Monday, March 27, 2006

Clock is Ticking

With only 171 days left until the Save Jill memorial barbeque, there has been a lot of traffic but not a lot of interest in Saving Jill. I’ve only received one letter saying that they would like to save Jill. Jill (the non goat) offered to buy Jill (the goat), but has yet to write me back and give me an offer. In a last attempt to get Jill (the non goat) to get on board and Save Jill, I wrote her a letter giving a good deal and ultimatum.

Dear Jill (the non goat),

I haven’t heard from you since your initial inquiry about buying Jill. I understand that you may think this is a joke and that Jill doesn’t exist. I can assure you that she does exist and she is to become an essential part of a barbeque in 171 days. I am going to make you an offer since you are the first to show true interest in actually saving Jill. I am willing to sell Jill to you for $10,000 US this week only. At the end of this week, Sunday April 2, 2006, the one time price of $10,000 US will be negated and Jill will again have to earn $16,000 to keep from becoming dinner. As an added bonus I will pay for shipping Jill to your location as long as you can make a few promises.

In order to receive Jill at this price you will have to promise:

To take good care of Jill (ie food, water, shelter, and vet care)
Protect her from lawn care workers.
Protect her from El Chupacabra.

If you can promise these things then Jill is yours for the price I discussed earlier in this email. Please respond as soon as possible to set up pay arrangements.

Dr. Phat Tony

I guess we’ll have to see if she was serious about Saving Jill or just full of it. Since I went and visited Jill this weekend I have some more pictures. She’s grown a lot and is now hanging out with all her cousins. She sticks close to mommy still, but she'll grow out of that soon.

Jill hanging out with her mommy and aunt.

Jill and her mommy catching up with the rest of the goats to eat some corn.

Donate to Save Jill here.
Buy Save Jill swag here.
Buy Kill Jill swag here.

Jill (the non goat) wrote back.

You are truly sick. Why don't you try to pay off debt the old fashioned way with a little hard work? This is the most pathetic attempt to make a quick buck I've ever heard!!! I am blocking you from contacting me again. Sorry to hear that you are this disturbed. There is only one being you will have to answer to for all this cruelty. You may want to think about that before you make any further decisions.

May God bless that poor little goat. (And give you the motivation to get a JOB!!!!)

Since I will respect her wishes of not being contacted, I'll respond here.

Jill (the non goat),
I'm all about hard work, and currently hold a job. I've improved my position in life quite a bit since leaving the Army. None of this has anything to do with my entrepreneurial spirit. You see, I'm no different than the man that bids $50 dollars on a horse at a horse auction. He takes his $50 horse and turns it into dog food and glue making him some quick coin. If people don't want him to do that, they must out bid him. I've bid $16,000 for this goat to be dinner. You don't like it; then stop whining and pay up. God, does not equate my soul to the life of an animal and I'm not being cruel (Jill is well fed, has shelter, and hangs out all day long with her family). I'm giving Jill more of a chance than any lawn care worker would. In the end Jill (the goat) will be blessed right before she's consumed. I've noticed a big change in heart since your last letter. You offered to Save Jill not more than a week ago but now your resolve has been broken. I hope that it is you that has a change in heart and mind, otherwise Jill will be a wonderful dinner for friends and family.
Dr. Phat Tony

PS: Notice how nice I was by not calling you an animal worshipping loon?


At 9:48 AM, Anonymous FIAR said...

"Protect her from El Chupacabra"


and FIRST!!!

At 10:04 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

The "goat sucker" is a goat killing machine.

At 10:05 AM, Blogger fmragtops said...

Damn It, Fitch! You beat me to the punch on that one. That is freaking hilarious. We can't have Jill being eaten by anyone other than Dr. Phat Tony, right? especially illegal aliens.

At 10:28 AM, Blogger a4g said...

$10,000 sure would buy a lot more goats. I figure someone would have to pay $1,000,000 to save a whole herd.

Doctor, you might be more of a financial genius than Hillary!.

At 11:06 AM, Blogger Rooster Cashews said...

People in the office were looking at me as I tried to stiffle a laugh on protecting her from lawn workers.

With Chupacabra, I lost it and excused myself tor lunch.

At 11:14 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

I should ad a link for chupacabra.

At 11:31 AM, Blogger fmragtops said...

I wonder if Jill (the non-goat) ever considered the cruelty perpetrated against that iceberg lettuce in her salad?

For something to live, something has to die. It's that simple. I hope she gives a serious attempt to eating without killing.

Then again, being a liberal asshat she'll redefine life to suit her needs.

At 11:33 AM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Is this a zero-sum game? i.e. Does buying Kill Jill swag cancel someone elses Save Jill swag?

Will you chill Jill after you kill Jill, or just fill on Jill and discard the remaining swill on the hill (for El Chupacabra)?

At 11:46 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Despite your attempts to try and channel Dr. Seuss, I will not change my strategy. All proceeds from either shirt (lets be honest, Jill's not going to make it regardless) will go towards the $16,000. I'm very disappointed in Jill (the non goat) though. I was hoping she was eccentric instead of crazy.

At 2:52 PM, Blogger Ssssteve said...

This was feakin' hilarious!!! Love it when loony people write in!!!

At 3:02 PM, Blogger a4g said...

I'm still wondering exactly what you mean by I'm giving Jill more of a chance than any lawn care worker.

Just what the hell goes on in that soundproofed garage of yours, Dr. Phat? And what exactly happened to Pedro, and Jose, and Miguel, and Ismael, and Alejandro, and ...

At 4:12 PM, Blogger Contagion said...

I'm just thinking of how delicious she'll be when you finally eat her.

At 4:22 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Sorry about that A4G, I corrected my grammar to make it more readable.

At 4:22 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Contagion, you are going to make the drive down here for the barbeque right?

At 3:18 AM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Way to burn a hippy, Doc!
Midgets, poo, and goat suckers.
I doesn't get any better.

At 8:15 AM, Blogger Peakah said...

i'm assuming that the lawn care workers are related to the leaf blower people that decide to walk around my neighborhood at 7am each morning...

Are there protests all over america to keep the lawn care workers and leaf blower people here? I'm lost, lets eat Jill already.

At 8:23 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Soon Peakah. By the way, would you make it to AL for the memorial service?

At 10:09 AM, Blogger PoP said...

Lets call it a wake. I'll even bring the taquela. BWT how did the gun shoot? Fun wasn't it.

At 10:21 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Ya I owe you 2 1/2 boxes of ammo

At 1:40 PM, Anonymous Kath said...

Haha, that's great :o)


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