Steven Hawking Update
You might remember Lil’ B-Cack telling us her problem about her wheel chair bound Casanova. Well, she’s updating us on Stephen Hawking’s romantic pursuits.
Well, I am a nice person but there is only so much I can take. I took all of your advice to heart and tried to employ it. I tried to lose him in crowds, but he just hits his horn and people move out of the way. I tried to walk in fields that had the sprinklers on in the hopes it would short something out on his chair, but apparently his chair is amphibious. I even took my brother’s advice about the .45. STEVEN HAWKING IS INDESTRUCTABLE!!!!! And he is an asshole too. One night he kept asking questions about my “boyfriend” and I made up a name, story, etc, but then he got this weird tone in his voice and kept asking how much I had done with him and how far I had gone with him. I DO NOT want a wheel bound sicko whacking his weasel on the phone with me, and since his hands are all messed up, you know his mother has to help him. Then one night he told me “when I get married I want someone that is caring and loving, but who is also hot and has a nice rack.” I thought it was funny he said that so I said “oh yeah? What’s a nice rack?” and the asshat says “NICER THAN YOURS!!!!” I could not believe that! I was so shocked that he said that I didn’t know what to do. About a week later I didn’t want to talk to him when he called (it was a weekend so it was at exactly 5:30 pm) so I told him I had to run because I was going to the gym to work out. The standard answer would be “oh, okay, talk to you later” but oh no, Steven says “yeah you should go to the gym. It wouldn’t kill you to lose a few pounds!” Now I’m not a heifer or anything ( I weigh 127 pounds, and that is in actual pounds, not girl pounds which are about 5 less than what they really are) so that was the last straw. I told him his only hope is with a girl name Helen Keller. But did that give him the hint? HELL NO. It just made him call more. And he got more demanding. Calling at 5 in the morning, repeatedly of course…. Whenever he thought he could get a hold of my soul and rip it to shreds… I mean, talk to me.
B-Cack, cover your eyes, and skip to the next paragraph….
I went to have a cup of coffee with a male friend of mine (who turned out to be a jerk) and after about 7 calls I got really annoyed. I had it on vibrate but still, so I answered the 8th time, said “I am having a cup of coffee I will call you when I’m done” and hung up. Well right before I did, my guy friend said “bye iron side” and Steven heard him. So after I hung up on him, Steven just called back. I turned my phone off, but 30 minutes later on my way home, he had called 28 times, and was calling when I turned my phone on. All of the messages said something like this (or exactly this because he repeats himself nonstop) “I can’t believe you are cheating on your boyfriend. That is awful. You will give him diseases. If you aren’t going to be faithful to him, you need to break up with him. I can’t believe you are like that. How hard is it now to cheat on someone?” Now, Steven admitted he has never had a relationship with a woman, hasn’t even kissed a woman, and he is telling me what I need to do in my life, with my made up boyfriend? Homie don’t play that game!
But Steven didn’t’ stop there. I got roped into going to a movie with him (again) but I was determined NOT to go eat with him because frankly I don’t’ have the time of day. So I devised a spectacular plan that will come in later. So we were waiting in line to buy our tickets, and a friend of mine from my English comp. Class came over to say hi (he is male, and he has a girlfriend) to me, and he gave me a friendly (don’t’ spaz out B-Cack) hug. I introduced him to Steven, we chatted for a moment, and Steven didn’t’ say anything off color… BUT as soon as my friend and his little brother went into their theater, Steven says “SO ARE YOU BANGING HIM TOO?” my reaction “WTF OVER?!?”
So now Lil’ B-Cack is PISSED! I told him that my adult life (ha!) was none of his business and I could do whatever I wanted and I didn’t need to consult him, and I took sex ed, so I know about diseases and am fully capable of taking precautions on my own, so I don’t’ need someone in a wheel chair to tell me all about it. And then I let it drop.
Two days later, I am shopping at Wally World, buying some basics, Shampoo and mousse to keep the mullet stylin,’ some ammo, midget quarterly magazine, you know, the staples. Silly me, I forgot it was 9:00pm so I got THE call. And I hate being that idiot in the store yapping on the cell phone, so I said “I’m shopping, I will call you back when I’m done.” He asks me “how long?” I said “I don’t know, 20 minutes.” he says “okay, I’ll call you in 20 minutes”. I just hang up because I don’t’ want to be on the phone for the next 20 minutes telling him not to call me in 20 minutes. So I finish my shopping and in EXACTLY 20 minutes he calls me back. He asked me what I got at the store. I told him “oh just some stuff.” He asks me what kind of stuff. I told him just some toiletries. He asks me what kind of toiletries. At this point I am ready to reach through the phone and end his life. I say “you want to know? You REALLY want to know? If you absolutely MUST know, I got some shampoo, a 40 pack of rubbers, some KY Jelly, and a double pack of pregnancy test in case the 40 pack doesn’t work. Boy I sure hope the 40 pack can get me through the weekend. I need to pace myself.“ And I should have known that somebody can’t pick up on sarcasm!
So at this point, school is stressing me out, and frankly I just can’t stand him anymore. I tried to be frank with him, I tried to be a bitch to him (which I’m good at) and he STILL won’t let go. So I lied to him. I had to. I told him that I was moving up to the mountains (where my aunt and uncle have a ranch) to give trail rides for the summer. When I told him, he went into a Hawking’s rage. He kept saying how all his friends leave him (I wonder why), and he tried to lay a guilt trip on me saying how when he isn’t around people or talking to them he gets depressed. I’m sorry Steven, cry me a freakin’ river. I get depressed when someone I don’t’ even like calls me too many freaking times, bugs me senseless, tries to tell me what I need to do in life, insinuates that I have a fat ass and tiny boobs, and then tells me I’m a regular old street whore. I have had enough. Then after I told him I was leaving, he started trying to dig the claws in harder. He wanted the phone number up there, the address up there, my aunt and uncle’s address and phone number, and my home address. I THINK NOT! He did not get any of those. And then he said “well I will just try to call you in case you get a signal up there.” I told him my mom had my phone for the summer. And you know what? It worked!!!!! I have been Steven Hawking free for 11 days and I LOVE IT! I feel like I have control of my life again! Except that I keep having nightmares that I run into him and he will catch me. I kid you not, I had a dream that I took my car to get the oil changed and he was there getting his tires rotated, and I tried to run away from him and he caught me and was asking why I was back….. Anyway, I am free and SO SO SO happy about it. Thank you for the suggestions, and I will keep you updated on how long before he tries to call.