Monday, April 10, 2006

The Legacy of Steven Hawking

This article was submitted by Lil B-Cack. Phat Tony has never dated a wheelchair bound genius.

My whole life, everyone has told me to be nice to others, even if I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling someone the truth. And I have to be honest, if you are going to get anywhere in the world, it’s a true statement. You can’t very well walk around telling your boss he is the biggest most incompetent asshat in the world. So I pretty much try to be nice to people, or at least civil, even hippies… well not to hippies, but they don’t count. Onto my story… It’s the first day of my second semester at Hippie University and I walk into one of my classes and this gentleman in a wheel chair says “hi” to me. Of course I say hello back, not knowing what I was getting myself into. I was saddened that day as I watched this boy say hello to every person that walked through the door and everybody either gave him a dirty look or pretended he didn’t exist. Everybody wants to have friends, and I decided I was going to be nice and treat him like every other human being. So I started talking to him about class, and about the weather, and that is where the problems began.

Steven Hawking (name has been changed to protect the wheelchair bound, but I SWEAR he talks and even looks like Steven Hawking!) latched onto me like a fat kid onto a buffet line. I can’t get rid of him! It started innocently (and in innocently I mean deceptively). After saying “hi, how are you? Did you get the homework?” in class for about 2 weeks, he asked me if he could have my homework “in case he missed class and needed to copy the notes or get the homework assignments.” (And in Steven Hawking talk, this sentence took about 4 minutes to utter). That’s fair enough. I know how hard it can be to take a class and not know anybody to get homework assignments from, so I obliged. This was my first mistake. 5 hours later he calls me and says “Lil’ B-Cack, you seem like such a cool person, I would like to get to know you better, would you like to go to dinner sometime?” Now I have already been on a date with a midget, I’m sorry you can’t top that, even though it would be SORT of cool to say “I ate dinner with Steven Hawking.” But I do NOT need to have Steven Hawking for a boyfriend so I immediately went into panic mode. “I’m sorry, but I have a boyfriend and it’s really serious. I’m not interested in dating anyone.” Okay, so it was a bold face lie, I don’t have a serious boyfriend because 1) I don’t’ like hippies and that’s all there is at my school, and 2) I don’t want to give B-Cack a brain hemorrhage, and the vein pops out whenever I even MENTION boys. Anyway, so we finish our conversation and I think that is that. But the next morning when I wake up I have a text message on my phone from my iron-sided friend. It says “I just want to be friends; I didn’t mean to scare you off. I don’t have any friends and that’s all I’m looking for. I don’t want you to be my girlfriend.” I was relieved so my conscious made me go out to dinner with him. I mean after all, the guy just sort of sits there; he couldn’t make a move on me….

Dinner (and a movie) turned out to be the longest night in my entire life. There are only so many things that a person can talk about with Steven Hawking, besides black holes and string theory, ( and let it be noted here, that B-Cack was wrong. He swore that he would be a Trekkie, and he in fact “prefers Lord of the Rings” over Star Trek!) and after a 3 hour dinner (yes it took him that long to shovel food into his pie hole) we finally made it to the movie. The movie was fine and I enjoyed myself, but then the real fun began. Steven Hawking likes to smoke. Steven Hawking smokes a lot! Steven Hawking chain smokes like a mofo! Only he can’t hold the cigarette himself. Someone else has to hold it while he puffs away. I can’t describe in all it’s mystic beauty how freaking funny this sight is, but after I got home I had tears in my eyes laughing about it( and yes I know I am going to hell) and re-enacting it does it no justice (believe me I have tried). So apparently hanging out with him one time gave Steven the impression that I wanted to hang out with him every single Friday night from now until Event Horizon. Steven Hawking was wrong. And this is where Lil’ B-Cack starts getting pissed off.

Not only does he want me to hang out with him every week, he also calls me every single night at exactly 9:01 pm and wants to talk on the phone (about nothing really) for at least 45 minutes. Now I am a full time student, and I don’t have time to be wasting on this kid. I have way more important things to be doing (like planning to sabotage hippie protests and shooting guns and what not). But Steven Hawking doesn’t understand this. If I don’t answer the phone at exactly 9:01pm when he calls, he will hang up and call back, hang up and call back, until I answer (leaving messages every time). One night someone called me at 8:54 pm and I proceeded to talk to them. When Steven called, I took his call and said “I’m on the phone and it’s REALLY important, I’ll call you back when I am done” but that wasn’t’ good enough for Steven Hawking. I was on the phone for 37 minutes (after Steven called), and in those 37 minutes Steven called me 32 times and filled my inbox completely full of text messages (50 messages). Now this irritated me to no end. I don’t’ care who you are that is freaking annoying. When I went on spring break I told him I was not going to have cell phone service and not to call me, but he did anyway. 78 times to be exact, in 3 days! With a voicemail that was at least 2 minutes each time. He also gets mad if I do not give him my undivided attention while I am on the phone with him.

He also resorts to public humiliation to make himself feel cool. Steven can control the volume of his computerized voice. He can speak in a normal tone. But does he? Not exactly. He waits until there are a whole bunch of people around at school and will trap me (literally, wheel himself closer to me until I am backed into a wall) and talk to me. Then when enough people have congregated he will yell “WELL I WILL CALL YOU AT NINE TONIGHT LIKE I DO EVERY NIGHT!!!!!” I don’t know what to do.
I know I am being taken advantage by Steven Hawking, and I want it to stop. So here is my question for Dr. Phat Tony and all his loyal readers. How do I tell Steven Hawking to go get fucked without seeming like a complete and total bitch? Can I ever shake him loose, or am I to be plagued forever by his 9:01pm phone calls and endless stalking? Either way, this experience has taught be not to be nice to anyone and just keep my mouth shut. ~~~Lil’ B-Cack Out!

25 Comments:

At 9:37 AM, Blogger Peakah said...

I'd imagine that he'd be as afraid of water as the wicked witch of the west with all the electronics and all...

Perhaps an accidental sprinkler system test would zap him back to humble-ville...

 
At 9:40 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Answer him using a speak and spell.

How do you get yourself into these things? Maybe you should just have a guy, claiming he's your boyfriend, call him and tell him to lay off you.

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger Ssssteve said...

Why can't you get B'Cack to talk to him. I'm sure that would make him crap his pants!! It would me!!

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

...or make him crap his bag.

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger PoP said...

Just listen to old nearly blind Pop. just give him www.drphattonys.blogspot.com and have him read this post. He may wake up and see the stalker in himself. he may also see why he has such a hard time making and keeping friends. If not just let me know where he is. I'll come and personaly have a little talk with him. I can be pretty perswasive at times.

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger Anna said...

You were being nice, but he has abused that. What would you do if it were someone who was not in a wheelchair? The best thing you could do would be to treat the guy the same way you would anyone else harrassing you this way.

 
At 5:39 PM, Anonymous Steven Hawking said...

You guys can all fall down a black hole and kiss my ass. I have nothing to live for. I am going to drive my chair over the grand canyon

 
At 6:21 PM, Blogger fmragtops said...

I think I agree with Anna. He wants to be like everyone else? Treat him like everyone else.

 
At 6:43 PM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

...I think I found the prefect woman...
lmao.


If his wheelchair ties are air filled, just pop them and leave.

 
At 7:38 PM, Blogger The Anti-Hippie said...

Weld his chair so the wheels won't turn. That'll stop him in his tracks.

 
At 9:18 PM, Anonymous b-cack said...

Big brother says that a cocked and locked .45 works wonders... now Tyler D. you better check yourself too, that IS my baby sister you are talking about! P.S. sis, note that Junior is at full impulse right now! B-Cack

 
At 10:31 PM, Anonymous Lil' B-Cack said...

Hi All! Thank you for your suggestions, they are really great.I don't know which plan of action I am going to take. The gun will be too messy, I dont' know how to weld things,his wheels are not air inflated (I dont' think) and somehow, I think God would punish me immensly for telling a cripple to go f**k themselves side saddle.But I may come up with a combo if things get really bad. DPT, I dont' know how I get myself into these kinds of things... Big Brother, take deep breaths, you don't want to hemorrhage, I'm sure Tyler didnt' mean anything by it. Anyhoo, I will keep you all updated. I gotta go, midget wrestling is on...

 
At 10:32 PM, Anonymous Lil" B-Cack said...

and I almost forgot, I can't get rid of him just yet, because I still haven't put the "FLY ARMY" bumper sticker on the back of his chair.....(B-Cack knows what I"m talking bout)

 
At 6:23 AM, Anonymous b-cack said...

Either that one or the one that says "Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life forms down here"

 
At 6:34 AM, Blogger fmragtops said...

Well you don't have to actually shoot him...yet. I would imagine just a discussion with your "little friend" could dissuade him.

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Tell him you know a well-armed union thug...

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Hey, what do you call a UAW member in a suit?






Defendant.

O.k. so it works better using Teamster but you get the point.

 
At 3:52 AM, Blogger Patriot Xeno said...

Change your cell phone number, and then if he asks, say you decided to get rid of your phone, since cell phones are a cancerous tool of the oppressive white man and his fascist government machine. It'll fly, since there are so many dirty hippiies there.

 
At 3:53 AM, Blogger Patriot Xeno said...

Also, you can get back at him by using the loud talking against him. When your class is gathered around, loudly break it off with him, saying "I hung out with you one time to be nice since you're in a wheelchair, but no where did I sign up to receive 50+ messages a night from you. They call those people stalkers, and have Charles Bronson kill them."

 
At 3:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pop sounds like he has the best idea. Is there a caretaker? There's no need to be mean. Try to put yourself in his position. I hope this isn't a twisted joke.

 
At 5:34 PM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Chuck Bronson rules.

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

you shall have no more problems from hawking, i have him locked up in my basement, and have his ransom offer video posted on my blog. no thanks is required but i will accept cash as your way of saying thanks. (WARNING:NEOCONS SHOULD SKIP OVER THE TOP POST! IT MAY CREATE BOWEL DIFFICULTIES FOR YOU.)

 
At 3:07 PM, Anonymous lil' b-cack said...

I'll pay you money to keep him and not let him use a telephone...

 
At 1:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this websites fucked

 
At 2:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This website is REALLY fucked

 

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