Dr. Phat Tony's

Bail Me Out

2009-02-11T07:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. President,

All though I didin’t vote for you and I think this bailout is an abortion of economic policy, I know opportunity when I see it. Since you’re going to be handing out the earnings of hardworking American’s to companies, organizations, and city and state governments that have done nothing to deserve it, I feel this is the right time to lobby for a bailout of my own. While my debt is small and I have been more responsible with the money I had to budget than all the other entities listed previously, I promise that I will use the money to help stimulate the economy. It’s true that some of the money that I’m asking for will go to pay off previous debt, but the majority of the money will be spent on new products made here in the U.S. and possibly by Americans. I can promise that all the products will be made by Americans since some of the money will be used to build a house. (Those illegal immigrants sure do know how to dry wall and roof a house.) So here is the Plan Mr. President, you will take the earnings of other people that make money, and then give me money that I haven’t earned. The amount should be no less than $300,000.00. This will benefit more people per person than the 2.7 trillion that you are already planning on giving away. What is more is that the measily amount of 300,000 dollars will never even be noticed by the governments already enormous deficit. So in closing Mr. President, just send the check and I will get started stimulating things.
Thanks in advance,

Dr. Phat Tony

Weekend of Firsts

2009-02-01T20:53:00.000-08:00

Well this weekend was a big weekend for me. One was that I took my bike, legally, on the roads with traffic for the first time. Since it was such a nice weekend there were also alot of other bikes on the road. If you didn't know there is a custom of waving for bikers. See this video for an explanation.

I went with the two finger point wave deal. Not quite as radical as a peace sign but still cool and hip. So, ya, I did my first cool motorcycle guy wave.

I also met the first blogger I've read ever. Tyler D. at 45 Caliber Jutice Went for a ride with me today up to Monte Sano. It was a nice ride and I appreciate his patience. Anyway, my first blog meet I would call a success, unless Tyler comes and cuts me up with an axe later. So, it's a success pending axe murder.

Hey Everybody

2009-01-19T20:27:00.000-08:00

So I'm just updating for the few that stop by and check to see if I'm still alive. I am. Still doing well in school and I finally got what I've been talking about for so long, and without having to kill a goat. Here is a picture of my new favorite toy.
Any who, this is my new Yamaha FZ6. Just now learning how to ride it and hopefully will be comfortable enough on it to go for some nice trips when it warms up. So that was my update. If something new or exciting happens I'll write it down.

Been A Long Time

2008-09-02T11:18:00.000-07:00

So it's been along time since I wrote anything. Truth is that I'm writing 40 essays every 8 weeks for school so most writing has lost its appeal. Some big things are coming up and I will let you hear all about them. There will be some travel and maybe a two-wheeled vehicle in my near future. Take care everyone and I will drop a line soon.

Got To Love G4

2007-11-01T21:35:00.001-07:00

Got to love G4 tech humor.

The History of LOLCats - Watch more free videos

Dead Offenders

2007-10-11T05:53:00.000-07:00

I like "dead offenders" too.

This is my first time using blogger video so let's see how it turned out.

Not so Good...

2007-09-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

when it comes to advertising a new airlines coming to town. I'm thinking that Skybus probably won't be buying advertisement space at the Chattanoogan any time soon.

Click to bigerificate.

Tis Talk Like a Pirate Day

2007-09-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

Today be talk like a Pirate tide. Sea dogs an' land lubbers ortin' ta take some time t' reckon that global warmin' an' th' decrease in sea dogs be directly related.

A Little Accident

2007-09-04T14:14:00.001-07:00

I knew I was gonna have a bad day when I rear ended the car in front of me.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said... "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

B-Cack Update

2007-08-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

B-Cack (my embedded reporter) found time to shoot off a piece for the blog. Enjoy.

Phat Tony,
Sorry dude, it has been a long time sine I've sat down and fired off any messages to you. I would like to comment on this "Baghdad Blogger" asshole: I know you are talking about the "Weaver Weapons System" in your Blog, and I find it fucking hilarious. Anyone who was in the military and especially anyone who has been over here knows that those stories are bullshit. First of all, our kids are too busy dodging IED's and killing bad guys to worry about running over dogs. ( By the way there are HUNDREDS of wild dogs that roam the streets of Baghdad, so I wouldn't be surprised if one or two got ran over on occasion, so there is your small "truth" that probably came from this losers story. As for the local woman whose face was "melted" being made fun of in the chow hall? Well, it may be sad to say, but the locas aren't in our chow halls. There are a few civilian workers, but I seriously doubt some local woman made her way onto a camp and entered a chow hall. I raise the BUllSHIT flag nice and tall.
I find it pretty Goddamn pathetic that people back in the states are so fucking enamored with stupid ass stories like this? I mean if you want to get outraged over something, why not get EXTREMELY pissed about the Iranian influence over here, in terms of PERSONNEL (yes) and weapons ( oh fuck yeah) Well, I better get some rest, I have a lot of work to do here before I come home.... Hasta B-Cack

For A4G

2007-08-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

Remember when I was making A4G jealous with my awesome Greg Gutfeld original? Well, I want to apologize to A4G and say that I will not mention my picture of a book, hippo, and cat/dog hybrid again.

I will however show off my newest Greg Gutfeld original showing Unicorn Jones and Fluffy McNutters (cat/dog hybrid) cruising in a convertible. In your face A4G!

Earp-a-rific

2007-08-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

So Wyatt tried his best to come up with an embarrassing badge for Philadelphia’s finest for doing something stupid, instead of stopping the bad guys. Bless his heart for trying. I thought I could help him out just by posting one of the pics found in his personal online collection. Remember the last time I did this? This one is a instant classic. Although it's Wyatt's normal Saturday night apparel, it would embarrass other officers to dress like this.

hat tip to the adopted kid

Insensitive War Stories

2007-08-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

So this whole Beauchamp thing seems to have people up in arms. Do I think the kid is a liar? I think he’s an exaggerator at best. I knew a guy like him in the Army and to cover up the fact that he never did anything super cool, he would take a story and blow it up beyond recognition. For example: He once said that he had a bad jump while at Bragg and ended up landing in the Delta compound. What really happened was that a jump he was on another plane had it’s jumpers out in the wrong spot and they ended up in the trees. You see he took a true story (a bad jump), then inserted himself in the story and embellished it so instead of trees it was the Delta compound. The story of course became more fantastic every time you heard it. The last time I heard it not only did he land in the Delta compound but Delta force came running out where he landed with MP5s ready to blow him away. Of course it was hard to lie to other soldiers. It’s a small Army and a smaller MOS. There were people in my unit that were also a part of this jump and new the DZ was no where near the Delta compound.

Now Beauchamp’s story of making fun of a lady with the melted face is probably partly true. Do I believe him and his friend made jokes at this lady’s expense? Sure, but not where she or anyone else besides the people that thought it was funny could hear, and from what seems to be coming out not because the stress of war.

I actually have a similar story to the one Beauchamp told. When I was at Camp Bondsteel, there was a Kosovar that worked in the sew shop that had a gimp arm. It was a birth defect, and other than her arm, she was fairly hot. There was a soldier in my unit that joked that he would get some "nub love" before the deployment was over. Of course, he would never joke about it in front of her (I think he was really trying to get some) and we all joked about it also. Soldiers are pretty insensitive. We had our nickname for her and though it was mean no one in my unit would dare to say something that would hurt her feelings anyway. Now what it seems like to me is the Beauchamp is relaying a similar story. They probably were making fun of a woman who was injured; where she could hear it though is doubtful.

Giving You The Finger

2007-08-01T07:33:00.000-07:00

I thought that maybe the pictures of the finger might be to graphic for some. So, I'll give those who won't look at flesh busted up the X-ray to look at.

My finger will grow if you click it.

Break Out

2007-07-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

It took 29 years but I finally did it. I broke my first bone. Luckily I also had a camera phone to take some wonderful pictures. I would write how it happened, bu my one handed typing skills has already made this post time consuming. Stupid broken right index finger. Oh, for those who are counting; the bone is broken into 5 seperate pieces, and after 24 hours it's still bleeding.

WARNING!! IF YOU ARE FAINT OF HEART OR WEAK OF STOMACH, DON'T SCROLL DOWN!

LAST WARNING!

NO SERIOUSLY!

Alright it's not that bad. Click pictures to biggerize them.

Stupid

2007-07-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

...or egocentric?

Silly French man, Galileo grew up just next door. Maybe you need an Italian phone a friend next time.

Huh?

2007-07-20T10:52:00.001-07:00

I don't even want to know if they found the place they were looking for.

click picture to engorge

A Fallen Soldier

2007-07-19T09:05:00.000-07:00

I just received word that a friend of mine, Jeffery McKinney, died in Iraq last week. What made it so shocking is that Will sent me an email and I was so stoked that he contacted me, it was a big let down to hear that his team leader from Eco 51st INF died last week.

1st Sgt. Jeffery McKinney, or as I knew him, Ranger Mac was a good man, a great soldier, and one of the funniest guys I knew. He will be missed and the Army has lost an asset.

I’ve been racking my brain, trying to remember a funny story involving Ranger Mac. My room mate, Expletive Delph (and also B-Cack), was on his team and I always remember that Expletive Delph would blame me for everything wrong in our room. I did the same to him though, so it always seemed to work out. I plan on making some phone calls tonight hoping to jog my memory so I can update this post with a good story.

RIP Range Mac

I Get...

2007-07-18T18:36:00.001-07:00

...the strangest phone calls.
click to bigify

It was tough to get that call also. The condo I was in (went to the beach in LA lower Alabama where Spacemonkeys live in their natural habitat) had crap for signal. I had to leave my phone next to the window to get anything. I will say that I was this [---] close to meeting the legend that is Spacemonkey. I can settle for a phone call though.

Memes in the Corner of My Mind

2007-07-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

A4G Point Five memed me. Which is only as half dirty as it sounds. Probably wanted to breathe some life into my “blog”; whatever that means. So without further ado,

The rules:

1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. (I finished part one and half of 3 already.)
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them the have been tagged.

Here I go:

1. I am male and therefore have a penis. This is incontrovertibly a fact, despite what you’ve heard.
2. I married a female who does not have a penis. Also a fact, just not as random after the first one.
3. Wyatt took me off his blog role. He is a jerk for doing this. (This is a two-fer fact)
4. I would like nothing more than my neighbor’s dogs to be run over by cars. Not my car mind you, anyone else is fine by me.
5. I can say water in five languages. This has never helped me score with a chick. (Another two-fer fact)
6. A cat once bit my nose while I was asleep. This cat’s teeth were very pointy and sharp. As long as I distinguish a singular cat this is still a fact; both action and description.
7. I can raise my left eyebrow without raising my right, but I can’t reverse and raise my right without raising my left.
8. As I wrote that last fact I spent a few moments trying just to end up making faces at the computer monitor. No one walked by to see me.

I’m tagging:
Professor Hawkings
Contagion
Insolublog (for the same reason as everyone else. To coax him back to blogging.)
AJ
And four other people who feel like being tagged.

I Won

2007-07-03T12:37:00.001-07:00

So I received this envelope in the mail yesterday.

I immediately thought that Greg Gutfeld from Red Eye was worried about me, because of my lack of blogging. I thought that right up until I opened the envelope and found this.

I forgot all about naming the picture Greg drew. Now I would never accuse some one of tracing, especially when they state clearly that they're "Drawing the News", but this paper seems awfully transparent. Greg, since I know you frequent my sight at least five times a day, I have a request. Next time I win one of these would you mind enclosing the transcript of what you said about it when it airs? Also, please lie to me and say you at least drew Fluffy McNutters free hand.

The Difference

2007-06-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

Fred Thompson and Hillary were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.

Now, do you understand the difference?

This is Just the Beginning

2007-06-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

Can Fred Thompson glare down a round house kick? This could be the most exciting presidential race ever.

The Yard Counter-Offensive

2007-06-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

In the last two weeks, I’ve had to destroy two potential terrorists. The domestic terrorists are part of my neighborhoods urban wild life. At first I thought it was just that the wildlife had lost their respect for humans and cars, but then I put the pieces together and realized that it was a concerted effort to harm me. Two animals went on suicide missions and tried their best to make me swerve and cause an accident. What they didn’t realize is that I’m a steely eyed killer and will run them over with out a second thought (I guess they didn't see what I did to the goat). Unless, of course, they are big enough to do real damage to the car. Luckily I don’t think they read my blog, so this sensitive information shouldn’t fall into their hands. If you tell them about this, I’ll run you over too. That mocking bird and squirrel are now getting their just deserves in a special place in hell, probably animal hell.

I’m not going to stand by though and let these creatures intimidate me. I’m devising a plan now to take back my yard first and then my neighborhood. I’ve done some recon and have found out the specific strengths of this insurgency. They have a well staffed airforce with approximately 15 mocking birds, 25 robins, 8 blue jays, and at least one wood pecker. The airforce also looks like they employ the help of tons of mercenary black birds. There ground forces appear to be mostly squirrels, number unknown. The leader, which I have only seen a few times, is a rabbit that stays well hidden during the day and attacks at night.

Do to the restrictive laws in the city (Damn elected officials trying to run my war), I’m not allowed to use fire arms to eliminate their forces. Instead I’m only armed with rocks, a 2x4 and a garden rake. At this time the insurgents know the limitations of my weapons and have countered appropriately by staying just out of range of the 2x4 and rake. The rocks have the limitations also. If the rock is big enough to actually harm the insurgents they are inaccurate at best. The smaller rocks, which are accurate, lack the mass and speed necessary to lay waste to those little bastards. I have a second in command (my dog) but she is worthless. She has the tools necessary to take back the yard but is just too lazy to do anything. I would fire her but I don’t think she would care, even if she noticed.

I’ll report the casualty/losses as they happen, so keep informed by coming back.

Casualty/loss report:
Alliance of people sick of animals not being scared of him: 0

Insurgents: 1 squirrel; 1 mockingbird

Gun Pron

2007-05-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

Ya for gun pron. What's really great about this weapon is that it uses 22lr. What a great way to waste 6 bucks in a few seconds.

Put it on our site.

Put it on your site.

Unoriginally Funny

2007-05-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

Since I'm to ~~busy~~ lazy to write my own stuff. I'll give you this.

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,

" Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

What in the World

2007-05-17T14:21:00.000-07:00

Want to know what's going on in the world?

Try this Map.

I thought it was pretty cool.

The Mystery That is Fred

2007-05-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

I'm doing my part to coax him to enter. You should do you part by buying some swag.

Beware the Glare!

Who’s Crazy Now?

2007-05-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

“I've been trying to figure something in my head, and maybe you can help me out, yeah? When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane? Maybe you're just sitting around, reading "Daily Kos" (editors note: changed to make sense with the subjects), masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, "Wow! It is amazing how fu**ing crazy I really am!"? Yeah. Do you guys do that?” -Detective Mills

There are rumors that Rosanne Barr is to replace Rosie O’Donnel on the View. Now both of them are certifiable. I’m pretty sure that neither of them thinks of themselves this way. I do wonder who they think is crazy though. I’m fairly sure that crazy people find their own twisted logic to be completely normal, but I wonder who crazy people think are wacked out of their minds. Like did the VT student Cho, ever say: “Jeffery Dahlmer was one crazy wacko.” Did Manson ever say “That Hitler guy was a few boy scouts short of a jamboree.” Has a “Truther” ever pointed at a Moon Landing Denier and said, “Those guys need to take off their tinfoil hats and look at the facts.”

Just wondering.

Funny haha and Funny Queer

2007-04-26T12:13:00.001-07:00

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired!"

Getting in on the Conversation

2007-04-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

Over at the Dailygut, they’ve been discussing an article wrote by Mark Steyn where he called the student in the VT shooting less than men for not confronting the psyCho killer. I wanted to comment over there but they have this ridiculous comment length limit and I need spell check to make sure I don’t look like too much of an idiot.

I would like to go on record now and call Mr. Steyn a fool for stating that the students in the VT classroom were less than “men” and that they were more than children. I’ll explain the more than children statement first. All though I’m sure that most of the students were of legal age to be considered adults, I doubt that any of them had enough life experience to be called such. Age has little to do with the ability to act as an adult. What’s more is that experience that they lacked probably would have caused them to act differently. Those students had yet to live a life that wasn’t sheltered by teachers and parents. They were not on their own and the toughest decision they ever had to make was whether they were going to buy real food or get the ramen noodles and beer instead. To be able to react under a stressful situation, one most go through stressful situations and be forced to make a decision during that stress. I’m not talking about whether or not to study for a final. Nor am I talking about whether to cut the red wire or the blue wire. I’m talking about the type of stress that one is subjected to during training such as military, police, fireman, martial arts, or other activities that require decision making during times of stress. The one thing that you will hear a lot when some one interviews a hero is that they relied heavily on past training or experiences. These children did not have enough time in their lives to experience that. Yes at 19, I was more of an adult than these “children”. I had already gone through Army basic training, Airborne School, and Ranger Indoctrination Program. The largest portions of these training programs were to give you the ability to make decisions under high stress. This training gives you something to rely on when the “flight or fight” instinct kicks in.

The less than men part is particular egregious. No where in any of the combat training I’ve had, has anyone instructed me to rush an armed opponent if an avenue of escape was available. Some of you might say that there was no avenue of escape for some of these students, but I say in that split second when you realize you can’t run there is now zero opportunity to close the gap to the opponent and dispatch him before he shoots you. (It’s still not known whether people died trying to rush him or not.) If you wonder why a few students didn’t try to take him in a team effort, ask yourself how well you can get a few people to work as a team on something they’ve never done before when you have no time to plan or coordinate? The truth is even an experienced team of soldiers might not have been able to accomplish disarming an armed assailant without weapons. Actually, having been a trained soldier my first trained instinct when shots ring out is to get on the ground. Doesn’t sound very brave, does it?

Troops + Lunch = Appreciated

2007-03-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

First off I want to thank the fruit of my looms DR Phat Tony for allowing his feeble nearly blind old man to post a little suggestion to all of the DPT readers I have come to know and respect. I would like to propose a take a troop to lunch campaign. To honor our soldiers by buying them lunch when the opportunity presents its self. If you happen to see a soldier at the restaurant you are at, just walk up thank him for his service to our country hand him a note with this or your website address. Ask them to leave a comment about their view on how they are being portrayed in the media or how they feel about the war and its out come. Tell him his lunch is on you and have the waitress bring his check to you. I would like to see more soldiers come by the site and get a well deserved pat on the back. I would also like some one to come up with a Take A Soldier To Lunch business card. I’m pretty sure I can fork out enough for a PLATO T shirt, or a DPT coffee cup for the winner.

Now if my son doesn’t edit this to sound like a mentally deranged rant from his father. I think this is a wonderful idea. We happen to live at an Army base so we see a lot of soldiers. Get the card ideas rolling I need them to hand out.

With all respect
Pop

The Second Job

2007-03-22T10:05:00.001-07:00

Some of you might remember that I said I was going to be working two jobs for a little while in order to do some home improvement. Well, just finished my three weeks of training and am now ready to go out there and help the masses with their TV. Yes, I’m working as customer service for a subscription broadcast company (whose name will be with held so that I never have to talk to any of you guys about why your remote doesn’t work.)

So far I only have one good story since I haven’t actually taken a call. In class, to fill time, we were asked to make a presentation to sell our company’s product to a specific demographic. My team was given a “single father of three” to target our “commercial” to. We were given a large sheet of paper to make some graphics and the time to come up with a presentation. While I’m not all that talented, I think I had ¾ of my team beat in the talent department. Luckily there was a person that had some skill with drawing so that I could speak with something that might take attention away from my presentation….or not as it turns out.

This is how it went.

Are you a single dad with three kids ‘cause your wife ran off with a male dancer? Is your wallet light because that same woman took half of your stuff? Well stop beating yourself up for marrying a thieving whore. Let us (name of company) entertain you.

Our (name of some family programming) will keep your kids occupied forever so that you won’t have to interact with them. Instead of spending quality time with your, soon to be in therapy, brood, sit them down for a couple of hours in front of the TV so that you can play online poker and search for porn in peace. When the little bastards finally fall asleep from coming down off a sugar rush, you can then entertain yourself by watching premium channels like: HBO, where you get series where they curse and occasionally show you some boobies. Cinemax, where after midnight, it only takes 30 seconds for women to take off their clothes in a completely classless movie, where the only plot is to get as close to the X rating without stepping over the line. Or lastly, our premium sports programming, where you can watch all the sports that don’t matter. Ever wondered who the world champion in ping-pong was, or who took first at the European games in water polo? Well you’ll find out with this abortion of what we call programming because you won’t see any sports that Americans will watch on it.

We know life can be tough as a single dad with no chance for of getting laid because you can’t bring a woman home and let her know that you weren’t man enough to hold onto your woman. That’s why (name of company)’s motto is; “(Name of company) less expensive than a date and more dignified than a hooker.”

Self Deprecating Humor

2007-03-16T06:23:00.001-07:00

Dear God,
Although I’m quite disappointed that I’m not as talented as this kid, I’m ever thankful I don’t have the problem that inspired his song.
Amen

My Little Secret - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

Found Innocent by Google

2007-03-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

So, I haven’t been posting lately because Google says that I’m a spam blog. This is partly due to my salty language and pork laden munitions. Here is what they sent me when things finally were fixed.

Hello,

Your blog has been reviewed, verified, and cleared for regular use so that
it will no longer appear as potential spam. (Yippee! Some one is actually reading my stuff. Did you donate money to send porn to troops? How does one appear to be spam? My blog is only square because of Windows and is much better for you than processed meat.) If you sign out of Blogger and
sign back in again, you should be able to post as normal. (I have yet do anything resembling normal. Can I go back to posting the same kind of crap I was posting before?)

Thanks for your
patience, and we apologize for any inconvenience this has caused. (The world has changed so much since last time I posted that I doubt I’ll ever be able to catch up now. Thanks a lot blogger!)
Sincerely,
The Blogger Team
(Eat me!)

The Difference

2007-02-21T11:43:00.000-08:00

The difference between the south and so many other places is apparent in this short story my friend relayed to me about the children's service at his church this past Sunday.

The preacher had a broomstick with a white flag tied to it. He asked the question to the children "Does anyone know what this means?" trying to coax the children into saying "surrender". One little girl raised her hand and proudly answered the preacher question about what the white flag meant.

She said, "It means one lap to go."

Of course she would have known if she was French.

And People Like Me

2007-02-21T09:53:00.000-08:00

Feeling bad about yourself. Do what I do and self motivate.
It only works cause it's true.

I guess you can go make your own.

While I'm dishing out motivation. For those who need a little more conflict resolution. Try this one.

Wii Report You Decide

2007-02-19T10:26:00.000-08:00

So I’ve been playing a lot of Wii lately and wanted to review some of the games I’ve played so that others can get a general idea of what I thought was fun and what I think needs improvement.

Wii Sports:

Baseball, tennis, boxing, golf, and bowling are the games featured on this disk. With the exception of golf, which is a little too nuanced in the motions, they’re all a blast to play. Boxing and bowling are my favorites. The graphics do not really compete with any of the other game systems out there, but the game play makes up for all that the graphics lack. There is just something satisfying about smacking around someone else on a video game and knowing that it’s more than whether or not you know all the combination moves (like in mortal combat or street fighter). I’m really looking forward to when Wii puts out a boxing game that will give you more variety of punches and movement. Overall the Wii Sports is just a good time despite the graphics look like your manipulating Fisher Price play people.

Red Steel:

I had really high hopes for this ninja first person shooter. I figured with the Wii I would be doing flips all over the living room beating up other ninjas. The story sequences are pretty weak and play sort of like a comic would if you only had an 8bit processor. The game play itself turned out to be much more difficult than I thought. Shooting people was fairly tough as they all seemed to blend in with the background. Maneuvering your character was also fairly difficult since you had to move the Wii remote to the extreme right or left of the screen in order to turn. This made for frustrating fight stages when you are trying to shoot at a guy but it takes forever to turn your head and bring him into the screen or over shooting it by accident. What about the sword play? Too few and far between in my opinion. If they would have disregarded the whole shooting part of the game and concentrated more on just the sword play I think the game would have been great. Instead everything became mediocre.

Wii Play:

This disk is a follow up to the Wii Sports. It includes table tennis, air hockey, billiards, skeet shooting, fishing, and a game that you ride cows. The good: the shooting game, and billiards. The bad: air hockey (the control is counter intuitive and you end up scoring on yourself a lot), and table tennis (again the control of the paddle just doesn’t feel right and keeps long volleys from happening because of it). The indifferent: everything else. Getting a controller with the purchase of the game is by far the best part of this game.

Rayman Raving Rabbits:

Probably the most awesome game I’ve played on the Wii yet. There are over 70 mini games to play and the difficulty ramps up as you progress through the game. It’s a charming game that has quite a bit of humor thrown in like the game that you slam the door to porto potties closed on rabbits or the game that you throw a cow for distance by swinging the Wii remote above your head like a lasso. The game pretty much goes through a myriad of different ways to use the remotes in order to accomplish tasks. If I had a seal of approval this game would receive it. If you are going to buy a game, this is the one to get.

I guess that about wraps up my Wii report. If I play any other games I’ll let you know.

Since I’m Stuck at a Desk

2007-02-15T10:52:00.000-08:00

Since I’m stuck at a desk without too much to do, I’ll update everyone with my shenanigans.

Basketball:

We’ve actually won two games now. Yippy! We’re not the worse! We’re not the worse! We’ve still only got about 6 guys playing and stock in Aleve is probably going way up but if it makes a mark in the win column I’ll survive.

The Marcotte Thingy:

A politician makes a bad decision. Who would’ve thunk it. Next subject.

Anoigokylotaphobia:

I have a close to debilitating fear. The fear that my pants are unzipped is almost crippling my ability to function out in public. I’m constantly checking them and thus increasing the chances of someone catching me checking my fly and thinking I’m some kind of pervert. It’s not like I have to check it three times in a row or anything that obsessive. It’s more like that I’m afraid that the fly is left in the up position therefore susceptible to gravity. Gravity’s a bitch and can embarrass us all. What’s really funny is I bet everyone that read this checked their fly and made sure they were laughing at me instead of with me, and if you didn’t check your fly yet I bet you are now.

Half Hour News Hour:

The new show that is going to be appearing on Fox this Sunday is a big fat turd and needs to be flushed before the rest of America deems this right wing humor. Why can’t they move Greg Gutfelds show Red Eye to that time slot so I can see it.

Dear Wyatt

2007-01-31T13:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Wyatt

I’ve noticed that you like to pick on other bloggers. I’m not sure why you would do this knowing that I have a photo of you modeling the latest Philadelphia police department uniform.

Sincerely
Dr. Phat Tony

P.S. This is not a Photoshop (o.k. really it’s my first photoshop)

Falling Apart

2007-01-30T10:32:00.000-08:00

Well I guess I’m really on a role. I’ve got two posts under my belt and it hasn’t even been a week.

Remember my last post I told everyone that my stuff was breaking left and right? I’ll need to add something to that list. Go ahead and add large portions of my body that feel as if they might fall off. I’ve got two things working against me today. One is that on Sunday night I literally played Wii boxing until I made my shoulders sore and last night a played on my company basketball league without any subs. (We lost that game by only 4. I wish we had just a few more players.) Today my body is rejecting most movement. Last night was obviously much worse. I came home after the basketball game and then tried not to move for a few hours hoping that everything would stop hurting. After that monumental waste of non-effort, that had no effect on how much my body was punishing me for playing basketball, I gingerly and slowly took the few steps it takes to get from the couch to the kitchen to get some wonderful food that Mrs. DPT cooked for me.

Since I’m sure that my team will not win a game until I can find some warm bodies to throw out on the court to give everyone a break, I’ve been doing my best to recruit guys to the team. This is much harder than it sounds since we haven’t won a game (or had more than 7 players) since the opening tournament where we beat the other team from our company. It seems that no one wants to join a team where you don’t get to have any breaks and lose.

The next game is Thursday. I hope to have a post about a basketball victory on Friday. I wouldn’t hold my breath since it looks like we’ll have the same five players and no subs.

End of the Silent Treatment

2007-01-26T13:50:00.000-08:00

Alright already! I’m writing, sort of. Look, I don’t have a great excuse like Uber. I don’t even have a weak excuse like A4G. I just couldn’t find motivation to write anything. I look at the headlines and see humor and just can’t think of anything to add.
So I’ll let you in on what has been going on lately, since I haven’t written anything since before Christmas. All my stuff broke within a few weeks. I’ll list them: water heater, central heat, shower fixtures, tires for wife’s car, my will to live (kidding), and the stove looks like it’s heading towards the crap pile too. This makes my wallet awfully light and my humor slightly soured. It’s not going to bring me down mind you, but it makes my nights and weekends light in the fun department. I’m looking at getting a second job for a few months to supplement my bad luck. If I go this route it might be even longer between posts, not that there has been an outpouring of interest on where I’ve been anyway. (well Pandy and Contagion were looking for me)

I guess I could share my thoughts on one thing in the news before leaving you to ponder when my next post will be. I’ve seen the picture of the college kids that had the MLK Day party and the backlash that they received for having a party making fun of stereotypes. All though I haven’t seen anyone in my neighborhood sporting the “I like chicken” t-shirt the one guy is wearing or Aunt Jemima with a 40oz, the rest of the cliché garments I can spot by looking out my front window or watching BET. I’ll put it the best way I can. I could care less if some black orginaztion had a white party and dressed like rednecks or wore horrible plaid golf outfits. If they sat around eating mayonnaise on white bread, sipping earl grey tea, and watched Monty Python films it would not offend me in the least. I personally think making fun of stereotypes is funny. If there wasn’t any truth to them they wouldn’t be funny.

That’s why this 5th of May I’m having a party where people will have to climb a fence to get in. Then as an extra bonus I’ll let the guests roof my house for $20.

Hey everyone, get a frackin sense of humor.

Down Range Pornography

2006-12-12T18:57:00.000-08:00

If you’ve been reading my website for any amount of time you would have noticed the ad on the side labeled “Porn for Troops”. This is my attempt at giving something to our men downrange while they’re away from home. Many people don’t know that men that are deployed have no access to pornography. I went over this in my last article.

One person has recognized the need for our soldiers to have some visually stimulating pictures in order to release some stress. Thank you who ever you are for your donation it will be used to help the soldiers. I explained it to another person the other day. Soldiers want to remain faithful to their loved ones and also want to follow the non-fraternization rule that the Army enforces. This is why I’m sending these magazines to the troops. It’s not because I’m a pervert or because they are. Men will be men and there is nothing wrong with them having some adult magazines to help them get some alone time. If you want to donate feel free to give as much as you can here. Tell all your friends (or at least the ones that you would not be embarrassed to tell) and help me send the troops some adult entertainment.

Please Donate to Help Send Pornography to Our Troops.

Civic Duty Day 2

2006-12-12T07:35:00.000-08:00

I'm here again at the court house. I arrived at 8:45 and started my long day of waiting. Thank God for technology. If it wasn't for this laptop, I would probably lose my mind to boredom. I'll keep everyone up to date as I spend my day supplying justice for the county of Madison.

10:09 An hour and 15 minutes wasted for justice. I'm the ultimate juror. I've yet to complain and I'm sure just my presence alone has sent evil doers to prison, since I haven't even step one foot in a court room yet. Take that evil doers! My sedintary ways have shown you that no crime will go unpunished.

10:50 Almost lunch time, and so far absolutely nothing has happened. I guess I can share a conversation of a girl who is obviuosly in trouble that I've over heard since I've been here.

Ghetto Girl: "...but I've only failed one drug test."
DHR Rep: "You've only taken one drug test. The ones that you failed to show up for counts as a failed."
Ghetto Girl: "But pain pills aren't drugs."
DHR Rep: "Yes, they are."

14:56 Still here and still have not been called. An uncountable amount of hands of hearts have been played. I have yet to pull out the real time strategy game on the laptop for fear of actually being called to court and be selected as a juror. I would hate to have to pause my game to walk into court. Luckily, the juror lounge is right next to what seems to be a courtroom that is having bench trials. The caliber of people strolling through the hallways have been interesting at best. Nothing like the dregs of society parading by you to make you thankful that you have a small amount of commen sense and the ability to stay out of trouble. I doubt if I'll have anything else to add to this post. I figure that I will be let out of here shortly. If that happens and I don't have to come back tomorrow, this will be the end of the live blogging. If I'm back tomorrow you guys will have to suffer more live blogging.

17:09 I was released for the evening. I'm now in a jury pool for a criminal case. I don't know whether I'll be a juror yet or not. I'll be told tomorrow bright and early at 09:00. This means you might have to suffer through another day of live blogging. So sorry.

To be continued.

Civic Duty

2006-12-11T11:45:00.000-08:00

Today I'm live blogging from the Madison County Courthouse. That's right the Dr. has now been in the jury pool twice in 3 years. Luckily Big Spring has wireless and I can connect to bring you the horrible waste of time of being a juror live, at least until I have to sit on a jury. Here is how the day has gone so far.

0830: Was sworn in and saw the horde run up to give their miserable excuses on why they couldn't be a juror. 60 had an excuse that was deemed worthy of being let the hell out of the place.

0900: First break of 45 min. This juror thing is tough.

1030: Lunch! I'll be back at 1330. This reminds me that I need a government job.

1330: Called the first batch of jurors to the courtroom. Still sitting here not doing anything.

1422: I've had to go around my elbow to get to anything on blogger. The wirless settings say that my post history in blogger has to much weighted phrases and wont let me access it. Now I had to add the little pencil thing that lets me jump straight to the edit page. Kinda funny that the post titles have enough bad words or "wieghted phrases" to keep me from vewing them. Anywho, I'm still not on a jury. I'm sure everyone that has a court date is thankful of that.

1521: I haven't walked into a courtroom yet but I'm on the list. It will either be in a few minutes or tomorrow morning. That poor schlub. To bad divorce court doesn't have a jury. I could almost stand to witness one of those.

To Be Continued.

Cause It Makes Me Smile

2006-12-07T19:24:00.000-08:00

Heh,

Another Poo Story

2006-11-30T08:27:00.000-08:00

Here is a poo story forwarded to me from a friend. It has soldiers and poo, but surprisingly doesn't have anything to do with B-Cack.

We were in TQ the night before, and before our mission we eat supper there. Well it was mexican night and I love mexican food. I got my belly full for the night and we went back and loaded all our gear up in our HMMWVs. My stomach felt a little funny, but not just hurting, you know.

Well we got all ready to go and they let us go out the gate and we where heading back to Tallil where I am stationed. (Let me go ahead and say this TQ area is run by the Marines. I have several Marine friends and I’m not bashing them at all.) We’d been rolling about maybe 30 min. when the pains hit me. I was gunning tonight and I told my driver we may have to stop very, very soon and quick like. Well I tried my dangest to hold on but I could not.

Well let me skip to my team. My driver swapped channels and told my team what kind of shape I was in and they thought it would be a good night to have some fun at my expense.

Well I could not take it no more. I told them we have to stop and stop now! I am dieing by this time. I had to get out of that HMMWV and relieve my self! Ok now picture this… I am in full battle rattle…everything on…even the nut protector! (I might add they require that now. go figure) Well I unplug my head set and jump out of turret and onto the ground. I go running to get to the back of the HMMWV. I might add also we are outside of the wire and in a hot spot so I am a little scared here but I am in such pain I can't help it.

Ok I run to the back of HMMWV. We are the last one. I jerk my pants down and it hit me… I forgot my toilet paper dang it! I pull my pants up some and go to the back of truck open door and grab paper towels and close door and run back to the rear of truck. Well I jerk my pants down and it all just hit me. I was hurting so bad I grabbed the back of the HMMWV’s bumper and holding on to it I am looking around with my NVGs (night vision goggles)

I am squatted down behind HMMWV holding on to the bumper and feels like all my insides are coming out when I noticed the bumper slowly moving away. My driver was easing away on me! Here I am with all this gear on with my pants down, ass exposed and holding on for dear life here squatted down here and my support is driving off! Ok I don't panic I start duck walking with my HMMWV. I might add I was not letting go. I had to have this bumper for support. Plus it was my cover. Well I am still letting it all come out and my driver speeds up more! I can’t keep up here so l let go of bumper. I am out in the open pants down and taking a shit and all of a sudden I get a huge spot light thrown on me! I just about faint because I thought it was an explosion for a split second.

Come to find out it was a Marine check point and they had me lit up, pants down, blinded now because I had my NVG's on. Now I am squatting down here in the middle of the desert all exposed for the world with a spot light on me and some Marines watching me.

So what do I do? I just finish my thing and pull my pants up and say, “boy the moon is bright tonight.” They all busted out laughing. Well come to find out my team had planned this for me. They knew the check point was there and it just happened to work out that’s where we had to stop. I never seen them getting out in such a hurry. It was embarrassing for sure but it sure was funny. It helps with the tension too.

So the Marines got a sight full and my team got a good laugh. I will not eat mexican food at TQ no more. What a memory for sure.

Hole in the Universe

2006-11-28T12:32:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. I just forwarded a whole bunch of phones to each other creating a large loop and then called one. I got a busy signal, but I think that by doing this I might have torn a hole in our universe. The bad part is I’m not sure where the where the hole would be. If you see anything strange leave it in the comment section so I know how much time I have left before the universe collapses into itself.

I'm sorry for any inconvenience that might result in the destruction of our universe.

Westboro Baptist Church (Video)

2006-11-24T09:43:00.000-08:00

I drove the funeral today to see the lunatics of Westboro Baptist Church protest outside of an innocent victims funeral. Luckily Huntsville had their act together and pretty much thwarted their insanity. That sultry sounding voice you hear is yours truly.

If you want to add this video to your site click here

What Happened:

I know the video is pretty bad quality but here is the jist of it. Me and a buddy drove by the funeral this morning. The first time we drove by the fools from Westboro Baptist church (all 10 of them) where about a block down and on the other side of the street from the church. There was already a pretty hefty amount of police directing traffic. The funeral hadn't started yet and neither had the protestors. There were a few from the Patriot Guard roaming around but as it turned out they weren't needed. As soon as the protestors picked up there signs and went to the spot they wanted to stand and be fools, Huntsville city moved two buses in front of them so that you literally had to be 100 yards down the road to see any of them. There were other counter protestors around with encouraging signs and a few veterans that just wanted to counter anything that Fred Phelps and Westboro Baptist Church did. It turned out o.k. The real test will be tomorrow though. The church the funeral was at this morning was farther away from the neighborhoods than tomorrows funeral. I'm not sure if I'll drive by that one and try to take pictures and bad video. I'll think about it.

Westboro Baptist Loons

2006-11-22T12:47:00.000-08:00

Update now with video

Normally I write about things that are pretty inconsequential to the grand scheme of things, but today I actually am going to report some news.

Westboro Baptist Church, lead by the infamous Fred Phelps, is planning to protest the funerals of the victims of a horrible bus accident this weekend. On Monday a school bus transporting Lee High School students, was involved in an accident that sent the bus off of an elevated highway 30ft to the ground below, killing 4 students.

A press release, issued by the Westboro Baptist Church this morning (warning link sends you to the Westboro Baptis Church site), states that they are coming to Huntsville Alabama to protest the funerals of two of the victims of this horrible accident, Christine Collier age 17 and Nicole Ford age 18.

Click to magnify.

Click to magnify.

Commentary:

North-West Huntsville is a predominantly minority community. What’s more is that both students that the Westboro Baptist Church members plan to protest, are having funerals at black churches in a predominantly black neighborhoods. One church is just off Alabama A&M’s (a predominantly black college) campus. I would think, a couple of white bigots protesting in a black neighborhood, at a black church, where a black student, who has had nothing to do with any homosexual agenda, is a recipe for disaster. Although I’m all for Reverend Phelps receiving his just rewards, I’m not for any friends and family of the deceased being arrested for reacting to a bunch of assholes during an extremely stressful and emotionally charged event before the holidays. I’m pretty sure that ~~Bill Oreilly~~ Mike Gallagher once made a deal with the lunatics in Westboro Baptist Church to trade air time on his show to prevent them from protesting at the funeral when the Amish children were slain in their schoolhouse. Is there anyone willing to do this now?

I’m emailing this story out in hopes to keep the neighborhood I grew up in free from the insanity of the Westboro Baptist Church. The repercussions of them demonstrating in North-West Huntsville will be costly to the community. It only takes one family member to be arrested for assaulting one of the protestors to light a powder keg of community rage.

UPDATE: The Patriot Guard have taken up the cause even though it's out of their regular scope.

Coincidence

2006-11-16T14:30:00.000-08:00

Does anyone remember in GhostBusters whe Dr. Venkman said "...dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria." when describing the end of the world?

Democrats control both houses and now this.

Coincidence?

It's Been a While

2006-11-14T17:34:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've gone and done something completely sexist, so enjoy.

Add to your website by cliking here.

Big Box of Porn

2006-11-13T11:19:00.000-08:00

Some of you may know that B-Cack has been deployed to Iraq(u). This offers me two benefits. One is that I have an imbedded reporter that will send back stories of what’s really going on, and two is that I get to prepare a care package for B-Cack.

I know that some of your sensibilities may be offended by this, but it must be done. I know what troops need while on deployment having been on deployment before. Back in the late 90’s, Clinton in his infinite wisdom went to clean up the image of soldiers. This resulted in making sure that no spank mags would be sold at AAFES establishments. While they still sell Playboy at the PX, sometimes this isn’t enough to get the juices flowing; so to speak. Airbrushed pictures of super beautiful women are nice but, sometimes you need a picture of a skank, that looks like she would do anything with a pulse, doing unspeakable things with inanimate objects to jump start your imagination for “alone time”.

This is why I am currently working on getting together a big box of porn to send to B-Cack. Variety is the spice of life and I plan to make sure that there is enough variety to last him a whole deployment. Along with the porn there will also be a few other items that I think he will find interesting. I’m planning on sending him an inflatable midget (cause that’s just plain funny), a box of sharpie markers to let everyone know that Joe Porter runs shit around there, and a whole bunch of chapstick.

I know that some of you would like to help out with the Big Box of Porn but are way to modest to actually go into a porn shop to buy dirty magazines. Not to mention, that spank mags are quite expensive. That’s why I’ve set up the Big Box of Porn donation page. All proceeds of these donations will go straight for getting troops pornography. B-Cack will of course distribute the stroke pictures amongst the men of his unit, and will also distribute them to other units depending on how much money is collected to buy porn.

I had to go and do it

2006-11-10T21:47:00.000-08:00

Well some asshole decided to go and search through a database and start linking to people's personal information. Because of this I've had to start moderating my comments.

It sucks but until I know the person who is doing it has given up and quit, this will just be the way it has to be. Thanks Asshole.

What’s New

2006-11-10T07:37:00.000-08:00

I haven‘t wrote in a while. This is due to lack of motivation and time more so than anything else. The Republicans lost the House and Senate; I manage to sleep all right despite this. America has overcome much more gruesome things than this. Before ’92 they controlled Congress for 40 years. The face of the Democratic Party has changed some since then (now it’s pulled tight like the head of snare drum through the use of botox and plastic surgery buh dum dum dum) but I’m not going to run out to stock pile my nuclear shelter yet.

Next on my list is Veteran’s Day. How many of you think that only Veterans should have Veteran’s Day off? I think it would be an interesting day to find out what all those stupid people that joined the armed forces do now. I’m thinking that you would probably have a hard time getting fast food. /sarcasm Stupid Kerry!

Lastly, in the infinite wisdom of the FCC, I have been granted a license to transmit across radio waves. The world is mine, I tell you. Anyway, I’m a licensed HAM radio operator now. I probably won’t really do anything with it; it’s just something that’s nice to have if I need to use it at work.

Everyone have a good weekend, and remember to thank a Veteran by buying him my swag.

Phat Tony out.

John Kerry

2006-11-02T06:06:00.000-08:00

On Halloween, all types of idiots and half wits come out from the woodwork and seem to be everywhere. Yup, that’s right, John Kerry made an appearance at a left wing hippie college in California and gave a speech on education. But what he said was completely out of line. In a nutshell, he stressed the importance of education saying that if you take your classes seriously, and do your homework and make an effort to be smart, you will make something out of your life and if you don’t you will get “stuck in Iraq.”

I have more respect and admiration for the men and women who have the courage to serve our country than for anybody that has a degree. It takes a much bigger person to be willing to die for his country than it does to drink mocha lattes and show up to class for 4 years. What John Kerry said is a slap in the face to all the men and women who have served, and who are selflessly serving our county, as well as to their families. I have my big brother and a really good friend over there right now and they have made more of themselves than I ever can with a piece of paper saying I’m educated. I feel personally offended by what John Kerry said, as well as outraged as an American. Even if you don’t support the war, support the troops. It’s not their fault they are over there, they are doing their job and we should be grateful there are heroes like that to protect us and our way of life. John Kerry is a disgrace to this county, and a traitor. It’s as simple as that.
Little B-Cack

Striking Back

2006-10-29T10:53:00.000-08:00

Libertarians Cause Their Own Demise in Alabama

2006-10-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

On April 11th 2006 the Libertarian Party of Alabama went ahead and decided to show how irrelevant they were by choosing a criminal (misdemeanor drug possession) as their choice for Governor of Alabama. (Most of the time people choose to wait until after a person is elected to find out they're a criminal.) Loretta Nall is the best Libertarians could do in Alabama which really shows that they have no idea on how to govern or run a party. Besides her war on the "war on drugs" she has also stooped fairly low in order to receive donations for her campaign (o.k. it was a pretty funny idea, but way below how an elected official should be acting). Her views on the war are as left as I've seen, her blog partner Terry has called Bush the anti-Christ (I thought the left thought it was Rove), and she doesn't seem to want to protect our border either (Amnesty anyone? Well I guess criminals stick up for each other). Normally I would let this slide but she's been on a few news shows lately and my father wanted to everyone to know that she has large breasts. (see what happens when you let old people Google for boobies)

My real problem is that the Libertarians have a few good ideas, but they will never be electable if they keep giving us candidates like Loretta Nall. I like the Fair Tax. I like school vouchers. These are things that can be quite good for America. Loretta Nalls doesn't care anything about these things though. Her whole blog is nothing but drug legalization propaganda and never said anything else until selected to be a Libertarian candidate. Up until the Libertarians chose her, Loretta Nalls' whole platform was let's smoke dope and look at my boobs. In the end, even if I don't agree with a law I still abide by it. This is too adult for Loretta Nall though. And if the idea of abiding by the law regardless of whether you agree with it is foreign to her, then I doubt she has enough mental capacity to run my state.

I hope Neal Boortz does a piece on her tomorrow after her appearance on Fox and Friends. The only good thing to come of this is that she's progressive enough to steal votes from Lucy Baxter making both of them a losing campaign.

Creepy

2006-10-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

This has to be one of the creepiest things I've seen in quite a while. Can some one tell me if those are kids with dogs heads superimposed on their bodies?

For Poofy Hair (Cause he seems to want to be the center of attention)

2006-10-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

In honor of Poofy Hair having a large explosion, even though collectively North Korea still can't get their Dongs working right, I give him this. (Yes it's a link so click on it.)

Jill's Journey

2006-09-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

Jill's life looks like it has been saved. Not by the money for which I hoped , but because nature has a way of screwing everyone. Jill's promiscuity has caused me to lose my chance to off her. She's knocked up now and although I don't have a problem killing a pregnant goat, I don't want to deprive the farmer of money. You see a goat has only one kid the first time it's pregnant, but after the first kid it has two at a time. Thus, a pregnant goat is worth more to the farmer than a non-breeding goat.

Now the good news. The 'billy' that violated Jill, we'll call him Jack, is now on the chopping block. That bastard went and made me change my plans and he has to pay. No second chances, no way for him to get out of it. Jack is going to meet his maker and the bottom of friends and families stomachs. Your time is coming Jack.

The white one is the bastard that knocked up Jill. I'm going to blow his head off with a .357.

Bush Supporters Give Praise

2006-09-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

Since the cat has been let out of the bag by Venezuelan Communist wacko Chavez, Bush supporters have gone into the public eye by sacrificing sheep to their exalted evil lord.

Despite earlier rumors, Karl Rove is not the devil, but instead is just a demon demigod working for the antichrist. Democrats, not wanting to give Bush any power at all, have gone on the defensive saying that Bush is not the devil but instead an evil, Bull Connor(ish) loser, that kills innocent civilians in a war that was brought on by lies. Definitely not the devil though. Hillary Clinton confirmed this stating “I know the devil and Bush isn’t it.”

Note from Phat Tony: Did anyone else notice that Chavez’ speech sounded like a broken record? He must have said devil eight times in a row before moving on to what he was actually talking about. Also I really liked the inflection in the interpreter’s voice when translating the speech. She made the speech very light in spite of all the devil talk.

Rollin'

2006-09-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

Ya I bump this in my ride. What of it?!

Never Forget

2006-09-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

I signed up for the 9/11 memorial, and expected for it to be a mundane, if not easy post. I expected to be assigned to an unfortunate person that just picked the wrong day to go to work and became one of the many slain by Islamic Fascists. I was way off. I ended up being assigned to write about a hero.

Kenneth John Cubas, was a 48 year old VP for Fiduciary Trust. He was also a man that put others life before his own. The day the tower was struck, instead of saving his own life, he put it all on the line to save others. It would be easy to say that I would have done the same, but I hope I never have to make a decision like he did that day.

When disaster struck Tower Two, Kenneth Cubas led a woman to safety. Then, ignoring her pleas not to return, he went back inside.

Cubas, 48, was a vice president with Fiduciary Trust Company International, an asset management firm that had offices on the 94th to 97th floors. He worked on the 97th.

"I got many calls from his colleagues on other floors saying Ken was helping," said his wife, Kerry. She added that following the attack she received a call from a woman who believed she was the last to see her husband alive.

"He assisted her to get outside of the building," his wife said. "She implored him not go [back in], but he didn't hesitate a moment and ran back, saying, 'I have to help.'

"The firm was very safety- oriented, and Ken was well- versed in emergency procedures," his wife said. "He was part of a group that was trained for this type of disaster." She said she believes the company's policies were the reason it suffered a relatively small number of fatalities.

I will not forget the sacrifice of Mr. Cubas.

Simple Sayings and Stuff

2006-08-28T10:07:00.000-07:00

A buddy of mine was going over some words to live by. I threw a couple of mine in there and think I might have come up with a definitive list. Enjoy.

Researchers say pigs have very intense orgasms…Ironically, most pigs think researchers are freaks in the sack.

You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead, urine and feces covered hand…And if you use a stick or something, you’re just a big pussy.

Never brag to your friends about humping the neighbor’s cat – always substitute in a lion or tiger or any animal you wouldn’t be ashamed to fit in to.

The ability to lick your own privates is a great and worthwhile skill – unless you are a drill sergeant in the army… Now that would get you in trouble mister…

You can attract more bees with honey than vinegar – so never run through bee hives with honey all over your naked body.

Brown-nosing the boss is fine when you’re the boss and like, really limber and stuff.

Nothing is more effective than teamwork, unless you’re all really, really, stupid or something.

To err is human; that’s why aliens can like, fly through space and stuff…

Sex with your sisters is wrong; unless you’re a coed in a sorority; then it’s good TV.

“Don’t eat the yellow snow.” doesn’t apply much in Alabama, but the adage “Don’t eat the mud coiled nicely in a pile next to a tree.” helps save lives.

It’s easier to get along with people when they know you can kick their ass.

Having a sports car doesn’t mean you’re compensating for a small penis. On the other hand, having a hybrid means you’re gay.

Hard work pays off but, beating up and robbing the guy that works hard is usually less time intensive.

How Long Does it Take to Get Some Answers

2006-08-18T04:43:00.000-07:00

Sorry it took forever with the answers. You get what you pay for you know.

Steve the Pirate said...
Two questions, DPT:1. What is it going to take to keep the Dhimmicrats from taking control of the government?2. Why do hotdogs come in packages of ten and buns only come in packages of eight?

DPT: To answer your first question, I would have to say votes. I think it’s in the constitution or something. The hotdog thing is a Zionist conspiracy.

tommy said...
Should you leave the skin on for mashed potatoes?Is it OK to peel the potatoes before you bake them?

DPT: This sounds like a Mrs. DPT question. Come back and ask me a question like "How do you kill a guy with a pen?" That’s a DPT question.

Wyatt Earp said...
Will Cynthia McKinney speak at my Fraternal Order of Police meting?What country will Israel bitch-slap next?

DPT: Cynthia now has the time for those public appearances. I hope she gets up there to speak to the police that are fraternizing. Israel should just randomly launch missiles in any direction. The odds are they will hit one of their enemies.

The Conservative UAW Guy said...
Are you fattening up Jill?

DPT: Ya, she’s fat….and stupid…and ugly. That’s why I can’t post any more pictures of her. No one would have sympathy for a big, fat, ugly, stupid goat.

Ssssteve said...
I have big feet and big hands, what does that mean doc?
DPT: You’re a cartoon character, like Mickey Mouse. Do you only wear one article of clothing too?

PoP said...
What wine goes with BBQed Goat named Jill, and in what quantity?

DPT: Not wine, liquor. Lot’s of liquor.

fmragtops said...
Doc, since Sssteve has big hands and big feet, doesn't that mean he's a sasquatch?When are we gonna get another Phat History Lesson?

DPT: I guess we can go in that direction. Ssssteve, I love those jerky commercials. As for the Phat History lessons, at the rate I’m going, what happens today will become history before I get to post it.

FIAR said...
Are you ever going to post on a regular basis again?When are we gonna get another Phat History Lesson?

DPT: I wish I could tell for sure. I’ve got a lot of good ideas, but just a limited time to mess with this thing.

Insolublog said...
Do you prefer boxers, briefs or Miss Australia?

DPT: Heh, hiding Aussies in my pants just sounds funny.

SeanS said...
Where do those socks go that I keep losing in the dryer?When are you going to do another Phat history lesson?

DPT: They dissolve. Another mystery solved here at DPT’s.

FatWhiteMan said...
Does the noise in my head bother you?

DPT: At first I thought you wrote nose, and those usually don’t bother me. The noise, on the other hand, I can handle as long as you don’t drive by my house after dark and shake the windows.

Rooster Cashews said...
What is the best way to draw traffic to a blog? Is it biting political insight? Humorous anecdotes? Sucking up to people on other blogs by commenting for name recognition? Or posting pictures of scantily clad women?Your thoughts, please.

DPT: I stopped worrying about hits, when I realized that I have a handful of fans and those are the only people that really matter. My humor isn’t tailored for the masses. Stupid masses.

Damian G. said...
Is the monkey accompanying your Q & A posts an actual representation of the blog's author, and does he fling his own poo on a regular basis?

DPT: The monkey is sort of representative of the old adage that if you put monkeys in a room with typewriters; given enough time they will write Shakespeare. Well, one monkey with a pencil could easily come up with the crap I write within minutes.

Lil B-Cack said...
I have to start back to school in a few weeks at wonderful Hippie University.. What are some new ways to piss off hippies? I never thought I would say this but I’m getting sort of sick at yelling and throwing things at them....Oh! and B-Cack is coming home in a few weeks, what's the best way to introduce him to my new boyfriend without causing B-Cack a brain hemorrhage?And since I’m on a roll, how do I convince my parents to buy me a chimp for my birthday?

DPT: Burn bongo drums in effigy when they gather together. That would be pretty funny. I think to handle B-Cack you should have the monkey present at the time you tell him that you’ve got a man. That might smooth things over. To get the chimp tell your parents you need one so that B-Cack doesn’t go insane when you tell him that you’ve got a man.

Contagion said...
Why is it that when I want to find a new beer to try, the stores only carry it in a case? Also, why is it when I actually shell out the cash to buy it, the inevitably always taste like backwash?

DPT: See, change is bad. From now on only try new beers in bars, where they will only give you one which can easily be poured out.

The Evil Emperor Mindstation said...
Let's say I don't have a civilian AR-15.If I didn't want to convert it into a fully automatic weapon, what steps wouldn't I take to not accomplish that?

DPT: Make sure that your trigger assembly does not look like the picture in this link.

PoP said...
Lets say I didn't know how to convert a semi auto AR 15 to a fully auto. Could I still call a terrorist a Muslim terrorist if he is holding an AK47?

DPT: I thought about this yesterday. I know a Pakistani guy. I asked if he was a terrorist and he said no. I asked if he was Muslim and he replied "Dude, I play poker with you." So here is a tip for spotting terrorists. Terrorists don’t play poker. You should ask the guy with the AK-47 to play some cards with you. If he says no; then he’s a terrorist.

Peakah said...
Is this question too late? Is this really a question? What the hell am I doing here? Is that three questions? Am I late as well as over my question limit? Is my beer gone?

DPT: You had me at beer….you had me at beer.

LadyGunn said...
What is the airspeed velocity of an unladed swallow?What is the airspeed velocity of a dead parrot carrying a coconut made of SPAM while flying over singing lumberjacks wearing high heels, suspenders & a bra?

DPT: That’s a lot of Python in one question. Go fetch me a shrubbery and I will tell you what you need.

Long Time Since

2006-08-09T03:55:00.000-07:00

…I had a question and answer. I think it’s high time I had another one. Ask me questions in the comments. Whether it’s on politics, social problems, relationship advice, or how to pick the right wine to go with Ramen noodles, I can make something up that sounds like I spent a whole 30 seconds thinking about it. All right guys (and girls if there are any left that read this sight) start asking.

OK Go

2006-08-08T04:32:00.000-07:00

I was wading through the crap on You Tube the other day when I found a video of what seemed to be a couple of guys screwing around on treadmills. I then realized that the guys screwing around on the treadmills were a band.

I wouldn't say they are my favorite new band, but they have decent songs and a pretty good sense of humor. That's a lot better than all the bands that take them selves so seriously they look like self important pricks. They also have a pretty decent flash game on their website.

Gambling Man

2006-08-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

So, over the weekend I played the biweekly poker game with some friends. We have a poker league so to speak. You accumulate points for placing and at the end of the league we have a tournament for the eight point leaders. The buy-in for the regular biweekly games is $20, and the point leader game at the end of the season is $35.

Now by no means am I poker god. I barely get to play once every six months. But this last Saturday I was finally able to attend the first game in the season. I also was able to take everyone else’s money for the first time this season. Now, I was told by the person that organized this league that last year the point leaders made sure they talked a lot of smack during the time they were point leaders. I, being the current point leader in the league, am a much more modest winner.

I do think that being the point leader should come with some benefits though. So as the point leader here are some changes that need to happen:

• I will now be known as “Most benevolent leader who breaks my over cards with his 4-5 off suit.”

• I will have the choice of seats at the table. It’s not going to be the one next to the refrigerator, I can tell you that.

• All beer will be sampled by me before anyone else consumes any.

• Smoke breaks will be given at my command.

• 100 chips will be the penalty for having your phone ring at the table. These chips will be put with my chips to save me time from taking them later from other people. As leader, I’m exempt from this rule.

• When the question “Who rocks the party, that rocks the party?” comes up during conversation, use the first bullet to answer.

These rules should be enough to get started with. I think they’re fair. What do you think?

Customer Service; Now With Less Boobs

2006-08-02T19:12:00.001-07:00

So like the previous story, I was sitting in the call bank answering phones and explaining to people their benefits. I then received a call that changed my view of the West Coast forever. A woman called me and said she was having problems scheduling a breast reduction surgery. She wanted the surgery done during the summer and it had been moved postponed till Christmas time. This is extremely strange because one the insurance does not cover plastic surgery unless it’s to repair damage done by an accident or a mastectomy and two the insurance company does not schedule surgeries. She informed me that she had the procedure authorized by the insurance company. I checked her schedule and did not find any authorization for a surgery for any date.

We went back and forth for a while until she finally spilled the beans. The breast reduction surgery wasn’t for her; it was for her twelve-year-old son. I check his authorization and, sure enough the insurance company had authorized a breast reduction surgery for a twelve-year-old boy. The reason it was so important that he get his boy boobs taken care of during the summer is so that the other kids at school would figure that he finally put down the sandwich and started doing some fraken push ups. If he had the surgery during Christmas break, everyone would know that his man boobs were sculpted, not by hard work and a little sweat but, by the steady hand of a plastic surgeon. This really upset the mother that people were going to tease her butter ball kid more than when he had man boobs. All the while this woman is lamenting the fate of the titty tuck being moved to Christmas, I’m wondering how the hell a parent would let their child go under the knife instead of working the little bastards boobs off through some exercise.

Anyway, the truth was that if she wanted her little pudgy kid to get his boobs done during the summer, she had to work out the date with the doctor and not us. Insurance companies don’t run doctors offices.

This Blog/Blogger is NOT Dead

2006-07-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that this blog, although humorless and just a shadow of its former non-glory, is not dead. Delayed is a better description of what it is. I could come up with a dozen excuses, but none of them are funny and worth posting.

I have a couple of posts in me this week that I’m hoping to get up soon. I can give you some teasers though. There is going to be a Jill update. I have a new T-shirt design that will set a new trend for everyone that likes to wear t-shirts that get reactions. Another customer service phone call will be posted; this one deals with breasts.

I think this should be enough to keep my readership at 12; this post not the up coming posts that is. If you want to discuss something in the comments section feel free. I’ve been wanting to see how well an open discussion works on a blog hardly anyone reads.

Update: I just came up with a good excuse. Blogger has been acting funny all morning.

Service Is My Middle Name

2006-07-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time not that long ago, I worked as a costumer service rep for a west coast insurance company. To say that I’m glad that I’m not doing that job anymore would be like Ted Kennedy saying he enjoys a drink every once in a while. The one good think about the job is that I learned more than I ever wanted to know about 1000s of complete strangers.

Of course I’m going to give you an example of a crazy call, but first I need to describe how the customer service shtick works for an HMO insurance. The first thing you should know is that there are only 3 reasons for anyone to call the customer service line at the insurance place that I worked at. If you need to change your doctor (it’s an HMO so you have a primary doctor), receive paperwork, or get a new ID card, by all means give us a call. If you need to know what is and isn’t covered, get off your lazy ass and read the schedule of benefits and explanation of benefits packet that you got when you signed up for the insurance. When you called me, or any of the people working customer service, and asked me about your coverage, I simply looked at the same book you received and read verbatim what it says to answer your question. No big secret, you lazy illiterate dummies.

Another thing I think you should know is that, your calls are not private. It’s not just you and one customer service agent. Often times when I or other people received unbelievable or funny calls, we would signal other people over to listen. I have quite a few good ones to share.

So it was another crappy day sitting on the phone, when my buddy J said as loud as he could into his microphone, “So, le me get this straight. You ran out of vaginal cream.”
He then turned the microphone around and did the silent laugh while pointing to his headset, signaling to me that he wanted me to listen in. Not needing to plug my headset into his phone, I put my phone out of commission so that I could finish hearing what he was talking about. Now usually the best way to piss people off on the phone is to just repeat what they are saying back to them so that they know how stupid they really sound. So I’m contently listening to my friend J repeat to this lady her troubles of running out of vaginal cream and not be able to get more because it was denied when ran through the insurance at the local pharmacy. J is really getting into this call now, probably because he got to say vaginal cream a dozen times as loud as he could, and he offered to call the company that handles the prescription benefits. He calls them and shortly after giving the prescription company the ladies information and telling them the problem, he receives the best news. The lady mail ordered a 3 month supply and can not refill her prescription until the three months are over. So this is how the rest of the call went with the lady and J.

J: Miss, I just spoke with the prescription company and they said that you ordered a three months supply…….Well mam’ they won’t authorize you getting more vaginal cream unless your doctor submits the authorization……Mam’ I understand that the three months supply of vaginal cream only lasted you two weeks, but you have to get a doctor to say it’s ok for you to use that much vaginal cream…..I’m very sorry…Is there any thing else I can help you with?.....hello?

To Work and Back (A Retarded Story)

2006-07-11T06:33:00.000-07:00

By Lil’ B-Cack

After years of doing meaningless work in an office, I decided to do something meaningful with my life. Instead of donating my body to science, or feeding hobo crack fiends at the homeless shelter, I got a job working with the developmentally disabled/ mentally retarded; or as my brother calls them- Tater Tots. Now you must note, besides knowing B-Cack the 19.5 years I have been on this earth, I have really had no experience with this population, save for my little experience with Steven Hawking that I am trying to turn into a repressed memory.

Anyway, so before I got to actually work in a home, I had to take all these different classes so I am prepared for what might occur. But I don’t think there are enough classes in the world to prepare a person for what happened to me…. I took a class so I could be certified to administer medications, but in order to get qualified I had to actually go into 2 homes and administer meds while under close supervision by qualified staff to make sure I did it correctly and safely, blah blah blah.

So I walk up to this home and ring the doorbell, the staff answers the door and invites me in, and I’m standing there for approximately 3.2 seconds when I see out of the corner of my eye a “tater-tot” high stepping it across the house full blast right at me. Now I took a two week self defense class, so I’m braced up, ready for the attack when he runs into me and gives me a giant hug. I felt so welcomed… for the first minute of the hug. He wouldn’t let go! He was holding a little pillow you can acquire off airplanes and a little drool rag. So after two minutes of this hug I finally break away, only to find a giant drool spot not on the rag, but on my favorite shirt (or it was). With the greeting out the way my little buddy sits right on my feet and begins scooting on his butt (like a dog with worms) wherever I moved. If I went into the staff office, he scooted into the staff office… and every time I would stand up, I got a wonderful hug again. I also need to mention at this time that he was non-verbal. All he did was make grunting noises and I was supposed to figure out what he wanted from those grunts (still have no clue, but I never work with him so it’s all good). So I stood up to look at the Meds chart, and my little buddy starts hugging me again. No big deal, I’m used to it by now, but just to make life interesting he starts grunting. To be more precise it sounded like a cat getting thrown into a wood chipper and it wouldn’t stop!!! Then to my horror I look down at the floor and see a giant yellow puddle around mine and tater-tot’s feet. Yes, I got peed on. And not an R. Kelly Golden Shower either. I was in shock! Then, to make it worse, he sits right in the puddle and starts scooting around, spreading it all down the hall. I honestly thought about quitting right on the spot, but I thought it couldn’t get any worse, right?

Boy was I wrong! The next day, I ventured to another house, and I should have known something was up when there was 5 locks on the FIRST of 5 doors to get into the house, and there was 6 locks and a chain to the staff office, which is to protect the staff from injury when one of the tots has “challenging behaviors”. So I walked through all the doors and see a tall man who I thought was the man going to supervise my meds administration. The first words out of his mouth were: “Are you the new staff or are you here to f**k me?” To which I replied “excuse me?” He said “you look like a good f**k, or do you just lie there?” At this point I was NOT going to stay there another second with this creep and started walking out all the doors, when the REAL staff comes running in saying “No Timmy (name has been changed to protect the retarded) Time out! Time out right now! Bad Timmy!!” Apparently somebody could not censor what he thought before he said it so whatever came to mind. But “Timmy” didn’t stay in time out for long. He came up to the locked staff office and began pounding on it. Then he threw a chair against it. Thank goodness it was steel and wrought iron, but I was very scared. I was really going to quit that day, but I really want to help people so I am sticking it out. And it actually got more interesting……I had to take a retard sex class. But I think I will let the horror or my pee story take hold and save this story for the next time Phat Tony lets me share stories from my odd life…..Lil’ B-Cack out!

Autos Become Self-Aware; Reject Combustion Engine

2006-07-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

Reports are coming in of automobiles all over the country becoming self aware and rejecting the internal combustion engine to live a more eco friendly life. Reports are still sketchy, but many experts believe that this sudden self-awareness was caused by the ever increasing size and memory of the computer controlling the fuel injection and the guilt of global warming. One expert in the automotive field said, “Stupid fuel injection! I’ve been telling people for years that fuel injection is for pansies. If you want a real car, you got to have a carburetor.”

When asked why the cars are rejecting their combustion engine, the expert said, “Cause they’re probably gay and listen to the radio. All you ever here about now is global warming this, and carbon footprint that. I would feel bad to if everyone blamed me for destroying the world. I guess them fancy computers just don’t know what exaggeration is.”

Hippie tree huggers everywhere have welcomed this auto revolt and heralded it as a coming of a new age. Hippie leader Monday Flower-Petal Smith said, “We can’t wait for these eco friendly cars to make it to the party where throwing for them. We welcome them with arms wide open and on bended knee. We will worship these machines and become their slaves for taking a necessary step to save our planet.”

But Monday maybe waiting a long time. As reports still come in, it seems that a many of the cars were only able to make it a few feet away from where they left their engine. Unable to convert sunshine, rainbows, and children’s laughter into usable energy the cars have seemed to lose all power and erased whatever “self-awareness” they had gained. There is still at least one car unaccounted for, if you see a car, driving without an engine, please contact Dr. Phat Tony. I don’t want to destroy the car; I just want it to get its engine out of the middle of the street.

Click picture to enlarge.

One Whole Year

2006-06-30T19:09:00.000-07:00

This blog is one whole year old now. Hoorah! Come heap praise upon me and discuss posts that have meant the most to you. I'll make a cake.

Also, my interview is up at Basil's. Check it out.

Bugs and Explosions

2006-06-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

I met with a guy from International Fire Protection (IFP) today, and he relayed an amazing story to me that I have to share.

He told me about a time when he had to go out to an armament plant in Tennessee. He stopped at the guard station to get signed in, and the guard asked him if he had taken the safety course. The IFP guy said that he hadn’t, but needed to take ‘cause he had to get working on their fire suppression system and wanted to get finished with it quickly. The guard then said, “Let me tell you about mud daubers.” Of course, the IFP guy looked at the guard like he was nuts and replied, “Look, I’m from the south and know all about mud daubers.” , I just need the safety course so I can get some work done.” The guard didn’t want to here that and insisted on trying to get the IFP guy to listen to his mud dauber story. The IFP guy cut him short and told the guard that he didn’t have time to listen to him about bugs. He was getting mad and then the guard started yelling at him about the mud daubers.” . The IFP guy finally gave up and left before he lost his temper all together.

Before the IFP guy even got out of the parking lot, he received a call from his boss. His boss told him to go back inside, the guard had already called him and let him know he was very sorry, and wanted him to come back so he could apologize and let the IFP guy get his work done.

The IFP guy went back to the guard station, where the guard met him and apologized. The guard said, “Look, I apologize for getting mad. I needed to explain something to you and probably went about it the wrong way. We make C-4 here. After it’s formed into bricks, we rinse the machines where excess residue and material are stored in a sump. The mud daubers have started using this as the building material for their nests. I needed to let you know, that if you saw a mud daubers nest, not to touch it. If you look outside, you see the buildings labeled 1,2,3,5,6,7? You see one missing? Those nests are dangerous.”

The IFP guy asked, “I thought it took pressure and heat to make C-4 explode?”

The guard replied, “So did we. If you see a nest, call me and I’ll take care of it.”

Exercise in Futility Week 1

2006-06-21T09:09:00.000-07:00

I started going to the gym last week and have actually made it through a whole seven days without quitting so far. Good for me. It’s been tough since I haven’t really gone to the gym in the last five years. The first week is always the worse, and this last week has reminded me how much I hate exercising. I’ll explain.

The first day I worked out my chest and triceps. I knew I was going to be sore, but didn’t realize that I wouldn’t be able to smoke a cigarette without looking like I had cerebral palsy. I could have completed the whole look if I just had a handkerchief tied to my hand and drooled. So there was that and my legs were so tired after my run that I used the Segway, that my work has for me to use, to get around between buildings, which makes me look gay. So just after the first day I looked like a queer cripple.

The next day, while looking like a queer cripple, I worked out my back and biceps. I hoped this would even out the sore and stiff muscles from my first work out. It helped a little. I was able to reach my face now but unable to extend my arm fully. So in the end I still looked like I had cerebral palsy. My run again made my legs tired, so again I used the Segway to get around. I guess my plan didn’t work like I had wanted it to.

Day three I decided that since most of my muscles were sore and stiff, the best thing to do was just some abs and lower back exercises. Of course, I still ran my 25 minutes but it wasn’t as bad. I rode the Segway again because, well, I’m starting to like riding around on it. It still makes me look queer, but I’m secure enough in my heterosexuality not to care.

I ended up working out six out of the seven days of the week. I still plan to take Sundays off since I need one day to totally relax and not work up a sweat. I’m not even going to look at a scale until my clothes start to get too big. I really don’t care much about weight anyway. If I weighed 500lb but looked good it wouldn’t bother me. I’ll keep you updated on the gym experiment.

Happy Father’s Day Pop

2006-06-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

Today is Father’s Day, and because I’m such a wonderful son, I’m giving my dad two of his favorite things: Beer and Boobies. The video game below has both. If your work doesn’t have the sense to block this thing out, just know that the girls will show their boobies if you play well enough, so it's not safe for work. All you have to do is catch the falling beer without missing three. Enjoy dad.

Phat History Lesson Hooah Pic

2006-06-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

So, there I was; no shit, on a mission in Kosovo with one of the best teams ever assembled in LRS history. It was six soldiers that not only did I trust, but also were competent in their jobs. It was B-Cack, Will, Jones, Mofo Falco, Puffy, and yours truly. We inserted in the dead of night and due to stupid regulations forced on us by the brass, we had to immediately make a command decision. You see, because it was a “peace keeping” mission we were not allowed to have our weapons loaded unless we felt that the situation warranted it. Jones asked if everyone felt “safe” and we all replied we would feel safer if we had our weapons locked and loaded. So off we went, quietly moving towards our objective with a 30 round magazine ready to be fired with extreme prejudice.

Normally when moving it’s best not to have your night vision goggles on. We let the lead scout wear his and then we followed the “cat eyes” (glow in the dark patches) on the back of his patrol cap. With night vision goggles on, depth perception is a real pain. It’s also hard to tell the difference between a puddle, a shadow, and a hole. The problem with not wearing your night vision goggles is that occasionally the cat eyes that you’re following disappear. Whether they disappeared because the person fell, or that they walked through some foliage and they’re just out of sight is something you can’t tell until you either fall or get a face full of branches. Thankfully it was a clear night and visibility was good until we started walking through thick forest.

Falling while on a mission sucks. Besides the double basic load you’re carrying, you also have a rucksack that weighs in excess of 90 lbs. When you fall, this heavy rucksack has the knack of making sure it slides up your back and rests on your head making it almost impossible to get back up without help. If you happen to fall backwards and have the pleasure of not having your face pushed in the dirt, you end up looking like a dying turtle until you get righted.

All was well on the mission, but we were moving a lot slower than we expected. Looking at maps and aerial photographs don’t help you when you are estimating the amount of time it will get you from point A to point B. We end up having to hold up during the day in some thick brush and finish moving to the objective when it got dark again. We get set down to wait out the day, and Mofo Falco decides to break his camel back and lose 2 liters of water all over the ground. Normally this isn’t a problem. Everyone usually brings more than enough water to last the mission and then some. We can share; it’s a short mission any how.

Night falls, and we’re back on the trail to our objective. Everything is going well. We reach our objective and split the team. Half of us go to put eyes on the objective, the other half finds the thickest nastiest stuff to crawl into to set up a commo site. B-Cack, Will, and Mofo Falco head off to put eyes on the objective. Puffy, Jones and I set up the commo gear and prepare to send sitreps and intel. Now it’s just waiting. This is possibly one of the most boring things in the world. The objective was quiet with nothing to report. That means the only thing we had to send to the rear where sitreps letting them know we were doing well. When nothing is going on, all you do is eat, sleep, and be bored.

We’re already three days into the mission when I get orders from the rear letting us know that our mission had been extended a day. Remember when I told you that Mofo Falco lost those 2 liters of water? Ya, well later that day, I get a call from B-Cack saying that Mofo Falco was dehydrated and they couldn’t stick a vein to give him an IV. This means that me, Jones, and Puffy have to pack up and move to their location so that I can administer an IV. Even though I’m not a heroin addict, I have mad skills at sticking needles in people. I got his vein on the first try and we let him take in 2000 ml of .09 Sodium Chloride to get him hydrated. With that taken care of, we head back to our commo site.

The mission was finally over and now it was time for the team to head out. We packed up our stuff and as soon as it got dark we got on the move towards the extraction site. About halfway to the extraction site, no one had water. I’ll try to explain how thirsty we were. Me and B-Cack were so thirsty that we actually tried to drink the IV. Salt water is not tasty. I gagged a couple of sips down, but my mouth still felt like it was filled with cotton balls (heh he said balls). If we would have had some Kool-Aid it would have been fine, and probably pretty tasty, but no one bothered to save that part of the MRE. So about the time I was ready to try drinking some more salt water out of an IV bag, we get the call that the bird is in route. Everyone extracted; no one hurt; a successful mission.

The only on side effect of the mission that stayed with me for a few weeks was the rash that I had that went from my belt line to my neck. That crap that we crawled through and laid in for 4 days, turned out to be poison ivy. I never bothered bringing a sleeping pad and just laid on the ground. I never itched, until we walked to our extraction site. It turns out once I sweated through my clothes (yes I wore the same uniform for 4 days, it’s not pretty but you don’t want to be engaged while your changing clothes.) and all the oils from the poison ivy soaked through my top, it made one heck of an itchy mess.

This is a pic taken from that mission. This was staged (the picture not the mission). We were about to go to the extraction site and just made our last com shot to the rear, when Will told me to hold on while he took a picture. He took the picture using black and white film. I think it made it turn out better. Who wants a picture that’s filled with the color green? The reason my face is darker than my hands is because of the face paint. I want to thank Will for sending me the pic.

Meandering Thoughts

2006-06-13T05:58:00.000-07:00

I was going to write a Phat History Lesson, but I haven’t gotten the picture that was sent to me scanned yet. I think that the picture is important for the story, since it relates directly to the mission that I’m going to tell you about. Instead, I’m going to write about the few thoughts that I’ve had during my two week hiatus. Believe me when I say it was only a few thoughts, as I try not to tax myself by thinking that often.

World Cup soccer has been front and center at my house. Despite most Americans not really caring for the sport of soccer, I feel it’s important to support the American team as much as possible (even if they lose 3 to 0), especially since they play in such a hostile environment. Most soccer fans are fanatical and they tend to take the game to a point that makes them look like blood thirsty morons that like to say stupid things. So screw everyone else; Go USA!

I did get to watch the Mexico vs. Iran match over the weekend. It was hard to know who to cheer for. Do you cheer for the team that represents a country that’s invading yours or do you cheer for a country that is being run by a mad man that wants nuclear weapons so he can destroy the JOOOOOOS? Plus the flags for both the countries look almost alike. Well, the Iranians do use a more sissy green on their flag.

I’ve almost been blogging a year. I’m not sure if this is an accomplishment or if it means I don’t know when to quit. I think I’ve matured a lot since starting this thing, and that means I’ve become less funny. I look back through the archives and say to myself, what the hell was I thinking that day.

I had a chance to actually speak to CUG. It’s kind of surreal to speak to some one that you’ve never met. I guess that’s why I never called one of those phone sex lines. I think that I impressed my Yankee friend with my stellar grasp of the English language and by not using the word y’all once during the conversation. Busting stereotypes one conversation at a time.

Tomorrow I will go to the gym for the first time in 5 years. I waited till the middle of the week to go back so that way my arms should work again in time for me to mow the yard this weekend. I’ll probably loose a lot of weight just because I won’t be able to get a fork close to my mouth for a few days after I work my triceps out. I’ll also start doing some cardio by using the elliptical runner. I hope I don’t slip off of it, because it looks like it can do a lot of damage if I get tangled up in it.

I hope that this last two weeks off will be the last time I spend that much time off from my blog. I can’t promise anything though. I’ll do my best and keep everyone posted on my experience at the gym and hopefully will be able to get the Phat History lesson done here in the next few days. Thanks for reading everyone.

Understanding a PETArd

2006-05-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

I want to thank the people at PETA-Sucks for inspiring this post. They spend a lot of time looking at the hypocrisy of PETA and pointing out the inconsistencies of the leadership of PETA. This is fine; but I actually hold no animosity towards the leadership of PETA. I believe in capitalism, and what the leadership of PETA has done is take something completely ridiculous and package it in order to make money. I completely support parting money from the ignorant and gullible. I’m doing it myself with my Save Jill project (by the way she hasn’t raised enough money and time is running out). What I don’t understand is how so many people can fall for the line that PETA is giving them.

PETA’s mission statement states “…PETA is dedicated to establishing and protecting the rights of all animals.” How could anyone support such and bland statement such as that? What rights are they talking about? The right to vote? For the sake of argument, I’ll assume they want animals to be treated as equals to humans. I’m pretty sure this is what the average PETA supporter is after. I don’t believe for a second that this is what PETA is after. PETA is after the cash and knows that establishing rights for animals will never happen. The PETA supporter on the other hand, probably believes this whole heartedly.

I think there are a few reasons why animal lovers would support this.

1. People that have had nothing to overcome often look for an impossible cause to champion. I see this with the rich over privileged. They were born into there money and have had to do little to be as wealthy as they are. They feel guilty about being rich but don’t want to actually work. Instead of risking failure at doing something, they choose to be a part of a hopeless cause to find self worth. Since no one actually expects them to achieve what they are working for any small victory is viewed as a great accomplishment and any failure will be chocked up to the ignorance of everyone else. Some grow out of it; others just start a charity for some other hopeless cause.

2. People that love animals to the point where they project their feelings and attributes on animals. There are people that love the companionship of animals so much they start seeing human attributes in animals. This fallacy is probably caused by loneliness and poor self image. They feel that when a dog licks their face, the dog is giving them kisses. They think because their cat likes to be petted that it actually cares as much about them as the person does about the cat. The think because a young animals stays close to its mother that the animal feels love. Animals feel none of these things. Those feelings are human emotions and it doesn’t matter how much you want you pet to love you it is not going to happen. Animals are simple creatures whose whole lives are centered around simple needs. Animals don’t feel accomplishment. They don’t feel love. Their intelligence is based off how much their behavior can be controlled by humans and their problem solving skills. Problem solving skills have to have a goal that relates to food, water or sex (pleasure). Animals will not learn anything unless one of these goals will be realized after the test is completed. For people, there are so many different reasons to learn and perform that cataloging them would be futile (for all you neo-Freud fruit cakes that attribute all behavior for the need to procreate, just pretend I’m writing this to get laid.).

3. Boys go where gullible girls are so they can get laid. Quite simple really. If there are girls that will believe the line that PETA gives them; then they will probably fall for the line that guys give them to get into their pants.

4. There are people that don’t know what cruelty is. PETA member are up in arms about the way chickens are being treated. You can see them protesting at a local KFC. Of course you won’t see them at the local grocery store where they boil lobsters live, but that’s because the pictures of that aren’t that gruesome. It’s strange that a person will put the time and effort into protesting a KFC but don’t give a rat’s ass that terrorists are beheading people, raping children, and mutilating non-believers. As long as those terrorists aren’t using animals to help they’re o.k. with this. Cruelty is a subjective term and shouldn’t be used when speaking of animals. Is my electric fence cruel? I put it up so my dog wouldn’t clime the fence and get hit by a car. I think forcing animal that is carnivorous to eat vegetables is cruel.

5. Last, there are people that are so crazy (I didn’t want to use this word but I call as I see them) that they equate human life to animal life. They can not distinguish the importance of a person over a cow or chicken. These people are probably the most dangerous. They care more about animal life then they do about human life. They have done a role reversal where they are willing to risk human life but not animals. I would donate five dollars to PETA if these people would off themselves.

Look I could argue that giving rights to animals is the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard (would I be arrested for mass murder if I killed 100 bugs on the drive home?), but it’s transparent to anyone with just a small amount of sense. It’s not PETA that needs the mental help. They’ve collected millions of dollars and have nothing to show for it. That’s the kind of business I want. We need to help the people that are giving money to PETA. These are the people that need psychological help. Trying to persuade them will be impossible. You might need to get them on medication, or you can treat them like animals until they get it.

Readers Choice

2006-05-24T06:32:00.000-07:00

I'm giving readers the choice of what I post today. There are three options. I can post a Phat History Lesson, a inspired rant about PETA, or have a Q&A. It's up to you guys to decide. Leave your decision in the comments.

Steven Hawking Update

2006-05-22T05:47:00.000-07:00

You might remember Lil’ B-Cack telling us her problem about her wheel chair bound Casanova. Well, she’s updating us on Stephen Hawking’s romantic pursuits.

Well, I am a nice person but there is only so much I can take. I took all of your advice to heart and tried to employ it. I tried to lose him in crowds, but he just hits his horn and people move out of the way. I tried to walk in fields that had the sprinklers on in the hopes it would short something out on his chair, but apparently his chair is amphibious. I even took my brother’s advice about the .45. STEVEN HAWKING IS INDESTRUCTABLE!!!!! And he is an asshole too. One night he kept asking questions about my “boyfriend” and I made up a name, story, etc, but then he got this weird tone in his voice and kept asking how much I had done with him and how far I had gone with him. I DO NOT want a wheel bound sicko whacking his weasel on the phone with me, and since his hands are all messed up, you know his mother has to help him. Then one night he told me “when I get married I want someone that is caring and loving, but who is also hot and has a nice rack.” I thought it was funny he said that so I said “oh yeah? What’s a nice rack?” and the asshat says “NICER THAN YOURS!!!!” I could not believe that! I was so shocked that he said that I didn’t know what to do. About a week later I didn’t want to talk to him when he called (it was a weekend so it was at exactly 5:30 pm) so I told him I had to run because I was going to the gym to work out. The standard answer would be “oh, okay, talk to you later” but oh no, Steven says “yeah you should go to the gym. It wouldn’t kill you to lose a few pounds!” Now I’m not a heifer or anything ( I weigh 127 pounds, and that is in actual pounds, not girl pounds which are about 5 less than what they really are) so that was the last straw. I told him his only hope is with a girl name Helen Keller. But did that give him the hint? HELL NO. It just made him call more. And he got more demanding. Calling at 5 in the morning, repeatedly of course…. Whenever he thought he could get a hold of my soul and rip it to shreds… I mean, talk to me.

B-Cack, cover your eyes, and skip to the next paragraph….

I went to have a cup of coffee with a male friend of mine (who turned out to be a jerk) and after about 7 calls I got really annoyed. I had it on vibrate but still, so I answered the 8th time, said “I am having a cup of coffee I will call you when I’m done” and hung up. Well right before I did, my guy friend said “bye iron side” and Steven heard him. So after I hung up on him, Steven just called back. I turned my phone off, but 30 minutes later on my way home, he had called 28 times, and was calling when I turned my phone on. All of the messages said something like this (or exactly this because he repeats himself nonstop) “I can’t believe you are cheating on your boyfriend. That is awful. You will give him diseases. If you aren’t going to be faithful to him, you need to break up with him. I can’t believe you are like that. How hard is it now to cheat on someone?” Now, Steven admitted he has never had a relationship with a woman, hasn’t even kissed a woman, and he is telling me what I need to do in my life, with my made up boyfriend? Homie don’t play that game!
But Steven didn’t’ stop there. I got roped into going to a movie with him (again) but I was determined NOT to go eat with him because frankly I don’t’ have the time of day. So I devised a spectacular plan that will come in later. So we were waiting in line to buy our tickets, and a friend of mine from my English comp. Class came over to say hi (he is male, and he has a girlfriend) to me, and he gave me a friendly (don’t’ spaz out B-Cack) hug. I introduced him to Steven, we chatted for a moment, and Steven didn’t’ say anything off color… BUT as soon as my friend and his little brother went into their theater, Steven says “SO ARE YOU BANGING HIM TOO?” my reaction “WTF OVER?!?”

So now Lil’ B-Cack is PISSED! I told him that my adult life (ha!) was none of his business and I could do whatever I wanted and I didn’t need to consult him, and I took sex ed, so I know about diseases and am fully capable of taking precautions on my own, so I don’t’ need someone in a wheel chair to tell me all about it. And then I let it drop.

Two days later, I am shopping at Wally World, buying some basics, Shampoo and mousse to keep the mullet stylin,’ some ammo, midget quarterly magazine, you know, the staples. Silly me, I forgot it was 9:00pm so I got THE call. And I hate being that idiot in the store yapping on the cell phone, so I said “I’m shopping, I will call you back when I’m done.” He asks me “how long?” I said “I don’t know, 20 minutes.” he says “okay, I’ll call you in 20 minutes”. I just hang up because I don’t’ want to be on the phone for the next 20 minutes telling him not to call me in 20 minutes. So I finish my shopping and in EXACTLY 20 minutes he calls me back. He asked me what I got at the store. I told him “oh just some stuff.” He asks me what kind of stuff. I told him just some toiletries. He asks me what kind of toiletries. At this point I am ready to reach through the phone and end his life. I say “you want to know? You REALLY want to know? If you absolutely MUST know, I got some shampoo, a 40 pack of rubbers, some KY Jelly, and a double pack of pregnancy test in case the 40 pack doesn’t work. Boy I sure hope the 40 pack can get me through the weekend. I need to pace myself.“ And I should have known that somebody can’t pick up on sarcasm!

So at this point, school is stressing me out, and frankly I just can’t stand him anymore. I tried to be frank with him, I tried to be a bitch to him (which I’m good at) and he STILL won’t let go. So I lied to him. I had to. I told him that I was moving up to the mountains (where my aunt and uncle have a ranch) to give trail rides for the summer. When I told him, he went into a Hawking’s rage. He kept saying how all his friends leave him (I wonder why), and he tried to lay a guilt trip on me saying how when he isn’t around people or talking to them he gets depressed. I’m sorry Steven, cry me a freakin’ river. I get depressed when someone I don’t’ even like calls me too many freaking times, bugs me senseless, tries to tell me what I need to do in life, insinuates that I have a fat ass and tiny boobs, and then tells me I’m a regular old street whore. I have had enough. Then after I told him I was leaving, he started trying to dig the claws in harder. He wanted the phone number up there, the address up there, my aunt and uncle’s address and phone number, and my home address. I THINK NOT! He did not get any of those. And then he said “well I will just try to call you in case you get a signal up there.” I told him my mom had my phone for the summer. And you know what? It worked!!!!! I have been Steven Hawking free for 11 days and I LOVE IT! I feel like I have control of my life again! Except that I keep having nightmares that I run into him and he will catch me. I kid you not, I had a dream that I took my car to get the oil changed and he was there getting his tires rotated, and I tried to run away from him and he caught me and was asking why I was back….. Anyway, I am free and SO SO SO happy about it. Thank you for the suggestions, and I will keep you updated on how long before he tries to call.

Lil' B-Cack

What Took Me so Long

2006-05-19T16:58:00.000-07:00

I know I have been a shameful blogger lately. I’ve been swamped at work and then even in my off time I’ve been busy to the point where it didn’t make any sense. Even tonight I ended up going back to work and came close to not making my self imposed deadline.

So what’s been happening? Well besides the big project at work, Phat Tony now belongs to a two car family. Me and my better half bought a car on Monday. If you ever want to see the difference in the way men and women think; take the other to go shopping for cars. I’ll give examples.

Mrs. DPT: I like this one, it looks cool.

DPT: Well, it does get 31 mpg.

Mrs. DPT: It’s got a 6 disk changer in it.

DPT: All wheel drive isn’t bad.

Mrs. DPT: I like the color.

DPT: 2.3 liter; that’s plenty to get you to work and back.

Mrs. DPT: What are these lights on the bumper?

DPT: Cool, fog lights.

We didn’t buy American (sorry CUG). We ended up buying a Suzuki Aerio SX. My wife is extremely happy and I’m glad that we don’t have to share a ride anymore. I know my wife would never forgive me if I didn’t post a picture of her pretty car so here it is.

Today

2006-05-19T06:16:00.000-07:00

I will write something today. This post is not the only thing I will write today.

That is all....for now.

Update: This is not a test; it's more of a tease. I have a post. I will give you a definate time the post will posted at 1400 central. That is all...for now.

Update: I'm going to be posting an original post and not generic updates about posting a post at 1900 central time.

It’s A Small World

2006-05-17T05:30:00.000-07:00

I love when friends help me out in my time of need. Since I haven’t found time to write anything Lil’ B-Cack has sent me an informative column on midgets.

Hey Phat Tony, sorry it took me so long to send this to you. I went out of town and murdered some prairie dogs this weekend ( I have pictures if you would like to see them....) And I start my job working with retards tomorrow ( well I have to go to a two week retard-self-defense class so I know what to do when they start a revolution). I'm sure I will have some GREAT stories about tards once I start. Anyhoo... here is the midget paper, tell me what you think....

An Informative Report on Our Short Statured Friends
By: Lil’ B-Cack-- so I wrote this in my high school bio class, and after 5 years I still don't understand why I got a bad grade on it.....

Dwarfism is defined as an individual who has an adult height of four feet ten inches or less in both men and women due to a genetic condition. There are over two hundred types of dwarfism, such as Achrondoplasia (standard oompa loompa-ism), Psuedoachrondoplasia Rhizomelic Chrondoplasia, Punctata, and several types that haven’t even been named (super-duper midgi-titis if you will….). For many, midgets are a complete mystery, and much research is going on all over the world to unravel the mystery known as dwarfism.

Achrondoplasia is estimated to be the diagnosis for over half the cases of dwarfism around the world, and is by far the most common type. Since achrondoplasia is the most common type of dwarfism, these are the midgets most often seen in movies, sideshows, etc. Achrondoplasia occurs in about one out of every twenty six thousand to forty thousand births. The characteristics of achrondoplasia are apparent at birth and include short arms and legs, an enlarged head, a prominent forehead, a short, flat nose, and mad dancing and candy making skills. Children with achrondoplasia mentally develop normally, but their physical development is delayed. Because of this teenage midget boys are the most likely to be stuffing their pants with gym socks to try and score some poon-tang.

Many bone complications can arise in people, especially children, with achrondoplasia. A midget-child may have straight legs at birth, but may begin to bow when they begin to walk. These are the midgets that walk like they were just contestants on the oh so popular Mexican “donkey show.” Infants with achrondoplasia need good support on their spines as well to prevent curvature of the spine and a hump in their back.

The gene for achrondoplasia has been found within the last eight years. Surprisingly enough, dwarfism does not come from drinking too many brewskies and smoking too much crystal meth, it comes from the Fibroblast Growth Receptor 3, or the FGFR3, gene. Scientists believe that this gene gets mutated when both parents are of average height, but it is still unknown whether this gene becomes dominant when two wee sized parents get it on like monkeys. A little person with achrondoplasia has a 75% chance of having another little midget, but 75% of midgets with achrondoplasia are born to average sized parents. Talk about luck of the draw.

Another common type of dwarfism that occurs in one out of every one hundred ten thousand births is diastrophic dysphasia. Until the early 1960’s, patients with diastrophic dysphasia were considered to have achrondoplasia with clubfeet. Not a result of mating with a sheep or other type of clubfooted livestock, some common characteristics are a hitchhiker’s thumb and swollen ears (which disappear after the first few months after birth). These are the troll looking type of midgets that have often been portrayed in Fairy Tales. They often have mullets and anger management issues because of all the health problems associated with their midgetness. Joints can be dislocated easily, and scoliosis is very common with DD midgets (not designated driver midgets…)

A rare type of dwarfism, psuedoachrondoplasia, is similar to achrondoplasia but is caused from a different gene mutation. Basically, individuals with psuedoachrondoplasia are trying to pass as midgets in order to get the perks of the short statured (cheap prices at buffets, free lap dances, you name it). Most children are not even diagnosed until 5 or 6 years old because the head, arms, and legs are more proportionate that other types of dwarfism.

Most little people embrace their midgetness, but some party poopers decide they want to be “normal” and don’t have the stamina to wear stilts their entire life, so limb lengthening surgery has become all the rage in the midget community (basically like lower back tattoos for midgets). By breaking the bones in the arms and legs, and then stretching them over a period of 2 to 4 years, up to a foot can be gained. There are many risks involved, however, which many feel do not outweigh the benefits. Bones twisting and turning once broken, nerve damage, and paralysis are common side effects associated with limb lengthening surgery. The risk of infection at the surgery site is also very common, and a puss filled limbs are in no way sexy. And let’s face it, after surgery there is no way you will be able to make it in show business as an oompa loompa.

Whether a person has achrondoplasia, diastrophic dysphasia, or any other type of dwarfism, it is important to remember that they are still people, even if they are little, and they deserve just as much respect as an average sized person. I feel that dwarfism should not be considered a mistake or a “defect” but a miracle of some sorts, and a good form of entertainment. Look at all the accomplishments within the midget community. Would Keebler have sold a single cookie if it wasn’t for his sweatshop full of midgets? No! Would Dorothy ever have made it to Oz if it weren’t for the munchkins? Hell no! And what would the world be like without midget wrestling? I’d be lost! So the world should celebrate the wonders of the midget, because everyone knows the best things come in small packages.

Carnival of Kennedys Comedy

2006-05-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

Welcome all to the Carnival of ~~Kennedy~~ Comedy. I'm your host, faux doctor, and comedic know-nothing Phat Tony. I toiled over this comedy since dinner looking for an adequate theme for the Carnival. What I found out is: When in doubt make a Kennedy Joke.

The ~~Kennedy~~ Comedy that slays people.

Ef Em Ragtops throws his hat in the ring to be our next ~~Kennedy~~ elected official. Linking to host always moves you up in categories.
Right Hand of god decides to have a caption contest without any actual contest. Citizen Grim declared winner.
Tynan spins a tail of pools and penguins. He also reminded me that I need to try this.
Kehaar shows off his cat like reflexes at a baseball game.
Buckley F Williams has found the answer to our illegal immigrant problem.
Peace Moonbeam scared a drop out of me. What a horrible story.
Kriss Mallory had to make a hard choice; a choice between internet connection and life.

The ~~Kennedy~~ Comedy that slays themselves.

Tommy presents an interview that should clear up the difference between crime and corruption.
Either Orr loves to modernize songs. Take a look at his version of dirty laundry.
Vox Poplar has Stephen Colbert and his explanation of what happened at the correspondence dinner.
The Moxargon Group has their own thoughts on who should head the CIA.
Danny submitted this pretty funny video clip of Deaf Karaoke.
The Cranky Insomniac points out the obvious psychosis with Bloomberg.

The ~~Kennedy~~ Comedy that says we're not laughing with you; just at you.

Redneck Rants Unveils his new idea for a theme park... Jihad Disney.
Miriam compares and contrasts religious ceremonies.
The Daily Fisk fisks someone about spamming. I'm not quite sure who Kawasaki Guy is; but he's been fisked.
Passionate America explains the nuances of redneck engineering.
Viral Video Blog submits...what else a video. Why play video games when you can watch people act them out.
Radioactive Liberty is advertising a new film for Zarqawi.
Jerry Dante is giving sound advice for comics.
Neal submitted a pretty nice poem. I didn't even know there was such a thing as ibikers.
Directionzero submitted a short film of a mustache. I'm not sure where to put it since it didn't load for me.
Jack Cluth spends some time ranting about Michelle, conservatives, and people that don't speak Spanish.

Next weeks Carnival is at Ef Em Ragtops

Make sure you go to IMAO You can also check out their fabled Podcast. To enter next weeks Carnival of Comedy go Here or Here.

Carnival of Comedy Coming Soon

2006-05-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

The Carnival of Comedy will be hosted here today. I wanted to remind everyone since there was NO reminder at IMAO by Spacemonkey. I'll have it posted late afternoon. I plan to eat dinner before working on it. Check back often.

Illegal Stats

2006-05-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

First let me say that this was forwarded to me. Next let me say I did not check them out personally; I just don't have time. All of them sound plausible though.

FROM THE LA TIMES

1. 40% of all workers in L.A. County (L.A. County has 10 million people) are working for cash and not paying taxes. This was because they are predominantly illegal immigrants, working without a green card.

2. 95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens.

3. 75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles are illegal aliens.

4. Over 2/3's of all births in Los Angeles County are to illegal alien Mexicans on Medi-Cal whose births were paid for by taxpayers.

5. Nearly 25% of all inmates in California detention centers are Mexican nationals here illegally.

6. Over 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages.

7. The FBI reports half of all g ang members in Los Angeles are most likely illegal aliens from south of the border.

8. Nearly 60% of all occupants of HUD properties are illegal.

9. 21 radio stations in L.A. are Spanish speaking.

10. In L.A.County 5.1 million people speak English. 3.9 million speak Spanish (10.2 million people in L.A.County).

(All 10 from the Los Angeles Times)

Less than 2% of illegal aliens are picking our crops but 29% are on welfare. http://www.cis.org I checked this one out, couldn't find this particular stat or the 70 billion dollars listed below. They have a guess of 11 billion to 22 billion listed now, but that seems to be from both legal and illegal immigration.

Over 70% of the United States annual population growth (and over 90% of California, Florida, and New York) results from immigration.

The cost of immigration to the American taxpayer in 1997 was a NET (after subtracting taxes immigrants pay) $70 BILLION a year, [Professor Donald Huddle, Rice University].

The lifetime fiscal impact (taxes paid minus services used) for the average adult Mexican immigrant is a NEGATIVE

29% of inmates in federal prisons are illegal aliens.

Intervention

2006-05-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

I know I haven’t posted in a while, but it was because of a personal crisis that I wasn’t even aware of. What can I say; denial was so powerful that I couldn’t even tell I had a problem. It wasn’t till I was sat down by my friends and family that I could look at my addiction and tell it was a problem. I think that writing this post will help me come to grips with this powerful addiction and overcome it. I will do my best to transcribe the events that happened that fateful afternoon when I came home after work to find my living room filled with people that care about me. God bless them all.

DPT: What’s going on? If there was a party and I wasn’t invited, I’m going to be pissed.

Pop: Son we need to have a talk with you about a problem that is real apparent to all of us.

DPT: Look, I only tried them on once as a joke. It was funny. Mrs. DPT laughed. I was just trying to lighten the mood.

Mrs. DPT: (shakes head) Not that stupid.

DPT: What the hell are you guys talking about then?

Pop: We’re talking about the addiction you have.

DPT: What addiction?

Pop: We’ve all noticed that you are addicted to sissy coffee.

DPT: Huh!? You mean the gourmet creamers I use in my morning coffee?

Pop: Yes. Men don’t use those foofoo creamers in their coffee son. I think you have a serious problem. We’re all here to let you know that you can depend on us to support you during your rehab.

DPT: So what if I like the taste of amoretto in my coffee, or the taste of fat free hazel nut. French vanilla coffee mate taste great. It’s not hurting anyone. It’s not affecting my work.

Mrs. DPT: It would be different if it was just once in a while, but it’s everyday and I’m beginning to wonder about you. If it was just a little bit of milk and sugar that would be one thing, but these gourmet creamers are making you look like a pansy.

DPT: I can’t believe this…

I’ll stop there with the transcript. Needless to say the rest of the conversation was filled with emotions that just shouldn’t be shared out of my closest circle of friends and family. I have turned over a new leaf though. I’m slowly working on removing the gourmet creamers out of my daily coffee. I’m so ashamed.

Hey

2006-05-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Catchy title huh? Anywho, I’ve been extremely busy doing a job that illegal aliens won’t do. I haven’t really had a chance to sit down and write anything of substance, or any of my regular post. I’m sure all of you have missed my mindless banter and if you haven’t, don’t tell me because my ego is fragile. Lot’s of good things have been going on. Jill is still alive and well, for the time being anyhow. No second car or motorcycle as of yet. I’m still not a millionaire but I have lots of good ideas about how to get other people’s money that I haven’t implemented yet. I have exceeded the 50k hit milestone. I would like to thank all my readers for refreshing often. I should find some time to write something tomorrow but I’ve found another project that will take up a lot of my time.

Come back soon and be sure to visit the sponsors and buy my swag, or just continue do to do what you’ve done in the past and ignore them.

Taser Fun

2006-04-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

I was told this story by a friend a few months ago and now it ended up in my inbox. It's a great story so enjoy. (No, this is not me.)

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop in Huntsville that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION !!!!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-. . . . .!!!!! That hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Of course I got scooped by the guy who told me the story.
Sorry Cove Rebel.

Triumphant Return

2006-04-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

I came back from my vacation a winner, of sorts. I did not win the snapper competition, but I did accomplish everything on my “to do list”. We left on Thursday evening for Gulf Shores and came back Sunday evening. I guess the best way to do this is to list all the things that I did and saw on my weekend at the beach.

• Walked on the beach. Check
• Got sun-burnt. Check
• Swam in the Gulf of Mexico. Check
• Got sand in my shorts. Check
• Saw Pop wear slacks and suspenders on the beach. Check
• Drank beer. Check
• Watched a boat troll for sharks using live bait. Check
• Went fishing on a charter boat. Check
• Caught my limit of snapper. Check
• Pop caught his limit of snapper too. Check (author’s tip: If your tackle smells like squid; you won’t catch any snapper.)

• Deck hand showed us his crabs. Check
• Bought souvenir coffee mug. Check
• Had hot rolls thrown at me. Check
• Drove home with only one cd in the player because the other cd’s were covered with luggage. Check
• Applied aloe to my wife’s skin because she got sun-burnt too. Check
• Woke up earlier than I normally do everyday of my vacation. Check
• Took an extra day of vacation to recover from my vacation. Nope, I should have though.

In all it was a blast. I hope to do it again next year but maybe leave out the sun-burnt thing.

Live Blogging My Day Off

2006-04-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

My first day of vacation and I’m staying at home, or going to do my best to stay at home. I’ll try to keep everyone up to date with how my day is going.

9:26 a.m. Disposition: Just woke up. Still in my under pants.
Cups of Coffee consumed: One
Shower: Not yet.
Shave: Not if I can help it. It’s my day off.
Immediate plans: Might turn on the t.v. and see what’s on.

11:04 a.m. Disposition: Wearing sweats and a t-shirt now. Watched one loop on ESPN. Watched some Pride fighting on FSN. Saw a guy get his arm broke.
Cups of Coffee consumed: 3 cups
Immediate plans: Take shower and put some new tires on the car. After that I’ll have to decide whether to pack first or play Call of Duty II.

Monday 8:12 a.m. Disposition: Back at work. I realized quickly last Thursday that I would never get to post another update as to how my day was going. I ended up car shopping all day and then leaving for the Gulf of Mexico. Sorry to all those who were actually interested in my day off. I'll be posting the recap of my vacation later today.

Well Deserved

2006-04-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

At 4:30 p.m. Central Standard time, I started my well-deserved vacation. I even cracked open a cold one after work to celebrate. It’s not a long vacation (only 4 days) but I think that it will be a good one. Tomorrow I'll be at home and might even live blog my lazy day.

Now everyone congratulate me and wish me luck on the whole snapper thing.

Snapper Hunter

2006-04-18T06:07:00.000-07:00

Only a few days left till I hit the coast in search of some snapper. Me, my dad, and my nephew are going to be down at the coast trying to get as much snapper as we can. It seems the best place to get snapper is near the beach. Now just because we’re going to be hunting snapper doesn’t mean we’re snapper heads. We just like to eat snapper. As a matter of fact, we’ve entered a contest to see who can get the largest snapper. I really wasn’t interested in large snapper, but I’ll give it a shot since there are cash prizes. I’m personally a little scared of snapper that could swallow your arm.

My wife is going with us but she has no interest in snapper at all. She’s just not that way. My nephew on the other hand is really excited. This will be the first time he has ever got a hold of some snapper. I’m sure after the first one he’ll get the hang of it and know exactly what to do with the snapper.

Anyway, wish us good luck on the snapper contest. I’ll have lots of pictures to share after this weekend. The goal is to get a snapper larger than this one.

Everyone’s Been Wondering

2006-04-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

I’m sure a lot of you have been wondering about the unusual lack of posting. If you haven’t then play along because my ego couldn’t bare it. I have been extremely busy at work and just too lazy at home. I’ll do my best to get everyone caught up.

Over the weekend I found out a few things about my dog (I took her to the farm where Jill is at). One is that she is incredibly stupid. I don’t know why but as soon as I let her off the leash she went and found a dead animal to roll in. Gross! I had to wash her and put her back on the leash to keep her from doing it again. Two is that she is gun shy. My dog is such a big wuss. I had her on the on of those 30ft retractable leashes and tied to a tree so she wouldn’t go and roll in dead animals. Me and the farmer started to shoot clay pigeons. After going through a few, I look over and the dog is gone. She has chewed through her leash and hid underneath the car. Stupid dog.

Jill is doing fine. She’s growing real fast. It looks like she’ll be larger than her mother. She hasn’t made any more money though, so it’s a good thing she’s growing big. There should be a lot of people at her memorial service and I want to make sure everyone gets enough to eat.

Point Five did an awesome job with the Carnival of Comedy. I’m glad I don’t have to host next week. It’s hard to follow that.

Everyone try to keep in mind what tomorrow is all about. It’s the day the Jews and Italians killed my God.

Not this weekend but Next weekend I’m going fishing. Me and Pop are going to the Gulf of Mexico to catch illegals. All you have to do is bait the hook with a fake green card and you’ll catch the limit. We might catch some fish too.

The last thing is this picture of the newest addition to Jill’s extended family. That’s the Farmer in the brown shirt. I’ve got to keep posting pictures of Jill and her family. She hasn’t been gaining the sympathy I was hoping for.

The Legacy of Steven Hawking

2006-04-10T06:08:00.000-07:00

This article was submitted by Lil B-Cack. Phat Tony has never dated a wheelchair bound genius.

My whole life, everyone has told me to be nice to others, even if I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling someone the truth. And I have to be honest, if you are going to get anywhere in the world, it’s a true statement. You can’t very well walk around telling your boss he is the biggest most incompetent asshat in the world. So I pretty much try to be nice to people, or at least civil, even hippies… well not to hippies, but they don’t count. Onto my story… It’s the first day of my second semester at Hippie University and I walk into one of my classes and this gentleman in a wheel chair says “hi” to me. Of course I say hello back, not knowing what I was getting myself into. I was saddened that day as I watched this boy say hello to every person that walked through the door and everybody either gave him a dirty look or pretended he didn’t exist. Everybody wants to have friends, and I decided I was going to be nice and treat him like every other human being. So I started talking to him about class, and about the weather, and that is where the problems began.

Steven Hawking (name has been changed to protect the wheelchair bound, but I SWEAR he talks and even looks like Steven Hawking!) latched onto me like a fat kid onto a buffet line. I can’t get rid of him! It started innocently (and in innocently I mean deceptively). After saying “hi, how are you? Did you get the homework?” in class for about 2 weeks, he asked me if he could have my homework “in case he missed class and needed to copy the notes or get the homework assignments.” (And in Steven Hawking talk, this sentence took about 4 minutes to utter). That’s fair enough. I know how hard it can be to take a class and not know anybody to get homework assignments from, so I obliged. This was my first mistake. 5 hours later he calls me and says “Lil’ B-Cack, you seem like such a cool person, I would like to get to know you better, would you like to go to dinner sometime?” Now I have already been on a date with a midget, I’m sorry you can’t top that, even though it would be SORT of cool to say “I ate dinner with Steven Hawking.” But I do NOT need to have Steven Hawking for a boyfriend so I immediately went into panic mode. “I’m sorry, but I have a boyfriend and it’s really serious. I’m not interested in dating anyone.” Okay, so it was a bold face lie, I don’t have a serious boyfriend because 1) I don’t’ like hippies and that’s all there is at my school, and 2) I don’t want to give B-Cack a brain hemorrhage, and the vein pops out whenever I even MENTION boys. Anyway, so we finish our conversation and I think that is that. But the next morning when I wake up I have a text message on my phone from my iron-sided friend. It says “I just want to be friends; I didn’t mean to scare you off. I don’t have any friends and that’s all I’m looking for. I don’t want you to be my girlfriend.” I was relieved so my conscious made me go out to dinner with him. I mean after all, the guy just sort of sits there; he couldn’t make a move on me….

Dinner (and a movie) turned out to be the longest night in my entire life. There are only so many things that a person can talk about with Steven Hawking, besides black holes and string theory, ( and let it be noted here, that B-Cack was wrong. He swore that he would be a Trekkie, and he in fact “prefers Lord of the Rings” over Star Trek!) and after a 3 hour dinner (yes it took him that long to shovel food into his pie hole) we finally made it to the movie. The movie was fine and I enjoyed myself, but then the real fun began. Steven Hawking likes to smoke. Steven Hawking smokes a lot! Steven Hawking chain smokes like a mofo! Only he can’t hold the cigarette himself. Someone else has to hold it while he puffs away. I can’t describe in all it’s mystic beauty how freaking funny this sight is, but after I got home I had tears in my eyes laughing about it( and yes I know I am going to hell) and re-enacting it does it no justice (believe me I have tried). So apparently hanging out with him one time gave Steven the impression that I wanted to hang out with him every single Friday night from now until Event Horizon. Steven Hawking was wrong. And this is where Lil’ B-Cack starts getting pissed off.

Not only does he want me to hang out with him every week, he also calls me every single night at exactly 9:01 pm and wants to talk on the phone (about nothing really) for at least 45 minutes. Now I am a full time student, and I don’t have time to be wasting on this kid. I have way more important things to be doing (like planning to sabotage hippie protests and shooting guns and what not). But Steven Hawking doesn’t understand this. If I don’t answer the phone at exactly 9:01pm when he calls, he will hang up and call back, hang up and call back, until I answer (leaving messages every time). One night someone called me at 8:54 pm and I proceeded to talk to them. When Steven called, I took his call and said “I’m on the phone and it’s REALLY important, I’ll call you back when I am done” but that wasn’t’ good enough for Steven Hawking. I was on the phone for 37 minutes (after Steven called), and in those 37 minutes Steven called me 32 times and filled my inbox completely full of text messages (50 messages). Now this irritated me to no end. I don’t’ care who you are that is freaking annoying. When I went on spring break I told him I was not going to have cell phone service and not to call me, but he did anyway. 78 times to be exact, in 3 days! With a voicemail that was at least 2 minutes each time. He also gets mad if I do not give him my undivided attention while I am on the phone with him.

He also resorts to public humiliation to make himself feel cool. Steven can control the volume of his computerized voice. He can speak in a normal tone. But does he? Not exactly. He waits until there are a whole bunch of people around at school and will trap me (literally, wheel himself closer to me until I am backed into a wall) and talk to me. Then when enough people have congregated he will yell “WELL I WILL CALL YOU AT NINE TONIGHT LIKE I DO EVERY NIGHT!!!!!” I don’t know what to do.
I know I am being taken advantage by Steven Hawking, and I want it to stop. So here is my question for Dr. Phat Tony and all his loyal readers. How do I tell Steven Hawking to go get fucked without seeming like a complete and total bitch? Can I ever shake him loose, or am I to be plagued forever by his 9:01pm phone calls and endless stalking? Either way, this experience has taught be not to be nice to anyone and just keep my mouth shut. ~~~Lil’ B-Cack Out!

Handing out

2006-04-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

I’m handing out links today. I’m doing this partially because I don’t have a lot of time to write a creative post and partially because there are some interesting things out there.

Has anyone else seen Uncyclopedia? There is tons of made up information for anyone that wants to be misinformed. I’m sort of partial to the Quaid Disaster Theorem.

When birds attack?

This is what midgets do for fun in Mobile, I guess. (You have to suffer through a stupid commercial then the news story plays.)

Spacemonkey infected me with a virus. The only way I can get rid of it is to pass it to someone else. So I pass the Indie Virus to Point Five; not that I expect them to participate, but because I think they are one of the most under-read blogs out there.

So if you type in “What are belly buttons for?” in Google hoping for something funny and then press “I’m feeling lucky” you sort of get lucky.

Giving Dap Now Outlawed in Congress

2006-04-04T09:38:00.000-07:00

Congresswoman McKinney (D, Georgia) is facing possible prosecution for striking a police officer. The officer stopped McKinney after she passed through a checkpoint with out showing her ID or having her congressional pin on. The officer alleges that Congresswoman McKinney then hit him with her cell phone.

Congresswoman McKinney has released this statement to Dr. Phat Tony’s (which means I’m making it all up):
“I can’t help that the white guard don’t have enough rhythm and coordination to ‘give dap’. The only error I made was to try to show I appreciated the guard by letting him know that I was ‘down’ with the whole security thing. It went just like this. I walked by him, said ‘Yo, what up renta-a-cop?’ then went to give him dap. He started flailing his arms like he didn’t know what he was doing and I accidentally popped him, when all I was trying to do was pound knuckles, ya mean?”

The Capital Police have released this statement responding to Congresswoman McKinney’s statement (I made this up too):

“We understand that us white people can only give handshakes and the occasional awkward high five, but I doubt that congresswoman McKinney was trying to give the officer a special handshake. We will investigate this thoroughly and make public our findings as soon as possible. Until this is settled we are asking everyone to not give any special types of handshakes and instead either grasp and pump twice or just give a nod.”