Friday, May 26, 2006

Understanding a PETArd

I want to thank the people at PETA-Sucks for inspiring this post. They spend a lot of time looking at the hypocrisy of PETA and pointing out the inconsistencies of the leadership of PETA. This is fine; but I actually hold no animosity towards the leadership of PETA. I believe in capitalism, and what the leadership of PETA has done is take something completely ridiculous and package it in order to make money. I completely support parting money from the ignorant and gullible. I’m doing it myself with my Save Jill project (by the way she hasn’t raised enough money and time is running out). What I don’t understand is how so many people can fall for the line that PETA is giving them.

PETA’s mission statement states “…PETA is dedicated to establishing and protecting the rights of all animals.” How could anyone support such and bland statement such as that? What rights are they talking about? The right to vote? For the sake of argument, I’ll assume they want animals to be treated as equals to humans. I’m pretty sure this is what the average PETA supporter is after. I don’t believe for a second that this is what PETA is after. PETA is after the cash and knows that establishing rights for animals will never happen. The PETA supporter on the other hand, probably believes this whole heartedly.

I think there are a few reasons why animal lovers would support this.

1. People that have had nothing to overcome often look for an impossible cause to champion. I see this with the rich over privileged. They were born into there money and have had to do little to be as wealthy as they are. They feel guilty about being rich but don’t want to actually work. Instead of risking failure at doing something, they choose to be a part of a hopeless cause to find self worth. Since no one actually expects them to achieve what they are working for any small victory is viewed as a great accomplishment and any failure will be chocked up to the ignorance of everyone else. Some grow out of it; others just start a charity for some other hopeless cause.

2. People that love animals to the point where they project their feelings and attributes on animals. There are people that love the companionship of animals so much they start seeing human attributes in animals. This fallacy is probably caused by loneliness and poor self image. They feel that when a dog licks their face, the dog is giving them kisses. They think because their cat likes to be petted that it actually cares as much about them as the person does about the cat. The think because a young animals stays close to its mother that the animal feels love. Animals feel none of these things. Those feelings are human emotions and it doesn’t matter how much you want you pet to love you it is not going to happen. Animals are simple creatures whose whole lives are centered around simple needs. Animals don’t feel accomplishment. They don’t feel love. Their intelligence is based off how much their behavior can be controlled by humans and their problem solving skills. Problem solving skills have to have a goal that relates to food, water or sex (pleasure). Animals will not learn anything unless one of these goals will be realized after the test is completed. For people, there are so many different reasons to learn and perform that cataloging them would be futile (for all you neo-Freud fruit cakes that attribute all behavior for the need to procreate, just pretend I’m writing this to get laid.).

3. Boys go where gullible girls are so they can get laid. Quite simple really. If there are girls that will believe the line that PETA gives them; then they will probably fall for the line that guys give them to get into their pants.

4. There are people that don’t know what cruelty is. PETA member are up in arms about the way chickens are being treated. You can see them protesting at a local KFC. Of course you won’t see them at the local grocery store where they boil lobsters live, but that’s because the pictures of that aren’t that gruesome. It’s strange that a person will put the time and effort into protesting a KFC but don’t give a rat’s ass that terrorists are beheading people, raping children, and mutilating non-believers. As long as those terrorists aren’t using animals to help they’re o.k. with this. Cruelty is a subjective term and shouldn’t be used when speaking of animals. Is my electric fence cruel? I put it up so my dog wouldn’t clime the fence and get hit by a car. I think forcing animal that is carnivorous to eat vegetables is cruel.

5. Last, there are people that are so crazy (I didn’t want to use this word but I call as I see them) that they equate human life to animal life. They can not distinguish the importance of a person over a cow or chicken. These people are probably the most dangerous. They care more about animal life then they do about human life. They have done a role reversal where they are willing to risk human life but not animals. I would donate five dollars to PETA if these people would off themselves.

Look I could argue that giving rights to animals is the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard (would I be arrested for mass murder if I killed 100 bugs on the drive home?), but it’s transparent to anyone with just a small amount of sense. It’s not PETA that needs the mental help. They’ve collected millions of dollars and have nothing to show for it. That’s the kind of business I want. We need to help the people that are giving money to PETA. These are the people that need psychological help. Trying to persuade them will be impossible. You might need to get them on medication, or you can treat them like animals until they get it.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Readers Choice

I'm giving readers the choice of what I post today. There are three options. I can post a Phat History Lesson, a inspired rant about PETA, or have a Q&A. It's up to you guys to decide. Leave your decision in the comments.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Steven Hawking Update

You might remember Lil’ B-Cack telling us her problem about her wheel chair bound Casanova. Well, she’s updating us on Stephen Hawking’s romantic pursuits.

Well, I am a nice person but there is only so much I can take. I took all of your advice to heart and tried to employ it. I tried to lose him in crowds, but he just hits his horn and people move out of the way. I tried to walk in fields that had the sprinklers on in the hopes it would short something out on his chair, but apparently his chair is amphibious. I even took my brother’s advice about the .45. STEVEN HAWKING IS INDESTRUCTABLE!!!!! And he is an asshole too. One night he kept asking questions about my “boyfriend” and I made up a name, story, etc, but then he got this weird tone in his voice and kept asking how much I had done with him and how far I had gone with him. I DO NOT want a wheel bound sicko whacking his weasel on the phone with me, and since his hands are all messed up, you know his mother has to help him. Then one night he told me “when I get married I want someone that is caring and loving, but who is also hot and has a nice rack.” I thought it was funny he said that so I said “oh yeah? What’s a nice rack?” and the asshat says “NICER THAN YOURS!!!!” I could not believe that! I was so shocked that he said that I didn’t know what to do. About a week later I didn’t want to talk to him when he called (it was a weekend so it was at exactly 5:30 pm) so I told him I had to run because I was going to the gym to work out. The standard answer would be “oh, okay, talk to you later” but oh no, Steven says “yeah you should go to the gym. It wouldn’t kill you to lose a few pounds!” Now I’m not a heifer or anything ( I weigh 127 pounds, and that is in actual pounds, not girl pounds which are about 5 less than what they really are) so that was the last straw. I told him his only hope is with a girl name Helen Keller. But did that give him the hint? HELL NO. It just made him call more. And he got more demanding. Calling at 5 in the morning, repeatedly of course…. Whenever he thought he could get a hold of my soul and rip it to shreds… I mean, talk to me.

B-Cack, cover your eyes, and skip to the next paragraph….

I went to have a cup of coffee with a male friend of mine (who turned out to be a jerk) and after about 7 calls I got really annoyed. I had it on vibrate but still, so I answered the 8th time, said “I am having a cup of coffee I will call you when I’m done” and hung up. Well right before I did, my guy friend said “bye iron side” and Steven heard him. So after I hung up on him, Steven just called back. I turned my phone off, but 30 minutes later on my way home, he had called 28 times, and was calling when I turned my phone on. All of the messages said something like this (or exactly this because he repeats himself nonstop) “I can’t believe you are cheating on your boyfriend. That is awful. You will give him diseases. If you aren’t going to be faithful to him, you need to break up with him. I can’t believe you are like that. How hard is it now to cheat on someone?” Now, Steven admitted he has never had a relationship with a woman, hasn’t even kissed a woman, and he is telling me what I need to do in my life, with my made up boyfriend? Homie don’t play that game!
But Steven didn’t’ stop there. I got roped into going to a movie with him (again) but I was determined NOT to go eat with him because frankly I don’t’ have the time of day. So I devised a spectacular plan that will come in later. So we were waiting in line to buy our tickets, and a friend of mine from my English comp. Class came over to say hi (he is male, and he has a girlfriend) to me, and he gave me a friendly (don’t’ spaz out B-Cack) hug. I introduced him to Steven, we chatted for a moment, and Steven didn’t’ say anything off color… BUT as soon as my friend and his little brother went into their theater, Steven says “SO ARE YOU BANGING HIM TOO?” my reaction “WTF OVER?!?”

So now Lil’ B-Cack is PISSED! I told him that my adult life (ha!) was none of his business and I could do whatever I wanted and I didn’t need to consult him, and I took sex ed, so I know about diseases and am fully capable of taking precautions on my own, so I don’t’ need someone in a wheel chair to tell me all about it. And then I let it drop.

Two days later, I am shopping at Wally World, buying some basics, Shampoo and mousse to keep the mullet stylin,’ some ammo, midget quarterly magazine, you know, the staples. Silly me, I forgot it was 9:00pm so I got THE call. And I hate being that idiot in the store yapping on the cell phone, so I said “I’m shopping, I will call you back when I’m done.” He asks me “how long?” I said “I don’t know, 20 minutes.” he says “okay, I’ll call you in 20 minutes”. I just hang up because I don’t’ want to be on the phone for the next 20 minutes telling him not to call me in 20 minutes. So I finish my shopping and in EXACTLY 20 minutes he calls me back. He asked me what I got at the store. I told him “oh just some stuff.” He asks me what kind of stuff. I told him just some toiletries. He asks me what kind of toiletries. At this point I am ready to reach through the phone and end his life. I say “you want to know? You REALLY want to know? If you absolutely MUST know, I got some shampoo, a 40 pack of rubbers, some KY Jelly, and a double pack of pregnancy test in case the 40 pack doesn’t work. Boy I sure hope the 40 pack can get me through the weekend. I need to pace myself.“ And I should have known that somebody can’t pick up on sarcasm!

So at this point, school is stressing me out, and frankly I just can’t stand him anymore. I tried to be frank with him, I tried to be a bitch to him (which I’m good at) and he STILL won’t let go. So I lied to him. I had to. I told him that I was moving up to the mountains (where my aunt and uncle have a ranch) to give trail rides for the summer. When I told him, he went into a Hawking’s rage. He kept saying how all his friends leave him (I wonder why), and he tried to lay a guilt trip on me saying how when he isn’t around people or talking to them he gets depressed. I’m sorry Steven, cry me a freakin’ river. I get depressed when someone I don’t’ even like calls me too many freaking times, bugs me senseless, tries to tell me what I need to do in life, insinuates that I have a fat ass and tiny boobs, and then tells me I’m a regular old street whore. I have had enough. Then after I told him I was leaving, he started trying to dig the claws in harder. He wanted the phone number up there, the address up there, my aunt and uncle’s address and phone number, and my home address. I THINK NOT! He did not get any of those. And then he said “well I will just try to call you in case you get a signal up there.” I told him my mom had my phone for the summer. And you know what? It worked!!!!! I have been Steven Hawking free for 11 days and I LOVE IT! I feel like I have control of my life again! Except that I keep having nightmares that I run into him and he will catch me. I kid you not, I had a dream that I took my car to get the oil changed and he was there getting his tires rotated, and I tried to run away from him and he caught me and was asking why I was back….. Anyway, I am free and SO SO SO happy about it. Thank you for the suggestions, and I will keep you updated on how long before he tries to call.

Lil' B-Cack

Friday, May 19, 2006

What Took Me so Long

I know I have been a shameful blogger lately. I’ve been swamped at work and then even in my off time I’ve been busy to the point where it didn’t make any sense. Even tonight I ended up going back to work and came close to not making my self imposed deadline.

So what’s been happening? Well besides the big project at work, Phat Tony now belongs to a two car family. Me and my better half bought a car on Monday. If you ever want to see the difference in the way men and women think; take the other to go shopping for cars. I’ll give examples.

Mrs. DPT: I like this one, it looks cool.

DPT: Well, it does get 31 mpg.

Mrs. DPT: It’s got a 6 disk changer in it.

DPT: All wheel drive isn’t bad.

Mrs. DPT: I like the color.

DPT: 2.3 liter; that’s plenty to get you to work and back.

Mrs. DPT: What are these lights on the bumper?

DPT: Cool, fog lights.

We didn’t buy American (sorry CUG). We ended up buying a Suzuki Aerio SX. My wife is extremely happy and I’m glad that we don’t have to share a ride anymore. I know my wife would never forgive me if I didn’t post a picture of her pretty car so here it is.


I will write something today. This post is not the only thing I will write today.

That is all....for now.

Update: This is not a test; it's more of a tease. I have a post. I will give you a definate time the post will posted at 1400 central. That is all...for now.

Update: I'm going to be posting an original post and not generic updates about posting a post at 1900 central time.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

It’s A Small World

I love when friends help me out in my time of need. Since I haven’t found time to write anything Lil’ B-Cack has sent me an informative column on midgets.

Hey Phat Tony, sorry it took me so long to send this to you. I went out of town and murdered some prairie dogs this weekend ( I have pictures if you would like to see them....) And I start my job working with retards tomorrow ( well I have to go to a two week retard-self-defense class so I know what to do when they start a revolution). I'm sure I will have some GREAT stories about tards once I start. Anyhoo... here is the midget paper, tell me what you think....

An Informative Report on Our Short Statured Friends
By: Lil’ B-Cack-- so I wrote this in my high school bio class, and after 5 years I still don't understand why I got a bad grade on it.....

Dwarfism is defined as an individual who has an adult height of four feet ten inches or less in both men and women due to a genetic condition. There are over two hundred types of dwarfism, such as Achrondoplasia (standard oompa loompa-ism), Psuedoachrondoplasia Rhizomelic Chrondoplasia, Punctata, and several types that haven’t even been named (super-duper midgi-titis if you will….). For many, midgets are a complete mystery, and much research is going on all over the world to unravel the mystery known as dwarfism.

Achrondoplasia is estimated to be the diagnosis for over half the cases of dwarfism around the world, and is by far the most common type. Since achrondoplasia is the most common type of dwarfism, these are the midgets most often seen in movies, sideshows, etc. Achrondoplasia occurs in about one out of every twenty six thousand to forty thousand births. The characteristics of achrondoplasia are apparent at birth and include short arms and legs, an enlarged head, a prominent forehead, a short, flat nose, and mad dancing and candy making skills. Children with achrondoplasia mentally develop normally, but their physical development is delayed. Because of this teenage midget boys are the most likely to be stuffing their pants with gym socks to try and score some poon-tang.

Many bone complications can arise in people, especially children, with achrondoplasia. A midget-child may have straight legs at birth, but may begin to bow when they begin to walk. These are the midgets that walk like they were just contestants on the oh so popular Mexican “donkey show.” Infants with achrondoplasia need good support on their spines as well to prevent curvature of the spine and a hump in their back.

The gene for achrondoplasia has been found within the last eight years. Surprisingly enough, dwarfism does not come from drinking too many brewskies and smoking too much crystal meth, it comes from the Fibroblast Growth Receptor 3, or the FGFR3, gene. Scientists believe that this gene gets mutated when both parents are of average height, but it is still unknown whether this gene becomes dominant when two wee sized parents get it on like monkeys. A little person with achrondoplasia has a 75% chance of having another little midget, but 75% of midgets with achrondoplasia are born to average sized parents. Talk about luck of the draw.

Another common type of dwarfism that occurs in one out of every one hundred ten thousand births is diastrophic dysphasia. Until the early 1960’s, patients with diastrophic dysphasia were considered to have achrondoplasia with clubfeet. Not a result of mating with a sheep or other type of clubfooted livestock, some common characteristics are a hitchhiker’s thumb and swollen ears (which disappear after the first few months after birth). These are the troll looking type of midgets that have often been portrayed in Fairy Tales. They often have mullets and anger management issues because of all the health problems associated with their midgetness. Joints can be dislocated easily, and scoliosis is very common with DD midgets (not designated driver midgets…)

A rare type of dwarfism, psuedoachrondoplasia, is similar to achrondoplasia but is caused from a different gene mutation. Basically, individuals with psuedoachrondoplasia are trying to pass as midgets in order to get the perks of the short statured (cheap prices at buffets, free lap dances, you name it). Most children are not even diagnosed until 5 or 6 years old because the head, arms, and legs are more proportionate that other types of dwarfism.

Most little people embrace their midgetness, but some party poopers decide they want to be “normal” and don’t have the stamina to wear stilts their entire life, so limb lengthening surgery has become all the rage in the midget community (basically like lower back tattoos for midgets). By breaking the bones in the arms and legs, and then stretching them over a period of 2 to 4 years, up to a foot can be gained. There are many risks involved, however, which many feel do not outweigh the benefits. Bones twisting and turning once broken, nerve damage, and paralysis are common side effects associated with limb lengthening surgery. The risk of infection at the surgery site is also very common, and a puss filled limbs are in no way sexy. And let’s face it, after surgery there is no way you will be able to make it in show business as an oompa loompa.

Whether a person has achrondoplasia, diastrophic dysphasia, or any other type of dwarfism, it is important to remember that they are still people, even if they are little, and they deserve just as much respect as an average sized person. I feel that dwarfism should not be considered a mistake or a “defect” but a miracle of some sorts, and a good form of entertainment. Look at all the accomplishments within the midget community. Would Keebler have sold a single cookie if it wasn’t for his sweatshop full of midgets? No! Would Dorothy ever have made it to Oz if it weren’t for the munchkins? Hell no! And what would the world be like without midget wrestling? I’d be lost! So the world should celebrate the wonders of the midget, because everyone knows the best things come in small packages.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Carnival of Kennedys Comedy

Welcome all to the Carnival of Kennedy Comedy. I'm your host, faux doctor, and comedic know-nothing Phat Tony. I toiled over this comedy since dinner looking for an adequate theme for the Carnival. What I found out is: When in doubt make a Kennedy Joke.

The Kennedy Comedy that slays people.

Ef Em Ragtops throws his hat in the ring to be our next Kennedy elected official. Linking to host always moves you up in categories.
Right Hand of god decides to have a caption contest without any actual contest. Citizen Grim declared winner.
Tynan spins a tail of pools and penguins. He also reminded me that I need to try this.
Kehaar shows off his cat like reflexes at a baseball game.
Buckley F Williams has found the answer to our illegal immigrant problem.
Peace Moonbeam scared a drop out of me. What a horrible story.
Kriss Mallory had to make a hard choice; a choice between internet connection and life.

The Kennedy Comedy that slays themselves.

Tommy presents an interview that should clear up the difference between crime and corruption.
Either Orr loves to modernize songs. Take a look at his version of dirty laundry.
Vox Poplar has Stephen Colbert and his explanation of what happened at the correspondence dinner.
The Moxargon Group has their own thoughts on who should head the CIA.
Danny submitted this pretty funny video clip of Deaf Karaoke.
The Cranky Insomniac points out the obvious psychosis with Bloomberg.

The Kennedy Comedy that says we're not laughing with you; just at you.

Redneck Rants Unveils his new idea for a theme park... Jihad Disney.
Miriam compares and contrasts religious ceremonies.
The Daily Fisk fisks someone about spamming. I'm not quite sure who Kawasaki Guy is; but he's been fisked.
Passionate America explains the nuances of redneck engineering.
Viral Video Blog submits...what else a video. Why play video games when you can watch people act them out.
Radioactive Liberty is advertising a new film for Zarqawi.
Jerry Dante is giving sound advice for comics.
Neal submitted a pretty nice poem. I didn't even know there was such a thing as ibikers.
Directionzero submitted a short film of a mustache. I'm not sure where to put it since it didn't load for me.
Jack Cluth spends some time ranting about Michelle, conservatives, and people that don't speak Spanish.

Next weeks Carnival is at Ef Em Ragtops

Make sure you go to IMAO You can also check out their fabled Podcast. To enter next weeks Carnival of Comedy go Here or Here.

Carnival of Comedy Coming Soon

The Carnival of Comedy will be hosted here today. I wanted to remind everyone since there was NO reminder at IMAO by Spacemonkey. I'll have it posted late afternoon. I plan to eat dinner before working on it. Check back often.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Illegal Stats

First let me say that this was forwarded to me. Next let me say I did not check them out personally; I just don't have time. All of them sound plausible though.


1. 40% of all workers in L.A. County (L.A. County has 10 million people) are working for cash and not paying taxes. This was because they are predominantly illegal immigrants, working without a green card.

2. 95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens.

3. 75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles are illegal aliens.

4. Over 2/3's of all births in Los Angeles County are to illegal alien Mexicans on Medi-Cal whose births were paid for by taxpayers.

5. Nearly 25% of all inmates in California detention centers are Mexican nationals here illegally.

6. Over 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages.

7. The FBI reports half of all g ang members in Los Angeles are most likely illegal aliens from south of the border.

8. Nearly 60% of all occupants of HUD properties are illegal.

9. 21 radio stations in L.A. are Spanish speaking.

10. In L.A.County 5.1 million people speak English. 3.9 million speak Spanish (10.2 million people in L.A.County).

(All 10 from the Los Angeles Times)

Less than 2% of illegal aliens are picking our crops but 29% are on welfare. I checked this one out, couldn't find this particular stat or the 70 billion dollars listed below. They have a guess of 11 billion to 22 billion listed now, but that seems to be from both legal and illegal immigration.

Over 70% of the United States annual population growth (and over 90% of California, Florida, and New York) results from immigration.

The cost of immigration to the American taxpayer in 1997 was a NET (after subtracting taxes immigrants pay) $70 BILLION a year, [Professor Donald Huddle, Rice University].

The lifetime fiscal impact (taxes paid minus services used) for the average adult Mexican immigrant is a NEGATIVE

29% of inmates in federal prisons are illegal aliens.

Monday, May 08, 2006


I know I haven’t posted in a while, but it was because of a personal crisis that I wasn’t even aware of. What can I say; denial was so powerful that I couldn’t even tell I had a problem. It wasn’t till I was sat down by my friends and family that I could look at my addiction and tell it was a problem. I think that writing this post will help me come to grips with this powerful addiction and overcome it. I will do my best to transcribe the events that happened that fateful afternoon when I came home after work to find my living room filled with people that care about me. God bless them all.

DPT: What’s going on? If there was a party and I wasn’t invited, I’m going to be pissed.

Pop: Son we need to have a talk with you about a problem that is real apparent to all of us.

DPT: Look, I only tried them on once as a joke. It was funny. Mrs. DPT laughed. I was just trying to lighten the mood.

Mrs. DPT: (shakes head) Not that stupid.

DPT: What the hell are you guys talking about then?

Pop: We’re talking about the addiction you have.

DPT: What addiction?

Pop: We’ve all noticed that you are addicted to sissy coffee.

DPT: Huh!? You mean the gourmet creamers I use in my morning coffee?

Pop: Yes. Men don’t use those foofoo creamers in their coffee son. I think you have a serious problem. We’re all here to let you know that you can depend on us to support you during your rehab.

DPT: So what if I like the taste of amoretto in my coffee, or the taste of fat free hazel nut. French vanilla coffee mate taste great. It’s not hurting anyone. It’s not affecting my work.

Mrs. DPT: It would be different if it was just once in a while, but it’s everyday and I’m beginning to wonder about you. If it was just a little bit of milk and sugar that would be one thing, but these gourmet creamers are making you look like a pansy.

DPT: I can’t believe this…

I’ll stop there with the transcript. Needless to say the rest of the conversation was filled with emotions that just shouldn’t be shared out of my closest circle of friends and family. I have turned over a new leaf though. I’m slowly working on removing the gourmet creamers out of my daily coffee. I’m so ashamed.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


Catchy title huh? Anywho, I’ve been extremely busy doing a job that illegal aliens won’t do. I haven’t really had a chance to sit down and write anything of substance, or any of my regular post. I’m sure all of you have missed my mindless banter and if you haven’t, don’t tell me because my ego is fragile. Lot’s of good things have been going on. Jill is still alive and well, for the time being anyhow. No second car or motorcycle as of yet. I’m still not a millionaire but I have lots of good ideas about how to get other people’s money that I haven’t implemented yet. I have exceeded the 50k hit milestone. I would like to thank all my readers for refreshing often. I should find some time to write something tomorrow but I’ve found another project that will take up a lot of my time.

Come back soon and be sure to visit the sponsors and buy my swag, or just continue do to do what you’ve done in the past and ignore them.