The Legacy of Steven Hawking

This article was submitted by Lil B-Cack. Phat Tony has never dated a wheelchair bound genius.

My whole life, everyone has told me to be nice to others, even if I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling someone the truth. And I have to be honest, if you are going to get anywhere in the world, it’s a true statement. You can’t very well walk around telling your boss he is the biggest most incompetent asshat in the world. So I pretty much try to be nice to people, or at least civil, even hippies… well not to hippies, but they don’t count. Onto my story… It’s the first day of my second semester at Hippie University and I walk into one of my classes and this gentleman in a wheel chair says “hi” to me. Of course I say hello back, not knowing what I was getting myself into. I was saddened that day as I watched this boy say hello to every person that walked through the door and everybody either gave him a dirty look or pretended he didn’t exist. Everybody wants to have friends, and I decided I was going to be nice and treat him like every other human being. So I started talking to him about class, and about the weather, and that is where the problems began.

Steven Hawking (name has been changed to protect the wheelchair bound, but I SWEAR he talks and even looks like Steven Hawking!) latched onto me like a fat kid onto a buffet line. I can’t get rid of him! It started innocently (and in innocently I mean deceptively). After saying “hi, how are you? Did you get the homework?” in class for about 2 weeks, he asked me if he could have my homework “in case he missed class and needed to copy the notes or get the homework assignments.” (And in Steven Hawking talk, this sentence took about 4 minutes to utter). That’s fair enough. I know how hard it can be to take a class and not know anybody to get homework assignments from, so I obliged. This was my first mistake. 5 hours later he calls me and says “Lil’ B-Cack, you seem like such a cool person, I would like to get to know you better, would you like to go to dinner sometime?” Now I have already been on a date with a midget, I’m sorry you can’t top that, even though it would be SORT of cool to say “I ate dinner with Steven Hawking.” But I do NOT need to have Steven Hawking for a boyfriend so I immediately went into panic mode. “I’m sorry, but I have a boyfriend and it’s really serious. I’m not interested in dating anyone.” Okay, so it was a bold face lie, I don’t have a serious boyfriend because 1) I don’t’ like hippies and that’s all there is at my school, and 2) I don’t want to give B-Cack a brain hemorrhage, and the vein pops out whenever I even MENTION boys. Anyway, so we finish our conversation and I think that is that. But the next morning when I wake up I have a text message on my phone from my iron-sided friend. It says “I just want to be friends; I didn’t mean to scare you off. I don’t have any friends and that’s all I’m looking for. I don’t want you to be my girlfriend.” I was relieved so my conscious made me go out to dinner with him. I mean after all, the guy just sort of sits there; he couldn’t make a move on me….

Dinner (and a movie) turned out to be the longest night in my entire life. There are only so many things that a person can talk about with Steven Hawking, besides black holes and string theory, ( and let it be noted here, that B-Cack was wrong. He swore that he would be a Trekkie, and he in fact “prefers Lord of the Rings” over Star Trek!) and after a 3 hour dinner (yes it took him that long to shovel food into his pie hole) we finally made it to the movie. The movie was fine and I enjoyed myself, but then the real fun began. Steven Hawking likes to smoke. Steven Hawking smokes a lot! Steven Hawking chain smokes like a mofo! Only he can’t hold the cigarette himself. Someone else has to hold it while he puffs away. I can’t describe in all it’s mystic beauty how freaking funny this sight is, but after I got home I had tears in my eyes laughing about it( and yes I know I am going to hell) and re-enacting it does it no justice (believe me I have tried). So apparently hanging out with him one time gave Steven the impression that I wanted to hang out with him every single Friday night from now until Event Horizon. Steven Hawking was wrong. And this is where Lil’ B-Cack starts getting pissed off.

Not only does he want me to hang out with him every week, he also calls me every single night at exactly 9:01 pm and wants to talk on the phone (about nothing really) for at least 45 minutes. Now I am a full time student, and I don’t have time to be wasting on this kid. I have way more important things to be doing (like planning to sabotage hippie protests and shooting guns and what not). But Steven Hawking doesn’t understand this. If I don’t answer the phone at exactly 9:01pm when he calls, he will hang up and call back, hang up and call back, until I answer (leaving messages every time). One night someone called me at 8:54 pm and I proceeded to talk to them. When Steven called, I took his call and said “I’m on the phone and it’s REALLY important, I’ll call you back when I am done” but that wasn’t’ good enough for Steven Hawking. I was on the phone for 37 minutes (after Steven called), and in those 37 minutes Steven called me 32 times and filled my inbox completely full of text messages (50 messages). Now this irritated me to no end. I don’t’ care who you are that is freaking annoying. When I went on spring break I told him I was not going to have cell phone service and not to call me, but he did anyway. 78 times to be exact, in 3 days! With a voicemail that was at least 2 minutes each time. He also gets mad if I do not give him my undivided attention while I am on the phone with him.

He also resorts to public humiliation to make himself feel cool. Steven can control the volume of his computerized voice. He can speak in a normal tone. But does he? Not exactly. He waits until there are a whole bunch of people around at school and will trap me (literally, wheel himself closer to me until I am backed into a wall) and talk to me. Then when enough people have congregated he will yell “WELL I WILL CALL YOU AT NINE TONIGHT LIKE I DO EVERY NIGHT!!!!!” I don’t know what to do.
I know I am being taken advantage by Steven Hawking, and I want it to stop. So here is my question for Dr. Phat Tony and all his loyal readers. How do I tell Steven Hawking to go get fucked without seeming like a complete and total bitch? Can I ever shake him loose, or am I to be plagued forever by his 9:01pm phone calls and endless stalking? Either way, this experience has taught be not to be nice to anyone and just keep my mouth shut. ~~~Lil’ B-Cack Out!