Monday, August 28, 2006

Simple Sayings and Stuff

A buddy of mine was going over some words to live by. I threw a couple of mine in there and think I might have come up with a definitive list. Enjoy.

Researchers say pigs have very intense orgasms…Ironically, most pigs think researchers are freaks in the sack.

You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead, urine and feces covered hand…And if you use a stick or something, you’re just a big pussy.

Never brag to your friends about humping the neighbor’s cat – always substitute in a lion or tiger or any animal you wouldn’t be ashamed to fit in to.

The ability to lick your own privates is a great and worthwhile skill – unless you are a drill sergeant in the army… Now that would get you in trouble mister…

You can attract more bees with honey than vinegar – so never run through bee hives with honey all over your naked body.

Brown-nosing the boss is fine when you’re the boss and like, really limber and stuff.

Nothing is more effective than teamwork, unless you’re all really, really, stupid or something.

To err is human; that’s why aliens can like, fly through space and stuff…

Sex with your sisters is wrong; unless you’re a coed in a sorority; then it’s good TV.

“Don’t eat the yellow snow.” doesn’t apply much in Alabama, but the adage “Don’t eat the mud coiled nicely in a pile next to a tree.” helps save lives.

It’s easier to get along with people when they know you can kick their ass.

Having a sports car doesn’t mean you’re compensating for a small penis. On the other hand, having a hybrid means you’re gay.

Hard work pays off but, beating up and robbing the guy that works hard is usually less time intensive.

Friday, August 18, 2006

How Long Does it Take to Get Some Answers

Sorry it took forever with the answers. You get what you pay for you know.

Steve the Pirate said...
Two questions, DPT:1. What is it going to take to keep the Dhimmicrats from taking control of the government?2. Why do hotdogs come in packages of ten and buns only come in packages of eight?

DPT: To answer your first question, I would have to say votes. I think it’s in the constitution or something. The hotdog thing is a Zionist conspiracy.

tommy said...
Should you leave the skin on for mashed potatoes?Is it OK to peel the potatoes before you bake them?

DPT: This sounds like a Mrs. DPT question. Come back and ask me a question like "How do you kill a guy with a pen?" That’s a DPT question.

Wyatt Earp said...
Will Cynthia McKinney speak at my Fraternal Order of Police meting?What country will Israel bitch-slap next?

DPT: Cynthia now has the time for those public appearances. I hope she gets up there to speak to the police that are fraternizing. Israel should just randomly launch missiles in any direction. The odds are they will hit one of their enemies.

The Conservative UAW Guy said...
Are you fattening up Jill?

DPT: Ya, she’s fat….and stupid…and ugly. That’s why I can’t post any more pictures of her. No one would have sympathy for a big, fat, ugly, stupid goat.

Ssssteve said...
I have big feet and big hands, what does that mean doc?
DPT: You’re a cartoon character, like Mickey Mouse. Do you only wear one article of clothing too?

PoP said...
What wine goes with BBQed Goat named Jill, and in what quantity?

DPT: Not wine, liquor. Lot’s of liquor.

fmragtops said...
Doc, since Sssteve has big hands and big feet, doesn't that mean he's a sasquatch?When are we gonna get another Phat History Lesson?

DPT: I guess we can go in that direction. Ssssteve, I love those jerky commercials. As for the Phat History lessons, at the rate I’m going, what happens today will become history before I get to post it.

FIAR said...
Are you ever going to post on a regular basis again?When are we gonna get another Phat History Lesson?

DPT: I wish I could tell for sure. I’ve got a lot of good ideas, but just a limited time to mess with this thing.

Insolublog said...
Do you prefer boxers, briefs or Miss Australia?

DPT: Heh, hiding Aussies in my pants just sounds funny.

SeanS said...
Where do those socks go that I keep losing in the dryer?When are you going to do another Phat history lesson?

DPT: They dissolve. Another mystery solved here at DPT’s.

FatWhiteMan said...
Does the noise in my head bother you?

DPT: At first I thought you wrote nose, and those usually don’t bother me. The noise, on the other hand, I can handle as long as you don’t drive by my house after dark and shake the windows.

Rooster Cashews said...
What is the best way to draw traffic to a blog? Is it biting political insight? Humorous anecdotes? Sucking up to people on other blogs by commenting for name recognition? Or posting pictures of scantily clad women?Your thoughts, please.

DPT: I stopped worrying about hits, when I realized that I have a handful of fans and those are the only people that really matter. My humor isn’t tailored for the masses. Stupid masses.

Damian G. said...
Is the monkey accompanying your Q & A posts an actual representation of the blog's author, and does he fling his own poo on a regular basis?

DPT: The monkey is sort of representative of the old adage that if you put monkeys in a room with typewriters; given enough time they will write Shakespeare. Well, one monkey with a pencil could easily come up with the crap I write within minutes.

Lil B-Cack said...
I have to start back to school in a few weeks at wonderful Hippie University.. What are some new ways to piss off hippies? I never thought I would say this but I’m getting sort of sick at yelling and throwing things at them....Oh! and B-Cack is coming home in a few weeks, what's the best way to introduce him to my new boyfriend without causing B-Cack a brain hemorrhage?And since I’m on a roll, how do I convince my parents to buy me a chimp for my birthday?

DPT: Burn bongo drums in effigy when they gather together. That would be pretty funny. I think to handle B-Cack you should have the monkey present at the time you tell him that you’ve got a man. That might smooth things over. To get the chimp tell your parents you need one so that B-Cack doesn’t go insane when you tell him that you’ve got a man.

Contagion said...
Why is it that when I want to find a new beer to try, the stores only carry it in a case? Also, why is it when I actually shell out the cash to buy it, the inevitably always taste like backwash?

DPT: See, change is bad. From now on only try new beers in bars, where they will only give you one which can easily be poured out.

The Evil Emperor Mindstation said...
Let's say I don't have a civilian AR-15.If I didn't want to convert it into a fully automatic weapon, what steps wouldn't I take to not accomplish that?

DPT: Make sure that your trigger assembly does not look like the picture in this link.

PoP said...
Lets say I didn't know how to convert a semi auto AR 15 to a fully auto. Could I still call a terrorist a Muslim terrorist if he is holding an AK47?

DPT: I thought about this yesterday. I know a Pakistani guy. I asked if he was a terrorist and he said no. I asked if he was Muslim and he replied "Dude, I play poker with you." So here is a tip for spotting terrorists. Terrorists don’t play poker. You should ask the guy with the AK-47 to play some cards with you. If he says no; then he’s a terrorist.

Peakah said...
Is this question too late? Is this really a question? What the hell am I doing here? Is that three questions? Am I late as well as over my question limit? Is my beer gone?

DPT: You had me at beer….you had me at beer.

LadyGunn said...
What is the airspeed velocity of an unladed swallow?What is the airspeed velocity of a dead parrot carrying a coconut made of SPAM while flying over singing lumberjacks wearing high heels, suspenders & a bra?

DPT: That’s a lot of Python in one question. Go fetch me a shrubbery and I will tell you what you need.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Long Time Since

…I had a question and answer. I think it’s high time I had another one. Ask me questions in the comments. Whether it’s on politics, social problems, relationship advice, or how to pick the right wine to go with Ramen noodles, I can make something up that sounds like I spent a whole 30 seconds thinking about it. All right guys (and girls if there are any left that read this sight) start asking.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


I was wading through the crap on You Tube the other day when I found a video of what seemed to be a couple of guys screwing around on treadmills. I then realized that the guys screwing around on the treadmills were a band.

I wouldn't say they are my favorite new band, but they have decent songs and a pretty good sense of humor. That's a lot better than all the bands that take them selves so seriously they look like self important pricks. They also have a pretty decent flash game on their website.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Gambling Man

So, over the weekend I played the biweekly poker game with some friends. We have a poker league so to speak. You accumulate points for placing and at the end of the league we have a tournament for the eight point leaders. The buy-in for the regular biweekly games is $20, and the point leader game at the end of the season is $35.

Now by no means am I poker god. I barely get to play once every six months. But this last Saturday I was finally able to attend the first game in the season. I also was able to take everyone else’s money for the first time this season. Now, I was told by the person that organized this league that last year the point leaders made sure they talked a lot of smack during the time they were point leaders. I, being the current point leader in the league, am a much more modest winner.

I do think that being the point leader should come with some benefits though. So as the point leader here are some changes that need to happen:

• I will now be known as “Most benevolent leader who breaks my over cards with his 4-5 off suit.”

• I will have the choice of seats at the table. It’s not going to be the one next to the refrigerator, I can tell you that.

• All beer will be sampled by me before anyone else consumes any.

• Smoke breaks will be given at my command.

• 100 chips will be the penalty for having your phone ring at the table. These chips will be put with my chips to save me time from taking them later from other people. As leader, I’m exempt from this rule.

• When the question “Who rocks the party, that rocks the party?” comes up during conversation, use the first bullet to answer.

These rules should be enough to get started with. I think they’re fair. What do you think?

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Customer Service; Now With Less Boobs

So like the previous story, I was sitting in the call bank answering phones and explaining to people their benefits. I then received a call that changed my view of the West Coast forever. A woman called me and said she was having problems scheduling a breast reduction surgery. She wanted the surgery done during the summer and it had been moved postponed till Christmas time. This is extremely strange because one the insurance does not cover plastic surgery unless it’s to repair damage done by an accident or a mastectomy and two the insurance company does not schedule surgeries. She informed me that she had the procedure authorized by the insurance company. I checked her schedule and did not find any authorization for a surgery for any date.

We went back and forth for a while until she finally spilled the beans. The breast reduction surgery wasn’t for her; it was for her twelve-year-old son. I check his authorization and, sure enough the insurance company had authorized a breast reduction surgery for a twelve-year-old boy. The reason it was so important that he get his boy boobs taken care of during the summer is so that the other kids at school would figure that he finally put down the sandwich and started doing some fraken push ups. If he had the surgery during Christmas break, everyone would know that his man boobs were sculpted, not by hard work and a little sweat but, by the steady hand of a plastic surgeon. This really upset the mother that people were going to tease her butter ball kid more than when he had man boobs. All the while this woman is lamenting the fate of the titty tuck being moved to Christmas, I’m wondering how the hell a parent would let their child go under the knife instead of working the little bastards boobs off through some exercise.

Anyway, the truth was that if she wanted her little pudgy kid to get his boobs done during the summer, she had to work out the date with the doctor and not us. Insurance companies don’t run doctors offices.