Some of you might remember that I said I was going to be working two jobs for a little while in order to do some home improvement. Well, just finished my three weeks of training and am now ready to go out there and help the masses with their TV. Yes, I’m working as customer service for a subscription broadcast company (whose name will be with held so that I never have to talk to any of you guys about why your remote doesn’t work.)
So far I only have one good story since I haven’t actually taken a call. In class, to fill time, we were asked to make a presentation to sell our company’s product to a specific demographic. My team was given a “single father of three” to target our “commercial” to. We were given a large sheet of paper to make some graphics and the time to come up with a presentation. While I’m not all that talented, I think I had ¾ of my team beat in the talent department. Luckily there was a person that had some skill with drawing so that I could speak with something that might take attention away from my presentation….or not as it turns out.
This is how it went.
Are you a single dad with three kids ‘cause your wife ran off with a male dancer? Is your wallet light because that same woman took half of your stuff? Well stop beating yourself up for marrying a thieving whore. Let us (name of company) entertain you.
Our (name of some family programming) will keep your kids occupied forever so that you won’t have to interact with them. Instead of spending quality time with your, soon to be in therapy, brood, sit them down for a couple of hours in front of the TV so that you can play online poker and search for porn in peace. When the little bastards finally fall asleep from coming down off a sugar rush, you can then entertain yourself by watching premium channels like: HBO, where you get series where they curse and occasionally show you some boobies. Cinemax, where after midnight, it only takes 30 seconds for women to take off their clothes in a completely classless movie, where the only plot is to get as close to the X rating without stepping over the line. Or lastly, our premium sports programming, where you can watch all the sports that don’t matter. Ever wondered who the world champion in ping-pong was, or who took first at the European games in water polo? Well you’ll find out with this abortion of what we call programming because you won’t see any sports that Americans will watch on it.
We know life can be tough as a single dad with no chance for of getting laid because you can’t bring a woman home and let her know that you weren’t man enough to hold onto your woman. That’s why (name of company)’s motto is; “(Name of company) less expensive than a date and more dignified than a hooker.”