Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Taser Fun

I was told this story by a friend a few months ago and now it ended up in my inbox. It's a great story so enjoy. (No, this is not me.)

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop in Huntsville that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION !!!!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-. . . . .!!!!! That hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Of course I got scooped by the guy who told me the story.
Sorry Cove Rebel.


At 10:39 AM, Blogger NOTR said...

Ummm... how much is Larry's selling em' for? Are they legal to carry w/o a permit and on RSA too?

Thanks for the reminder of how not to see if the damn thing works ... taking one for the gipper - LOL!

At 10:48 AM, Anonymous fmragtops said...

I've read that somewhere before, and it's still freaking hilarious. There is nothing quite as amusing as watching someone undergo the effects of being hit with a Taser. I wish we would have had them when I was working for the SO...Then again, maybe I don't. Cops love practical jokes, and our pepper spray was always good for hours of entertainment.

At 10:51 AM, Blogger Cove Rebel said...

Post thief! HA!

At 10:53 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Sorry I forgot all about it and it was just emailed to me.

At 11:09 AM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

My sister has a pen that takes a single 1.5v AAA. It will make you hand and forearm numb.

I did a taser search. lol.

They are legal to carry in Alabama without a permit. But if guards at RSA everfind it, you wont be getting that back.

At 11:20 AM, Blogger Cove Rebel said... do push-ups! HA!

At 11:50 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Oh Captain, my Captain...

At 1:41 PM, Blogger a4g said...

I once pointed a flashlight into my eye and turned it on. It made me blink.

Guess that's not quite as funny, is it?

At 2:22 PM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Was it an LED flashlight?

At 5:05 PM, Blogger a4g said...

It was the Faraday Flashlight(TM). Unfortunately, I had to keep shaking the thing, and after a few minutes, my face was reduced to a bloody pulp.

Luckily, after about an hour my wife told me to quit fooling around and clean the garage, or I might still be trying to prove to the Evil Emperor that a flashlight can't make you blind like the sun can.

At 10:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, you bought a stun-gun, not a Taser.

Big difference!

Tasers are even worse...

At 1:15 AM, Blogger DEANBERRY said...

The Second Amendment means nothing outside of hunting.

Our forefathers gave us that right to fend off a military takeover in the U.S. - by either the left or the right.

Apparently, since most gun owners are far right they didn't see fit to fight the far right takeover so here we are. On the verge of martial law.

You'll imitate your German counterparts of 70 years ago. You'll allow them to take away any weapon that gives you parity with the military. You know you barely made a peep when the Brady Bill took away your assault rifles, which is what you'll need to effectively combat troops.

What a bunch of cowards, and what a sore disgrace you are to our forefathers who gave their blood for the likes of you.

In Jesus' Glorious and Holy name,
Dean Berry -- Real American

At 6:10 AM, Blogger Dr. Phat Tony said...

Heh, self promoting spam that has nothing to do with my post.

Dean, you a funny guy.

At 6:44 AM, Anonymous fmragtops said...

That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

At 2:55 PM, Anonymous SeanS said...

Sorry Doc, but I liked Cove Rebel's version better. The story is better when it's a dog instead of a cat. Makes it more authentically red-neck.

At 8:22 AM, Blogger PoP said...

If you don't start posting something, anything, I will. you don't want me telling about your addiction to sissy coffee. or the many other things I can write about

At 8:27 PM, Blogger spacemonkey said...

sissy coffee?

What? decaf? or That International crap?

At 11:07 AM, Blogger Andy said...

I like the cat version better, because it would be much more tempting to test it on the cat.

Also, the way it was worded was a little bit funnier, it just flowed slightly smoother

At 3:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

what is the worlds fastest runner?

a bum with a carls junior voucher


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