Wednesday, May 17, 2006

It’s A Small World

I love when friends help me out in my time of need. Since I haven’t found time to write anything Lil’ B-Cack has sent me an informative column on midgets.

Hey Phat Tony, sorry it took me so long to send this to you. I went out of town and murdered some prairie dogs this weekend ( I have pictures if you would like to see them....) And I start my job working with retards tomorrow ( well I have to go to a two week retard-self-defense class so I know what to do when they start a revolution). I'm sure I will have some GREAT stories about tards once I start. Anyhoo... here is the midget paper, tell me what you think....

An Informative Report on Our Short Statured Friends
By: Lil’ B-Cack-- so I wrote this in my high school bio class, and after 5 years I still don't understand why I got a bad grade on it.....

Dwarfism is defined as an individual who has an adult height of four feet ten inches or less in both men and women due to a genetic condition. There are over two hundred types of dwarfism, such as Achrondoplasia (standard oompa loompa-ism), Psuedoachrondoplasia Rhizomelic Chrondoplasia, Punctata, and several types that haven’t even been named (super-duper midgi-titis if you will….). For many, midgets are a complete mystery, and much research is going on all over the world to unravel the mystery known as dwarfism.

Achrondoplasia is estimated to be the diagnosis for over half the cases of dwarfism around the world, and is by far the most common type. Since achrondoplasia is the most common type of dwarfism, these are the midgets most often seen in movies, sideshows, etc. Achrondoplasia occurs in about one out of every twenty six thousand to forty thousand births. The characteristics of achrondoplasia are apparent at birth and include short arms and legs, an enlarged head, a prominent forehead, a short, flat nose, and mad dancing and candy making skills. Children with achrondoplasia mentally develop normally, but their physical development is delayed. Because of this teenage midget boys are the most likely to be stuffing their pants with gym socks to try and score some poon-tang.

Many bone complications can arise in people, especially children, with achrondoplasia. A midget-child may have straight legs at birth, but may begin to bow when they begin to walk. These are the midgets that walk like they were just contestants on the oh so popular Mexican “donkey show.” Infants with achrondoplasia need good support on their spines as well to prevent curvature of the spine and a hump in their back.

The gene for achrondoplasia has been found within the last eight years. Surprisingly enough, dwarfism does not come from drinking too many brewskies and smoking too much crystal meth, it comes from the Fibroblast Growth Receptor 3, or the FGFR3, gene. Scientists believe that this gene gets mutated when both parents are of average height, but it is still unknown whether this gene becomes dominant when two wee sized parents get it on like monkeys. A little person with achrondoplasia has a 75% chance of having another little midget, but 75% of midgets with achrondoplasia are born to average sized parents. Talk about luck of the draw.

Another common type of dwarfism that occurs in one out of every one hundred ten thousand births is diastrophic dysphasia. Until the early 1960’s, patients with diastrophic dysphasia were considered to have achrondoplasia with clubfeet. Not a result of mating with a sheep or other type of clubfooted livestock, some common characteristics are a hitchhiker’s thumb and swollen ears (which disappear after the first few months after birth). These are the troll looking type of midgets that have often been portrayed in Fairy Tales. They often have mullets and anger management issues because of all the health problems associated with their midgetness. Joints can be dislocated easily, and scoliosis is very common with DD midgets (not designated driver midgets…)

A rare type of dwarfism, psuedoachrondoplasia, is similar to achrondoplasia but is caused from a different gene mutation. Basically, individuals with psuedoachrondoplasia are trying to pass as midgets in order to get the perks of the short statured (cheap prices at buffets, free lap dances, you name it). Most children are not even diagnosed until 5 or 6 years old because the head, arms, and legs are more proportionate that other types of dwarfism.

Most little people embrace their midgetness, but some party poopers decide they want to be “normal” and don’t have the stamina to wear stilts their entire life, so limb lengthening surgery has become all the rage in the midget community (basically like lower back tattoos for midgets). By breaking the bones in the arms and legs, and then stretching them over a period of 2 to 4 years, up to a foot can be gained. There are many risks involved, however, which many feel do not outweigh the benefits. Bones twisting and turning once broken, nerve damage, and paralysis are common side effects associated with limb lengthening surgery. The risk of infection at the surgery site is also very common, and a puss filled limbs are in no way sexy. And let’s face it, after surgery there is no way you will be able to make it in show business as an oompa loompa.

Whether a person has achrondoplasia, diastrophic dysphasia, or any other type of dwarfism, it is important to remember that they are still people, even if they are little, and they deserve just as much respect as an average sized person. I feel that dwarfism should not be considered a mistake or a “defect” but a miracle of some sorts, and a good form of entertainment. Look at all the accomplishments within the midget community. Would Keebler have sold a single cookie if it wasn’t for his sweatshop full of midgets? No! Would Dorothy ever have made it to Oz if it weren’t for the munchkins? Hell no! And what would the world be like without midget wrestling? I’d be lost! So the world should celebrate the wonders of the midget, because everyone knows the best things come in small packages.

14 Comments:

At 6:08 AM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

FIRST!!!

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Wow.
I have be enlightened...a little.

Heh.

 
At 7:04 AM, Anonymous fmragtops said...

That was great paper, 'lil B-Cack. I know why you got a bad grade. You had a hate-filled lefty teacher that likes to suppress the idividual accomplishments of minorities in an effort to create dependance on the government through social programs thereby creating a permanent voting base for the democratic party.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger PoP said...

I have noticed a lot of the illegal aliens are rather short. Is this the voter base you are refering to, FM? Great write up Lil. no wonder my son lets you have time. He edits my writing to the point fo nonrecognision when i send him anything.

 
At 11:31 AM, Anonymous fmragtops said...

Actually, Pop, I was referring to the Oompa Loompa voting base, but the same principle applies to the illegal immigrants, black folks, and homosexuals, among others.

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger PoP said...

Oh! isn't Oompa Loompa some where near Lichtenstien?

 
At 4:04 PM, Blogger Insolublog said...

Heh. Candy making skills.

A+ and extra credit for providing a rich spectrum of analysis ranging from gene identification to sociological analysis of mullets and anger management.

 
At 7:46 PM, Anonymous Lil" b-cack said...

I'm a friend Phat Tony? I feel so special now. ANd all this time I thought I was just your friend's ratty little sister, but now I feel like a real person....

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger Ssssteve said...

Lil, A+ for sure! The reason I'm sure for the low grade was that the instructor was intimidated by you vast wealth of knowledge concerning midgets, and since I'm sure he or she had a low self esteem they had to give you a low grade!!! Nice work!

 
At 11:22 AM, Anonymous fmragtops said...

Yeah, steve-o. Some people have to put others down to feel better about themselves. And those people are usually hate-filled lefties.

Like Insol said, that range of information in that piece was excellent. Where else could one hear the phrases, "Whether a person has achrondoplasia, diastrophic dysphasia, or any other type of dwarfism, it is important to remember that they are still people..." and "These are the troll looking type of midgets that have often been portrayed in Fairy Tales." In the same place.

 
At 8:39 PM, Anonymous mukrz said...

So, watching The Wizard of Oz, a very fine movie, how many distinct types of leetle peeple can you distinguish?

How many hits will DPT get for The Wizard of Oz or The Wiz?

 
At 9:11 PM, Anonymous lil' b-cack said...

Thanks everyone, I wish you were grading my paper.You all have your heads on straight. I guess some people just don't recognize true genuis when they see it. Did I forget to mention that my Bio teacher was all of 5"1 inches tall and had perpetual "short man syndrome"? Maybe that contributed to my crappy grade....

 
At 6:43 AM, Anonymous fmragtops said...

Those freakin' Napolean types! Damn them to hell with all their frenchness.

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger Tyler D. said...

I was about to ask if your teacher was a midget?
and mad dancing and candy making skills.


That is the greatest thing I have read today.

 

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