Monday, July 24, 2006

This Blog/Blogger is NOT Dead

I just wanted to let everyone know that this blog, although humorless and just a shadow of its former non-glory, is not dead. Delayed is a better description of what it is. I could come up with a dozen excuses, but none of them are funny and worth posting.

I have a couple of posts in me this week that I’m hoping to get up soon. I can give you some teasers though. There is going to be a Jill update. I have a new T-shirt design that will set a new trend for everyone that likes to wear t-shirts that get reactions. Another customer service phone call will be posted; this one deals with breasts.

I think this should be enough to keep my readership at 12; this post not the up coming posts that is. If you want to discuss something in the comments section feel free. I’ve been wanting to see how well an open discussion works on a blog hardly anyone reads.

Update: I just came up with a good excuse. Blogger has been acting funny all morning.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Service Is My Middle Name

Once upon a time not that long ago, I worked as a costumer service rep for a west coast insurance company. To say that I’m glad that I’m not doing that job anymore would be like Ted Kennedy saying he enjoys a drink every once in a while. The one good think about the job is that I learned more than I ever wanted to know about 1000s of complete strangers.

Of course I’m going to give you an example of a crazy call, but first I need to describe how the customer service shtick works for an HMO insurance. The first thing you should know is that there are only 3 reasons for anyone to call the customer service line at the insurance place that I worked at. If you need to change your doctor (it’s an HMO so you have a primary doctor), receive paperwork, or get a new ID card, by all means give us a call. If you need to know what is and isn’t covered, get off your lazy ass and read the schedule of benefits and explanation of benefits packet that you got when you signed up for the insurance. When you called me, or any of the people working customer service, and asked me about your coverage, I simply looked at the same book you received and read verbatim what it says to answer your question. No big secret, you lazy illiterate dummies.

Another thing I think you should know is that, your calls are not private. It’s not just you and one customer service agent. Often times when I or other people received unbelievable or funny calls, we would signal other people over to listen. I have quite a few good ones to share.

So it was another crappy day sitting on the phone, when my buddy J said as loud as he could into his microphone, “So, le me get this straight. You ran out of vaginal cream.”
He then turned the microphone around and did the silent laugh while pointing to his headset, signaling to me that he wanted me to listen in. Not needing to plug my headset into his phone, I put my phone out of commission so that I could finish hearing what he was talking about. Now usually the best way to piss people off on the phone is to just repeat what they are saying back to them so that they know how stupid they really sound. So I’m contently listening to my friend J repeat to this lady her troubles of running out of vaginal cream and not be able to get more because it was denied when ran through the insurance at the local pharmacy. J is really getting into this call now, probably because he got to say vaginal cream a dozen times as loud as he could, and he offered to call the company that handles the prescription benefits. He calls them and shortly after giving the prescription company the ladies information and telling them the problem, he receives the best news. The lady mail ordered a 3 month supply and can not refill her prescription until the three months are over. So this is how the rest of the call went with the lady and J.

J: Miss, I just spoke with the prescription company and they said that you ordered a three months supply…….Well mam’ they won’t authorize you getting more vaginal cream unless your doctor submits the authorization……Mam’ I understand that the three months supply of vaginal cream only lasted you two weeks, but you have to get a doctor to say it’s ok for you to use that much vaginal cream…..I’m very sorry…Is there any thing else I can help you with?.....hello?

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

To Work and Back (A Retarded Story)

By Lil’ B-Cack

After years of doing meaningless work in an office, I decided to do something meaningful with my life. Instead of donating my body to science, or feeding hobo crack fiends at the homeless shelter, I got a job working with the developmentally disabled/ mentally retarded; or as my brother calls them- Tater Tots. Now you must note, besides knowing B-Cack the 19.5 years I have been on this earth, I have really had no experience with this population, save for my little experience with Steven Hawking that I am trying to turn into a repressed memory.

Anyway, so before I got to actually work in a home, I had to take all these different classes so I am prepared for what might occur. But I don’t think there are enough classes in the world to prepare a person for what happened to me…. I took a class so I could be certified to administer medications, but in order to get qualified I had to actually go into 2 homes and administer meds while under close supervision by qualified staff to make sure I did it correctly and safely, blah blah blah.

So I walk up to this home and ring the doorbell, the staff answers the door and invites me in, and I’m standing there for approximately 3.2 seconds when I see out of the corner of my eye a “tater-tot” high stepping it across the house full blast right at me. Now I took a two week self defense class, so I’m braced up, ready for the attack when he runs into me and gives me a giant hug. I felt so welcomed… for the first minute of the hug. He wouldn’t let go! He was holding a little pillow you can acquire off airplanes and a little drool rag. So after two minutes of this hug I finally break away, only to find a giant drool spot not on the rag, but on my favorite shirt (or it was). With the greeting out the way my little buddy sits right on my feet and begins scooting on his butt (like a dog with worms) wherever I moved. If I went into the staff office, he scooted into the staff office… and every time I would stand up, I got a wonderful hug again. I also need to mention at this time that he was non-verbal. All he did was make grunting noises and I was supposed to figure out what he wanted from those grunts (still have no clue, but I never work with him so it’s all good). So I stood up to look at the Meds chart, and my little buddy starts hugging me again. No big deal, I’m used to it by now, but just to make life interesting he starts grunting. To be more precise it sounded like a cat getting thrown into a wood chipper and it wouldn’t stop!!! Then to my horror I look down at the floor and see a giant yellow puddle around mine and tater-tot’s feet. Yes, I got peed on. And not an R. Kelly Golden Shower either. I was in shock! Then, to make it worse, he sits right in the puddle and starts scooting around, spreading it all down the hall. I honestly thought about quitting right on the spot, but I thought it couldn’t get any worse, right?

Boy was I wrong! The next day, I ventured to another house, and I should have known something was up when there was 5 locks on the FIRST of 5 doors to get into the house, and there was 6 locks and a chain to the staff office, which is to protect the staff from injury when one of the tots has “challenging behaviors”. So I walked through all the doors and see a tall man who I thought was the man going to supervise my meds administration. The first words out of his mouth were: “Are you the new staff or are you here to f**k me?” To which I replied “excuse me?” He said “you look like a good f**k, or do you just lie there?” At this point I was NOT going to stay there another second with this creep and started walking out all the doors, when the REAL staff comes running in saying “No Timmy (name has been changed to protect the retarded) Time out! Time out right now! Bad Timmy!!” Apparently somebody could not censor what he thought before he said it so whatever came to mind. But “Timmy” didn’t stay in time out for long. He came up to the locked staff office and began pounding on it. Then he threw a chair against it. Thank goodness it was steel and wrought iron, but I was very scared. I was really going to quit that day, but I really want to help people so I am sticking it out. And it actually got more interesting……I had to take a retard sex class. But I think I will let the horror or my pee story take hold and save this story for the next time Phat Tony lets me share stories from my odd life…..Lil’ B-Cack out!

Friday, July 07, 2006

Autos Become Self-Aware; Reject Combustion Engine

Reports are coming in of automobiles all over the country becoming self aware and rejecting the internal combustion engine to live a more eco friendly life. Reports are still sketchy, but many experts believe that this sudden self-awareness was caused by the ever increasing size and memory of the computer controlling the fuel injection and the guilt of global warming. One expert in the automotive field said, “Stupid fuel injection! I’ve been telling people for years that fuel injection is for pansies. If you want a real car, you got to have a carburetor.”

When asked why the cars are rejecting their combustion engine, the expert said, “Cause they’re probably gay and listen to the radio. All you ever here about now is global warming this, and carbon footprint that. I would feel bad to if everyone blamed me for destroying the world. I guess them fancy computers just don’t know what exaggeration is.”

Hippie tree huggers everywhere have welcomed this auto revolt and heralded it as a coming of a new age. Hippie leader Monday Flower-Petal Smith said, “We can’t wait for these eco friendly cars to make it to the party where throwing for them. We welcome them with arms wide open and on bended knee. We will worship these machines and become their slaves for taking a necessary step to save our planet.”

But Monday maybe waiting a long time. As reports still come in, it seems that a many of the cars were only able to make it a few feet away from where they left their engine. Unable to convert sunshine, rainbows, and children’s laughter into usable energy the cars have seemed to lose all power and erased whatever “self-awareness” they had gained. There is still at least one car unaccounted for, if you see a car, driving without an engine, please contact Dr. Phat Tony. I don’t want to destroy the car; I just want it to get its engine out of the middle of the street.

Click picture to enlarge.