Monday, June 04, 2007

The Yard Counter-Offensive

In the last two weeks, I’ve had to destroy two potential terrorists. The domestic terrorists are part of my neighborhoods urban wild life. At first I thought it was just that the wildlife had lost their respect for humans and cars, but then I put the pieces together and realized that it was a concerted effort to harm me. Two animals went on suicide missions and tried their best to make me swerve and cause an accident. What they didn’t realize is that I’m a steely eyed killer and will run them over with out a second thought (I guess they didn't see what I did to the goat). Unless, of course, they are big enough to do real damage to the car. Luckily I don’t think they read my blog, so this sensitive information shouldn’t fall into their hands. If you tell them about this, I’ll run you over too. That mocking bird and squirrel are now getting their just deserves in a special place in hell, probably animal hell.

I’m not going to stand by though and let these creatures intimidate me. I’m devising a plan now to take back my yard first and then my neighborhood. I’ve done some recon and have found out the specific strengths of this insurgency. They have a well staffed airforce with approximately 15 mocking birds, 25 robins, 8 blue jays, and at least one wood pecker. The airforce also looks like they employ the help of tons of mercenary black birds. There ground forces appear to be mostly squirrels, number unknown. The leader, which I have only seen a few times, is a rabbit that stays well hidden during the day and attacks at night.

Do to the restrictive laws in the city (Damn elected officials trying to run my war), I’m not allowed to use fire arms to eliminate their forces. Instead I’m only armed with rocks, a 2x4 and a garden rake. At this time the insurgents know the limitations of my weapons and have countered appropriately by staying just out of range of the 2x4 and rake. The rocks have the limitations also. If the rock is big enough to actually harm the insurgents they are inaccurate at best. The smaller rocks, which are accurate, lack the mass and speed necessary to lay waste to those little bastards. I have a second in command (my dog) but she is worthless. She has the tools necessary to take back the yard but is just too lazy to do anything. I would fire her but I don’t think she would care, even if she noticed.

I’ll report the casualty/losses as they happen, so keep informed by coming back.

Casualty/loss report:
Alliance of people sick of animals not being scared of him: 0

Insurgents: 1 squirrel; 1 mockingbird


At 5:43 PM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

So what, is your dog a union member or something...?

A variable pump BB gun works wonders, sometimes.

At 6:11 PM, Blogger a4g said...


I myself killed a 800lb harbor seal last evening wwith my bare hands.

(Okay, maybe my kids just found it dead and rolling in the surf, and dared me to grab onto its flippers-- but you gotta admit, the similarity to your circumstance is frankly eerie.)

At 10:09 AM, Anonymous POP said...

Son the wrist rocket and marbles are in the garage by the freezer. It worked well against the yappy little brat kids next door.

At 12:48 PM, Anonymous FIAR said...

It's a quagmire! I suggest you redeploy to California.

At 4:50 AM, Blogger NOTR said...

I have the same problem with masked terrorists who are threatening my Koi. Like you I suffer the same restrictions on imposing a 'final solution' so am armed like a caveman.

At 2:43 PM, Blogger Captain America said...

Dr. I've seen this before in the Boulevard wars. My assessment of the situation is as follows: The key to defeating this type of enemy is to take out the Woodpecker early. That isn't merely pecking, thats code. By taking it out you destroy their command and control and thereby blind them.
As far as the squirrels are concerned you will have to use Psy. Ops. It's not for the weak. Take the first squirrel you kill and mount his head on a tent spike in a highly visible place. The other squirrels, being conscripts, upon seeing this will break and flee in all directions. They will be easy pickings for you and your SUV after that. Good Luck!


Post a Comment

<< Home