes me heave."

DPT: I think that everyone is just glad your back.

Contagion asks: "If you had the choice of doing a job you hated and making in excess of $250,000 a year or a Job you love doing making $35,000 a year. What would you do? What if you couldn't blog with the job you hated?"

DPT: I have long ago realized that regardless of what you do for a living it becomes work. Since I've never been big on work, I would take the money and the sucky job. Everyone has their price. As for blogging, it's fun but taking care of my family comes first.

Alright, that's all for this week's q&a. Hypothetically it would have taken me longer if more people asked questions.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Hypothetically Speaking

Hey everyone. I’m here to take your questions in exchange for some ridiculous answers. Today’s theme is for everyone to ask me some hypothetical question. You can use the ol ‘I have a friend that has a problem’ or stick with the ‘what if’ schtick. Whatever it takes to make you feel normal. Leave them in the comments and hypothetically I’ll give you good answers.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Save Jill Is No Joke

I know that some of you still think that Save Jill is a joke. How do I know some of you still think that Save Jill is a joke? I spoke with B-Cack on Saturday and let him know I was going to see Jill on Sunday and he said; “I thought you were joking.”

Anyway, I went and saw Jill yesterday. I thought I had some great pictures, but as it turns out the options on the camera on my phone was set so I only ended up with 1x1 pictures of low quality. So squint and you should be able to make them out. I’ll have better pictures next week.
I had a long talk with her and she offered up her cousins to take her place, very noble of her.
I’ve been learning a lot about goats since I’ve started this thing. I’ve found out that goats are quite stupid. This one for instance, thinks that pleasuring the dog will get her milk. I think the best caption I’ve heard so far was “Hot goat on dog action”.
Here is my wife holding a goat that is only a week old.
Jill’s cousin look like she’ll grow up to be wonderful dinner guest.

The clock is ticking on Jill’s life. She has only raised $7 so far. Spread the word and Save Jill! To donate click here. To buy Save Jill swag click here. To buy Kill Jill swag click here.


Hey everyone, I’m going to be posting some more about the Save Jill saga later. As a matter of fact, most of my post will be in the evening time now. I’ve got some new pictures of Jill and her cousins. It should be fun, so come back later to hear the news.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Another Satisfied Customer

I don't get a lot of hate mail, but occasionally I get an email from some one who appreciates what I do for mankind. Click this to here the words of praise and affirmation.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Phone Gadgets

I received a new phone yesterday and I might have to go take some sort of advanced geek mobile phone course in order to use it. This phone seems to have more gadgets and technology on it than my desktop. I look at the instruction manual (the first step to defeat) and it turns out that it's not the instruction manual at all, but the preamble to the instruction manual. The instruction manual is actually a pdf file on a cd that comes with the phone. Alright, so I throw that in the computer and start looking around. 1 million options and I'm only going to be using 6. Besides being able to play mp3s, take pictures, and record videos, there is the direct connect and also a direct talk that turns the phone into a regular walkie talkie that has a 6 mile max range and doesn't use towers. It also has that rotten tooth thing on it. What the hell is that for? It has a gps on it in case I ever have to call in an air strike, it's only giving me lat/long and games that just tease you with the demos and want you to buy the whole game so that you can play more than three hands of poker or 1 hole on the golf course. I think this might be a sign that I'm getting old. If I pick up a phone and can't figure out how to use with out the help of my computer then I must be a relic. On a good note though, I do look super important with it on my belt.

Also, now that I have a phone that plays mp3s; do I have to walk around and look like I'm having a grand mal seizure, only pausing to answer the phone?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Round Up

Hey guys, I’ve been reading through my archives and have came to the conclusion that I was once funny. I’m not sure what happened, or even the date that it happened, but I’ve lost some of that comedic genius I once had. I think it was when Mensa Barbie stopped coming by to read my articles.

Anyway, I have a mission for you; if you choose to accept it. Look back through the archives and tell me what your favorite article is. I’m truly interested and want to try to get back to the root of the funny.

To keep this post from being a complete waste, this link will show you what to do to get to speak to a live person at call centers for hundreds of companies.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Kill Jill Volume 2

It looks like the time span for Jill’s life has to be altered. I’ve received a lot of comments that have assured me that a year is too long for Jill. It seems the best time to end Jill would be at 7 months. The death clock has been reset with the end date on Sept 16, 2006. This reduces her time to make money but I’m going a step further to help her, sort of.

For those who would want to partake in some Jill barbeque, I have a new shirt to help show your support of eating Jill. The Kill Jill shirt is available for purchase now. So whether you want to Save Jill or Kill Jill, you can sport your convictions on the center of your chest. As always you can just donate to Save Jill.

Save Jill or not.

Update: Save Jill has made me number one for something.

Dang It

I’ve been holding off on this rant for quite some time now. I really didn’t want to post about this, but I feel I owe some bloggers that I read an explanation. I will not be posting comments on a few the blogs on the sidebar anymore. The reason is, quite simply put, I’m tired of arguing. I’m not admitting defeat by any means, but I’m not going to waste one iota of my time arguing with “progressives” about the way things should be or are. Twice I have made points and documented where I came up with facts and twice “progressives” have acknowledged the facts and in the same breath disregarded them. I’ve seen wackos say things like “my right to clean air” and all I can think is WTF. How can you argue with someone that just makes up rights as they go along? So there is a new policy at DPT’s, I’m not going to comment unless I have a true comedic gem. I’m not going to even look at the comments to your post unless I have something hysterical to say. I will continue to read your post but I’m not going to disparage my view on humanity because a few wackos have internet access. I’m don't care that people have differing points of view or even want them to see things my way, but I don't have to intentionally read retarded remarks made by Marxist tree hugging, anti-victory, surrender monkeys either.

I’m not going to take anymore communist propaganda in the comments.

I recently had a woman comment about communism and basically said that all my readers were stupid and should do some research. After I deleted her comment to show the irony of someone believing in communism then having to face censorship of anti-establishment thought, she became mad and explained how she would never delete anyone’s comment. That sort of set me off, so I deleted that comment too. You see I do know about communism by proxy. My wife has first hand experience of communism. She’s told me stories of having to bribe nurses to get better care for her ailing grandmother. She’s told me about waiting in line for hours to have the chance of buying certain goods. She explained it to me like this. Everyone had money, but there was just nothing to buy. Why would there be? Since there is no incentive to produce, why would anyone rise to the challenge? So, since the only way for some one to argue for communism is to call my wife a liar, I’m not going to tolerate communist propaganda in the comments. You want to believe that socialism and communism works and that we should change our society to make it a “peaceful utopia”? Fine go try to sell it to someone else, because I know the truth and I’m not going to waste my time arguing it anymore.


Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Jill Watch 2

So far Jill has yet to get the ball really rolling on her money raising. I think this might be partially my fault. Most people don’t really want to waste $2 on something that may or may not happen. Well I’m fixing that right now. I have decided to design Jill a shirt she can sell to raise money. Jill will make exactly $2 from each shirt she sells. Right now she only has one in black, but more will follow. She has a whole store filled with Save Jill swag. Now instead of just donating $2 you can buy a shirt and Jill actually earns a $2 commission. I’ll keep you posted. Save Jill!
Update: I have donated four of my own dollars to save Jill. That makes seven dollars total. I've recieved alot of comment telling me that one year is too long. I'm opening up a vote to decide whether it should be one year or 8 months. Please leave you vote in the comment section as to when Jill should meet her destiny.

Monday, March 06, 2006

B-Cack Responds

Here is a short rant from B-Cack after a communist suggested that my readers were uneducated and needed to do some research.

Phat Tony,

I am really intrigued by some of the posts I have seen here lately! I have to offer my congratulations and say "good job". You must have struck a nerve with the pinko, hippie, faggot, anti-Bush crowd if they are on your post crying about how "America violates human rights" and blah blah blah. I would be willing to bet a few things about this type of person and their thinking.

A) They rushed out on 12 SEP 01 and tried to buy an American flag.

B) They have never even left the United States, much less have any idea what actually goes on when the military deploys to conduct operations.

C) They have never gone without shit, everyone of them stinkin' bastards complains about the "War in Iraq" and never even realizes how good they have it.

Funny how we don't have any rationing of meat or gas or rubber or silk or people growing their own vegetables like we did in WWII.......... WE NEED TO CHANGE THE MOTTO ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY TO THIS: "Be as fat and worthless as you want, while sucking down a $5 mocha frappa latte Starbucks, while you badmouth the Country, President and Military." Get a clue people, Jib Jib don't give a shit what you think about his feelings, all he cares about is killing you and me and everyone else who isn't a Jib Jib. Just keep your head in the ground little ostrich, people like me make it safe for you to lay down your worthless heads at night.

P.S. Please stop stealing oxygen from the rest of us.


Note from Phat Tony: I’m pretty sure B-Cack was telling the anti-war weenies to stop stealing oxygen. Unless he was full of Johnny Walker, then he might have been talking to me.

Also, remember when I told you I was a minority in high school. I found some people I can relate to.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Jill Watch

Here is an update on Jill. Jill has surprised me by actually earning $3. All though that is pretty good, at this pace she’s not going to make it. I’m sure if she had the ability she would tell the people that donated thank you. This is what she looked like when I told her that she had only raised $3 so far.

Also I had to raise the minimum amount to donate. It seems that with the level set at a dollar Jill would be making Amazon more money than need be. The minimum level is set at $2 now to decrease the percentage of Amazon’s take.

Any who, I hope this is just a slow start to Jill’s money making. Now get there everyone and Save Jill.
Save Jill!

Communist Teacher Starter Kit

It seems that everyone just loves this wacko teacher’s rant made during a geography class in a high school in Colorado. I really have to ask, “Did you expect anything else?” It seems to me that it’s only natural for a college educated man that chooses geography to be his purpose in life to be a communist. Let me explain. Geography, all though important for students to learn, can be learned by just picking up a map or a globe. This means that a geography teacher can easily be replaced by an inanimate object.

So here are some things that you need to have to become a communist teacher.
• Disheveled or balding with long hair. You can’t be a raving loony without it.

• A useless profession. If you can be replace by book or an inanimate object, then the only possible way for you to earn a living is to believe in socialism. Someone has to take care of you since you aren’t really producing anything.
• You have to believe in at least one Zionist conspiracy and the Military Industrial Complex.
• Repeat this, “Castro is great! Hugo Chavez is great! Bush is Hitler!”
• You have to believe that the only reason communism hasn’t worked yet is because of the people that ran it.
• Showering is optional. As a matter of fact, the more you smell the better your chances of becoming a famous communist teacher.
• Hate corporations, but have no problem accepting money for not producing anything.

Did I miss anything?

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Kill Jill Vol. 1 Questions and Answers

I received quite a bit of interest in my Save Jill project yesterday, but I think I need to clear up some things. Some of you may think I’m joking and there are some other questions that may need to be answered. I’ll try to answer all the questions but if I leave some out just ask them in the comment section.

Q: You can’t be serious. This is a joke right? You’re not really going to kill Jill, are you?

A: I’m serious. Yes, I own Jill. Yes, on March 15 2007 Sept 15 2006, if Jill hasn’t raised the money specified in Save Jill she’ll be dead and well on her way to being dinner. Here is another picture of Jill. It looks like she wants to go play in the field.

Q: This can’t be legal. Isn’t this extortion?

A: Of course it’s legal. Jill is my property. Extortion would be if I threatened someone else’s goat.

Q: Isn’t this cruelty to animals? That wouldn’t be legal.

A: I’m not being cruel to Jill. Jill is having a wonderful time being a young goat as of right now. I’m going to kill her quite humanely. I’ll put a bullet through the base of her skull and sever the brain stem. She won’t even hear the shot.

Q: This is just a scam right? You’re trying to do the same thing as that Save Toby guy.

A: No it’s not a scam. That Save Toby guy went to a pet shop and picked up a bunny. He wasn’t even going to butcher Toby on his own. I doubt he ate it. I wouldn’t eat that rabbit; it looked to be mostly fat. Jill on the other hand will make one tasty dinner for a few people.

Q: Can I help save Jill besides donating money?

A: Sure. Here is a picture for Save Jill. Put it on your sight and have it linked to the donation page or the Save Jill article.

Q: Can I buy Jill from you to keep you from eating her?

A: The price is set at $16000. If there is a one time donor for all the marbles and they want to keep Jill. They can have her, but then I can't promise that Jill would have a long life.

Q: What if Jill makes $15999? Will she still be ate?

A: I’ll ask around to people I know to donate a dollar, before I put a bullet in her head. If no one can come up with the last buck; Jill is f**ked (shot in the head, you perverts).
Q: Do you really think Jill will be saved?

A: As of right now; things aren’t looking good for Jill. Not one dollar has been donated to keep Jill alive yet. It’s still early in the game though. So get out there and Save Jill.
Save Jill!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Save Jill

I would like to introduce to you a new member of the Dr. Phat Tony family. This is Jill. Jill is 3 ½ weeks old, and probably one of the cutest things ever. Unfortunately Jill is in a fight for her life and she doesn’t even know it. I’ve tried to explain the rules of the house to Jill, but I doubt she understands them. There are a few rules at casa de Phat Tony’s. One rule is, you have to be of use to live with me. Unfortunately, as of right now, Jill is only good at eating and pooping. This doesn’t give her any significant use. I have laid down the ultimatum to Jill. Jill is to raise $16,000 or Jill is going to become a wonderful dinner on March 15 2007 Sept 16, 2006. Jill only has one of two uses; she is either going to make money for the family or feed the family. Yes, I’m serious. Everyone currently living at my house has a purpose and at least the potential to make money, except Jill. What will happen if Jill does raise the money? She will live out her natural life on a farm being a happy goat and doing whatever happy goats do (mainly eating and pooping), never having to worry about being anyone’s dinner. What if she doesn’t raise the money? She’ll end up being the main course at the “Eat a Tasty Animal for PETA” feast next year Phat Tony barbeque in September.

I’m sure some of you are thinking I’m cold and callous. You would be right. I have no qualms about putting a bullet through Jill’s head, then butchering her to feed friends and family. You can stop this. Instead of just complaining about how mean I am, put a dollar in a the pot and help keep Jill breathing instead of cooking. You and 16000 of your friends can donate a dollar (or you and 8000 of your friends donating 2 dollars) to keep Jill from becoming a delicious meal. Do I really expect Jill to raise the money? No, I expect Jill to be cooking slowly on March 15 2007 Sept 16, 2006, but I’ve been wrong before. It’s up to you and I’m sure Jill would be grateful for you donation to her continued life as a goat and not as a dish. The clock is ticking and I will posting updates and pictures on a regular basis letting you know how Jill is doing. I will also be posting pictures of the meal if Jill fails.

Donate Now To Save Jill

Jill and her mommy.

Update 1
Update 2
Update 3
Update 4

You can also buy Jill Swag now to help Save Jill!

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