Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Taser Fun

I was told this story by a friend a few months ago and now it ended up in my inbox. It's a great story so enjoy. (No, this is not me.)

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop in Huntsville that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION !!!!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-. . . . .!!!!! That hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Of course I got scooped by the guy who told me the story.
Sorry Cove Rebel.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Triumphant Return

I came back from my vacation a winner, of sorts. I did not win the snapper competition, but I did accomplish everything on my “to do list”. We left on Thursday evening for Gulf Shores and came back Sunday evening. I guess the best way to do this is to list all the things that I did and saw on my weekend at the beach.

• Walked on the beach. Check
• Got sun-burnt. Check
• Swam in the Gulf of Mexico. Check
• Got sand in my shorts. Check
• Saw Pop wear slacks and suspenders on the beach. Check
• Drank beer. Check
• Watched a boat troll for sharks using live bait. Check
• Went fishing on a charter boat. Check
• Caught my limit of snapper. Check
• Pop caught his limit of snapper too. Check (author’s tip: If your tackle smells like squid; you won’t catch any snapper.)

• Deck hand showed us his crabs. Check
• Bought souvenir coffee mug. Check
Had hot rolls thrown at me. Check
• Drove home with only one cd in the player because the other cd’s were covered with luggage. Check
• Applied aloe to my wife’s skin because she got sun-burnt too. Check
• Woke up earlier than I normally do everyday of my vacation. Check
• Took an extra day of vacation to recover from my vacation. Nope, I should have though.

In all it was a blast. I hope to do it again next year but maybe leave out the sun-burnt thing.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Live Blogging My Day Off

My first day of vacation and I’m staying at home, or going to do my best to stay at home. I’ll try to keep everyone up to date with how my day is going.

9:26 a.m. Disposition: Just woke up. Still in my under pants.
Cups of Coffee consumed: One
Shower: Not yet.
Shave: Not if I can help it. It’s my day off.
Immediate plans: Might turn on the t.v. and see what’s on.

11:04 a.m. Disposition: Wearing sweats and a t-shirt now. Watched one loop on ESPN. Watched some Pride fighting on FSN. Saw a guy get his arm broke.
Cups of Coffee consumed: 3 cups
Immediate plans: Take shower and put some new tires on the car. After that I’ll have to decide whether to pack first or play Call of Duty II.

Monday 8:12 a.m. Disposition: Back at work. I realized quickly last Thursday that I would never get to post another update as to how my day was going. I ended up car shopping all day and then leaving for the Gulf of Mexico. Sorry to all those who were actually interested in my day off. I'll be posting the recap of my vacation later today.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Well Deserved

At 4:30 p.m. Central Standard time, I started my well-deserved vacation. I even cracked open a cold one after work to celebrate. It’s not a long vacation (only 4 days) but I think that it will be a good one. Tomorrow I'll be at home and might even live blog my lazy day.

Now everyone congratulate me and wish me luck on the whole snapper thing.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Snapper Hunter

Only a few days left till I hit the coast in search of some snapper. Me, my dad, and my nephew are going to be down at the coast trying to get as much snapper as we can. It seems the best place to get snapper is near the beach. Now just because we’re going to be hunting snapper doesn’t mean we’re snapper heads. We just like to eat snapper. As a matter of fact, we’ve entered a contest to see who can get the largest snapper. I really wasn’t interested in large snapper, but I’ll give it a shot since there are cash prizes. I’m personally a little scared of snapper that could swallow your arm.

My wife is going with us but she has no interest in snapper at all. She’s just not that way. My nephew on the other hand is really excited. This will be the first time he has ever got a hold of some snapper. I’m sure after the first one he’ll get the hang of it and know exactly what to do with the snapper.

Anyway, wish us good luck on the snapper contest. I’ll have lots of pictures to share after this weekend. The goal is to get a snapper larger than this one.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Everyone’s Been Wondering

I’m sure a lot of you have been wondering about the unusual lack of posting. If you haven’t then play along because my ego couldn’t bare it. I have been extremely busy at work and just too lazy at home. I’ll do my best to get everyone caught up.

Over the weekend I found out a few things about my dog (I took her to the farm where Jill is at). One is that she is incredibly stupid. I don’t know why but as soon as I let her off the leash she went and found a dead animal to roll in. Gross! I had to wash her and put her back on the leash to keep her from doing it again. Two is that she is gun shy. My dog is such a big wuss. I had her on the on of those 30ft retractable leashes and tied to a tree so she wouldn’t go and roll in dead animals. Me and the farmer started to shoot clay pigeons. After going through a few, I look over and the dog is gone. She has chewed through her leash and hid underneath the car. Stupid dog.

Jill is doing fine. She’s growing real fast. It looks like she’ll be larger than her mother. She hasn’t made any more money though, so it’s a good thing she’s growing big. There should be a lot of people at her memorial service and I want to make sure everyone gets enough to eat.

Point Five did an awesome job with the Carnival of Comedy. I’m glad I don’t have to host next week. It’s hard to follow that.

Everyone try to keep in mind what tomorrow is all about. It’s the day the Jews and Italians killed my God.

Not this weekend but Next weekend I’m going fishing. Me and Pop are going to the Gulf of Mexico to catch illegals. All you have to do is bait the hook with a fake green card and you’ll catch the limit. We might catch some fish too.

The last thing is this picture of the newest addition to Jill’s extended family. That’s the Farmer in the brown shirt. I’ve got to keep posting pictures of Jill and her family. She hasn’t been gaining the sympathy I was hoping for.

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Legacy of Steven Hawking

This article was submitted by Lil B-Cack. Phat Tony has never dated a wheelchair bound genius.

My whole life, everyone has told me to be nice to others, even if I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling someone the truth. And I have to be honest, if you are going to get anywhere in the world, it’s a true statement. You can’t very well walk around telling your boss he is the biggest most incompetent asshat in the world. So I pretty much try to be nice to people, or at least civil, even hippies… well not to hippies, but they don’t count. Onto my story… It’s the first day of my second semester at Hippie University and I walk into one of my classes and this gentleman in a wheel chair says “hi” to me. Of course I say hello back, not knowing what I was getting myself into. I was saddened that day as I watched this boy say hello to every person that walked through the door and everybody either gave him a dirty look or pretended he didn’t exist. Everybody wants to have friends, and I decided I was going to be nice and treat him like every other human being. So I started talking to him about class, and about the weather, and that is where the problems began.

Steven Hawking (name has been changed to protect the wheelchair bound, but I SWEAR he talks and even looks like Steven Hawking!) latched onto me like a fat kid onto a buffet line. I can’t get rid of him! It started innocently (and in innocently I mean deceptively). After saying “hi, how are you? Did you get the homework?” in class for about 2 weeks, he asked me if he could have my homework “in case he missed class and needed to copy the notes or get the homework assignments.” (And in Steven Hawking talk, this sentence took about 4 minutes to utter). That’s fair enough. I know how hard it can be to take a class and not know anybody to get homework assignments from, so I obliged. This was my first mistake. 5 hours later he calls me and says “Lil’ B-Cack, you seem like such a cool person, I would like to get to know you better, would you like to go to dinner sometime?” Now I have already been on a date with a midget, I’m sorry you can’t top that, even though it would be SORT of cool to say “I ate dinner with Steven Hawking.” But I do NOT need to have Steven Hawking for a boyfriend so I immediately went into panic mode. “I’m sorry, but I have a boyfriend and it’s really serious. I’m not interested in dating anyone.” Okay, so it was a bold face lie, I don’t have a serious boyfriend because 1) I don’t’ like hippies and that’s all there is at my school, and 2) I don’t want to give B-Cack a brain hemorrhage, and the vein pops out whenever I even MENTION boys. Anyway, so we finish our conversation and I think that is that. But the next morning when I wake up I have a text message on my phone from my iron-sided friend. It says “I just want to be friends; I didn’t mean to scare you off. I don’t have any friends and that’s all I’m looking for. I don’t want you to be my girlfriend.” I was relieved so my conscious made me go out to dinner with him. I mean after all, the guy just sort of sits there; he couldn’t make a move on me….

Dinner (and a movie) turned out to be the longest night in my entire life. There are only so many things that a person can talk about with Steven Hawking, besides black holes and string theory, ( and let it be noted here, that B-Cack was wrong. He swore that he would be a Trekkie, and he in fact “prefers Lord of the Rings” over Star Trek!) and after a 3 hour dinner (yes it took him that long to shovel food into his pie hole) we finally made it to the movie. The movie was fine and I enjoyed myself, but then the real fun began. Steven Hawking likes to smoke. Steven Hawking smokes a lot! Steven Hawking chain smokes like a mofo! Only he can’t hold the cigarette himself. Someone else has to hold it while he puffs away. I can’t describe in all it’s mystic beauty how freaking funny this sight is, but after I got home I had tears in my eyes laughing about it( and yes I know I am going to hell) and re-enacting it does it no justice (believe me I have tried). So apparently hanging out with him one time gave Steven the impression that I wanted to hang out with him every single Friday night from now until Event Horizon. Steven Hawking was wrong. And this is where Lil’ B-Cack starts getting pissed off.

Not only does he want me to hang out with him every week, he also calls me every single night at exactly 9:01 pm and wants to talk on the phone (about nothing really) for at least 45 minutes. Now I am a full time student, and I don’t have time to be wasting on this kid. I have way more important things to be doing (like planning to sabotage hippie protests and shooting guns and what not). But Steven Hawking doesn’t understand this. If I don’t answer the phone at exactly 9:01pm when he calls, he will hang up and call back, hang up and call back, until I answer (leaving messages every time). One night someone called me at 8:54 pm and I proceeded to talk to them. When Steven called, I took his call and said “I’m on the phone and it’s REALLY important, I’ll call you back when I am done” but that wasn’t’ good enough for Steven Hawking. I was on the phone for 37 minutes (after Steven called), and in those 37 minutes Steven called me 32 times and filled my inbox completely full of text messages (50 messages). Now this irritated me to no end. I don’t’ care who you are that is freaking annoying. When I went on spring break I told him I was not going to have cell phone service and not to call me, but he did anyway. 78 times to be exact, in 3 days! With a voicemail that was at least 2 minutes each time. He also gets mad if I do not give him my undivided attention while I am on the phone with him.

He also resorts to public humiliation to make himself feel cool. Steven can control the volume of his computerized voice. He can speak in a normal tone. But does he? Not exactly. He waits until there are a whole bunch of people around at school and will trap me (literally, wheel himself closer to me until I am backed into a wall) and talk to me. Then when enough people have congregated he will yell “WELL I WILL CALL YOU AT NINE TONIGHT LIKE I DO EVERY NIGHT!!!!!” I don’t know what to do.
I know I am being taken advantage by Steven Hawking, and I want it to stop. So here is my question for Dr. Phat Tony and all his loyal readers. How do I tell Steven Hawking to go get fucked without seeming like a complete and total bitch? Can I ever shake him loose, or am I to be plagued forever by his 9:01pm phone calls and endless stalking? Either way, this experience has taught be not to be nice to anyone and just keep my mouth shut. ~~~Lil’ B-Cack Out!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Handing out

I’m handing out links today. I’m doing this partially because I don’t have a lot of time to write a creative post and partially because there are some interesting things out there.

Has anyone else seen Uncyclopedia? There is tons of made up information for anyone that wants to be misinformed. I’m sort of partial to the Quaid Disaster Theorem.

When birds attack?

This is what midgets do for fun in Mobile, I guess. (You have to suffer through a stupid commercial then the news story plays.)

Spacemonkey infected me with a virus. The only way I can get rid of it is to pass it to someone else. So I pass the Indie Virus to Point Five; not that I expect them to participate, but because I think they are one of the most under-read blogs out there.

So if you type in “What are belly buttons for?” in Google hoping for something funny and then press “I’m feeling lucky” you sort of get lucky.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Giving Dap Now Outlawed in Congress

Congresswoman McKinney (D, Georgia) is facing possible prosecution for striking a police officer. The officer stopped McKinney after she passed through a checkpoint with out showing her ID or having her congressional pin on. The officer alleges that Congresswoman McKinney then hit him with her cell phone.

Congresswoman McKinney has released this statement to Dr. Phat Tony’s (which means I’m making it all up):
“I can’t help that the white guard don’t have enough rhythm and coordination to ‘give dap’. The only error I made was to try to show I appreciated the guard by letting him know that I was ‘down’ with the whole security thing. It went just like this. I walked by him, said ‘Yo, what up renta-a-cop?’ then went to give him dap. He started flailing his arms like he didn’t know what he was doing and I accidentally popped him, when all I was trying to do was pound knuckles, ya mean?”

The Capital Police have released this statement responding to Congresswoman McKinney’s statement (I made this up too):

“We understand that us white people can only give handshakes and the occasional awkward high five, but I doubt that congresswoman McKinney was trying to give the officer a special handshake. We will investigate this thoroughly and make public our findings as soon as possible. Until this is settled we are asking everyone to not give any special types of handshakes and instead either grasp and pump twice or just give a nod.”